Because taking care of your body doesn’t require eating perfectly – it requires mindfulness.
Let’s be real – this is not gonna be a “Best Meal Plan!” post, & I’m not gonna yell at you for not eating like an Instagram dietician (they’re liars anyway 😉).
As part of the healing, growing, & maintaining a healthy life series, we’re gonna talk about…not eating like an asshole.
Because what you put into your body is more important than most things.
Repercussions
I spent last year paying much more attention to what I was eating after some concerning cholesterol results. My doctor encouraged me to make some changes, and I decided to focus less on “dieting” and more on actually nourishing myself.
My new, self-imposed diet primarily consisted of increased protein & produce, and minimal saturated fats, excessive salts, & added sugar.
Which worked incredibly well! I’ve lost about 25 pounds! ☺ I’m happier now about how I physically look & feel than I’ve ever been in my life!!
That version of me was determined. This year’s me is tired.
This year, I’ve been burned out. I like a lot of variety, & a lot of flavor – in my meals, as well as in life.
So, here’s where I’ve landed…
The Anti-Diet
The best thing you can do for your body isn’t following a strict diet.
It’s mindful consumption.
Rules are tools, not masters.
I’m not going to sit in the corner with a salad at a party, angrily watching everyone else enjoy some barbecue. Fuck that.
But I’m also not going to eat until I feel like I need to be rolled home.
I drink a lot of lime water. Water is crucial, especially during summer. One thing I learned from working in the ER – dehydration is ridiculously common.
I hate water. But I like lime water. 😉
I use smaller plates & bowls than even my kids, most days. It helps me question if I really need more of that amazing curry I made for dinner. (Omg, my curry is amazeballs!)
And looking at that smaller bowl reminds me to savor my food instead of shoveling as much deliciousness in my face as quickly as possible. (Why do that anyway? As though someone’s gonna steal it? 😅)
Find Your Minimum
Paying attention to what you put into your body is one of the most essential forms of self care & self respect that you can do, especially when you’re not feeling well and that candy dish is singing show tunes.
Find your minimum. Make it stupidly easy. And on the days when everything goes to shit, do that one thing.
Every day, I make sure to drink water.
On my worst days, I make sure to eat at least one vegetable. (Even on “Fuck All Day”!)
What’s your minimum? Drop it in the comments – I want to know what “not eating like an asshole” looks like for you on a hellish day.
If this one hit home, give it a like, share it with someone who needs the permission, and subscribe if you’re new around here.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : More summer fun in the plans – that’s my main focus right now!
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Getting back into my workout routine, gently & including at home PT exercises. Man, PT is really fucking kicking my ass – not sure yet if it’s helping all that much, but I guess it can’t make things any worse, eh?! 😆 Funny enough… every time I get out of PT, I’m pissed, in immense pain, & white knuckling everything in the car. So, I started sitting in the back of a nearby parking lot so I can smoke a ciggy, breathe through it, & blast some music. And literally every time, “Bales of Cocaine” by Reverend Horton Heat comes on the radio & makes me lol ☺
marriage : Doing good! Went to his high school reunion last weekend, & it was actually quite a blast once I had a few beers & loosened up (I pretty literally never drink, so I was rockin’! 😅) It was a much needed reminder of who the fuck we are, & why we fell in love. 💜💚
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good – no major injuries to report, that I can think of. Booboo’s quite the social butterfly, & I really need to find her a friend she can hang out with once in a while, but parents are fucking weird, man. I mean, we’re weird, but at least we’re friendly 😂 Bubby’s got quite the personality, I tell ya…lol
She insisted on an 8lb ball 😆
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s much more relaxed over the summer, but we keep at it. Bubby shocked the shit out of herself when she realized she could figure out how to read number words, which was absolutely amazing to witness omg 🩷 Booboo’s been doing most of her work herself, which is absolutely awesome 💙 And both girls are still enjoying gymnastics – Bubby’s quite the perfectionist & she’s doing really well in class hehe
Impromptu field trip 😉
zenBLITZ : I’ve been so damn distracted by chaos… Not disappearing though! Just breathing!! 😉💚
homemaker : All’s well. I noticed I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about leaving all the yardwork for hubby, but then I realized how busy we’ve been. Plus I’m really struggling with my back & PT, so…no sense in senseless guilt – I’ll do what I can, when I can.
