You find yourself still restless & uncomfortable, scrolling endlessly or binge watching The Office for the 436th time just to avoid staring at the wall.
Cranky. Mopey. Mentally busy, but just spinning in circles.
Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right…
So you start looking for things to be pissed off about (did you see whatever political dumpster fire is trending this week?!?)
The funny look you got from your friend seemed more judgy than it really was.
Maybe you have no patience for the driver in front of you still sitting at the green light (”are you blind?! GO!”)
I do this shit too.
If your life doesn’t have a real problem, your brain will find one (or make one up out of nowhere).
Manufactured Problems
Beyond myself, I’ve watched this pattern in my favorite people…
My high school sweetie was passionately into politics, long before smartphones were a thing. Which would be fine if it didn’t make him so irate that he’d hardly talk about anything else.
My ex fiance used to troll the fuck out of anybody he could in every MMORPG he ever played. Ever.
My “old friend” used to yell at the entirety of Twitter on a routine basis.
My husband seems to love doom scrolling Google articles in search of things to be pissed off about (Musk > Hochul > Trump).
Doom scrolling war, politics, outrage…
Ragebait posts, comment sections swirling with turmoil…
Getting emotionally invested in things you can’t (or won’t) do anything about.
You find yourself with an “I can’t believe this is happening!” energy but no outlet.
Taking things too personally when you misunderstand the intent behind a loved one’s innocent comment.
Beating yourself up for not doing the dishes.
Everything becomes a trigger.
If your life is calm, your brain will outsource chaos.
Maybe you borrow it from the internet, maybe from the people you love.
Just to feel something.
The Mechanism
You’ve found yourself in an undeniable loop.
Bored? You crave stimulation.
Restless? You have too much mental energy floating around, looking for something to cling to.
Lonely? You feel a lack of genuine connection to other people.
Catalysts for internal chaos.
You get irritable, searching for targets.
You overreact or fixate to things that don’t ultimately matter.
And then you feel even worse.
Rinse & repeat.
You’re not reacting to reality – you’re reacting to the absence of meaning.
Why Your Mind Starts Turning On You
Loneliness
You can definitely be literally surrounded by people, even people you love, & still feel lonely as fuck.
It’s not just a matter of being alone.
It’s a matter of real connection – people who you can process life with, & enjoy intelligent conversations with.
Having clubbin’ friends in your twenties or a breakfast club in retirement really doesn’t automatically create connection.
Chit chat doesn’t equate support.
Most people aren’t afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of being alone with themselves.
So they fill their lives with surface interactions.
And when you’re disconnected, your mind gets louder.
And less accurate.
Boredom & Restlessness
No goals, no intentional direction.
You tell yourself you’re “relaxing”. But if you’re honest… you’re mostly just killing time.
But time isn’t neutral – it can shape your mental state.
An idle mind doesn’t stay idle – it’s always searching.
The Dopamine Junk Food You Keep Eating
Boredom leads us to chasing easy stimulation in the form of consuming trite bullshit on the internet, or scrolling for quick lols.
Loneliness does the same.
You’re not actually looking for happiness – you’re looking for something to break the monotony.
But those short term dopamine hits don’t create lasting meaning in your life.
Here’s the Ugly Truth
Nothing catastrophic is happening, but your internal state is deteriorating.
Give your mind nothing meaningful to do, and it will create something meaningless to obsess over.
You don’t need a crisis to feel miserable.
This is all very human, but it’s not random.
Even if nothing is wrong, you may not be building anything that feels right.
Your environment may be fine. But maybe your inputs aren’t.
Escape Routes
When we get bored & lonely, we cope.
We distract ourselves, numb out from the dullness, fantasize about a “better” reality…
So you find ways to escape it all. Most of us do.
And that’s where things start to get interesting…
This is part of an ongoing series. Part two gets into escape routes, for better & worse – not in a “have you tried gratitude journaling” way. Subscribe if you want it.
And tell me: what does your brain fixate on when life gets too quiet? Comments are open.
Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)
The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone
You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.
You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.
You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?
Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…
The Way Grief Really Moves
Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.
You never really “get over it”.
It comes in waves throughout your life.
It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…
Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.
Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.
It never seems to fully end.
Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…
maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.
You’re Grieving More Than You Realize
I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.
I learned a lot.
One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…
It comes from a sense of loss in general.
That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.
Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.
And it sucks just as much.
When It Doesn’t Fade
Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.
Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.
Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.
For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.
It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.
It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…
Where This Hit Me
The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.
It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.
And then it just didn’t stop.
It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.
Things I hadn’t thought about in years.
And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:
everyone leaves me.
Not always in the same way.
Not always all at once.
But eventually… they’re gone.
And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.
I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”
And the only answer I could land on was this:
I was still grieving.
Not just one thing.
A lot of things.
And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.
It feels older than that.
Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…
I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.
Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.
But…why now?!?
There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning
For me, it was spurred by stress.
And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.
It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.
It’s a survival mechanism.
A painful one, but…
The Truth We Avoid
Some things don’t get tied up neatly.
There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”
And that’s a bitch to accept.
Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.
That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.
But a lot of things don’t work like that.
