Birthday girl with Hubby’s new bounce house & 6ft bouncy ball 😆
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I’ve been loosely planning (& executing!) weekly adventures with the family since the weather has finally broke!! So far we’ve explored the local locks on the Erie Canal & paid a visit to Niagara Falls. Annual tie dye party next month, & I’m planning on making some rainbow pasta for an Italian pasta salad, so that’ll be fun hehe.
self : I’ve been pretty angry at my diet, so I’ve been rebelling a bit, not gonna lie. I haven’t completely abandoned it, but I’m definitely choosing not to be so strict about it because it’s just infuriating LOL. I finally got back to my fulllar exercise routine this past month, & I’ve been consistent with it (though also not so strict – I’ll substitute workouts if I feel the need to, but I’m still doing shit!) I’m trying to be a bit less irritable, but…that can be a struggle lol.
marriage : Always improving!
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : BooBoo had a fun birthday – hubby blew up the bounce house & 6ft ball to celebrate, & we’ve been enjoying both as much as possible since (I think Bubby wants to move in to the bounce house LOL)! Both girls are getting too big – it’s kind of nauseating LOL 💚
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going pretty well. Bubby’s definitely had a mental growth spurt – suddenly, she’s showing minimal signs of dyslexia (I’m still keeping an eye out though 👀). Looking to “finish up” the school year this month – I gotta make myself a full year SOP / cheat sheet so I don’t stress myself out every fuckin’ year lol.
zenBLITZ : Happy with things around the blog – the series I’m working through right now is honestly a little tedious to write sometimes, but enjoyable at the same time lol whatever sense that makes… And I started getting back to leather working, & fucking shit up LOL (lots of learning curves with that craft, omg!). Started playing with some designs that I’m considering adding to Red bubble sometime (we’ll see!)
homemaker : It’s all good. Whatever. 😂
(step) gramma : She’s doing great – almost got a “hi!” out of her!! 🤩
HSR (resale) : Yup, back on my radar a little. Only because I have no much shit sitting around that I apparently refuse to just donate lol. So, I started listing a little bit when I can (which is the tedious part). Maybe I’ll add a page on my blog here for the better listings, if I can find time to figure out the best way to do that!
Currently
eating – salt & carbs. And some healthy stuff too…!
drinking – lime water
watching – One Piece. (Hubby’s in love hehe)
reading – The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern – it’s gonna take me a while, but I’m enjoying the journey so far!
playing – Nothing, really. I quit The Sims Freeplay. It’s evil 🤣 (I’ll undoubtedly be back at it in the fall)
buying – Too much stupid shit I don’t need. Accidentally got Booboo a go kart because it was just too cheap. Lol 🤦♀️ (& she’s discovered the joy of drifting lol)
listening to – Lofi, ska, rockabilly…nothing in particular. Oh! Lindsey Stirling a bit again
celebrating – Father’s Day. Tie Dye Party. Summer!
pinning – leather working, journaling, self care, pretty lotus pics
Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)
The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone
You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.
You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.
You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?
Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…
The Way Grief Really Moves
Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.
You never really “get over it”.
It comes in waves throughout your life.
It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…
Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.
Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.
It never seems to fully end.
Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…
maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.
You’re Grieving More Than You Realize
I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.
I learned a lot.
One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…
It comes from a sense of loss in general.
That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.
Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.
And it sucks just as much.
When It Doesn’t Fade
Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.
Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.
Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.
For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.
It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.
It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…
Where This Hit Me
The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.
It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.
And then it just didn’t stop.
It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.
Things I hadn’t thought about in years.
And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:
everyone leaves me.
Not always in the same way.
Not always all at once.
But eventually… they’re gone.
And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.
I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”
And the only answer I could land on was this:
I was still grieving.
Not just one thing.
A lot of things.
And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.
It feels older than that.
Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…
I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.
Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.
But…why now?!?
There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning
For me, it was spurred by stress.
And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.
It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.
It’s a survival mechanism.
A painful one, but…
The Truth We Avoid
Some things don’t get tied up neatly.
There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”
And that’s a bitch to accept.
Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.
That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.
But a lot of things don’t work like that.
Some things stay.
Not as sharp. Not as constant.
But still there.
You don’t get over it.
You learn to live with it.
And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.
It evolves with you.
And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.
The way you see people.
The way you love.
The way you hold onto things that matter.
Maybe even the way you create.
Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.
But because it became part of you.
And you learned how to carry it differently.
Some things don’t leave you empty.
They leave something behind.
Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.
And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.
So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.
Maybe the healing never quite ends.
And Then There’s This…
What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.
When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…
we’ll get to that next week. 💚
It’s not random. And it’s not just you.
There’s a reason it still lives in you.
If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.
Or just sit with it for a while.
Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.
You know the feeling when something just feels…off?
Not dramatic, not urgent, just…not right.
You can still function – show up, get things done, carry on with life.
But it all feels heavier than it should.
Or you feel disconnected from…everything.
Nobody else can tell anything’s “not right”.
You’re doing what ya gotta do. You’re “fine”.
But it takes more out of you than it should.
You just go through the motions & routines of each day, not fully present, not really absorbing the moments.
Days blur together. Memories don’t quite stick.
Then you’ll have a good day, or a better day, and you think everything’s ok. You breathe the fresh air, go for a walk, hold a genuinely content smile…
And then it drops again.
So you start to question yourself – what’s really going on here?
And the cycle continues.
You end up feeling restless but stuck. Tired, but wired. Numb but overwhelmed.
Life becomes about just getting through the day. Or the hour. Or the moment…
There’s a reason this feels this way
This isn’t random. This isn’t you failing at life.
I experience this in my own ways, and I’ve spent a long time trying to understand it.
Often, you’re “just” stressed the fuck out. And when you’re stressed the fuck out, your body releases a chemical called cortisol.
