Because taking care of your body doesn’t require eating perfectly – it requires mindfulness.
Let’s be real – this is not gonna be a “Best Meal Plan!” post, & I’m not gonna yell at you for not eating like an Instagram dietician (they’re liars anyway 😉).
As part of the healing, growing, & maintaining a healthy life series, we’re gonna talk about…not eating like an asshole.
Because what you put into your body is more important than most things.
Repercussions
I spent last year paying much more attention to what I was eating after some concerning cholesterol results. My doctor encouraged me to make some changes, and I decided to focus less on “dieting” and more on actually nourishing myself.
My new, self-imposed diet primarily consisted of increased protein & produce, and minimal saturated fats, excessive salts, & added sugar.
Which worked incredibly well! I’ve lost about 25 pounds! ☺ I’m happier now about how I physically look & feel than I’ve ever been in my life!!
That version of me was determined. This year’s me is tired.
This year, I’ve been burned out. I like a lot of variety, & a lot of flavor – in my meals, as well as in life.
So, here’s where I’ve landed…
The Anti-Diet
The best thing you can do for your body isn’t following a strict diet.
It’s mindful consumption.
Rules are tools, not masters.
I’m not going to sit in the corner with a salad at a party, angrily watching everyone else enjoy some barbecue. Fuck that.
But I’m also not going to eat until I feel like I need to be rolled home.
I drink a lot of lime water. Water is crucial, especially during summer. One thing I learned from working in the ER – dehydration is ridiculously common.
I hate water. But I like lime water. 😉
I use smaller plates & bowls than even my kids, most days. It helps me question if I really need more of that amazing curry I made for dinner. (Omg, my curry is amazeballs!)
And looking at that smaller bowl reminds me to savor my food instead of shoveling as much deliciousness in my face as quickly as possible. (Why do that anyway? As though someone’s gonna steal it? 😅)
Find Your Minimum
Paying attention to what you put into your body is one of the most essential forms of self care & self respect that you can do, especially when you’re not feeling well and that candy dish is singing show tunes.
Find your minimum. Make it stupidly easy. And on the days when everything goes to shit, do that one thing.
Every day, I make sure to drink water.
On my worst days, I make sure to eat at least one vegetable. (Even on “Fuck All Day”!)
What’s your minimum? Drop it in the comments – I want to know what “not eating like an asshole” looks like for you on a hellish day.
If this one hit home, give it a like, share it with someone who needs the permission, and subscribe if you’re new around here.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
We need to talk about something far less exciting – and much more important.
Start With Prevention
If you can, check in with your primary care provider at least once a year.
Yes, I know – our healthcare system, every aspect of it, is fucked. It’s been that way for a very long time, & will continue to be for the foreseeable future.
That’s why it’s super important to be your own “patient advocate”, or have someone you trust help you handle that responsibility.
I did that with my father for twelve years – he was always pretty disillusioned by modern healthcare, couldn’t understand some of his diagnoses & medications, and he couldn’t hear worth a shit.
I’ve been advocating with my husband for most of the time we’ve been together, because his memory gets a bit finicky due to his TBI.
As annoying as it can be, it’s important to keep up with regular testing (bloodwork etc) & check in with your PCP at least annually to help prevent minor problems from escalating into major ones.
Keep copies of bloodwork, imaging, diagnoses, medications, allergies, surgeries, and specialist information whenever possible.
Which becomes even more important when your health isn’t something you can simply “fix” and move on from…
When It Doesn’t Just Go Away
Regular visits & record keeping are especially important if you have any sort of chronic conditions.
One example would be chronic illnesses – heart disease, diabetes, COPD, kidney disease, MS, and so on.
Another example would be chronic pain – arthritis, fibromyalgia, migraines, endometriosis, IBS, neuralgia, neuropathy, and so on.
Tracking your symptoms, how long they last, what treatments help (or don’t), and when you’ve seen your doctors can make a huge difference over time.
My Back Sucks
I was told when I was about 7 years old that there’s misalignment at the base of my spine, & there was nothing that could be done about it. So I kind of just accepted & ignored it until more recently.