Some things stay.
Not as sharp. Not as constant.
But still there.
You don’t get over it.
You learn to live with it.
And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.
It evolves with you.
And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.
The way you see people.
The way you love.
The way you hold onto things that matter.
Maybe even the way you create.
Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.
But because it became part of you.
And you learned how to carry it differently.
Some things don’t leave you empty.
They leave something behind.
Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.
And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.
So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.
Maybe the healing never quite ends.
And Then There’s This…
What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.
When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…
we’ll get to that next week. 💚
It’s not random. And it’s not just you.
There’s a reason it still lives in you.
If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.
Or just sit with it for a while.
Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.
I couldn’t choose just one main picfor the month – You see why ☺
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I still just refuse to plan any gardening, or travel, or much of anything. I guess I’m just in that season of my life right now?
self : Stress > shoveling salty carbs in my face > 😭. I’m working on it…
marriage : Stress, but working through it – hubby’s ex wife decided to try to stir up some shit. She’s kind of a crazy asshole. We’ll survive lol
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : Two injuries to report this month LOL UGH. Booboo hurt herself pretty bad, but she healed well. And then she accidentally bashed Bubby in the bridge of the nose with a foam covered plastic baseball bat full force, so now she’s probably gonna have a scar (I guess that’s karma for Booboo’s scar from Bubs throwing her tablet at her?) THESE KIDS, MAN – OMFG!!! 😅
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well – I actually started Bubby in some Kindergarten classes, which she’s super excited about! I’m excited to take a week off for Booboo’s birthday! 😆(Since we school year round, we take an extended break around Xmas / Bubby’s bday, & then a short one for Booboo’s bday.) Booboo actually told me she’s disappointed to have a week off cuz she “loves school”, which makes me happy 😊
zenBLITZ : I’ve been working on a lot of posts lately, & having fun interacting with other writers when I have time 💚 And I finally started dipping my toes back in the waters of leatherworking! A little poetry here & there, and some fun over on Substack.
homemaker : 🤮😅🤣
(step) gramma : Oh, this kid is about to be killing me – she’ll be crawling before I know it! I never used a play pen with my own kids, so I’m sure I won’t be using one with her – I’ll just have to watch her like a hawk pretty soon here. She ate a whole packet of blueberry banana baby food the last time she was over – I couldn’t believe it! And then almost a whole bottle just a couple hours later 😳 I gotta come up with something special to do with her for my step daughter’s first Mother’s Day as a mom ☺️
Currently
eating – Salty carbs 😅
drinking – Water, mostly
watching – Lincoln Lawyer, The Traitors, The Floor
reading – “Aug 9 – Fog” by Kathryn Scanlan – I like it so far, but I can’t say I quite love it heh
playing – Sims Freeplay, Coin Master, Magic Sort
buying – birthday gifts for Booboo
listening to – SKA ☺️💚
celebrating – Booboo’s birthday, Mother’s Day soon
pinning – poetry, funny shit, self care, zines, sewing
I’ve spent an awful lot of time consuming “self-help” information throughout my life.
I even jumped headfirst into every psych-related class I could find the first time I went to college, and I loved every second of it.
One of my favorite books at the time was Bus 9 to Paradise(which is basically some guy’s gratitude journal).
A lot of this stuff is interesting.
But a lot of it ultimately feels like bullshit.
Am I wrong?
The Loop (and Why It Doesn’t Break)
So, a lot of people do this.
You read, you experiment, you feel no different. And the cycle continues.
You end up feeling run down, pissed off, depressed, anxious, hedonistic… And then you feel pretty good, confident, content… And then… the cycle continues.
We don’t need more noise – we need direction.
What We’re Actually Doing Here
After my regularly scheduled “Where I’m At” post next week, I’m going to start digging into this.
Not surface-level fixes. Not pretty routines.
The real stuff.
We’re going to look at the darker corners – depression, anxiety, grief, trauma – and the ways we cope with them (not all helpful, not all harmless).
From having tea (or a beer) with your shadows & demons, to things like mindful (Epicurean) hedonism and tantric philosophy…
This is about figuring out what actually helps – and what just keeps you stuck.
I promise it’ll be an interesting journey!
Start Here
If you feel stuck, stick around – I have a lot of thoughts 😜
Pick a starting point. Don’t stay stuck.
If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.
Everyone uses AI these days – even if they don’t realize it. To some degree, it’s baked into everything, including our search bars.
I remember having to get up to change the channel on the TV… and adjusting the tin foil on the antenna.
Now the TV tells me what I should watch – and gets cranky when it has to fight the invisible airwaves of WiFi to gain priority over my kids playing Roblox on their tablets.
Some people love it. Some people hate it. Just like anything else.
It can absolutely feed into antisocial behavior – why ask people for advice when a bot is fast, available, and (sometimes) more helpful?
(Still… go talk to your people. Even the mildly useless ones. This is your sign to schedule a coffee date.)
It can make you lazy if you let it. But so could TV, and we survived that era (sort of).
There are real concerns about deepfakes, cybersecurity, and where all of this could lead long-term.
But… like anything powerful, it cuts both ways.