Cortisol is helpful in short bursts because it’s purpose is to protect you, but it’s not meant to stay elevated.
Sometimes your nervous system speeds up, causing restlessness & anxious energy.
Sometimes it slows down, causing a heavy & shut-down feeling.
One pushes, the other pulls back.
And they cycle. As much as they feel the need to.
Your mind can get to the point of prioritizing getting through the moment over thinking clearly – and survival over presence.
Relief Without Hype
You’re not broken – you’re overwhelmed.
Your brain is trying to protect you, not break you.
This is what many people experience as depression & anxiety. They’re two sides of the same coin in my experience – even when only one is more obvious, the other is lurking.
Not broken. Not failing.
Overwhelmed. Depleted. Stuck in a loop your brain learned.
Everyone experiences some version of this, to varying degrees – there’s a spectrum, just like anything in life. Nothing is ever truly black & white.
It becomes a problem when it starts interfering with your ability to live your life. But you don’t need to hit a breaking point to take it seriously.
Have compassion for yourself – Understanding can change how you see it; labeling it can soften it. When you can put a name to it, it starts to lose some of its power.
You don’t need to justify how you feel…
Patterns like this don’t come out of nowhere – your mind learned them for a reason, even if you can’t fully see why yet.
Some things stay with you—experiences, stress, grief.
Even when they fade into the background, they don’t disappear.
And sooner or later, they surface.
Not randomly. Not out of nowhere.
There’s always a reason.
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not broken.
It makes sense.
Stick around.
We’re going to keep making sense of it – one layer at a time.
If this hit something for you, I’d love to hear – what part of this felt the most familiar?
If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share, and subscribe if you’re new.
I couldn’t choose just one main picfor the month – You see why ☺
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I still just refuse to plan any gardening, or travel, or much of anything. I guess I’m just in that season of my life right now?
self : Stress > shoveling salty carbs in my face > 😭. I’m working on it…
marriage : Stress, but working through it – hubby’s ex wife decided to try to stir up some shit. She’s kind of a crazy asshole. We’ll survive lol
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : Two injuries to report this month LOL UGH. Booboo hurt herself pretty bad, but she healed well. And then she accidentally bashed Bubby in the bridge of the nose with a foam covered plastic baseball bat full force, so now she’s probably gonna have a scar (I guess that’s karma for Booboo’s scar from Bubs throwing her tablet at her?) THESE KIDS, MAN – OMFG!!! 😅
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well – I actually started Bubby in some Kindergarten classes, which she’s super excited about! I’m excited to take a week off for Booboo’s birthday! 😆(Since we school year round, we take an extended break around Xmas / Bubby’s bday, & then a short one for Booboo’s bday.) Booboo actually told me she’s disappointed to have a week off cuz she “loves school”, which makes me happy 😊
zenBLITZ : I’ve been working on a lot of posts lately, & having fun interacting with other writers when I have time 💚 And I finally started dipping my toes back in the waters of leatherworking! A little poetry here & there, and some fun over on Substack.
homemaker : 🤮😅🤣
(step) gramma : Oh, this kid is about to be killing me – she’ll be crawling before I know it! I never used a play pen with my own kids, so I’m sure I won’t be using one with her – I’ll just have to watch her like a hawk pretty soon here. She ate a whole packet of blueberry banana baby food the last time she was over – I couldn’t believe it! And then almost a whole bottle just a couple hours later 😳 I gotta come up with something special to do with her for my step daughter’s first Mother’s Day as a mom ☺️
Currently
eating – Salty carbs 😅
drinking – Water, mostly
watching – Lincoln Lawyer, The Traitors, The Floor
reading – “Aug 9 – Fog” by Kathryn Scanlan – I like it so far, but I can’t say I quite love it heh
playing – Sims Freeplay, Coin Master, Magic Sort
buying – birthday gifts for Booboo
listening to – SKA ☺️💚
celebrating – Booboo’s birthday, Mother’s Day soon
pinning – poetry, funny shit, self care, zines, sewing
Everyone uses AI these days – even if they don’t realize it. To some degree, it’s baked into everything, including our search bars.
I remember having to get up to change the channel on the TV… and adjusting the tin foil on the antenna.
Now the TV tells me what I should watch – and gets cranky when it has to fight the invisible airwaves of WiFi to gain priority over my kids playing Roblox on their tablets.
Some people love it. Some people hate it. Just like anything else.
It can absolutely feed into antisocial behavior – why ask people for advice when a bot is fast, available, and (sometimes) more helpful?
(Still… go talk to your people. Even the mildly useless ones. This is your sign to schedule a coffee date.)
It can make you lazy if you let it. But so could TV, and we survived that era (sort of).
There are real concerns about deepfakes, cybersecurity, and where all of this could lead long-term.
But… like anything powerful, it cuts both ways.
Where AI Actually Helps
It can save a lot of time and money. Especially for creators – having an “assistant” that helps you think, organize, and refine ideas is huge.
It can support creativity. When I was learning leatherworking, I asked it a million questions after doing my own research and experimentation. It didn’t just tell me what I was doing wrong, it helped me understand why on a deeper level.
It can act as a support tool for mental health – not a replacement for therapy, but something to help you process between sessions. No burnout, no bias, just space to think.
It’s already being used in professional settings – medical, legal, and beyond. Ideally with actual human oversight (please let there be oversight).
And honestly? It can just… explain things better sometimes. More patience, more clarity.
Used well, it’s not a crutch – it’s leverage.
The AI Tools I Actually Use
ChatGPT – Yep. I get the criticisms, and they’re fair. But I don’t pay for it, I don’t overshare, and it works well for what I need. So I use it.
Claude – I’ve been experimenting with it more lately. Different feel, interesting responses. Still exploring.
Rosebud – A reflection app powered by AI. I’ve used it on and off for over a year. It’s helpful but it gets repetitive, so I started building my own version elsewhere.