(step) gramma : Haven’t really seen Chiquita Banana much the past month – she was over last week for a little bit, but I let my sister in law soak up the “babyness” since she doesn’t get the chance to very often.
Currently
eating – mindfully
drinking – Strawberry Lemonade Monster energy drinks are fucking delicious! 😋
watching – Nothing much. The Traitors. Buncha shows came back on Hulu. Cancelling Max & Peacock next month – Max is good but we want to switch it up a bit, & Peacock mostly sucks ass heh. Gonna try Paramount.
reading – Still working on The Night Circus, but almost done – it’s been a lovely little adventure hehe
playing – Nothing, really. A lil Coin Master at night, but that’s it
buying – Stupid shit on Temu, but I’m calming down with that (I swear!!!)
listening to – The Foxboro Hot Tubs, at the moment
celebrating – Chiquita Banana’s bday!! 🎈
pinning – self care, pagan zen, free spirit, pretty & print, journaling
I wanted to write a post for me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, but I couldn’t really think of anything new to write. So here are some older posts, in case you missed ‘em :
I got behind on my posts for the first time in almost 2 years – I’ve never skipped a week, til now!!
It’s been a loooooong week. Weeks? While. Busy taking advantage of summer weather, & tending to some emotional chaos within the household. Which thrust me into a bit of my own chaos.
No better opportunity to show how I practice what I preach, so to speak, and to lean back into the series I’m working through…! (The last post in the series was “Choosing a Different Path”, if you need a refresher).
When Life Gets Messy
When life gets chaotic, people often either give up completely or try to overhaul their entire lives.
That’s why there are so many YouTube videos & blog posts touting “How to reinvent yourself in 30 days” or “Become your best self – here’s how!”
Most of us have tried it.
And most of us have watched it fall apart after a week or two.
Instead, we need something small enough to do on even our worst days.
Minimum Viable Self Respect
Back when I was a grieving teenager, I started studying stress management. I knew I needed a simple way to come back to myself whenever life got messy. And over the years, this gradually became a framework I still use today.
It’s also the framework I return to whenever I’m overwhelmed – which made it especially fitting this past week (or so).
The point isn’t to add another impossible checklist to your life.
The point is to make caring for yourself so approachable that you can still do it when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Because it’s a matter of respecting yourself – your whole self – in good times & rough ones.
Worthwhile challenges are awesome – they keep life interesting!
But times of chaos aren’t asking you to make things more difficult.
Practice Beats Attempted Perfection
Fuck self-actualization. And individuation. Nirvana, enlightenment, and all that bullshit.
We treat them like finish lines – the idea that one day you’ll finally “arrive.”
Perfection is nothing more than an idea. Not a state of existence.
There is no finish line.
Growth isn’t something you arrive at. Neither is healing.
These are things you practice.
Practice creates space for transformation.
That kind of growth is quiet. Slow.
A matter of choosing the next respectful action. Again. And again. And again…
And that transformation becomes resilience, discipline….character.
The BMHS Framework
Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I ask myself four questions :
Am I taking care of my body?
Mind?
Heart?
Soul?
To me, this is a bit of a hierarchy, with “body” being the most important & the first to focus on. All of these are essential to our existence, but some more so than others.
Body – physical needs (food, movement, rest)
Mind – inputs (what you’re reading, watching, listening to)
Heart – connections, relationships
Soul – outputs (expression, creativity, meaning)
I start with the body because it’s hard to think clearly, connect deeply, or create anything meaningful when I’m exhausted, starving, or running on empty.