I never considered it “chronic pain” until my husband pointed out how often I silently complain about it.
I think I learned to interpret pain as discomfort unless it’s excruciating.
For example – because of my back, the epidural I had with my younger daughter didn’t work right, & I went from “fine” to “screaming bloody fucking murder” in a matter of seconds.
So I finally started taking it more seriously. My current PCP ordered Xrays, & pointed out that there’s “nothing” going on in the middle of my back (but oh yes there is), & there’s “mild anterior listhesis & degeneration” at the base of my spine. When she finally physically examined the middle of my back, she was like “oh…um…” Yeah.
So now I’m in PT, & I’ll likely need an MRI to get an answer better than “oh…um…”
But…
For years I assumed my pain was simply something I had to tolerate. It wasn’t until I started taking it seriously that anyone else could take it seriously too.
If you don’t advocate for yourself, who will?
The First Step
Make sure you’re up to date with your healthcare, as much as possible.
Taking care of your body isn’t just about building strength. Sometimes it’s about making the phone call you’ve been putting off for three (or fifteen) years.
Respect your body enough to pay attention to it.
I know our healthcare system is failing the overwhelming majority of us, but we have a responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can.
Before you scroll away…
Ask yourself one question:
What have I been putting off because “it’s probably nothing”?
Then make one phone call.
Schedule one appointment.
Refill one prescription.
Request one copy of your records.
Your future self will thank you.
While you’re at it… 😂
Next up in the BMHS series : developing a diet that doesn’t suck.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
I wanted to write a post for me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, but I couldn’t really think of anything new to write. So here are some older posts, in case you missed ‘em :
I got behind on my posts for the first time in almost 2 years – I’ve never skipped a week, til now!!
It’s been a loooooong week. Weeks? While. Busy taking advantage of summer weather, & tending to some emotional chaos within the household. Which thrust me into a bit of my own chaos.
No better opportunity to show how I practice what I preach, so to speak, and to lean back into the series I’m working through…! (The last post in the series was “Choosing a Different Path”, if you need a refresher).
When Life Gets Messy
When life gets chaotic, people often either give up completely or try to overhaul their entire lives.
That’s why there are so many YouTube videos & blog posts touting “How to reinvent yourself in 30 days” or “Become your best self – here’s how!”
Most of us have tried it.
And most of us have watched it fall apart after a week or two.
Instead, we need something small enough to do on even our worst days.
Minimum Viable Self Respect
Back when I was a grieving teenager, I started studying stress management. I knew I needed a simple way to come back to myself whenever life got messy. And over the years, this gradually became a framework I still use today.
It’s also the framework I return to whenever I’m overwhelmed – which made it especially fitting this past week (or so).
The point isn’t to add another impossible checklist to your life.
The point is to make caring for yourself so approachable that you can still do it when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Because it’s a matter of respecting yourself – your whole self – in good times & rough ones.
Worthwhile challenges are awesome – they keep life interesting!
But times of chaos aren’t asking you to make things more difficult.
Practice Beats Attempted Perfection
Fuck self-actualization. And individuation. Nirvana, enlightenment, and all that bullshit.
We treat them like finish lines – the idea that one day you’ll finally “arrive.”
Perfection is nothing more than an idea. Not a state of existence.
There is no finish line.
Growth isn’t something you arrive at. Neither is healing.
These are things you practice.
Practice creates space for transformation.
That kind of growth is quiet. Slow.
A matter of choosing the next respectful action. Again. And again. And again…
And that transformation becomes resilience, discipline….character.
The BMHS Framework
Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I ask myself four questions :
Am I taking care of my body?
Mind?
Heart?
Soul?
To me, this is a bit of a hierarchy, with “body” being the most important & the first to focus on. All of these are essential to our existence, but some more so than others.
Body – physical needs (food, movement, rest)
Mind – inputs (what you’re reading, watching, listening to)
Heart – connections, relationships
Soul – outputs (expression, creativity, meaning)
I start with the body because it’s hard to think clearly, connect deeply, or create anything meaningful when I’m exhausted, starving, or running on empty.