Perplexity – My go-to for quick, concise answers. Especially more current or factual stuff.
Gemini – Hard to avoid if you use Google. I mostly like it for image generation – it fits my style better than most.
NotebookLM – Very interested in this one. The ability to “talk to” your own information is incredibly useful, especially for things like manuals or research.
Copilot – It’s fine. I mostly use it for image generation options at this point.
How I Actually Use AI (Day-to-Day)
AI enhances what I do – it doesn’t replace it.
It isn’t something to rely on – it’s something to work with.
For me, it’s a tool. And tools are only as good as the person using them.
Learning
At one point, I had ChatGPT help me build a combined philosophy & psychology curriculum. We set parameters, and it mapped out topics, readings, and writing prompts. Honestly, it was a lot of fun.
Homeschooling
I don’t rely on it heavily, but it’s great for brainstorming unit studies and lesson ideas tailored to my kids’ interests and ages.
Reflection
I mentioned experimenting beyond Rosebud – building my own reflection systems using different bots. Still early, but promising. Might turn it into a post (or even an app… someday, maybe 😆).
Blogging
This is where it really shines for me.
I keep a Notion database full of topic ideas, and those pages can get messy fast. When they do, I’ll drop everything into ChatGPT and have it ask me clarifying questions, then organize it into a clean outline (using my actual notes & ideas) that I can actually work with.
After writing, I’ll have it review for clarity, grammar, and flow – not to rewrite, just to point things out.
Then I use it for titles, SEO ideas, social captions, and image brainstorming.
That’s it.
I ignore anything I disagree with. It knows that.
And it saves me hours of overthinking.
Your Move
AI isn’t going anywhere.
So the real question is –
are you going to let it make you passive…
or are you going to use it to become sharper, faster, and more intentional?
Your move.
What do you actually use AI for? I’d love to hear where you stand.
If you liked this post, feel free to like, share, & subscribe if you’re new 💚
I heard about Capacities a year or so ago – everyone on YouTube seemed to be comparing it to Notion and Obsidian.
I love Notion. Obsidian, honestly, looks like a clusterfuck waiting to happen with the way my brain works.
I liked the idea of it, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to make it work effectively. Until one day…
What Capacities Actually Is (Without the Buzzwords)
So, Capacities is a “PKM” (”personal knowledge management”) platform, available on the web & as an app.
What makes it different from most PKM platforms is that it uses “objects” in place of folder or topic hierarchies, which helps to tie things together more easily. They do offer an idea map like Obsidian does, which I think looks really cool, but I haven’t found a practical use for it yet 😅
It’s been available for public use for over 3 years now, and they’re always trying to make it more intuitive. They, of course, have AI integrated, but I don’t know anything about it (I think it requires a paid plan, but I’m not sure).
You don’t start with tags & pages, you build them off your daily notes!
The base of Capacities seems to be their “daily note”, which you can customize with a template if you’d like.
So, I started doing “interstitial journaling” (a Bullet Journal term) in my daily notes, and added pages & tags as I saw fit.
Those tags & pages become their own pages, where every related note is already connected and visible – no copying, no organizing gymnastics. (I must point out, though – “pages” have static space for notes to add to the “object”, while “tags” don’t. Just something to bear in mind)
For things like PKM, I feel like Capacities is much more flawless than Notion. It almost feels less organized – but it isn’t. It’s just organized in a way that actually matches how many peoples’ brains work.
I’ll obviously still use Notion for almost everything, but I’ve been enjoying playing with Capacities for about a month now. I like that I have pages for restaurants (so I know what to order next time I go there), shopping (so I know where to find unique items I’ve discovered), & I even have a “lawyer” page to keep track of some current bullshit (lol 😭) – being able to see everything connected in one place, without copying & pasting or forcing it into a system, is honestly kind of a relief.
Final Thoughts (Is It Worth It?)
Now that I actually understand how to use it, I really like Capacities. It’s simple, intuitive, and unexpectedly kind of fun.
If you’ve tried it and bounced off, try giving it another shot – I’d love to hear how you use it!
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeahhh. Mostly planning to not lose my shit as warmer weather approaches & life gets busy. 🤪 I gotta figure out a tea party for April, & then BooBoo’s birthday is at the beginning of May (she wants to invite her cute gymnastics coach, which I’m almost not opposed to LOL). And we’re late on bowling.
self (body & mind) : Well, the household got a second (though less intense) round of sickness, so…that sucked. Still working on getting back into my diet & exercise routines. Had my annual PCP visit, & she commended me on my 20lb weight loss since last year, so that’s cool hehe. My mind’s been a bit chaotic, but… I’m trying. I realized the other day that I’ve been confusing the word nihilism with hedonism (I knew nihilism wasn’t the right word, I just couldn’t think of the right one lol), so now I’m doing some research & formulating a possible future blog post lol – that might be fun 😆
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re both sick of being sick. We’ve been enjoying Panera dates lately hehe 😋 Green Goddess salad & pomegranate hibiscus tea are personal faves right now!
No serious injuries…yet
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. I actually am taking BooBoo out alone for a mini date today, to get her hair trimmed & I think she wants to go to Five Below & then get a Happy Meal. We’ll see lol. These kids are obsessed with Roblox (I would be too if I were their age lol) & roller skating around the house. We’ve been having fun playing with dolls & makeup – I taught them how to put lipstick kisses on paper hehe. Oh, BooBoo’s got glasses now; she says they make her smart lol 😊
She’s adorable & she knows it
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s starting to get better with writing & letter recognition, & she can even “sight read” some words, which is great! BooBoo hates reading for no apparent reason, but her reading comprehension is definitely improving!
zenBLITZ : I’ve gotten SO behind on my posts, UGH! I haven’t had the time or energy to create much of anything lately, to be honest. Blargh. I’ll get back ahead of things pretty soon here. I hope.