Where AI Actually Helps
It can save a lot of time and money. Especially for creators – having an “assistant” that helps you think, organize, and refine ideas is huge.
It can support creativity. When I was learning leatherworking, I asked it a million questions after doing my own research and experimentation. It didn’t just tell me what I was doing wrong, it helped me understand why on a deeper level.
It can act as a support tool for mental health – not a replacement for therapy, but something to help you process between sessions. No burnout, no bias, just space to think.
It’s already being used in professional settings – medical, legal, and beyond. Ideally with actual human oversight (please let there be oversight).
And honestly? It can just… explain things better sometimes. More patience, more clarity.
Used well, it’s not a crutch – it’s leverage.
The AI Tools I Actually Use
ChatGPT – Yep. I get the criticisms, and they’re fair. But I don’t pay for it, I don’t overshare, and it works well for what I need. So I use it.
Claude – I’ve been experimenting with it more lately. Different feel, interesting responses. Still exploring.
Rosebud – A reflection app powered by AI. I’ve used it on and off for over a year. It’s helpful but it gets repetitive, so I started building my own version elsewhere.
Perplexity – My go-to for quick, concise answers. Especially more current or factual stuff.
Gemini – Hard to avoid if you use Google. I mostly like it for image generation – it fits my style better than most.
NotebookLM – Very interested in this one. The ability to “talk to” your own information is incredibly useful, especially for things like manuals or research.
Copilot – It’s fine. I mostly use it for image generation options at this point.
How I Actually Use AI (Day-to-Day)
AI enhances what I do – it doesn’t replace it.
It isn’t something to rely on – it’s something to work with.
For me, it’s a tool. And tools are only as good as the person using them.
Learning
At one point, I had ChatGPT help me build a combined philosophy & psychology curriculum. We set parameters, and it mapped out topics, readings, and writing prompts. Honestly, it was a lot of fun.
Homeschooling
I don’t rely on it heavily, but it’s great for brainstorming unit studies and lesson ideas tailored to my kids’ interests and ages.
Reflection
I mentioned experimenting beyond Rosebud – building my own reflection systems using different bots. Still early, but promising. Might turn it into a post (or even an app… someday, maybe 😆).
Blogging
This is where it really shines for me.
I keep a Notion database full of topic ideas, and those pages can get messy fast. When they do, I’ll drop everything into ChatGPT and have it ask me clarifying questions, then organize it into a clean outline (using my actual notes & ideas) that I can actually work with.
After writing, I’ll have it review for clarity, grammar, and flow – not to rewrite, just to point things out.
Then I use it for titles, SEO ideas, social captions, and image brainstorming.
That’s it.
I ignore anything I disagree with. It knows that.
And it saves me hours of overthinking.
Your Move
AI isn’t going anywhere.
So the real question is –
are you going to let it make you passive…
or are you going to use it to become sharper, faster, and more intentional?
Your move.
What do you actually use AI for? I’d love to hear where you stand.
If you liked this post, feel free to like, share, & subscribe if you’re new 💚
I heard about Capacities a year or so ago – everyone on YouTube seemed to be comparing it to Notion and Obsidian.
I love Notion. Obsidian, honestly, looks like a clusterfuck waiting to happen with the way my brain works.
I liked the idea of it, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to make it work effectively. Until one day…
What Capacities Actually Is (Without the Buzzwords)
So, Capacities is a “PKM” (”personal knowledge management”) platform, available on the web & as an app.
What makes it different from most PKM platforms is that it uses “objects” in place of folder or topic hierarchies, which helps to tie things together more easily. They do offer an idea map like Obsidian does, which I think looks really cool, but I haven’t found a practical use for it yet 😅
It’s been available for public use for over 3 years now, and they’re always trying to make it more intuitive. They, of course, have AI integrated, but I don’t know anything about it (I think it requires a paid plan, but I’m not sure).
You don’t start with tags & pages, you build them off your daily notes!
The base of Capacities seems to be their “daily note”, which you can customize with a template if you’d like.
So, I started doing “interstitial journaling” (a Bullet Journal term) in my daily notes, and added pages & tags as I saw fit.
Those tags & pages become their own pages, where every related note is already connected and visible – no copying, no organizing gymnastics. (I must point out, though – “pages” have static space for notes to add to the “object”, while “tags” don’t. Just something to bear in mind)
For things like PKM, I feel like Capacities is much more flawless than Notion. It almost feels less organized – but it isn’t. It’s just organized in a way that actually matches how many peoples’ brains work.
I’ll obviously still use Notion for almost everything, but I’ve been enjoying playing with Capacities for about a month now. I like that I have pages for restaurants (so I know what to order next time I go there), shopping (so I know where to find unique items I’ve discovered), & I even have a “lawyer” page to keep track of some current bullshit (lol 😭) – being able to see everything connected in one place, without copying & pasting or forcing it into a system, is honestly kind of a relief.
Final Thoughts (Is It Worth It?)
Now that I actually understand how to use it, I really like Capacities. It’s simple, intuitive, and unexpectedly kind of fun.
If you’ve tried it and bounced off, try giving it another shot – I’d love to hear how you use it!