Putting It Into Practice
Spend a week focusing on one area.
Or a month.
Or whatever your life allows.
No gold stars. No pressure. No failing.
Just practice.
That’s it.
Your character is defined by how your return to yourself, your values, & the ones you love.
A wonderful reminder that I found on Pinterest :
“Uncommon advice : If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. Then the right path will reveal itself.”
Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore each part of the framework – Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul – with practical ideas you can adapt to your own life.
In the meantime, ask yourself one simple question:
What’s one small act of self-respect I can practice today?
If this helped, share it with someone who’s white-knuckling their way through a hard season right now. And subscribe if you’re new – I’ve got more from this series coming!
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life...
I’m tired.
So, I had to ask myself – What’s making me so tired?
And then I realized…
The million mini mountains I try to climb on a daily basis – of inspiration, affection, adventures, education, & so on. It’s exhausting.
But it’s fulfilling. It’s resilience. Adaptability. Agency.
It’s a matter of indulging in life, instead of watching it happen.
“Memento Vivere”, because “Memento Mori” – I’ve personally had enough reminders to take it to heart. 💚
Maybe I just need regularly scheduled siestas… 😉
planner : Hmm…planning? Still doing our little adventures. Nothing too crazy planned for July… It’ll be me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, so we might have a steampunk party – I don’t feel like doing one, but we probably should, heh. I hate hosting parties cuz my anxiety goes haywire, but they’re not for me, they’re for his family to have a reason to get together, so…shuddup, anxiety! I don’t think I’m really planning much else in particular, so we’ll see where the summer takes us 🫠
self (body & mind) : Eggggggh. I finally got some answers about my back – I have “degeneration & misalignment on L5 into SI”, so basically the base of my spine is a fucker. And I’ve been feeling some excruciating pain in that exact spot for over a decade now. Weird thing is, the middle of my spine feels fucked up, but nothing shows on x-rays. So, I started PT. I was very thorough with him about where my spinal issues are, and when he ran his fingers down the middle of my back, he could very obviously tell something isn’t right – “it, like, juts out, and then the rest curves way in”. Yup. People think I have an ass- HA! I’ve been fooling you all these years, accentuating my horrifically fucked up spine with appropriately worn clothing LOL. Bwah ha ha! So, I started PT, and it’s painful as all fuckin’ hell, & he even said he honestly doesn’t think there’s anything he can do for me. I still enjoy chatting with him though, & getting into an actual gym, & learning a few things. So there’s that. I’ve been contrarian as fuck about my workouts lately, even simple shit like tai chi – I just refuse. I’ll get back into the groove soon though. I rolled my ankle & fell hard off my back steps at the very beginning of June, & it’s still not fully healed, but that’s not a valid excuse – I just don’t wanna. 🤷 Working back up to being mindful & intentional about my physical state, I suppose. Mentally, I’m doing alright. Feeling kinda bleh lately; “exhausted” would probably be a more appropriate word (and if you’ve read my “Day in the Life” post, you can see why). But, s’all good.
marriage : We actually went on a date!!!!! I literally don’t remember the last time we went out on an actual date. It was just to see a (really quite terrible) improv show, but it was cool cuz it was right by the river we’d gone to on one of our very first dates. We had more fun wandering around by the river than we did during the actual show lol, even though hubby won a gift certificate to a local restaurant.
💚💜
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. They had their end of season gymnastics showcase, which was super cute. Injuries? Only notable one was when Booboo crashed her go kart into the skoolie – good thing she was wearing a seatbelt & a helmet (& she got an impromptu homeschool lesson in velocity & traction that day heh). No real injuries though. I’ve been taking them on dates individually once a month, to get one on one time – took Booboo bowling & took Bubby to an arcade.
