ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast: What October Means to Me

Technically, May is ALS Awareness Month — but for me, the awareness never ends. I live with it every October.

Which super sucks because my allergy season starts at the end of August & lasts throughout September. Couple that with always catching the same cold everyone gets at the end of September, and my body & mind is just shot by the time October rolls around.

October is my birth month. But it’s also the anniversary of my mom passing away. So…everything sucks.

Brace yourself for some “heavy shit”. I’d like to share why I am the way I am, what shaped my perspectives as I grew up, and how I’m doing right now.

When My Mom Got Sick

I actually started writing a post explaining my family’s history with ALS, but it’s still sitting unfinished in my drafts because it depresses the fuck out of me. I’ll probably share it sometime though.

My mom got sick when I was 14, right around Thanksgiving. She started having trouble swallowing & speaking because she had “bulbar onset ALS”, which means her tongue was becoming paralyzed.

In the months that followed, I became a major caregiver for her. I found myself helping her on the phone & in person with debt collectors, doctors, everyone. It got to the point where I was the only one who could still understand what she was saying without her having to write anything down.

Then she couldn’t swallow at all anymore. So, she had a GI tube placed in her stomach so she could still get some nutrition. I helped “feed” her, and with cleaning the tube.

Nobody bothered to tell me that ALS progresses aggressively in our family – until recently, no one’s survived longer than 18 months from the onset of symptoms. I thought I had time.

By the time the school year started, she was in pretty rough shape. But I was still more than happy to continue my duties as a caregiver. However, my mom’s sister had other plans. She stepped in to help, ultimately pushing me out of the way so I could “focus on school”. (How the fuck was I supposed to focus on school with my mom wasting away at home? I digress…)

October rolled around, and she was rapidly getting weak in her limbs. Hospice was welcomed in. A hospital bed was placed in the living room for her. One of the aides stole money from my parents. Her diaphragm had become paralyzed & she refused to be intubated (because at that point, the stark reality of the situation is “why bother?”) Everything sucked.

Four days after my 15th birthday, she passed away.

The Night Everything Broke

I was in my room listening to Rancid after dinner. Between songs, I heard a terrible noise from out in the living room. So I stopped & listened at the door. I knew I didn’t want to face the situation; I knew what was happening. So I spent a moment trying to find the courage to face the reality.

I walked out & stopped in the doorway to the living room. My mom’s spit sucker was full of blood, and she was laying there lifeless with my dad, aunt, & uncle crying around her. She’d died of respiratory failure – in other words, she’d just choked to death on her own blood. The terrible noise was my aunt’s despair. The whole thing was horrific. Happy fuckin’ birthday.

My dad walked up & gave me a hug; that’s literally the only time I’d ever seen that man cry. When he let go, I walked over & held my aunt as she repeatedly screamed “I’m sorry, I did everything I could”. I didn’t shed a tear. Because that’s how I am – deal with the situation, & get emotional about it later.

As a side note… There were a couple things I’d found out about much later that I wish I’d known sooner. For example, my mom had sleeping pills that she wanted to use before things got too bad for her to use them, and my aunt told her “she couldn’t do that to (me)”. Had I known, I would’ve not only given them to her to shorten her horrific suffering, I would’ve been able to say good bye.

Well…

What Comes After Death

I sat on the couch in front of her. My dad & uncle went outside to smoke cigarettes & drink for a little bit, while my aunt went in the kitchen to call the coroner & family members. They were understandably traumatized.

I got to thinking about how a body is just a shell. That this corpse in front of me was not my mom; my mom was with me in spirit. I could feel it.

Eventually, our vessels will fail us all. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of our existence, though none of us truly know what happens in the next phase.

Then I realized I was sitting alone with my mother’s still twitching corpse. I got it in my head that this is how it is – I’m alone in dealing with everything for the rest of my life; I’m expected to be there for everyone else, and I don’t deserve anyone being there for me. After all, I was barely 15, sitting alone with my mother’s still twitching corpse.

And I screamed in devastated rage. I can still feel it, I can still hear myself. No one should have to feel like that.

My aunt came running & wrapped her arms around me. She told me “I know”. No, you have no idea. Everyone had already abandoned me & my grief. You can’t really come back from that.

Fast forward to the funeral a few days later…

Everyone met at my grandma’s house. When it was time to leave for the church, I was forced toward the front of the line out the door.

She had a doorway from the kitchen to the stairs where the basement was, and then another doorway to the sun room, and then a doorway out of the house.

It was pouring all day. Quiet thunder rumbled in the distance.

The very second I stepped foot in the doorway to the sun room, it was like lightning struck in the yard – the loudest boom I’ve ever heard in my life & everything went completely white for a moment. I stopped dead in my tracks & was immediately hit with the idea that “this is the dawning of the rest of my life”. My aunt gently pushed me out the doorway.

And that’s the attitude I felt the need to develop from there on – You don’t get to stop, you don’t get to feel. You just keep going, pushing forward, else you’ll get sucked into a pit of despair.