(step) gramma : Chiquita Banana’s doing great! She’s such a happy, inquisitive little booger – it’s always a pleasure to see babies evolve, especially when you’re not seeing it all day every day because it’s easier to acknowledge from some perspective. She’s got 2 teeth now, she stands beautifully with minimal assistance, and she still loves the gingerbread man toy I got for her lol. She gets elated to see her Aunties BooBoo & Bubby, and they both love playing with her & feeding her. Too cute.
Currently
eating – Blueberry yogurt, at the moment lol. It’s officially salad season, now that it’s spring – so I think mushroom salad is in the plan for the week (pan fried mushrooms with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette)
drinking – Lotsa lime water. I quit drinking coffee & wine when I was sick, so now when I do drink them, they actually do their jobs LOL (kinda)
watching – Doom Patrol. Masked Singer. Suddenly Amish. I dunno…I can’t hardly pay attention to TV (so movies are definitely not my thing) – I always find myself too tired to be able to focus on shows. OH! The Scrubs reboot has really been rocking my socks though!! 🤩
reading – When You Read This by Mary Adkins – very interesting format, kind of enjoyable story so far
playing – The Sims Freeplay, mostly. I don’t know why I get so sucked in to this game, but it’s been an obsession on & off for like 15 years lol
buying – Too much, apparently. Well…I’ve behaved fairly well. Hubby, on the other hand, insisted we get a full size bounce house – he’s always wanted one, & we can afford to get it so…fuck it lol. He’s also trying to buy back “the Roger Rabbit car” he tried to buy when we were first together, but his friend ended up buying it (it’s a Bugatti-style golf cart that was actually used in the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”) Funny.
listening to – The Interrupters, at the moment
celebrating – SPRING! I can’t wait to be able to open & doors & windows & get some fresh air in the house, OMFG
To finish up my “health” related posts this month, I thought I’d share some stories from my time working in an Emergency Department a decade or so ago.
I started working at a local hospital in (I think) 2009 as a housekeeper (or “Environmental Services”, to make it sound more professional). Did that for two years before they changed management and I got pissed off & quit (more like threw my badge at them, told them to shove it, reminded them that I busted my ass for that place, and continued to bitch the whole way out the door. I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)
I went back a couple years later, with the intention of finding something better to do within the realm of healthcare. After an additional year of grinding my teeth in “Environmental Services”, I transferred to the Emergency Department as a “Patient Care Assistant” (which is basically a nursing assistant with no formal education & barely any training).
I hated it.
That’s a lie.
I resented the fact that I was supposed to spend 2 months training with a preceptor, but I only got 2 weeks (which amounts to a whopping 4 days on 12 hour shifts). Nobody gave a fuck – I talked to supervisors, managers, the union… no help. The company’s motto at the time was “Taking care of you is what we do”, yet they didn’t even take care of their own.
I also resented the fact that 97% of my coworkers were jaded, bitter, and lacking basic human compassion & decency. And lazy. Very fucking lazy – on other floors of the hospital, a PCA’s job is routine, set, and responsive to the assigned patients’ & nurses’ requests; in the ER, you do whatever you can, whenever you can, for whoever you can, and you do it with a sense of urgency. Well, that’s how I perceived it.
I digress.
I actually loved that job. I just never felt like I knew what I was doing (even though I did) because I was cheated out of adequate training, and I hated my bitch ass coworkers.
I loved the perpetual chaos, especially from working overnights. All 40 rooms were full, with at least 10 people in the waiting room at all times, for the first 6-8 hours of each shift. It was beautiful fucking chaos!
I loved constantly checking the board to see what I should do next. Part of my personality is “What’s the problem? What do we have to do to make it at least 1% better? Let’s do that…now!” Worked great in the ER, and with a lot of situations in life! Get shit moving & resolved ASAP so we can all move on with our lives.
And I loved briefly meeting & being able to help such a huge variety of people. That’s why I liked working in gas stations too – “What do you want? Here you go, get out of my store”, with the occasional deep conversation about religion and psychology and every other random thing you can think of. Working on other floors, a PCA would typically have the same patients until they were discharged; I didn’t want that. I love a quick turnover.
Despite the somewhat brief interactions, I learned from & loved a little bit of a lot of people. I found that I excel at making the uncomfortable as comfortable as possible, with humor & compassion – that’s the art behind the science of healthcare.
The ER isn’t just medicine – it’s humanity under pressure.
Here’s some stories…
The Bloody Nose Nun
I hate blood. It’s just not something that belongs outside of the body, in my opinion. Yeah, I know – probably not a good idea to work in an ER then. Shuddup 😉
One of my very first patients as a PCA in the ER was a nun. She said she was just sitting in her chair after dinner, knitting a blanket & watching TV, when her nose started bleeding. So, assuming the air was dry & it would resolve itself, she shoved a tissue up her nostrils & kept on knitting. After an hour, it just kept getting worse. So she paid us a visit. My job was to hold a bath towel against her nose for about 15 minutes until a doctor could come shove tampons up her face (that’s pretty literally the only thing you can do, so long as it isn’t a surgery-requiring hemorrhage).
I’m good for 5-10 minutes, but…I got to a point where I was gonna pass out & need to be admitted. That’s how much she was bleeding. Talking about hazing the newbie!
The ALS Wife
I was asked to go into a room and hold the older gentleman’s hand while he was intubated, to try to keep him calm. So I did.
While they were preparing to intubate, I overheard the doctors say that he had ALS. If you’ve been paying attention around here, ALS runs in my family.
When they were all done, they told me I could leave.
But I seemed to be the only one even noticing his devastated wife sitting there alone. So, I sat down with her.
I told her my name, my role at the hospital, mentioned that ALS runs in my family so I can relate in a small way to what she’s gone through as a caregiver, and offered any help I could – “if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, especially me. A blanket, someone to listen, a hug, a dozen donuts? I got you!” She thanked me, & I continued about my day.