I think she just loves throwing things 😂
She’s totally a gamer girl 🎮
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Officially finished the school year. I was panicking when I had to turn in the annual assessment for Booboo, but it really wasn’t that serious lol. Well, until I went to turn it in – the drop box was blocked off by construction, & when I called they at first didn’t know what to tell me, so I ended up submitting it in the mail. Hopefully they got it lol. So, we’ve officially started 2nd grade & Kindergarten (since we do school throughout the summer), & it’s going beautifully! Bubby surprises me more every day!!!
zenBLITZ : I’ve been slacking a little, not gonna lie. I just haven’t been able to find the time or energy for my posts (I’m even behind on this one!) I created a landing page for my brand, with more links in progress when applicable – I like the simplicity of it. I’m working on a business card zine too – hopefully I can make it look as nifty as it is in my head lol, and I plan on doing a bit of “guerrilla marketing” with it. Worked on some “print on demand” designs, but haven’t started with Redbubble yet (mostly just playing with designs right now, in other words). Made a couple of cool leather bracelets which I’ve been wearing a lot, started a really cool looking traveler’s notebook (but then hubby over-conditioned it & now it needs to dry out enough to hold paper lol UGH!), & started a leather wallet but I’m finding that I’m appalled by 2-3oz leather, so we’ll see how it goes (an experiment if nothing else!)
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Fuck it. Fuck it all. 🤣 (It’s fine; nothing to report.)
(step) gramma : Good. Only got to babysit once or twice, but she’s good! 🥰
Currently
eating – Cup Noodles are my love language 😆
drinking – water, coffee
watching – Nothing really. I don’t have the attention span for anything, tbh
reading – I gave my copy of “The Night Circus” to a girl who drove over an hour to pick up something I was selling on Marketplace because she runs a circus side project 😂 So I’m awaiting my eBay order of another copy lol
playing – Nothing, really
buying – Well, hubby got his Roger Rabbit Bugatti golf cart, so he’s been spending some money on converting it from gas to electric. I’ve behaved, for the most part heh
listening to – Social Distortion. I don’t know why – I used to be bored by Social Distortion, but they’ve grown on me recently
celebrating – 7 years of marriage, & 9 years together!
All that said, I’m still behind on my posts, so we’ll see what happens – I may continue the series I’ve been working through, I may rant about any of the other things on my mind, I may just take a week off to let my brain simmer down from this 90*+ weather. Whatever happens, love you all 😉 See ya soon!
Stay real, live vibrantly, & rock the fuck on! 🤘💚💜🖤
Don’t forget to stop & watch the sun set once in a while… 💚
We see each other. Whatever we’re going through at any point in time, we’re really not alone in dealing with it.
Now that the light has been cast…
Where Do We Go From Here?
Awareness is just the beginning.
My next series of posts will explore various means to enjoy the journey without all the typical fluffy self-help bullshit.
Changing the patterns a bit so that we don’t get stuck in them.
Reminding the demons who’s boss.
Life is About the Choices We Make
It’s good to acknowledge your shadows, whatever may plague you. But what to do with that knowledge?
It’s good to have some direction, however imperfect & fluid that direction may be.
We can choose to be stuck in unhelpful patterns, ideas, ways of thinking, ways of doing things.
We can also choose our own adventure.
“Life without design is erratic.” – Seneca
A very smart guy I once knew & will always adore posted this on Facebook a million years ago, & I wrote it down because it really hit me :
“We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything.”
Personally, that blurb hit me right in my indifference, but it speaks to a lot of things we all deal with.
“Life is about the choices we make”, and the perspectives we choose to take.
Stop Feeding the Demons
A pot of tea when they come to visit isn’t indulgent…it’s essential.
But at some point, you have to walk away from the table & get on with life.
There are no easy answers. Really, there are no concrete answers.
But ideas to contemplate.
All of the pathways in the brain are like trails in the woods.
If you follow the same trail constantly, the path stays clear & easy to follow, right?
But if the trail gets neglected, it becomes overgrown. It’s still there, but harder to find.
That’s how our minds work, in regards to a lot of things – memories, lessons, ideas, emotions, and so on. Helpful or painful.