Putting It Into Practice
Spend a week focusing on one area.
Or a month.
Or whatever your life allows.
No gold stars. No pressure. No failing.
Just practice.
That’s it.
Your character is defined by how your return to yourself, your values, & the ones you love.
A wonderful reminder that I found on Pinterest :
“Uncommon advice : If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. Then the right path will reveal itself.”
Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore each part of the framework – Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul – with practical ideas you can adapt to your own life.
In the meantime, ask yourself one simple question:
What’s one small act of self-respect I can practice today?
If this helped, share it with someone who’s white-knuckling their way through a hard season right now. And subscribe if you’re new – I’ve got more from this series coming!
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
We see each other. Whatever we’re going through at any point in time, we’re really not alone in dealing with it.
Now that the light has been cast…
Where Do We Go From Here?
Awareness is just the beginning.
My next series of posts will explore various means to enjoy the journey without all the typical fluffy self-help bullshit.
Changing the patterns a bit so that we don’t get stuck in them.
Reminding the demons who’s boss.
Life is About the Choices We Make
It’s good to acknowledge your shadows, whatever may plague you. But what to do with that knowledge?
It’s good to have some direction, however imperfect & fluid that direction may be.
We can choose to be stuck in unhelpful patterns, ideas, ways of thinking, ways of doing things.
We can also choose our own adventure.
“Life without design is erratic.” – Seneca
A very smart guy I once knew & will always adore posted this on Facebook a million years ago, & I wrote it down because it really hit me :
“We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything.”
Personally, that blurb hit me right in my indifference, but it speaks to a lot of things we all deal with.
“Life is about the choices we make”, and the perspectives we choose to take.
Stop Feeding the Demons
A pot of tea when they come to visit isn’t indulgent…it’s essential.
But at some point, you have to walk away from the table & get on with life.
There are no easy answers. Really, there are no concrete answers.
But ideas to contemplate.
All of the pathways in the brain are like trails in the woods.
If you follow the same trail constantly, the path stays clear & easy to follow, right?
But if the trail gets neglected, it becomes overgrown. It’s still there, but harder to find.
That’s how our minds work, in regards to a lot of things – memories, lessons, ideas, emotions, and so on. Helpful or painful.
Sometimes we find ourselves on a long neglected trail,
and we have to decide whether or not it’s worth it to clear the path,
and if so…whether or not it’s worth it to continue clearing that path.
That “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore”? Every pathway he ever made got overgrown for years – I was quite busy following other trails.
And while I still am quite busy, I’ve found myself on his trail quite a bit since it was illuminated a couple years ago.
Is it foolish to meander that trail like I do? I don’t think so. I’m very consciously on it in search of lessons. And I’ve learned a lot, and grown a lot, in the clearing.
The point is that not every path is important.
Emotions arise, exist, and pass.
Stories & rumination feed emotions – Clearing a trail that may be better off overgrown.
Practicing mindfulness is a means of choosing which trails to run down, and which to turn back from.
Whose Trail Are You Even On?
Are you following your own paths, or a map you knew would be easy to follow?
You have to get honest about who you are and what you actually want out of your life – if anyone does it for you, you’re not going to enjoy the outcome. Or the journey.
You can be labeled (or label yourself) as an addict, a depressive, an angry person, or whatever – labels can explain challenges we all face without becoming excuses.
Be mindful of your limitations, but mindful of your excuses just the same.
Gold In The Cracks
The goal is to learn how to grow from it.
How to become whole amidst it.
Integrating it instead of chasing the illusion of “perfection”. Or “normal”.
Taking the broken pieces & kintsugi-ing them back together – proudly displaying the gold in the cracks.
Build Your Own Damn Meaning
The idea that “if you can find meaning in life, you’ll be happy” is vague & unhelpful.
Build your own damn meaning. Now, that’s agency at its finest.
That’s human kintsugi.
Often, meaning can be found in helping others in some way,
and in the process you can pry yourself out of your own head.
Relationships matter, even if they’re minor or fleeting.
And often, if you look hard enough,
meaning can be found in all the little experiences you share with others.