When they transfer anyone who’s been intubated to another part of the hospital, an entire team needs to accompany the patient in case they code (stop breathing) on the way. I was asked to be part of the team while he was transferred to the ICU.
When we got to the ICU entrance, I was told to go back to the ER. His wife was asked to wait in the waiting room (in case there was a problem while getting him situated in his new death bed). I couldn’t leave her standing there helpless & alone, so I asked if she wanted a hug. She grabbed onto me & wouldn’t let go, which was fine. I held her while she cried, and I gently told her she should use this time with him to reminisce about the good times they had, remind him that she’ll be ok so that he can have some peace, and be grateful for the opportunity to tell him how much she loves him & say good bye. I reminded her that she will be ok, even though grief is an asshole, and to be patient with herself, & seek support wherever & whenever she needs it. When they let her in to the ICU, I wished her well & headed back to the ER.
Now, I’m not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or anything like that at all. I’m sharing this story as an example of how life sometimes throws people at you who you can genuinely help in some way, and its best to take the opportunity to be a decent human. That story still breaks my heart, but I’m glad I might have given her some warmth in that cold hospital.
That’s when I realized that sometimes your job isn’t to fix anything. It’s just to be a human in the room.
The Enema Guy
Yeah, part of my job was “soap suds enemas”. Gross. I’d hide if I saw that on the board & couldn’t find anything else to do. I’m not even joking.
Well, one time I couldn’t hide, so I went into the room.
The gentleman was probably in his 50’s. Kinda handsome.
I told him my name, my role at the hospital, and…he interrupted me.
“You’re not doing this, are you?!?” he said.
“I was asked to, yeah. Is that ok?” I replied.
He looked even more uncomfortable than a guy needing an enema should.
“Is it because I’m a pretty young lady?” (Not to toot my own horn, but I was in my late 20’s.)
“Yeah, pretty much!” he laughed.
I laughed too. “I understand, but trust me, you’d rather I do this than anyone else in this department – I’m way more intuitive & gentle than most of my coworkers here tonight. Seriously. I’ll make this as quick & painless as possible, ok?”
He grumbled & hesitantly agreed.
I’ll spare the details, but I truly did everything I could to make it as quick, painless, & as least humiliating as possible for him. Including bringing a commode into his room & closing the curtain (which most of my coworkers didn’t have the decency to do).
I saw him as he was being discharged & on his way out the door, so I said I was glad he was feeling better. He thanked me (a lot!) & said he hoped he never sees me again, either in the hospital or in public 😂
The Fatal MVA
So, a guy died in a car accident. Totally not his fault, either. He was in his mid to late 30’s, had a wife and 2 young sons.
The EMTs brought him to the hospital so his family could come & identify the body.
My job was to clean him up from the shoulders up so that his family wouldn’t be even more traumatized when they saw him.
He was bloody. And dead AF. How sad.
As I gently & lovingly scrubbed every dried speck of blood off his face, neck, & out of his hair, it was like I could feel his spirit lingering, going “what the fuck?!?” I quietly talked to him so that my coworkers wouldn’t think I’d snapped – apologized for his situation, told him his family will be ok & he’ll always be remembered & all that stuff.
After his family left, I was asked to be part of the team to transfer him to the morgue. So I did. We said a prayer for his spirit before we shoved his ass in the cooler, which was surprising out of my coworkers (not all of them were completely burnt out and disconnected!)
The Cellulitis Kid
A call came through the intercom. A young man was asking for a blanket. So I brought him a blanket.
He was kinda cute, but totally not my type – tall, football player type. We got into conversation, with him explaining that he was being admitted to another floor overnight pending surgery for the absolutely brutal cellulitis that had developed on his arm from an infection he’d gotten. As I left, he asked for my number. I politely declined, mentioning that he was too young for me besides the fact that I was engaged.
Still I made sure I brought him up to his room myself 😆 And then grabbed him some donuts for after his surgery with a little “get well” note before I left work for the day.
A couple months later, a young man came in via ambulance with “the worst shoulder dislocation anyone’s ever seen”. Nobody knew what to do, so they loaded him up with morphine while they figured it out.
I was busy with a million other things, so I only noticed the situation, not the person.
While standing at the nurses station, on the other side of the ER from his room, I heard someone yell my name with their outdoor voice, and then he yelled “I LOVE YOU!!!”
Oh my god it was so funny – all the bitchy nurses were stink eye-ing me so hard, I just laughed my ass off.
So I went into his room, tried to get him to calm down a little so I could get back to the 30+ other people I could actually help, and he chilled after that. He was flying though, LOL. I don’t even remember how they got his shoulder back into the socket…I think he needed surgery…again.
The Pitcher
About 2:00 in the morning, I was doing stuff. As I walked by one of the rooms, I heard someone say to me ”what are you doing?!? Get in here!”
All the female employees in the unit were in one room.
I didn’t know what was going on, so I stepped in & inquired.
“That drunk asshole in 3 took a swing at Kim!”
“…..and? He’s drunk. Swing back.”
“You’re crazy!”
I stepped out of the room to look around the department & see if I could find him. My favorite coworker, Nurse Donny, was trying to trap him with another male nurse & a security guard so they could restrain him because he was running amok.
Don came over & told me to get in the room. I laughed.
“I could flash him – I bet he’d be so caught off guard he’d stop dead in his tracks!”
“You’re killin’ me” Donny laughed.
“I’ve been in enough mosh pits, this dumb drunk fuck don’t scare me. Where is he? I’ll help you corner him!”
Just then the security guard got a hold of him, and then the cops showed up.
I was disappointed. I had some stress I needed to release 😂
Heroin Jesus
Early Easter morning (about 4am), a young man about 17 years old overdosed on heroin with his friends. They threw him in their car & rushed him to our ER. He died en route.