I know better. I even knew better then. It inevitably always catches up to you eventually. But I had no choice; I was pushed out the door without acknowledgement.

At her funeral, I stood away from everyone. I wore a beautiful black velvet dress and held a red rose that someone had given me. I looked stunning.

But everyone seemed scared of me. Most of them didn’t even know who I was, nor did I know them. Why were they even there?!? They weren’t around my whole life, they weren’t around when she was sick… Why bother being there at her funeral, “honoring” her & “expressing” condolences? I was infuriated. But at least I looked good… Ugh.

How I Buried It All (and Dug It Back Up)

I’d forgotten about all of these things for years after.

About 10 years later, I got it in my head that I’d like to advocate for ALS awareness & research. So I decided to start by participating in the local “Walk to Defeat ALS” fundraiser.

Even my family members didn’t donate. (Well, I think one forked over 20 bucks.)

During that time, I found myself researching my family’s history with the disease online. Much to my surprise (& horror), there’s a lot more articles about us than I ever imagined. (And many many more now.)

That’s when I learned that we have one of the most aggressive SOD1 mutations in recorded medical history. Unlike everyone else who gets ALS, hereditary or sporadic, it wipes us out incredibly quick. And if we want to bother getting tested to find out whether or not we’ve been cursed with the gene, a positive result for the mutation means there’s a 96% chance that that’s our death sentence.

The genetic time bomb ticks louder in my ear every year. Even though I’ve never been tested.

It was at this time that all these memories came flooding back to me. I’d apparently repressed them, and they came back like a raging wildfire, tearing me the fuck apart in the process.

All those memories came back about a year after my father had his first stroke & cancer, and I was his only caregiver (for 12 years after, until he passed away).

And that was also when I lost my friend that I’ve mentioned briefly in previous posts…. Because I was too overwhelmed to know how to express all this to him properly.

Still Healing

Here we are.

I’m mentally & emotionally burned out from staying strong for the sake of taking care of my family during some chaos that lasted much too long.

So give me some grace as I work through all this mess – I’ll keep up with my weekly posts as best I can (& they should be more uplifting than this one!)

And thank you for giving me the space to vent – I hope I didn’t ruin your day LOL ❤️

If you’ve ever carried a loss that never fully leaves, know you’re not alone. Writing about it helps — even if it takes decades to find the words.

Rock on, and take care of your heart. ❤️

Where I’m at #13

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Halloween fun is coming up! Trunk or Treat, pumpkin farm, and so on. Hopefully. My birthday’s coming up too – I’d really like to get some tattoos (hubby’s not too pleased about it, but I don’t care lol.) (My goal as a kid was to get a tattoo every year for my birthday. I went poor before I even hit 21, so I’ve got some making up to do lol!)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Egh… I’ve lost almost 20 pounds so far, so I’m pretty excited about that!!! I look & feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the year, so that’s something to be proud of! Allergy season has been pretty hellish, as usual. Mentally, I’m still struggling a bit. Lots going on in my life, and in my mind in general. But I’m doing ok. I noticed that, for me, generalized depression & anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin, meaning that while one side is facing up, the other is still there – as a kid, depression was face up; in my 20’s and 30’s, it was anxiety (which I find easier to deal with most of the time); and starting this year, I’m finding it’s flipped to depression again. It’s ok though – lots of self care & I’ll manage just fine.
marriage : Things are ok. Little bit of a rough patch this month due to stress getting the best of us, but “endure, and keep yourselves for times of happiness”, and we’re gradually doing better.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. We’ll be switching BooBoo back to gymnastics, per her request; I think she’ll benefit a lot more from it than she was doing at the dojo she’d been attending for karate. Bubby’s excited that she’ll be able to practice techniques with her more, since they’ll be learning similar things.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Well, my original IHIP for BooBoo wasn’t accepted because it apparently wasn’t detailed enough, but the revised version was all good, so…yay! She’s loving school (even though she inevitably gives me a hard time during classes heh!) Bubby’s getting more interested in learning to read, and she’s picking up on a lot of new things, so that’s awesome. She was even working on subtraction problems in a Kindergarten workbook we have, which is super awesome!!! 🥲
zenBLITZ : Still loving my blog. I’m enjoying writing about whatever’s been on my mind, and I’m enjoying working on my fiction (ish) novella when I can. Social media sucks balls though!!! 😂
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : All good. Well enough, I should say. I’m already thoroughly enjoying soup season hehehe!