Not in the hedonic pleasure of all the escape routes I’ve mentioned (though they can be a welcome temporary relief),
but in the eudaimonic, fulfilling sense of making the world a better place, even if ever so slightly.
Anger, sadness, anxiety…all those things can be a signal for action, if you let them.
Get out of the soul sucking relationship. Call the friend you haven’t talked to in decades. Fight against the injustices in the world.
Build your own damn meaning.
Blazing New Trails
This isn’t about hustle culture or toxic positivity.
This isn’t about shaming your demons, escape routes, or pain points.
This is about growth through experimentation, curiosity, & gentle iteration.
There are practices that help us map a different path in the woods.
Our own paths.
The following posts are the practices that have helped me create a more enjoyable trail.
Some of them may seem like “fluffy” bullshit, but they work for me.
No one can tell you what path to check out, because not everything works for everyone.
But everything’s worth a shot, eh? Challenge yourself to try something new, even if it sounds silly.
Awareness is just the beginning – now we learn how to blaze trails.
If you’re up for it: pick one trail – old or new – and just notice where it leads this week. No pressure to fix anything. Just notice.
And if you want to follow along as I share my experiences with some of these ‘fluffy bullshit’ practices, hit subscribe – the next few posts are going to get weird, and I’d love the company.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
Because your demons don’t knock – and they’re not going away.
Image created with Gemini
As excited as I was to write this post…I had a hell of a time with it.
Not because it’s emotionally heavy or because I’ve studied Jung – but because my take on it differs a bit from the standard one…
The Stuff We Keep Stuffing Into the Basement
Typically, the shadows & demons are the “unacceptable” aspects of your psyche that you bury to be able to carry on in a socially acceptable manner throughout your life – your rage, your fear, your sadness…
Things you were conditioned early on to hide from the world through your upbringing, your culture, religion, gender roles…
Things that tend to pop out in other unpleasant ways – sarcasm, harsh judgment of others, controlling behavior…
And, while I do agree with that sentiment, I think it goes far beyond that.
They can hide beneath many of the struggles I’ve been writing about these past few weeks – grief, anxiety, trauma, restlessness, addictions, daydreaming – and more.
They’re the thoughts, emotions, wounds, and patterns that refuse to stay buried.
The things we try not to feel, acknowledge, or understand.
The things that keep returning until we pay attention.
Though, the shadow isn’t always dark.
Sometimes it’s creativity that was mocked. Vulnerability that wasn’t safe. Assertiveness that was labeled selfish. Joy that felt irresponsible.
Sometimes the things we bury aren’t ugly at all.
The Mirror You Don’t Recognize
They can manifest in a variety of ways, and for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes for no obvious reason.
Something might trigger you. Someone’s judgment of you might hit harder than expected. You notice yourself chasing your tail. Nightmares. Fantasies.
They can be like an unrecognizable mirror – your past bleeding into the present.
Or they can just be an ominous feeling that you can’t shake.
For me (yup, getting really real here)…
It’s often a crushing feeling that I’m a hopelessly fucked up failure who disappoints everyone around me.
While I’m perfectly aware that these are “just” intrusive thoughts, fed by shitty, estranged family members who are in no position to judge… I can’t help but be afflicted by them occasionally.
Sometimes these shadows visit when I’m trying to fall asleep – all my perceived catastrophic failings as a caregiver, all my senseless guilt – sneak up & grab me by the throat.
Sometimes they visit my husband in his dreams, where innocent memories get distorted into horrific trauma. Which is, of course, incredibly disorienting.
Pull Up a Chair
This discontent is merely an invitation to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
“What you resist persists; what you accept transforms.” – Carl Jung
Demons will always pop out of the shadows – it’s wise to invite them to tea because they refuse to be turned away for long. They have their reasons.
They always retreat eventually anyway, but the purpose of sitting with them is to get to know them – what they are & why, what they need you to learn or know, & how to proceed when they go back into hiding.
They’re not shameful – everyone has their own, though many pretend they don’t & then chase their tails into purgatory.
They’re there to remind you, to humble you, to keep you compassionate & growing.
You don’t have to agree with them.