ER staff threw him in the trauma room. My job was to hold a leg down. 3 doses of Narcan later, that little shit came back like a bat out of hell. I’ve never seen anything like it – absolutely wild.
They stabilized him & moved him to a regular ER room. My job was to keep him awake & breathing to try to get his oxygen reading back to a safe level so that he wouldn’t have to be intubated before being transferred to the children’s hospital.
So I slapped him for a couple hours. Told him he’s lucky to be alive, so he better not fuck up like that ever again. Told him repeatedly he better do something good with his life from then on. And called him Heroin Jesus cuz he died & came back on Easter Sunday.
He didn’t need to be intubated.
Other Heroin Guy
We didn’t have too many drug problems come to our hospital, surprisingly.
One guy got to me though.
He was a “regular” – he was in our ER at least monthly because he’d devastated his body with drugs for so long, he was on his way out of this life. And he knew it. And he regretted it. Deeply.
When I could, I’d sit & talk with him because he really needed someone to talk to. He’d given up on himself a long time ago. No matter how hard he tried, how many times he’d been to rehab, how strongly he knew better – his addiction was just too strong. And, eventually, it won.
Very sad. He seemed like a good, caring, smart person when he had some clarity. Quite the shame.
“Crazy” Thyroid Lady
(This one really got to me too.)
I kept noticing room 14 needed an EKG done. Every time I had the chance, I’d go to do it, but there would already be somebody in there with an EKG machine. This happened about 4 times before I finally said to my coworkers, “hasn’t anyone done the EKG for 14 yet?!?”
“That bitch is crazy. She won’t let anybody do it!”
So, I grabbed an EKG machine & headed on in. I tend to be good with the “crazies”.
I introduced myself, told her my role in the department, & told her what I was going to do. I could tell she was frazzled as fuck. I told her she didn’t need to tell me anything that was going on, especially since I’m not a medical professional, but that I’m listening if she wanted to talk.
She told me she had a thyroid issue. When her thyroid is throwing her hormones off, she acts “a little weird”. She was acting a little weird, so her friend insisted she come to the ER & get her hormone levels checked. Now that she was in the ER, her anxiety had skyrocketed and she was having flashbacks to when she’d been sexually assaulted many years prior, but didn’t know why that was coming to her then. She said it was violent.
Obviously (to me), it was coming to her because all these strange men (doctors) were grabbing (although somewhat gently) at her throat to check the size of her thyroid. Plus, she was in a hospital gown, and PCAs were violating her personal space trying to hook her up to monitors and EKG machines. It only makes sense.
So, I was extra gentle with her. Got her to calm down and think her way through her current situation. I promised to do whatever I could to ensure only female staff assisted her, wherever possible (though we didn’t have any female doctors on staff that night). She thanked me, & relaxed quite a bit in comparison.
I brought the EKG read out to her assigned doctor, and then went to the head nurse to let everyone know she really needed female staff to help her as much as possible; I even offered to be the sole PCA to help with whatever she needed.
“WHY?!?” One of the cunt nurses overheard me & butted in.
The head nurse just stared at me like he was wondering why too, so I told them she was experiencing PTSD symptoms and needed fewer males around her.
“Well, I’ve been raped before – get over it!” the cunt blurted out loud enough for half the department to hear. (Obviously, she wasn’t “over it”, so why would she expect someone else to be?!?)
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” I asked as I walked away to help another patient. She blabbered on about how her husband assaulted her once, and I just couldn’t even. I had to walk away before I slapped her.
That’s the kind of shit that bothered me – not the blood, the overdoses, the disgusting cellulitis or enemas… The atrocious behavior & perspectives of certain (too many) coworkers. It fucking killed me to be around people like that. Now, I have a fucked up sense of humor, & I have my limits, but… I kinda feel like you should still have some sense of basic human decency to work with patients, especially in an emergency care setting. Fuck.
When it was time for “14” to be admitted to the floor, I noticed a male PCA grabbed her cart before I got the chance. I stopped him (not just because he was a man, but also because he was the kind of person who…I would literally rather die than let him help me). We actually got into an argument, because I insisted I take her up to the floor – He got pissy & I won. She thanked me.
The Actual Crazy Lady
About 5am, nurse Jason asked if anyone could “take the crazy lady in 28 up to the floor”.
It was very unusual for him to call anyone crazy, so I wanted to see just how crazy she was.
She was pretty crazy. I felt bad for her. And her husband.
A few years prior, I had a woman come into my gas station bitching up a storm about the fact that her credit card was being declined at the pump. The problem was her card. She disagreed. After screaming at & berating me for a solid couple minutes, her husband came in & told her to go wait in the car. He proceeded to apologize for her behavior, explain that she has an unknown medical problem that she’s being evaluated for, & then vented about how she was never like that, he doesn’t know what happened, he’s overwhelmed with taking care of her, & he hopes the doctors can help her get back to the sweet woman she used to be.
And here we are again, in the ER. I think her husband actually recognized me, but couldn’t remember from where (gas station is a far cry from ER I guess).
Bless his sweet soul, he was still taking care of her. And he was completely depleted; I could tell.
Assuming from meds, she was practically catatonic. Unresponsive. Still physically able to get up & get in a wheelchair…eventually. Which she then purposely “had an accident” in once we got up to the floor. I told her husband I would get a nurse to help me clean up her & the wheelchair, and he insisted he take care of her because there’s no way she’d let anyone else do it. So he did his thing, & I did mine. I offered some kind words & anything he wanted for free from the donut shop downstairs, but he declined. In retrospect, I probably should’ve brought him a sandwich or some tea anyway.
“Live your life so you have stories to tell” is something I’ve always believed.
But working in the ER taught me something deeper:
You don’t just collect stories —
you become part of other people’s stories, often at their worst moments.
So if you take anything from this:
Be kind. Be patient. Be human — especially when it’s inconvenient.