Currently

eating – SOUP!! 😋

drinking – Barefoot Zinfandel, warm lemon water

watching – I haven’t really been into too many shows lately. Twisted Metal & You are still favorites. I like Joel McHale as the host of the 1% Club, and I absolutely loathe Martin Short as host of Match Game (come back, Alec!! 😭)

reading – “The Last Time They Met”, by Anita Shreve (it’s a little dry so far). Finished “One Italian Summer” last month – it was good, kinda interesting premise, but a bit too drawn out for me to ever want to read it again lol

playing – Nothing, really

buying – Everything in Spirit Halloween LOL

listening to – At this particular second, “21 Guns” by Green Day

celebrating – My birthday, I guess 😅, Halloween

pinning – “Free Spirit”, “Funny Shit”, & “Food”

planning – On getting some tattoos and maybe going to the casino buffet for my birthday

feeling – Egh. Whatever. lol

Reignite Your Childhood Hobbies: How Play Can Spark Joy in Adulthood

blitz, zen

What did you love to do as a kid? And why the hell did you stop?

Oh yeah, work. And family. And life got in the way.

By the time you finally get a few moments, you’re too wiped out to do more than scroll or crash in front of Netflix.

But is that leaving you feeling fulfilled at the end of the day? Probably not.

So here’s an invitation to consider reigniting some of your youthful passions and bring some spark back into your life, at least a couple days a week!

The Compass of Childhood Joy

Whatever lit you up as a kid or a teenager might still give you clues as to what would make you happy as an adult.

It doesn’t matter if they were solo hobbies like writing & reading or active hobbies like skateboarding & playing sports – don’t you think those things might still bring you joy today?

And what do these kinds of activities say about who you were, and still are?

Literal Play vs. Adult Adaptation

Of course, not every childhood hobby fits neatly into adulthood.

If you liked pretending you were a superhero or building blanket forts, those are great ways to bond with your own kids or nieces & nephews. Or just playing by yourself, I’m not here to judge! – You could create a cozy reading nook instead of a blanket fort, or become an EMT instead of pretending to be a superhero!

Most childhood hobbies can be adapted in some way to your adult life. Pretend games can turn into fabulous fiction books, and climbing trees can look like hiking or mountain climbing.

The possibilities are endless! The point is that play matters throughout your life, regardless of whether it’s literal or adapted.

Nostalgia as Medicine

Returning to old hobbies isn’t just fun — it’s healing! You’re reclaiming pieces of yourself that were left behind.

Nostalgia can be a form of self-care (for example: adult coloring books, roller skating comebacks, LEGOs for grown-ups).

Passion First, Profit Second

Some hobbies can even evolve into businesses and “side hustles”, but you need to be aware of your passion levels throughout – monetizing too soon can kill the joy, & if it’s not fun, why do it?!?

Writing has always been a thread in my life. As a kid, I made weekly comics for my classmates. That grew into short stories, then poetry, then even some (slightly rebellious) light erotic fiction. For a while, life got in the way and I stopped — but when I sat down to write a little book on goal setting, I remembered how much fun it was. Since then, writing has evolved into blogging, poetry, fiction, and whatever else sparks me in the moment. No profit yet — maybe someday — but the real win is that I found the joy again.

My friend Josh is the perfect example. In high school, his passion was playing guitar. But when it came time for college, he chose engineering — something he was good at, but didn’t love — because it promised steady money. Still, he found ways to keep music alive, freelancing as a guitar teacher and joining a band. When the pandemic hit, he leaned on engineering and made solid money designing blueprints, but he hated every minute of it. As soon as restrictions lifted, he dropped the job and went back to teaching guitar and playing shows. Now he makes a living doing what he loves, and I couldn’t be prouder. 😊

Hobbies as a Shortcut to Excitement

Remember my Excitement Map post?

Are any of your childhood hobbies on there? Should they be?

They might be a gateway to the “Fuck Yeah” zone! 😜

Journaling Prompts

Want to go deeper? Grab your journal and play with these questions. Sometimes the answer to ‘What lights me up?’ is already sitting in the toy box you left behind…

What were my top 3 favorite hobbies as a kid? What feelings did each give me?
If I had one whole Saturday with zero responsibilities, which of those hobbies would I instinctively do first?
Are there ways to adapt my old hobbies into adult life? (Ex: blanket forts → interior design or cozy home rituals; rollerblading → dance or hiking…or even roller derby!; pretend games → creative writing).
Which of my hobbies still sneak into my life now, even in small ways?
What does this say about who I am — then and now?
How could I reclaim even one hour a week for something I loved as a child?
What hobby could I share with my kids, friends, or partner as a way of reconnecting with play?
Do I feel pressure to monetize my hobbies? If so, how would it feel to let them only be for joy again?
What piece of myself do I think I’ll “get back” by doing this hobby again?

It’s never too late to pick up the sketchbook, the rollerblades, the guitar.

Try one this week. Play, create, explore — then come back and let me know how it felt.

See if it still makes you “fuck yeah”!

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Shadow Season Journaling Prompts: Reflections for the Dark Half of the Year

zen

The days are getting shorter, and we’re entering the “dark half” of the year – The autumn equinox is on September 22. This is the perfect time for a little introspection to prepare your whole life to hunker down for the rain, snow, & cold (if that’s the weather you get where you are)!