You don’t have to obey them.
But you might learn something by listening.
It’s a lifelong process of wholeness – enjoy the journey without the destination in mind.
“Make love to your darkness until it sighs in relief. You can’t heal what you won’t let howl.” – Christopher Sexton
The tea isn’t for them.
It’s for you.
Image created with ChatGPT
Shadow work isn’t a one-time breakthrough. It’s a standing invitation – and the door’s always open.
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop running. And if you’re new here – subscribe. We go to uncomfortable places, and we bring snacks (and tea).
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.
Image created with ChatGPT
Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.
Or bored.
They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.
All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.
Let’s talk about coping.
The good, bad, & ugly.
Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)
Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.
But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.
People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.
They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.
There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :
doomscrolling
binge watching mindless bullshit
maladaptive daydreaming
constant stimulation
porn
alcohol
gaming
obsessive crushes
fantasy lives
shopping
productivity obsession
Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :
“functional” escapism
overworking
endless podcasts/videos
compulsive self-help
obsessive planning
internet rabbit holes
None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.
Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.
Everyone has a vice.
Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.
Fantasy as Survival
There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.
Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.
It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.
It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.
Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.
The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**
The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.
I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.
Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.
I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.
It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.
I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.
Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food
I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.
In reality, you can be addicted to anything.
My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”
Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.
Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.
But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.
Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..
Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.
Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.
Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You
Some coping mechanisms protect us.
Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.
The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.
The point is awareness.
Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.
What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
You find yourself still restless & uncomfortable, scrolling endlessly or binge watching The Office for the 436th time just to avoid staring at the wall.
Cranky. Mopey. Mentally busy, but just spinning in circles.
Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right…
So you start looking for things to be pissed off about (did you see whatever political dumpster fire is trending this week?!?)
The funny look you got from your friend seemed more judgy than it really was.
Maybe you have no patience for the driver in front of you still sitting at the green light (”are you blind?! GO!”)
I do this shit too.
If your life doesn’t have a real problem, your brain will find one (or make one up out of nowhere).
Manufactured Problems
Beyond myself, I’ve watched this pattern in my favorite people…
My high school sweetie was passionately into politics, long before smartphones were a thing. Which would be fine if it didn’t make him so irate that he’d hardly talk about anything else.
My ex fiance used to troll the fuck out of anybody he could in every MMORPG he ever played. Ever.
My “old friend” used to yell at the entirety of Twitter on a routine basis.
My husband seems to love doom scrolling Google articles in search of things to be pissed off about (Musk > Hochul > Trump).
Doom scrolling war, politics, outrage…
Ragebait posts, comment sections swirling with turmoil…
Getting emotionally invested in things you can’t (or won’t) do anything about.
You find yourself with an “I can’t believe this is happening!” energy but no outlet.
Taking things too personally when you misunderstand the intent behind a loved one’s innocent comment.
Beating yourself up for not doing the dishes.
Everything becomes a trigger.
If your life is calm, your brain will outsource chaos.
Maybe you borrow it from the internet, maybe from the people you love.
Just to feel something.
The Mechanism
You’ve found yourself in an undeniable loop.
Bored? You crave stimulation.
Restless? You have too much mental energy floating around, looking for something to cling to.
Lonely? You feel a lack of genuine connection to other people.
Catalysts for internal chaos.
You get irritable, searching for targets.
You overreact or fixate to things that don’t ultimately matter.
And then you feel even worse.
Rinse & repeat.
You’re not reacting to reality – you’re reacting to the absence of meaning.
Why Your Mind Starts Turning On You
Loneliness
You can definitely be literally surrounded by people, even people you love, & still feel lonely as fuck.
It’s not just a matter of being alone.
It’s a matter of real connection – people who you can process life with, & enjoy intelligent conversations with.
Having clubbin’ friends in your twenties or a breakfast club in retirement really doesn’t automatically create connection.
Chit chat doesn’t equate support.
Most people aren’t afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of being alone with themselves.
So they fill their lives with surface interactions.
And when you’re disconnected, your mind gets louder.
And less accurate.
Boredom & Restlessness
No goals, no intentional direction.