Quick note : Hi there! I do have another post I’m trying to write to go along with the “unusual” love posts I’ve shared this past month, but I have been sick as fuck. Like…fuuuck! And so has everyone else in my home. So, I’ve fallen a bit behind. I’ll try to get that out next week, pinky swear 😉
In the meantime….
It’s a sandwich.
“Where I’m At” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeah, I don’t know. I’m so thrown off right now, its not even funny. I’ll get back on track soon though. I’d like to plan some sort of family fun next month, be it bowling or a hotel visit, but we’ll see how everyone’s health goes, I suppose.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Bleh! I’m…less sick; but I have some surprising health concerns since I started getting sick, which I’m looking further into. And since getting sick, my diet & exercise…didn’t get put on the back burner, it got thrown right off the stove 🤪 So, I’m slowly working my way back into routines. My brain’s doing pretty good though, considering and despite almost crippling anxiety over said health surprises. Workin’ on it…lol
marriage : Things are good. We take good care of each other and the kiddos, so I’m perpetually grateful for that.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Bubby kicked BooBoo in the face & now one of her teeth are a tiny bit loose, but I’m hoping it’ll resituate itself (omg please!!!!!) (Dentist visit coming ASAP, FML!) (Is this what it’s like having siblings? Cuz I didn’t have any. LOL UGH). Just found out both girls have astigmatism, & BooBoo’s been complaining of headaches lately – so, assuming they’re not just from her sister kicking her in the face, we’re working on getting her glasses this week. And both girls keep getting crazy tummy sickness randomly – they’ll be fine for a couple days, & then in hell for a day (I’m glad whatever this bug is affects me & hubby differently than them, geez!) Otherwise…the girls are doing great!!! 😅
Yes, there’s a bounce house in my living room occasionally.That blur is BooBoo.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Due to sickness, school has been a little inconsistent. Still plowing through as best we can. BooBoo loves geography lately, and math. And Bubby’s gymnastics coaches are ready to throw her into the next level of classes because her skills are way too far beyond the level she’s forced into right now. She’s still enjoying it though 😊 Oh, AND she made a FRIEND!!! YAY!!!
zenBLITZ : As with diet & exercise, creativity has pretty much been thrown right off the stove the past couple weeks. I haven’t felt enough clarity to write, even when I try; and I haven’t had the energy to work on much else, though I did complete a couple of cool projects earlier this month (& I love them!!!) :
Completely handmade veg tan leather A6 “Traveler’s Notebook” cover (…I always fuck up the “B”! Ugh!)
Crochet spiral coaster
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Pfft! Everything’s fine, but… 😝 I had to cancel our annual crockpot party due to everyone feeling like death was upon them, so… Next month I’m planning to host an “Asian” themed dinner potluck – I’m thinking I’m gonna get some saki, sushi, order some unique snacks from Amazon, bust out all my cool chopsticks & nifty dinnerware from Wegmans, and bribe someone to pick up a couple meals from Taste of China (the best damn Chinese food I’ve ever had in my life!) So help me god, I don’t even care who’s sick, we’re having that party! 😆
(step) gramma : A new feature that I figured I’d add, because it’s proving to be a pretty important part of my life 🥰 – my step granddaughter!! We babysit her fairly often, & we love every second of it! She’s just over 6 months old now, & she’s very smiley & giggly & precious hehe. Both girls absolutely adore her, and BooBoo gets quite the kick out of making her giggle & feeding her her bottle.
Chiquita Banana
Currently
eating – Not much cuz FML I’m so sick of being sick…wah wah wah… 😂
drinking – Water. And tea. That’s about it. I haven’t even been drinking coffee (am I dying?!? LOL)
watching – YouTube. Lots & lots of YouTube.
reading – Still working on “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss
playing – The Sims. Bubby got me back into The Sims Freeplay on my phone. I don’t know why I get so obsessed.
buying – Oh boy. Hubby’s been on a bit of a spree this month. (I’ve been behaving, for the most part.) First, he made me buy a 6 foot bouncey ball from Vat19.com. Now he wants me to finally get him a pirate ship bounce house / water slide thing (which I’m not opposed to because he’s wanted one since before we even met, plus it’ll be fun in the summer, especially at parties.) And NOW he also wants to buy back the Roger Rabbit golf cart car his friend bought out from under him when we first got engaged. So, brace yourself for some interesting pictures this summer 🤣
listening to – Heaters. I’ve very much been enjoying as much peace & quiet as I can possibly get lately lol
celebrating – Life. That’s the best thing to celebrate. Especially despite the chaos of the world.
pinning – leatherworking, steampunk aesthetics, self care, & crochet
planning – Asian dinner party, potential adventure
Relationships are complicated because everyone is different – and so is every relationship.
Some people prefer to be alone. Some prefer to be in “open” relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Some prefer the cultural institution of marriage.
What does a marriage involve anyway? Perpetual devotion, walking hand in hand into the daily sunset until death do you part? Cooking holiday dinners side by side, year after year? Banging wildly every chance you get? Ideally, I suppose.
But every relationship has its ups & downs. We all go through phases in life, and we all change to some degree over time.