You never know what someone else is carrying.
What’s a moment in your life that stuck with you — for better or worse? Remember – Always Tell Your Story
I have quite the database of ideas I’ve thought up to write about. And after sharing my ALS post last week (The Family Curse: Growing Up in the Shadow of ALS), I thought I’d continue with more “health” related topics.
Traumatic brain injuries have been on my mind for a while because of some personal, but secondhand, experiences.
TBIs affect more people than many realize. Their effects can be subtle, confusing, and sometimes misunderstood.
And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that brain injuries definitely don’t follow a rulebook…
There Is No “One Size Fits All”
Brain injuries vary widely, and the symptoms can vary just as widely depending on the location & severity of the damage. Even still, two people with similar injuries may have very different experiences.
Symptoms may seem nonexistent for a time & then appear years later. For some, symptoms can be intermittent.
I think part of the reason for this is one of the most beautiful things about our brains – neuroplasticity. See, the neurons themselves don’t re-generate; once they’re damaged, they’re damaged. However, other neurons can gradually branch out & compensate for the damaged neurons, though sometimes this adaption can cause some problems while fixing others.
The Brain Is Just an Organ (But an Important One)
No different than your liver or heart, your brain is technically nothing more than chemicals and electricity. Personality, memory, and knowledge ultimately boil down to chemistry and electrical activity inside brain tissue. When that tissue is damaged, the effects can ripple through every aspect of life.
The most famous example is that of Phineas Gage (to the point that he’s often covered in basic Psych 101 classes) – working as a construction foreman in the mid 1800’s, a tamping iron shot through his skull, which annihilated a huge chunk of his brain’s frontal lobe. His survival after such an extreme injury is remarkable, but it was due to the fact that nothing that controlled his autonomic nervous system sustained damage – the frontal lobe is largely responsible for an individual’s personality, emotion, and social behavior. Despite his survival, his personality changed. Drastically. He went from being a meticulous leader, to being…well, by most accounts, kind of an asshole. Interestingly enough however, he hated animals before the accident; after the accident, he loved animals so much he became a stagecoach driver.
What Brain Injuries Can Affect
Again, symptoms vary widely depending on the severity & location of the injury, and many symptoms aren’t always obvious.
For example – the magnitude of cognitive and memory changes can be surprising.
Common physiological symptoms
migraines
neck pain
dizziness
exhaustion
coordination issues
Common psychological / cognitive symptoms
anxiety
anger
depression
memory loss
confusion
rumination
paranoia
irritability
The Night My Husband Hit His Head
A couple months before we met, my husband had a barn party at his place – lots of people, lots of stuff going on.
Probably a dozen shots in (I wasn’t there, but I know he was a party monster), he decided to use the porta potty in the barn. When he came out, he tripped on a rug & fell back, whacking his head on the concrete & effectively knocking himself out cold for a few minutes.
His friends thought he was dead. Yet they didn’t bother calling for an ambulance for some insane reason. (After working in an ER, I know that the standard operating procedure for such an injury is an ambulance ride with a neck brace on, & an immediate CT scan to check for internal bleeding.)
He was significantly concussed for nearly a week – throwing up, massive headache, dizzy, couldn’t hardly stay awake.
Eventually (as in after we met & I yelled at him), he went to a doctor and had MRIs done on his head & neck. Come to find out he’d slipped two discs in his neck. He also retrospectively remembers being told he has “black spots” on his brain, though I just recently found the imaging discs they’d given him & I’d like to review them myself (not that I think I’m a doctor, but I do have enough medical education & experience to be able to tell if that was a false memory of his, or if there’s some truth to it).
When Symptoms Show Up Years Later
For a few years after, he was “normal” – well, he’s always been a little weird, & that’s why everyone loves him, but he was normal for him.
Then things changed. To me at the time it seemed to be out of nowhere, but now I know it was because of the stress of trying to sell his barns to someone he shouldn’t have been selling them to, combined with working too much and not getting enough sleep.
It seemed to me like he was having a nervous breakdown – extreme paranoia, anxiety, rumination and memory confusion. After a couple years, things settled down for a few months.
Then they started back up, though less extreme. The second time around I realized what was happening — he was confusing dreams with real events.
He’s always slept like shit. He’s always been an “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” kind of guy. Unfortunately, that’s making his life hell these days because it’s just exacerbating other symptoms.
These days, he’s often very irritable, struggles with wanting to try new things, and sometimes he even gets lost when he’s driving around the neighborhood (luckily he was a truck driver & knows not to panic when he doesn’t recognize where he is). He also says that he feels like he “never fully came back into his body” after the concussion, which kind of sounds like a sense of perpetual brain fog.
A lot of these symptoms tend to come & go. But they’re there.
A Scary Moment
One night a few months ago, he was irritable for no apparent reason and we ended up getting into an argument. He eventually got so upset after ruminating for hours, he seemed like he was having a stroke – slurred speech, a little droopy on one side. I insisted I call 911 because it really freaked me out – I’d never seen that happen to him before. He insisted I wait (which is always a terrible idea if someone is actually having a stroke, by the way!!!) But once he calmed down, he was fine.
I’m not trying to diagnose anything here – just sharing what I’ve observed. And that incident showed me that brain injuries can sometimes manifest as stroke-like symptoms.
We’re currently awaiting further testing at a local neurological institute (the one I always envisioned myself working at, actually).
A Similar Story
My “old friend” that I mention occasionally told me back when we were friends that he’d suffered a TBI at some point – I don’t remember much of the story, but then again, neither did he.
I can’t recall the circumstances under which he said it happened, but I know he said he had no clue what the fuck happened. He had no recollection of it actually happening.
He also said that he’d sometimes experience symptoms of a stroke. He’d had an MRI done, which showed nothing at the time, so doctors were having trouble giving him any answers as to why this was happening.