You tell yourself you’re “relaxing”. But if you’re honest… you’re mostly just killing time.
But time isn’t neutral – it can shape your mental state.
An idle mind doesn’t stay idle – it’s always searching.
The Dopamine Junk Food You Keep Eating
Boredom leads us to chasing easy stimulation in the form of consuming trite bullshit on the internet, or scrolling for quick lols.
Loneliness does the same.
You’re not actually looking for happiness – you’re looking for something to break the monotony.
But those short term dopamine hits don’t create lasting meaning in your life.
Here’s the Ugly Truth
Nothing catastrophic is happening, but your internal state is deteriorating.
Give your mind nothing meaningful to do, and it will create something meaningless to obsess over.
You don’t need a crisis to feel miserable.
This is all very human, but it’s not random.
Even if nothing is wrong, you may not be building anything that feels right.
Your environment may be fine. But maybe your inputs aren’t.
Escape Routes
When we get bored & lonely, we cope.
We distract ourselves, numb out from the dullness, fantasize about a “better” reality…
So you find ways to escape it all. Most of us do.
And that’s where things start to get interesting…
This is part of an ongoing series. Part two gets into escape routes, for better & worse – not in a “have you tried gratitude journaling” way. Subscribe if you want it.
And tell me: what does your brain fixate on when life gets too quiet? Comments are open.
Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)
The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone
You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.
You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.
You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?
Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…
The Way Grief Really Moves
Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.
You never really “get over it”.
It comes in waves throughout your life.
It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…
Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.
Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.
It never seems to fully end.
Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…
maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.
You’re Grieving More Than You Realize
I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.
I learned a lot.
One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…
It comes from a sense of loss in general.
That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.
Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.
And it sucks just as much.
When It Doesn’t Fade
Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.
Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.
Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.
For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.
It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.
It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…
Where This Hit Me
The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.
It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.
And then it just didn’t stop.
It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.
Things I hadn’t thought about in years.
And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:
everyone leaves me.
Not always in the same way.
Not always all at once.
But eventually… they’re gone.
And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.
I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”
And the only answer I could land on was this:
I was still grieving.
Not just one thing.
A lot of things.
And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.
It feels older than that.
Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…
I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.
Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.
But…why now?!?
There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning
For me, it was spurred by stress.
And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.
It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.
It’s a survival mechanism.
A painful one, but…
The Truth We Avoid
Some things don’t get tied up neatly.
There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”
And that’s a bitch to accept.
Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.
That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.
But a lot of things don’t work like that.
Some things stay.
Not as sharp. Not as constant.
But still there.
You don’t get over it.
You learn to live with it.
And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.
It evolves with you.
And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.
The way you see people.
The way you love.
The way you hold onto things that matter.
Maybe even the way you create.
Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.
But because it became part of you.
And you learned how to carry it differently.
Some things don’t leave you empty.
They leave something behind.
Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.
And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.
So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.
Maybe the healing never quite ends.
And Then There’s This…
What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.
When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…
we’ll get to that next week. 💚
It’s not random. And it’s not just you.
There’s a reason it still lives in you.
If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.
Or just sit with it for a while.
Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.
You know the feeling when something just feels…off?
Not dramatic, not urgent, just…not right.
You can still function – show up, get things done, carry on with life.
But it all feels heavier than it should.
Or you feel disconnected from…everything.
Nobody else can tell anything’s “not right”.
You’re doing what ya gotta do. You’re “fine”.
But it takes more out of you than it should.
You just go through the motions & routines of each day, not fully present, not really absorbing the moments.
Days blur together. Memories don’t quite stick.
Then you’ll have a good day, or a better day, and you think everything’s ok. You breathe the fresh air, go for a walk, hold a genuinely content smile…
And then it drops again.
So you start to question yourself – what’s really going on here?
And the cycle continues.
You end up feeling restless but stuck. Tired, but wired. Numb but overwhelmed.
Life becomes about just getting through the day. Or the hour. Or the moment…
There’s a reason this feels this way
This isn’t random. This isn’t you failing at life.
I experience this in my own ways, and I’ve spent a long time trying to understand it.