Same with the evolution of relationships. There’s the initial spark, the early electricity, the optimism of marriage, perhaps adding kids into the mix…burning out a bit. Let’s be real here, yeah? Life rolls in plenty of storms. Can your relationship weather the challenges?
It’s important to honor the fantastic, idealized picture you may have in your mind of the way things are “supposed” be, but it’s equally important to question that picture and consider how to integrate it into reality.
When Love Stops Being Cinematic
Some quick personal background info :
I’m the type for long term relationships – I dated my high school sweetheart on & off for 5 years, I was with my ex fiance for nearly 11 years, and I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years now.
I don’t really believe in marriage… even though I’ve been married for almost 7 years. I mean, I guess I kinda do believe in marriage (LOL), but I feel like society pressures us to get married. And I obviously think people tend to change too drastically for a 50 year marriage to be realistic. Just being honest.
I started studying long term relationships & tantra as a teenager – I’ve always known long term relationships require copious amounts of “work” to keep things interesting. My husband’s the same, though somewhat unintentionally.
Also, my husband was married for 30 years before he met me. Let’s not get into that shitstorm though…
I’m not an expert on anything. (No one is.)
With that said…
Relationships inevitably move from performance to presence.
Love quietly shifts from novelty to the liminal space of coexisting with another unique human being who you (hopefully) continue to admire, adore, and fight the battles of life with. Spontaneity sways back & forth with responsibility. Parenting, exhaustion, and life logistics reshape intimacy – What shape it takes is up to both of you.
Perhaps intimacy at a certain point needs to be viewed as enjoying the journey, not the destination.
That is tantra.
The Unsexy Truths That Actually Sustain Love
Life is short and everyone changes. That’s the unsexy truth, the harsh reality, and… the beauty of life.
I’m not the same person I was when I started dating my husband, and he’s not the same person either. (Are you the same person you were a decade ago? Not likely. Or possible.)
I’m now in my 40s. Despite my best efforts, I’m still about thirty pounds heavier than I was a decade ago (thanks, kids! 😂). Everything hurts & I’m perpetually exhausted. Mentally & physically.
He’s now in his 60’s. Doing pretty well for a “boomer” though! 🤣 He’s grown his hair out (to my dismay), and he’s a little wrinklier than he was – but still a handsome SOB! He now has arthritis, constant pain from the slipped discs in his neck, and he seems to be allergic to, well, everything. And he occasionally has some fairly minor mental health issues due to an old TBI (or 2…or 5), including sleep issues. In other words, his everything also hurts & he’s also perpetually exhausted.
Over time, your body changes, your energy levels shift, your mental health may veer a little sideways at times, and…desire overall changes form.
This is normal. This is to be expected. Staying grounded in that reality helps sustain the connection.
Redefining Erotic Energy
If you did the math, you can tell my husband’s a bit older than I am. Quite a bit.
Before we even started dating, we each dumped all of our baggage out for the other to decide if they really wanted to help carry it all. (We both have a lot of baggage, LOL!)
One of the things he mentioned was that, because of his age, his dick didn’t work that great anymore.
I told him, “I don’t need your dick hard to make love to you”.
Saying that, I knew one of two things would happen – either, like a fucking snake charmer, it would come to attention & get to work, OR, I would have to prove my point.
Spoiler alert – both happened. 😆
Side note – neither of our kids are “little blue pill babies”.
How?
Let me tell you…
Tantra.
When most people hear the word tantra, they envision fucking for hours on end. And while prolonged intimacy can be part of tantra, focusing only on sex completely misses the philosophy.
Tantra is about enjoying the journey, without focus on the destination.
This philosophy is relevant far beyond the bedroom. This is viewing life itself as erotic – seeking pleasure & joy in every moment, not just sexually. It’s about living vibrantly.
In a long term relationship (or marriage), that implies :
paying attention to each other’s subtle clues about how the other is feeling
maintaining playfulness (my husband likes to dance-vacuum naked sometimes, when the kids aren’t around of course 😜)
finding joy in simply spending time together
being present with that time together
maintaining curiosity about who we’re becoming as a couple and as individuals
being affectionate throughout the day without the agenda of turning each other on
and, perhaps most importantly, loving what’s in front of us instead of grieving what once was, emotionally & physically
We try to steal quick moments to shove our tongues down each others’ throats. Of course, the kids tend to rush in, wanting to turn it into a group hug situation. Bless their little souls lol.
We help each other around the house, even if the other says, “that’s ok, I got it”. “The fuck you do; what can I do to help?”
We laugh at everything we can. We sneak adventures in whenever we can (antique stores aren’t nearly as nerdy as I once thought!)
We constantly try to share interest in each other.
And, on the rare occasion that children, physical pain, or exhaustion aren’t killing the mood, we make love for as long as we possibly can.
It’s a lot of effort. But anything worth doing requires effort.
And that’s tantra – putting in the effort to maintain joy, for ourselves, and for each other.
The Grief No One Warns You About
Maintaining that effort by finding compassion for each other throughout challenging experiences is the true test of a long term relationship. Keeping up with communication is a major challenge, notably for me.