In this post, I’d like to share some journaling prompts to help you contemplate where you’re at and where you’d like to be over the coming months. Prepare for a combination of practical planning and emotional unpacking.

Why Journaling Matters This Time of Year

This time of year invites inward focus because there usually aren’t as many events available to steal your outward attention (concerts, carnivals, etc).

It’s always better to spend some time with yourself than it is to scroll social media or binge watch comfort shows on TV.

Journaling gives you a mirror for your inner world — and during darker months, that mirror becomes even more valuable.

The Prompts

✨ Emotional Unpacking

What needs to be unpacked, mentally & emotionally, over the coming months? Now is the time of year to lean in to the shadows to find true light.
- What fears, resentments, or regrets surface more clearly in the quiet/dark? How can you hold space for them without judgment?
- What outer (public facing) parts of your life could be put to rest for the winter?
- What inner areas of yourself could use some fresh attention?

🏡 Home + Environment

Tidy up outside if winter is coming, and then start cleaning inside.
- Brainstorm tasks & organize by area / room.
- Bust out the cozy blankets & hot cocoa mugs! And if you don’t keep your Xmas lights up year-round…consider it? I do! 😜

🎃 Holidays + Traditions

What are your plans for the holidays?
- Do you need a Halloween costume?
- What might you be doing for Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Year’s, Festivus, whatever you celebrate?
- Do you need to get anybody gifts?
- Don’t forget what’s important to you — How do you envision each of these holidays going, ideally? What intentions do you have for each (such as more peace, less spending, reconnecting with tradition, creating new rituals)?

📅 Planning for the Year Ahead

Do you need to plan for a new planner for next year? Don’t overcomplicate it! Better to undercomplicate it & add as you find necessary. Sometimes all you need is a monthly or weekly calendar!

🎯 Goals + Reflection

How are your goals going?
- What can you still accomplish by the end of the year?
- What’s worth dropping or postponing so you enter the new year lighter?
- What’s something surprising you’ve accomplished so far this year that wasn’t on your original list?
Wins: What fun did you have this past spring / summer? What did you accomplish? Little things still count! What did you overcome? What are you proud of?
What am I looking forward to most in the coming months?

Closing Thoughts

This time of year isn’t just about survival — it’s a chance to deepen, let go, and realign. Try at least one of the prompts above, or spread them out over the coming weeks, and see what comes up for you.

Save this list to revisit throughout the season — you might be surprised how your answers shift over time.

Which of these prompts speaks to you most right now? Drop it in the comments or share it with a friend who journals.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Where I’m at #12

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Blah! Well, I’m looking forward to planning the usual autumn activities with the kids – apple picking, pumpkin farms, that sort of thing. And it’s about time to stop dying my hair teal so it can fade a little before I start dying it purple for autumn & winter! Oh, we went on a surprise camping trip with our skoolie for the first time! It was a lot of fun despite hubby blowing a brake line & almost killing us all in the mountains 😭 At least my hair looked cool with my cowgirl hat lol
self : Doing great with my diet & exercise still! I’m losing about a pound a week, which is reasonable. My appetite is definitely kicking up with the cooler temperatures though 😬 just gotta stay mindful! Allergy season is definitely upon me, as it is every year – Whole body tingling & almost vibrating, fish bowl for a head (sinus pressure), perpetually exhausted, sneezing, dripping nose, itching everywhere – Like having a cold for a month & a half. Ugh.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We really enjoyed the Kansas concert – he might have enjoyed it a little too much LOL! We really like shopping for Halloween stuff, & that time is almost nigh, so…yay! I’ll have to figure out a better date though. Maybe a little wine tour or something.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The lil monsters are good. Bubby’s super proud of how well she does in gymnastics! And BooBoo just got her Jr Orange & Yellow Belt in karate – I’m impressed with how seriously she takes what she learns!
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Moving along. I need to get Bubby into doing a little more – I still don’t know if she’s dyslexic (I have to contact the school), but she’s picking up on letter sounds better than letter identification still. So, she’s progressing, but she’s obviously still struggling to some degree.
zenBLITZ : I actually started writing a novella! Or novel? I don’t know yet, we’ll see where it takes itself. I’ve been reading a fiction book called “One Italian Summer” by Rebecca Serle, & it’s not too bad. I haven’t read any fiction in a lot of years, so it’s inspired me to add my own story to the world. I haven’t written fiction since short stories in 4th grade, but it’s been quite a bit of fun so far!
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Selective apathy. Heh. Nothing’s falling apart, so…fuck it. 🫠
witch : Haven’t really been doing anything here, but I’ve added some yoga & tai chi to my daily exercise routine, which definitely have spiritual elements to them. I have a couple of simple kundalini yoga videos in my rotation too, which are…pretty interesting 😜

Currently

eating – I’M EXCITED FOR SOUP SEASON!!! 😂😋

drinking – Barefoot White Zinfandel (in moderation, lol) 🍷

watching – Peacemaker has been surprisingly entertaining lol. Same with Twisted Metal.