Often, you’re “just” stressed the fuck out. And when you’re stressed the fuck out, your body releases a chemical called cortisol.
Cortisol is helpful in short bursts because it’s purpose is to protect you, but it’s not meant to stay elevated.
Sometimes your nervous system speeds up, causing restlessness & anxious energy.
Sometimes it slows down, causing a heavy & shut-down feeling.
One pushes, the other pulls back.
And they cycle. As much as they feel the need to.
Your mind can get to the point of prioritizing getting through the moment over thinking clearly – and survival over presence.
Relief Without Hype
You’re not broken – you’re overwhelmed.
Your brain is trying to protect you, not break you.
This is what many people experience as depression & anxiety. They’re two sides of the same coin in my experience – even when only one is more obvious, the other is lurking.
Not broken. Not failing.
Overwhelmed. Depleted. Stuck in a loop your brain learned.
Everyone experiences some version of this, to varying degrees – there’s a spectrum, just like anything in life. Nothing is ever truly black & white.
It becomes a problem when it starts interfering with your ability to live your life. But you don’t need to hit a breaking point to take it seriously.
Have compassion for yourself – Understanding can change how you see it; labeling it can soften it. When you can put a name to it, it starts to lose some of its power.
You don’t need to justify how you feel…
Patterns like this don’t come out of nowhere – your mind learned them for a reason, even if you can’t fully see why yet.
Some things stay with you—experiences, stress, grief.
Even when they fade into the background, they don’t disappear.
And sooner or later, they surface.
Not randomly. Not out of nowhere.
There’s always a reason.
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not broken.
It makes sense.
Stick around.
We’re going to keep making sense of it – one layer at a time.
If this hit something for you, I’d love to hear – what part of this felt the most familiar?
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I couldn’t choose just one main picfor the month – You see why ☺
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I still just refuse to plan any gardening, or travel, or much of anything. I guess I’m just in that season of my life right now?
self : Stress > shoveling salty carbs in my face > 😭. I’m working on it…
marriage : Stress, but working through it – hubby’s ex wife decided to try to stir up some shit. She’s kind of a crazy asshole. We’ll survive lol
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : Two injuries to report this month LOL UGH. Booboo hurt herself pretty bad, but she healed well. And then she accidentally bashed Bubby in the bridge of the nose with a foam covered plastic baseball bat full force, so now she’s probably gonna have a scar (I guess that’s karma for Booboo’s scar from Bubs throwing her tablet at her?) THESE KIDS, MAN – OMFG!!! 😅
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well – I actually started Bubby in some Kindergarten classes, which she’s super excited about! I’m excited to take a week off for Booboo’s birthday! 😆(Since we school year round, we take an extended break around Xmas / Bubby’s bday, & then a short one for Booboo’s bday.) Booboo actually told me she’s disappointed to have a week off cuz she “loves school”, which makes me happy 😊
zenBLITZ : I’ve been working on a lot of posts lately, & having fun interacting with other writers when I have time 💚 And I finally started dipping my toes back in the waters of leatherworking! A little poetry here & there, and some fun over on Substack.
homemaker : 🤮😅🤣
(step) gramma : Oh, this kid is about to be killing me – she’ll be crawling before I know it! I never used a play pen with my own kids, so I’m sure I won’t be using one with her – I’ll just have to watch her like a hawk pretty soon here. She ate a whole packet of blueberry banana baby food the last time she was over – I couldn’t believe it! And then almost a whole bottle just a couple hours later 😳 I gotta come up with something special to do with her for my step daughter’s first Mother’s Day as a mom ☺️
Currently
eating – Salty carbs 😅
drinking – Water, mostly
watching – Lincoln Lawyer, The Traitors, The Floor
reading – “Aug 9 – Fog” by Kathryn Scanlan – I like it so far, but I can’t say I quite love it heh
playing – Sims Freeplay, Coin Master, Magic Sort
buying – birthday gifts for Booboo
listening to – SKA ☺️💚
celebrating – Booboo’s birthday, Mother’s Day soon
pinning – poetry, funny shit, self care, zines, sewing
zen BLITZ 