Life can throw any number of curveballs at any time – illness, injury, emotional distress, financial stress, and the list goes on.
I often find myself grieving a past version of my husband – exploding with vibrant vitality, optimism, compassion for others, and unadulterated ambition. A neon fucking light in the dark. And while that’s still him at his core, life’s curveballs have hit him in the balls a few times over the years. Mine too.
Part of me resents his not-so-gradual turn to pessimistic rumination & general distaste for the majority of humanity. But I get it. (Kind of.) Resentment can coexist with devotion, with some effort. I try to be a “smart wife” – understand what he’s going through, approach it with curiosity & compassion, and keep trying to steer him back toward his own neon fucking light. Without losing my own in the process.
We’re all constantly evolving, & that can be a struggle at times. Patience and trust are essential virtues within committed relationships, of any kind.
Choosing Love as a Practice Instead of a Feeling
Love isn’t always easy – Effort itself is a major act of devotion.
So, start now.
Who do you love? And what do you do to remind them that they’re loved?
You can only buy so many colorful bouquets & heart-shaped boxes of sugar once a year before the thought doesn’t count for much anymore.
And like in Green Day’s song “Redundant” – “When ‘I love you’s’ not enough, I’m lost for words”.
Take it up a notch.
Plan an unusual date night. Dress up & sing a song (especially if you can’t sing). Bust out the handcuffs (everyone has handcuffs, right?)
My Valentine’s gift for hubby this year is a jar full of love notes – reasons why I’d still marry him today. He can pull one out on a day when I maybe tell him to go fuck himself, and be reminded that an occasional shitshow doesn’t define our entire relationship.
Do something. Consider it intentional maintenance, because all relationships are ecosystems which require tending.
This is the first piece of his work that I was introduced to :
her creativity is my kink.
there’s nothing more seductive
than her
stripping down
to her original essence,
soaked in a feral flow state,
birthing galaxies from her genius.
i want her barefoot on the hardwood,
dancing in paint,
whispering poetry
to the sunrise,
paid in ecstasy
and eye contact
for simply being alive.
i want her calendar filled with nothing
but creation and kisses.
i’m building a world where
she doesn’t need to clock in because
her beauty already bends time.
i want to pay the bills
so she can pay attention
to the parts of her
this world taught her to abandon.
her job description?
bloom until the garden can’t
contain her.
her only responsibility?
reminding gravity
it can’t keep a woman like her
down.
her uniform?
poetry so naked
that truth feels overdressed.
her boss?
the rhythm of her breath.
her references?
the god that studied her heart
before creating
heaven.
the angels
birthed from the art
of her unedited expression.
her entire employment history
can be summed up in one line:
hired by life itself,
to remind every soul watching
that existence is
erotic.
she moans differently
when she’s dripping
in theta waves.
if i’m gonna be a provider,
let me provide her with overtime pay
to nap naked in the sunlight
on a thursday
while the wind writes love songs in her hair.
lingerie is cute and all,
but have you ever seen the lost art
of her unclenching her shoulders
and spreading open inside
her own limitlessness?
now.
that.
is.
fucking.
sexy.
If my husband were a writer, that’s what I know he would’ve written for me when we first got together. So reading that poem brings up a lot of feels.
It represents the ideal of being fully witnessed & adored.
That’s the “north star”.
Long term, love isn’t always living inside that ideal – but it can still orbit it.
Through the chaos of life & children, we make sure to show that we still see each other. We make sure we still give & take each other’s support, even if more imperfectly than before. And we make sure to maintain space in our lives for creativity & aliveness.
That’s the tantra.
Love as Evolution
People change, relationships change… Such is life. If we weren’t constantly changing, we wouldn’t constantly be growing. And that would be bad.
Change is good. “The only constant in life is change”, as Heraclitus said. Permanence is an illusion.
But to keep life enjoyable, you need to put in the work. And enjoy the work in the process.
Stay curious, especially with your loved ones, and stay real. That’s the only advice I can truly give.
Relationships don’t stay alive on autopilot. They stay alive through curiosity, humor, forgiveness, and effort.
If this resonated with you, take five minutes today to do something intentionally loving – for your partner, or for yourself.
What’s one small way you could nurture connection today?
And I’d love to hear your experience – what has long-term love taught you that no one warned you about?
I stumbled across the idea of “romanticizing your life” a while back, & it kind of struck me – why would you really want to romanticize anything else?
Little did I know, this phrase was a “trend” (I’m always out of the loop, which is where I belong 😅).
To me, romanticizing your life isn’t about aesthetic perfection, pretending everything is awesome, or assuming you’re failing if your life isn’t curated like it belongs in an art gallery.
It’s simply holding the mindset of presence & intent throughout your days. It’s a way of looking at the ordinary moments. It’s practicing mindfulness.
Romanticizing your life is about attention, not aesthetics.
What It Actually Looks Like (In Real Life)
Noticing Small Sparks
The fleeting moments that make you pause, such as snow glittering in the sunshine or a genuine smile from a stranger. Always be looking for insight, hope, meaning, joy – no one can give it to you, you need to find it for yourself. And you absolutely can, the more you look for it.