reading – Still working on One Italian Summer, but still enjoying it

playing – Wishing I had time to try Roblox, cuz my kids are obsessed (and I’m sure I would be too lol)

buying – Halloween decor that I definitely don’t need 😂 Pair Eyewear tops (I’m obsessed!!)

listening to – Chasing Rainbows by RHH & Dilemma by Green Day are still favorites

celebrating – apple cider season hehe

pinning – planners, self care, free spirit, & tattoos

planning – on not losing my mind lol

feeling – overwhelmed, & apathetic, but hopeful

Shifting Perspectives: A More Useful Way to Look at Life

blitz

Sometimes, the way we view our circumstances can either propel us forward or hold us back. It’s not about dismissing how we truly feel but about finding a perspective that’s more useful, more productive, and ultimately more empowering.

The Power of Perspective

Life is rarely black and white. The same situation can feel overwhelming or manageable, depending on the lens through which we view it. For example, a setback at work might initially feel like a failure, but shifting your perspective can reveal it as an opportunity to learn, grow, or even pivot in a new direction.

The key is to acknowledge your emotions without letting them dictate your entire outlook. It’s okay to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even stuck. But once you’ve processed those feelings, ask yourself: Is there another way to look at this?

When my ex left after nearly 11 years, I was understandably devastated for a week or so – Then I realized that, while we were meant to be together for a time, we’d definitely pushed it beyond its “best by date”.

Why Perspective Matters

Perspective shapes our reality. When we’re stuck in a negative mindset, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt or inaction. But when we consciously choose to reframe our thoughts, we open ourselves up to new possibilities.

For instance, instead of thinking, “I’ll never get this right,” try, “This is challenging, but I’m learning something valuable.” This subtle shift doesn’t erase the difficulty of the situation, but it does make it feel more manageable.

I’ve been learning about shifting perspectives in unexpected ways — sometimes through everyday moments with my step-daughter, and sometimes through heartbreak I’ll never fully understand. With both, I’m reminded that while I can’t control how the story ends, I can choose what lessons I carry forward.

How to Shift Your Perspective

Acknowledge Your Feelings Start by recognizing how you truly feel. Suppressing emotions only makes them harder to process.
Ask Reflective Questions What’s another way to look at this situation? What’s the lesson here? How can I grow from this?
Focus on What You Can Control Instead of fixating on what’s out of your hands, direct your energy toward actionable steps.
Practice Gratitude Even in tough times, there’s usually something to be grateful for. Shifting your focus to these positives can help balance your perspective.

The Balance Between Honesty and Optimism

Shifting your perspective doesn’t mean ignoring reality or pretending everything is fine. It’s about finding a balance between honesty and optimism. You can acknowledge the challenges while still looking for ways to move forward.

For example, if you’re feeling stuck in your career, you might say, “I’m not where I want to be, but I have the skills and determination to get there.” This approach validates your current experience while keeping the door open for progress.

Final Thoughts

Life is full of ups and downs, and how we choose to view those moments can make all the difference. By shifting your perspective, you’re not undermining your feelings—you’re giving yourself the tools to navigate them more effectively.

So the next time you’re faced with a challenge, take a moment to step back and ask yourself: Is there a more useful way to look at this? You might be surprised at how much of a difference it can make.

I don’t always get this right — sometimes rumination still spirals into negativity — but reminding myself to ask, ‘Is there another way to look at this?’ has pulled me out of so many mental ruts.

Thanks for reading! If this resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need a little perspective shift today.

👉 What perspective shift has changed YOUR life? Drop it in the comments — your story might be exactly what someone else needs today.

Rock on!

Weight Loss Without Misery: What Worked for Me (So Far)

blitz, Where I'm At

I’ve lost over 15 pounds! 😁👍

That’s halfway to my goal!! 🥳

Ever since my doctor told me my cholesterol was “elevated” (though, as I’ve been told by everyone else, “whose isn’t?!?”), I made an honest effort to make some changes to my health.

My main goal is to feel better, however. A better mindset has been the most rewarding side effect of all the dieting & exercise I’ve been doing the past couple months – weight loss & toned muscles are just a bonus.

Let’s review my efforts so far…

Diet

I’ve been following a “mindful eating” diet plan set up with the help of ChatGPT. It helped me set up a schedule so that I wouldn’t get too hungry by dinnertime (& thus shovel a bunch of food in my face).

Here’s what that looks like :

Mindful Eating Schedule

10:00 – lemon / lime water
11:00 – fruit
1:30 – salad w/ protein
4:00 – smoothie / yogurt
6:30 – veggies with hummus
8:00 – dinner
11:30 – dark chocolate & nuts
1:00 – fruit

I don’t follow this strictly, but it’s been proving to be pretty good guidelines for me. I’m trying to focus on eating mostly veggies & protein. Through ideas from Tim Ferriss’ slow carb diet, part of my weekly “do nothing day” includes “going crazy” (which has definitely helped me keep my sanity!) And on days when we find ourselves on an adventure, I just try to stay mindful of what I order out (without depriving myself of the glorious BBQ of summer!)