Sometimes he’d get really irritable, and withdrawn, and then sometimes be super apologetic afterward.
In retrospect, after seeing what my husband’s been dealing with, I can’t help but wonder if this old friend is on my mind lately because I feel like I can understand him even better now than I did then. I mean, I don’t know if all of his symptoms (or my husband’s) are from their concussions, which I’m sure they’re not all, but… I guess it helps some things make more sense.
How Brain Injuries Can Affect Relationships
Brain injuries don’t only affect the injured person.
They can influence:
communication
emotional regulation
conflict
memory of events
I realized a while ago that sometimes the best response to these reactions is to just breathe, let us both cool down, and approach the situation with quiet compassion.
I struggle with that sometimes, I’m not gonna lie. When certain buttons of mine get pushed, I can get very defensive.
But that really is the only way to deal with it – quiet compassion, on both our sides.
Aging and Brain Health
My husband & I were recently talking about Bruce Willis, who is currently suffering from advanced frontotemporal dementia.
Granted, dementia is very different than a TBI – it’s a progressive neurodegenerative disorder which causes significant declines in language, memory, and behavior.
My husband was upset & said he didn’t understand why Bruce Willis’ family put him under someone else’s care.
As a caregiver for most of my life, and as someone who’s worked in an ER with more than my share of dementia patients… I explained that the decision could’ve been made as a result of caregiver burnout, arrangements due to his wishes before this point, or his current condition (don’t know if he’s violent or wandering out to the streets naked in the middle of the night, etc).
Brain conditions in general can become pretty complex.
So can anything that affects your body’s hormones & neurotransmitters in general (stay tuned for a thyroid story in next week’s post!)
Staying Proactive
There are definitely some activities that can support neuroplasticity & mental regulation, for everyone.
For example:
Yoga helps ground me in the present moment. It helps me to focus on what’s going on within & around me while I pull apart all the physical tension in my body.
Tai chi I’ve found to be especially helpful when my brain is extra busy because of the constant movement involved.
Any exercise you enjoy, that keeps your attention is great for your brain!
Meditation trains your brain to let go of fleeting thoughts – it’s helped me get through many a dental procedure, as well as just stay calm in chaotic moments.
Journaling. I can’t recommend journaling enough (brace yourself for a series coming soon lol!) It can help you work through tough situations & feelings, make plans for a brighter future, remember things as they happened, and so on. Especially analog journaling – the brain loves novelty & tactile sensations!
The “Thinking Notebook”
I’ve been journaling for about 30 years now, and I’m definitely an advocate for analog over digital.
Handwriting forces you to slow down & focus on what you’re actually thinking – The tactile experience literally engages your brain differently than typing.
I often think of my journal as a “thinking notebook” – a place to let my brain vent onto paper, so that it can all be easier to manage.
Closing Thoughts
The brain is resilient in amazing ways. But it’s also fragile – and sometimes the effects of injury don’t show up until years later. The more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring to ourselves and each other.
If someone suspects they may have experienced a head injury in the past, please –
talk with healthcare professionals
seek medical imaging
stay proactive about your brain’s health
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For those who don’t know, ALS runs heavily in my mother’s family. To the point where our genes are sought for study. It’s pretty scary.
Let me map out some of what little I actually know :
It comes from my mom’s dad’s family, traceable back as far as the late 1800’s when it was referred to as “creeping paralysis”.
My mom was the oldest of four girls, the middle two were twins : The youngest doesn’t carry the gene; the other three passed away, all from ALS, at around the ages of 35, 45, & 55.
The three sisters had a total of six kids between them, myself included. Out of those six, three have already passed away from ALS, most recently about two years ago now. I haven’t been tested for the gene, but my remaining cousins were & they do carry it.
Here’s two of many stories about about a couple of my cousins :
My odds probably aren’t great. But as long as I don’t get tested, there’s still a strange kind of hope in the uncertainty.
However, one of those remaining cousins was recently diagnosed with ALS. She’s only a couple years older than me, so…cue the amplified existential crisis.
I’m tired of being so rudely reminded of my mortality, as I’m sure were all of my ancestors before me.
I’m tired of all this grief, and fear.
That possible genetic time bomb has been ticking a little too loudly in my ear lately…
And I resent the fact that my family isn’t as close as it should be. It’s always been kind of sickening to me, because we all know that’s not the way it should be.
Shitty Instincts
For some reason, hearing this news makes me want to reach out to my old friend even more. (If you’ve been around a while, you’ve heard me mention him. And you may have heard me mention that I’ve tried reaching out to him, to no avail.)
Why.
Because I don’t wanna go out without resolution. Such unresolved tension. Especially since there’s no good reason for it in the first place.
And because I want his support; because sometimes he could be the most enlightening perspective in my life.
He was around when I first started learning more about the tragedy surrounding this gene, and he said to me one day, “seems you already count yourself among the dead”. Which wasn’t any more true then than it is now…
No One Makes It Out Alive
I don’t consider myself among the dead.
I consider myself among the cursed.
Cursed with immense loss & fear ingrained in my genetic code.
Cursed with being faced with the harshest of realities, such as the fact that no one’s there when all is done – ”In the end, you’re measured by how you treat the people closest to you“ – Ryan Holiday.
Cursed with shitty genes & a constant reminder of how short life can be.
But also immensely blessed with a sense of urgency that most people don’t realize until it’s too late. If they even get the chance.
All I can do is love my family, keep trying to live vibrantly, and keep trying to help others.
“Life is long, if you know how to use it” – Seneca
Celebrate life. Honor your ancestors.
If ALS has touched your family too, you already know the strange mix of grief, fear, and urgency that comes with it.
If you’re able, consider supporting ALS research – or simply reach out to someone you love today. None of us are promised tomorrow.
Click here to learn more about ALS or to donate toward finding a cure 👉 ALS Association
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