I try to write down the little things throughout the day that I enjoy, as part of my journaling practice. It’s uplifting to read even a year or so down the road & remember how the surplus of birds chirping in the big tree on the side of my house made me feel in that moment. 🥰
Hesitating in Boring Moments
Before grabbing your phone to numb out all of your boredom and stress, ask yourself : What do I actually want to be doing right now?
Is there anything that could make this moment more fulfilling?
Treating Ordinary Moments as Worth Recording
Not because they’re impressive or profound to anyone (including you), but because they’re yours.
All the little moments put together are the story of your life. It’s worth making notes of. (And, perhaps, sharing?)
Why Journaling Matters Here : Time Blur & Memory
I always feel like everything I do throughout the weeks just blends together – days feel like weeks, weeks like months, and so on – and I’m left feeling like nothing’s actually happened.
That’s why I review my daily notes often. I condense dailies into weeklies, weeklies into monthlies, and so on – It helps me get a clearer perspective on what I’ve accomplished, what fun I’ve had, and what insights I’ve gained over time. And why.
For me, journaling throughout the day and planning joy for the future are anchors in time. Control over future feelings. Proof that I’m living my life (not just existing). And forcing my perception of time to slow down by paying attention to it as it passes.
When you document your life, time stops erasing it.
Romanticizing Your Life as Self-Choice
You don’t need permission to enjoy your life.
You need to choose yourself inside the roles you play in your life.
As a wife & mom, I constantly feel guilt pulling at my heartstrings for craving autonomy & independence. But I’m not just a wife & mom – I’m a badass 😉
I know who the fuck I am, and I need to go out into the world & just be me sometimes – going to concerts by myself, running errands by myself, taking myself out to sushi & write in the dining area at Wegman’s. I love my family, & I do plenty of fun stuff with them.
But presence includes choosing to honor yourself & your needs, not disappearing into obligation.
Tools That Support the Perspective
Even amidst times of chaos, these are tools that have supported my passion for living my life. Of course, these are ideas, not requirements.
Journaling – (If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite a fan.) Even when I’m tired or have had a boring day, I’ll at least write a simple word in my monthly log to summarize the day. Even if that word is “BLEH!”
Planning – (Also a fan.) Planners are fun because they can be used for a lot of things beyond tracking dreadful appointments. Because I homeschool my kids, I abuse my planner, but it definitely helps me figure out where & when I can fit in adventures to local hiking spots or museums (with or without the fam). However, planners can also be used as memory keepers – I make one for my husband every year, using a “Hobonichi Weeks” style planner, where I write a highlight of the day every day & add photos weekly. Just an idea. 😊
Weekly / Monthly Reflections – I make sure that I browse through my daily notes once a week to reflect on what I’ve done & contemplated, and compile the useful stuff onto its own page; sometimes I’ll expand on those notes, sometimes I don’t. Monthly, I review my weekly reflections & do the same thing. This process gives me a lot of valuable perspective over time.
Who This Is For
You. If you’ve read this far, this is definitely for you.
You crave beauty & fulfillment but hate bullshit
Maybe you feel bored, stuck, or numb
You want more meaning without blowing up your life
You feel something missing but don’t want a fantasy fix
Romanticize your life by paying attention & living each moment with intention.
You don’t need a better life — you need to be present in the one you have.
Document one ordinary moment today. Get sensual about it, if you want – “that sip of coffee was perfectly warm on this frigid day, and slapped me to attention like a sumo wrestler warming up for a match”.
And plan one small, meaningful thing – just for you. (Even it’s just grocery store sushi.)
If this resonated, share it with someone who’s tired of numb scrolling — or bookmark it for the next time time feels slippery.
Since February is the season of love, I thought I’d write a focused series of posts throughout the month. Don’t worry, they’re not the typical bullshit. I’m thinking self love, romanticizing your life, long term relationships, and “weird” relationships… everything with a bit of a “twist”. 💚 Stay with me here…
Reframing February
The concept of self-love feels lame because it became performative, sanitized, and dishonest – Insta-worthy bubble baths & all that shit. It isn’t lame on its own, but the way it’s portrayed certainly is.
February doesn’t need more aesthetic self-care “advice”.
This post is intended as a humane, grounded, and lived-in reset.
Self love about staying with yourself, not futile attempts toward fixing yourself at the spa.
What “Self-Love” Actually Is (and Isn’t)
Self-love is something I choose when my mind is consumed with perceived chaos.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment – it shows up later as steadiness, clarity, or less self-abandonment.
It lives in the thoughts you repeat about yourself – all of yourself.
Sometimes you have to say “fuck you” to your self depreciating bullshit and choose yourself anyway.
The “Self-Love Is Cringe” Problem
The cringe associated with it is a social survival reflex.
Just as much as we’re pressured by the media to indulge in often frivolous acts of self care, we’re also pressured to “hustle, grind, rewind” – push through & ignore anything that gets in the way.
Growing up, caring openly often wasn’t “safe” for me. Especially considering all of the grief my mother’s family has dealt with (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast) – I was raised (as I know most of us are) to ignore my feelings & push through tough situations. Which, at times, can be beneficial. But it catches up to us all eventually.