I’ve also been counting calories using an app called “My Net Diary”. It makes sense to take in fewer calories than you burn off throughout each day, so it’s been making me more aware of what I’m eating. And I love it!

“Don’t drink calories” has been a big realization for me – I didn’t realize how ridiculous my coffee creamer was! (Bet your ass I’ve got a generous amount of it plus a shot of Trader Vic’s macadamia nut liqueur in there on “go crazy day” though! 😋)

Exercise

I forgot how much I love to exercise!

I started with just 5 minutes a day, and have built myself up to about 45 minutes (give or take).

I do different things daily, all movements that I love (which is key to maintaining the routine!) :

20min cardio / dance
15min arms / bellydancing
10min yoga / tai chi / qi gong

I’ve always been interested in belly dancing, and now that I’ve been doing YouTube videos regularly, I’m seriously considering signing up for a local belly dancing group. (How I would love to create & perform a routine to some ska & rockabilly – The thought of complementing “King For A Day” with the chimes of a bellydancing belt is just too adorable! 😊)

On “go crazy” days, I stick to just yoga, tai chi, and qi gong. And definitely not for 45 minutes!

I realized I have a bit of trouble with tai chi & qi gong because I’ve been practicing yoga for over 20 years. Yoga is about releasing energy and gradually improving flexibility, balance, & strength; where tai chi & qi gong are more about energy movement & manipulation, and range of motion. The movements in yoga tend to be more “grandiose” than those with tai chi, so I struggle to slow down and flow with the “chi”. But both types of movements have their appropriate times.

Smoking…..

Well…heh…oops! 😬

(I’m such an asshole……)

I quit smoking over 6 years ago, when I was pregnant with my oldest. However, I vaped until a couple of months ago when I’d lowered the nicotine level in my vape so low that I realized it was all psychological habit instead of addiction. So I quit.

I kept a pack of Camels around that I’d smoke maybe one or two a year if shit hit the fan & I needed a little nihilism.

Well, I needed a little nihilism amidst my recent “mid-life crisis”, & now I’m smoking more than I’d like to admit.

I gotta quit. Again.

It’s honestly kinda low on my list of concerns, though, to be honest. (A post on that soon…probably.)

I’ve really been enjoying sneaking off to the nooks & crannies of my yard to see whatever nature I can while I’m out there though – hummingbirds, butterflies, chipmunks, & squirrels throwing crabapples at me.

Health Log on Notion

I’ve been using Notion to help me keep track of everything (as always).

I have a database with a template set up to reset daily.

In the properties, I track how many fruits & veggies I eat each day, water, exercise types, calories, steps, cigs, and some other stuff.

The note itself contains my “mindful eating schedule”, a food log, exercise log, and space for reflections (I realized during yoga yesterday how cranky my knees have gotten omg!)

This is making it super easy to not only stay mindful throughout the day but also reflect & pivot as needed each week!

Lessons I’ve Learned

Diet is the most important thing to focus on if you want to lose weight. You can exercise all you want, but if you’re shoveling candy & chips in your face all day, you won’t make any progress.
Exercise is important for overall health. Not just mental & physical vitality, but also to tone up your muscles. So move your ass – You’ll lose weight a lot quicker!
Start small & build up to where you feel like you need to be. I slowly reduced my calorie “allowances” and started with 5 minutes of exercise (building gradually each week).
Do things you enjoy. I like the foods I eat on my schedule, & they make me feel good. I love dance cardio & belly dancing. If I tried jogging daily, it wouldn’t last long (I’ve tried, & it didn’t.) Do whatever keeps you interested.

I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come. If you’re working on your own health journey — remember, baby steps and curiosity go a long way. You’ve got this.

Have you started (or restarted) a health habit lately? Tell me about it — I’d love to hear.

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Rock on!

Where I’m at #11

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life at any random time, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Honestly, I’ve been pretty burned out on planning stuff. I left it up to hubby for most of the summer so far. This has been a mistake 😂 So I gotta plan some shit for next month – a bonfire, dates, & adventures!
self : I’ve been doing really well with my diet & exercise routines (expect a post about all that next week!) 💪 My brain is still a hot mess though lol 😭
marriage : We just celebrated our 6 year anniversary…with the kids. It was fun though. Next month, we’ll be seeing Kansas in concert (without the kids lol) cuz hubby insists they’ll be entertaining
mom : The girls are good 😊 Booboo likes climbing the door frame to the kitchen (which I also loved doing when I was her age hehehe), and Bubby’s imagination has been beautifully wild lately (I can’t wait til she can start writing stories!!!)
homeschool teacher : Still panicking about the school year ahead. Don’t even know why. It is what it is lol. I’m trying to figure out how to find time for more preschool for Bubby this year – we’ll be finishing “Easy Peasy” soon, and I hope she’ll be ready for “Playing Preschool year 2”. 🤞
zenBLITZ : Finding my groove more – I’ve enjoyed writing what I’ve been writing, and I’m starting to get a bit of a clue with social media 🤪
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Fuck it. LOL. All’s well enough. So…fuck it. 😜

Currently

eating : salads

drinking : lime water

watching : “You”, on Netflix (I hated this show when it first came out. Now we’re into season 3 & I love it!)

reading : One Italian Summer by Rebecca Serle

playing : nothing really

buying : shorts! I have too many colorful & patterned items in my closet. I feel like a rainbow with legs LOL

listening to : “Out All Night” by the Pietasters is on right now

celebrating : lazy days of summer

pinning : empowering images, self care, pretty pics for Notion covers, yoga, travel

planning : family dates, maybe a party (cuz I desperately need to get drunk & burn shit LOL)

feeling : not too shabby!

Rock on!

Marriage, Music, and Mayhem: 6 Years with My Wild Older Husband

Where I'm At

A long time coming, here’s a post about my husband & me. We’re quite the interesting couple, & we’ve had quite an interesting marriage so far. This month marks our sixth wedding anniversary and eight years together!

How We Met

As I’ve mentioned before, I used to work at several local gas stations. The first time I saw my husband was when I was probably about 20 years old – They say “you don’t meet the people you love, you recognize them”, & that was the case with my hubby. I’m not even sure why, but he intrigued me from the start. I’d seen him randomly over about 10 years, & always wondered why I didn’t see him more often, because I wanted to get to know this “eccentric older gentleman” – Come to find out the reason I didn’t usually see him is because he was stopping by on his way to car shows & he lived over an hour away.

The last time I saw him, I said hi when he came up to the counter, & he yelled “HIII!” more energetically than anyone I’ve ever met in my life – So, I said to him “you’re a spunky one, aren’t ya?!?” And that was it for a few years…

How We Got to Know Each Other

I was in a relationship with my ex for nearly 11 years before he admitted to cheating on me & wanting to split up. (That’s a story for another time.)

I was lost. Devastated. I ended up calling my mom’s sister (who I was never terribly close with, despite best efforts); she told me to call my cousin (who I was never a huge fan of…for many reasons lol); he told me to come camping at the property he just bought a couple years prior with his mom & brother. I needed to get out of the house, so I took him up on his offer.

Their campers were on the neighbor’s property — he let them hook up to his electricity. “Nicest guy in the world,” my cousin said. He was out partying with his brother the first time my cousin brought me out, but he insisted we hang out in the bar he built in his barn for weekend parties, and so we did. When he came home that night, on his pearlescent white Harley with blue road lights, dressed in full leather, he walked into the bar, yelled “HEYYY BUDDYYY!!!” & gave my cousin a big hug… In my head, I was like “oh my fucking god, it’s Mr Spunky!!!”

How We Fell In Love

Every weekend after that, I found myself talking with this intriguing gentleman in his precious, maximalist deco barn bar. We talked about everything. We’d stay up til the birds started chirping. My cousin asked 32 year old me, “what on earth could you possibly have in common with a 56 year old man?!?” And I said, “apparently, a lot.”

(I’ll do the math for you – that’s a 24 year difference.)

We talked about everything before we even started dating. He’d been divorced for 2 years, after 30 years of being in an abusive marriage – I didn’t want either of us to rush into anything, especially considering neither of us wanted to waste each other’s or our own time because life is short & precious. His only kid, a daughter, is just over a year younger than me – I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I wanted kids of my own & hadn’t had any yet – he said he wanted a litter of kids & didn’t care if he had them at his age. I couldn’t move in with him because of taking care of my father (& because it snows like a bastard down there in the winter!) – he said he’d give it all up (the barn, the cars, everything) cuz “you can’t take it with you when you die” – I said I didn’t want to make him give anything up (and we worked all that out as we went along).

I slapped him so many fucking times. Told him he was too old for me. Told him we were moving too fast. Told him I didn’t want to rush into another relationship so soon after my last one ended. He loved it! He loves telling everyone how I damn near knocked him off his bar stool when he tried to kiss me the one time 😝

I loved his determination. He knew who he was, he knew what he wanted, & he wouldn’t stop til he got it 🥰

We never rushed anything. We never wasted time either.

He wanted to go to a Reel Big Fish show with me. He got all dressed up (which was adorable), slammed an energy drink, showed up in a Mustang, & drove me to the show. That motherfucker outdanced everyone in the circle pit, & loved every second of it! 😂 Afterwards, we went out to dinner. They sat us right next to a fireplace. He did that corny stretch & put his arm around my shoulders move, & that was it. After 2 months, I finally stopped fighting (slapping) him. I felt so safe & excited at the same time – that’s when we started dating.

(In case you’re wondering why I’m not sharing more “punky” songs – These are the songs that my cousin’s wife had playing in hubby’s bar every weekend when we hung out lol)

How We Got Engaged

Not much to say here. Kind of.