“Softness” wasn’t modeled for most of us – for better and worse.
Self-love isn’t about erasing our shadows – It’s about integrating them so that they stop running the show from the background.
I try hard to let myself work with what I usually keep hidden, through my writing, my artwork & crafts, and journaling. When something is making me feel uncomfortable, I often ask myself why, and what positive & productive things can I do with this?
Self-love is choosing presence over avoidance.
Journaling as a Nervous System Practice
Journaling can be a great way to practice presence and soothe your nervous system – It’s a place to contain & converse with your demons when needed, and stay with yourself while you figure everything out.
There’s something about handwriting such that I personally I would suggest using an analog journal over digital – it forces you to slow down & examine your thoughts completely. Whatever method you choose is up to you of course, for the sake of privacy if nothing else. It doesn’t need to be seen by anyone but you.
It isn’t about writing well, it’s about maintaining presence. A sentence or two is enough if that’s all you have the time or energy for on any given day.
The 7-Day Self-Love Journaling Experiment Overview
On the topic of journaling, I’d like to invite you to try a quick little experiment!
The purpose of this experiment is to slow your nervous system, build trust with yourself, and create a place to land your chaos.
Day one will contain the whole practice, while the following days are optional expansions – so even one day counts!
If you miss a day: Nothing is ruined. Come back when you’re ready.
And remember – Self-love isn’t about consistency, it’s about returning to who the fuck you are.
Day 1: The Self-Love Letter
Write a letter to you as though you’re an outside observer who knows your personal history. No positivity performing, no shaming, no fixing.
Start by naming your current emotional state without judgment, just as a basis to understand the tone of the letter if you were to read it months from now.
Then reflect on the challenging situations you’ve dealt with in your life, being sure to acknowledge your resilience and any lessons you’ve learned or personality strengths you’ve gained through those experiences.
Express gratitude for your growth where it feels appropriate – Gratitude is acknowledgment, not unfounded praise.
Develop some affirmations if you’d like – Affirmations are for orientation, they’re not always hype. (Some fun examples – “I am a badass”, “Be yourself, fuck all”, “Live vibrantly”, or “Alchemize the fire within”.)
Skip anything that feels forced.
Days 2–7: Optional Expansions
Day 2: Naming Without Fixing
(Presence & containment)
Today is about noticing, not solving. Naming something doesn’t make it bigger — it makes it clearer.
What emotions keep resurfacing lately, even when you try to ignore them?
If you weren’t required to “do anything” about them, what would they want you to know?
What are you already doing to survive this season of life, even if it doesn’t look impressive?
Day 3: The Parts You Keep Private
(Shadow integration, gently)
This is for the things you don’t usually say out loud. You don’t need to like these parts. Just let them exist on the page.
What part of yourself do you tend to hide because it feels inconvenient, messy, or “too much”?
When did you first learn that this part wasn’t welcome?
How might this part be trying to protect you, even imperfectly?
Day 4: Slowing the Nervous System
Write slowly today. Let your body lead. This can be a list. Or a single sentence. Or a deep breath and a word.
How does your body feel right now — not metaphorically, literally?
What helps you feel even 5% more settled?
What does “good enough” look like today?
Day 5: Identity, Mood, and Self-Trust
(Who you are when you’re not performing)
Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do, like, or need that doesn’t make sense to anyone else?
What parts of your identity feel most stable right now?
Day 6: Boundaries as Care
(Self-love in action)
Think structure, not restriction – Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re containment.
Where do you feel most drained lately?
What boundary (time, space, energy, emotional) would support you right now?
What’s one small way you already protect yourself — even if it’s imperfect?
Day 7: Staying With Yourself
(Integration & closure)
Let’s close the loop without pressure. You don’t have to carry this perfectly – just honestly.
What did you learn about yourself this week?
Where did you show up for yourself, even quietly?
What would it look like to continue “staying” with yourself moving forward?
Lived Authority
As much as I love my family, I protect my morning routine ruthlessly. It’s become a very firm boundary that I maintain in my daily life. Otherwise, I find myself buried under other people in my ears, demanding my attention, all day long.
My morning routine is forced space for other things that are important to me such as reading, writing, movement, & meditation.
Self-love often looks like structured self care – Not indulgence, but an intentional nervous system reset.
Ultimately, for me, it’s a boundary for my family and for me.
Utilizing self-love and practicing self-care during genuinely challenging seasons taught me something important: I can endure chaos. And I can come out prouder, steadier, and more confident on the other side.
It’s about staying with myself.
This isn’t a prescription. It’s an invitation.
You’re the only person you’ll live with your entire life, so you’re allowed to honor yourself.
Self-love doesn’t need to be cringe.
And journaling is a real, usable resource.
If this resonated, you might try one sentence in a notebook tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Returning counts.
If you want more grounded practices like this, feel free to subscribe to my blog – no hype, no fixing, just honest tools for staying with yourself.
Stay tuned for more “offbeat” love related topics this February!
And if you share this post, make sure to pass it to someone who hates ‘self-love’ content. 😉
zen BLITZ 