He made me pick out my rings and his – mine is a beautiful sapphire with diamonds in a diamond shape around it; he has 2 (one for everyday wear, & one for fancy shit).

He even asked my dad’s permission first — because yep, we’re old-fashioned (and respectful) like that.

He made sure my cousins were at a local disco party held at a fancy restaurant, and he proposed as “Disco Batman” (though I made him take his mask off ). I was wearing a blond wig 🙃

How I got pregnant

Well, we won’t get into how 😂 But it was after a Ballyhoo / Badfish concert. (Thanks, guys!)

I legit thought “man, my allergies are so bad this year they got me throwing up every morning”.

And then I missed my period… 🤨

Our “Steampunk Wedding Extravaganza”

Not gonna lie, I wanted to elope.

I handmade all 100+ wedding invitations with a newborn snoozing nearby. “8:00 reception, 12 AM ceremony” (we wanted to make sure the people who liked us would stick around for the ceremony…& not be completely wasted.)

We ordered a pig & beef roast, and held a potluck for everything else – there was absolutely no shortage of amazing food & drinks for everyone to enjoy! There was a bounce house for the kids, & an antique firetruck for photos & a little education. Loud music, thanks to a DJ friend of Hubby’s. Everyone was encouraged to dress “steampunk”, & a lot more people showed dressed to the nines than we thought there would be! Entertainment galore!!

Just before the ceremony, Hubby rode around in his race car, and blew off a cannon & some fireworks with his brother. Mother nature even joined in with some heat lightning all around us, & kept us in a bubble during a crazy thunderstorm all around.

The ceremony was lit up by 4-wheelers. We jumped a little fire (to symbolize “I’d jump straight through hell for you”), and we all partied till dawn.

It was pretty epic; not gonna lie.

COVID

Then COVID hit.

No big deal for us, really. I remember hearing about all these women getting pregnant because they had nothing better to do, & saying to myself “nothing’s changed for us, so there’s no reason for me to end up with a COVID baby”.

And then I ended up with a COVID baby. 😂

That’s when Hubby started dealing with a bunch of stuff, which I may or may not mention in a future post. (Resulting in my emotional burnout).

Marriage Advice After 6 Years…

I certainly can’t say our marriage is perfect. But here are a few things we’ve learned that keep things strong…

Never stop talking. If there’s ever any problems between you, they sure as shit won’t be resolved with the silent treatment. Or yelling. Deep breaths & compassionate adult communication are pretty important. If there’s beef, lay it out & squash it quick.
Don’t stay mad. Ask yourself, “is it worth it to be mad about this?!?” The answer’s usually no.
Don’t go to bed without a kiss & an “I love you”. Even if you are mad. Life is short & fragile – they might not be there when you wake up. Don’t let it end on a sour note.
Shower together. Yup! It doesn’t need to get all sexy, but it’s always nice if it at least gets a little affectionate. 😊
Keep a sense of humor. Super important. Sometimes we all need to laugh so we don’t lose our minds, right?
Don’t take anything too personally. (I’m guilty of getting defensive at times, because of the ways certain aforementioned family members treat me.) It’s usually not that serious.
When you can’t fight physiology, work with or around it. If you’re anywhere near me or my husband’s age, you know what I’m talking about.
I went to the bathroom the other day, and came back to find Hubby vacuuming naked – “It doesn’t start in the bedroom. You just gotta make some effort.” Do with that what you will. 😂

We’re a weird match. But we work — and we’re still dancing through the chaos, one vacuum-naked moment at a time.

Got an unconventional love story? Age gap marriage? Steampunk wedding? Tell me about it in the comments. Or share this post with someone who’d get a kick out of it.

Subscribe if you’re new — there’s plenty more strange & beautiful life where this came from.

Rock on. 🖤

What If Your Midlife Crisis Is Actually Emotional Exhaustion?

zen

Why did I think I’d escape the good ol cliche “mid life crisis”? Oh yeah, because I was sure I already went through one like ten years ago. Yet here we are.

I keep coming across reminders that I need to “Reclaim a part of myself”. The random stale Camel from the pack I’ve had for 3 years because I quit smoking 6 years ago. A renewed passion for music and concerts (since I was the local ska princess 20+ years ago lol). And craving urbex, deep conversations, and fun parties.

Or at least an occasional break from homeschooling, making dinners, & attempting to clean the house (always a futile goal).

Is it a mid life crisis though? Or emotional burnout from all the bullshit I’ve been through the past few years (caregiving, stress, the world melting down)?

Yeah, probably both.

Could be worse though, I suppose… 😉

🔥 Reclaiming yourself isn’t selfish — it’s survival.

Got your own midlife (or burnout) story? Share it in the comments or repost with your own “clues from the universe.” Let’s normalize the chaos.

Stay weird. Stay loud. Stay you. ✨

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Rock on!