Sometimes we find ourselves on a long neglected trail,
and we have to decide whether or not it’s worth it to clear the path,
and if so…whether or not it’s worth it to continue clearing that path.
That “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore”? Every pathway he ever made got overgrown for years – I was quite busy following other trails.
And while I still am quite busy, I’ve found myself on his trail quite a bit since it was illuminated a couple years ago.
Is it foolish to meander that trail like I do? I don’t think so. I’m very consciously on it in search of lessons. And I’ve learned a lot, and grown a lot, in the clearing.
The point is that not every path is important.
Emotions arise, exist, and pass.
Stories & rumination feed emotions – Clearing a trail that may be better off overgrown.
Practicing mindfulness is a means of choosing which trails to run down, and which to turn back from.
Whose Trail Are You Even On?
Are you following your own paths, or a map you knew would be easy to follow?
You have to get honest about who you are and what you actually want out of your life – if anyone does it for you, you’re not going to enjoy the outcome. Or the journey.
You can be labeled (or label yourself) as an addict, a depressive, an angry person, or whatever – labels can explain challenges we all face without becoming excuses.
Be mindful of your limitations, but mindful of your excuses just the same.
Gold In The Cracks
The goal is to learn how to grow from it.
How to become whole amidst it.
Integrating it instead of chasing the illusion of “perfection”. Or “normal”.
Taking the broken pieces & kintsugi-ing them back together – proudly displaying the gold in the cracks.
Build Your Own Damn Meaning
The idea that “if you can find meaning in life, you’ll be happy” is vague & unhelpful.
Build your own damn meaning. Now, that’s agency at its finest.
That’s human kintsugi.
Often, meaning can be found in helping others in some way,
and in the process you can pry yourself out of your own head.
Relationships matter, even if they’re minor or fleeting.
And often, if you look hard enough,
meaning can be found in all the little experiences you share with others.
Not in the hedonic pleasure of all the escape routes I’ve mentioned (though they can be a welcome temporary relief),
but in the eudaimonic, fulfilling sense of making the world a better place, even if ever so slightly.
Anger, sadness, anxiety…all those things can be a signal for action, if you let them.
Get out of the soul sucking relationship. Call the friend you haven’t talked to in decades. Fight against the injustices in the world.
Build your own damn meaning.
Blazing New Trails
This isn’t about hustle culture or toxic positivity.
This isn’t about shaming your demons, escape routes, or pain points.
This is about growth through experimentation, curiosity, & gentle iteration.
There are practices that help us map a different path in the woods.
Our own paths.
The following posts are the practices that have helped me create a more enjoyable trail.
Some of them may seem like “fluffy” bullshit, but they work for me.
No one can tell you what path to check out, because not everything works for everyone.
But everything’s worth a shot, eh? Challenge yourself to try something new, even if it sounds silly.
Awareness is just the beginning – now we learn how to blaze trails.
If you’re up for it: pick one trail – old or new – and just notice where it leads this week. No pressure to fix anything. Just notice.
And if you want to follow along as I share my experiences with some of these ‘fluffy bullshit’ practices, hit subscribe – the next few posts are going to get weird, and I’d love the company.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.
Image created with ChatGPT
Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.
Or bored.
They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.
All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.
Let’s talk about coping.
The good, bad, & ugly.
Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)
Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.
But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.
People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.
They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.
There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :
doomscrolling
binge watching mindless bullshit
maladaptive daydreaming
constant stimulation
porn
alcohol
gaming
obsessive crushes
fantasy lives
shopping
productivity obsession
Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :
“functional” escapism
overworking
endless podcasts/videos
compulsive self-help
obsessive planning
internet rabbit holes
None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.
Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.
Everyone has a vice.
Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.
Fantasy as Survival
There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.
Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.
It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.
It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.
Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.
The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**
The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.
I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.
Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.
I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.
It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.
I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.
Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food
I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.
In reality, you can be addicted to anything.
My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”
Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.
Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.
But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.
Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..
Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.
Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.
Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You
Some coping mechanisms protect us.
Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.
The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.
The point is awareness.
Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.
What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
Birthday girl with Hubby’s new bounce house & 6ft bouncy ball 😆
“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I’ve been loosely planning (& executing!) weekly adventures with the family since the weather has finally broke!! So far we’ve explored the local locks on the Erie Canal & paid a visit to Niagara Falls. Annual tie dye party next month, & I’m planning on making some rainbow pasta for an Italian pasta salad, so that’ll be fun hehe.
self : I’ve been pretty angry at my diet, so I’ve been rebelling a bit, not gonna lie. I haven’t completely abandoned it, but I’m definitely choosing not to be so strict about it because it’s just infuriating LOL. I finally got back to my fulllar exercise routine this past month, & I’ve been consistent with it (though also not so strict – I’ll substitute workouts if I feel the need to, but I’m still doing shit!) I’m trying to be a bit less irritable, but…that can be a struggle lol.
marriage : Always improving!
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : BooBoo had a fun birthday – hubby blew up the bounce house & 6ft ball to celebrate, & we’ve been enjoying both as much as possible since (I think Bubby wants to move in to the bounce house LOL)! Both girls are getting too big – it’s kind of nauseating LOL 💚
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going pretty well. Bubby’s definitely had a mental growth spurt – suddenly, she’s showing minimal signs of dyslexia (I’m still keeping an eye out though 👀). Looking to “finish up” the school year this month – I gotta make myself a full year SOP / cheat sheet so I don’t stress myself out every fuckin’ year lol.
zenBLITZ : Happy with things around the blog – the series I’m working through right now is honestly a little tedious to write sometimes, but enjoyable at the same time lol whatever sense that makes… And I started getting back to leather working, & fucking shit up LOL (lots of learning curves with that craft, omg!). Started playing with some designs that I’m considering adding to Red bubble sometime (we’ll see!)
homemaker : It’s all good. Whatever. 😂
(step) gramma : She’s doing great – almost got a “hi!” out of her!! 🤩
HSR (resale) : Yup, back on my radar a little. Only because I have no much shit sitting around that I apparently refuse to just donate lol. So, I started listing a little bit when I can (which is the tedious part). Maybe I’ll add a page on my blog here for the better listings, if I can find time to figure out the best way to do that!
Currently
eating – salt & carbs. And some healthy stuff too…!
drinking – lime water
watching – One Piece. (Hubby’s in love hehe)
reading – The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern – it’s gonna take me a while, but I’m enjoying the journey so far!
playing – Nothing, really. I quit The Sims Freeplay. It’s evil 🤣 (I’ll undoubtedly be back at it in the fall)
buying – Too much stupid shit I don’t need. Accidentally got Booboo a go kart because it was just too cheap. Lol 🤦♀️ (& she’s discovered the joy of drifting lol)
listening to – Lofi, ska, rockabilly…nothing in particular. Oh! Lindsey Stirling a bit again
celebrating – Father’s Day. Tie Dye Party. Summer!
pinning – leather working, journaling, self care, pretty lotus pics
Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)
The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone
You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.
You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.
You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?
Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…
The Way Grief Really Moves
Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.
You never really “get over it”.
It comes in waves throughout your life.
It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…
Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.
Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.
It never seems to fully end.
Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…
maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.
You’re Grieving More Than You Realize
I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.
I learned a lot.
One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…
It comes from a sense of loss in general.
That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.
Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.
And it sucks just as much.
When It Doesn’t Fade
Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.
Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.
Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.
For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.
It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.
It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…
Where This Hit Me
The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.
It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.
And then it just didn’t stop.
It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.
Things I hadn’t thought about in years.
And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:
everyone leaves me.
Not always in the same way.
Not always all at once.
But eventually… they’re gone.
And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.
I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”
And the only answer I could land on was this:
I was still grieving.
Not just one thing.
A lot of things.
And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.
It feels older than that.
Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…
I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.
Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.
But…why now?!?
There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning
For me, it was spurred by stress.
And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.
It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.
It’s a survival mechanism.
A painful one, but…
The Truth We Avoid
Some things don’t get tied up neatly.
There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”
And that’s a bitch to accept.
Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.
That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.
But a lot of things don’t work like that.
Some things stay.
Not as sharp. Not as constant.
But still there.
You don’t get over it.
You learn to live with it.
And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.
It evolves with you.
And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.
The way you see people.
The way you love.
The way you hold onto things that matter.
Maybe even the way you create.
Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.
But because it became part of you.
And you learned how to carry it differently.
Some things don’t leave you empty.
They leave something behind.
Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.
And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.
So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.
Maybe the healing never quite ends.
And Then There’s This…
What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.
When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…
we’ll get to that next week. 💚
It’s not random. And it’s not just you.
There’s a reason it still lives in you.
If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.
Or just sit with it for a while.
Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.
I’ve spent an awful lot of time consuming “self-help” information throughout my life.
I even jumped headfirst into every psych-related class I could find the first time I went to college, and I loved every second of it.
One of my favorite books at the time was Bus 9 to Paradise(which is basically some guy’s gratitude journal).
A lot of this stuff is interesting.
But a lot of it ultimately feels like bullshit.
Am I wrong?
The Loop (and Why It Doesn’t Break)
So, a lot of people do this.
You read, you experiment, you feel no different. And the cycle continues.
You end up feeling run down, pissed off, depressed, anxious, hedonistic… And then you feel pretty good, confident, content… And then… the cycle continues.
We don’t need more noise – we need direction.
What We’re Actually Doing Here
After my regularly scheduled “Where I’m At” post next week, I’m going to start digging into this.
Not surface-level fixes. Not pretty routines.
The real stuff.
We’re going to look at the darker corners – depression, anxiety, grief, trauma – and the ways we cope with them (not all helpful, not all harmless).
From having tea (or a beer) with your shadows & demons, to things like mindful (Epicurean) hedonism and tantric philosophy…
This is about figuring out what actually helps – and what just keeps you stuck.
I promise it’ll be an interesting journey!
Start Here
If you feel stuck, stick around – I have a lot of thoughts 😜
Pick a starting point. Don’t stay stuck.
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“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeahhh. Mostly planning to not lose my shit as warmer weather approaches & life gets busy. 🤪 I gotta figure out a tea party for April, & then BooBoo’s birthday is at the beginning of May (she wants to invite her cute gymnastics coach, which I’m almost not opposed to LOL). And we’re late on bowling.
self (body & mind) : Well, the household got a second (though less intense) round of sickness, so…that sucked. Still working on getting back into my diet & exercise routines. Had my annual PCP visit, & she commended me on my 20lb weight loss since last year, so that’s cool hehe. My mind’s been a bit chaotic, but… I’m trying. I realized the other day that I’ve been confusing the word nihilism with hedonism (I knew nihilism wasn’t the right word, I just couldn’t think of the right one lol), so now I’m doing some research & formulating a possible future blog post lol – that might be fun 😆
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re both sick of being sick. We’ve been enjoying Panera dates lately hehe 😋 Green Goddess salad & pomegranate hibiscus tea are personal faves right now!
No serious injuries…yet
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. I actually am taking BooBoo out alone for a mini date today, to get her hair trimmed & I think she wants to go to Five Below & then get a Happy Meal. We’ll see lol. These kids are obsessed with Roblox (I would be too if I were their age lol) & roller skating around the house. We’ve been having fun playing with dolls & makeup – I taught them how to put lipstick kisses on paper hehe. Oh, BooBoo’s got glasses now; she says they make her smart lol 😊
She’s adorable & she knows it
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s starting to get better with writing & letter recognition, & she can even “sight read” some words, which is great! BooBoo hates reading for no apparent reason, but her reading comprehension is definitely improving!
zenBLITZ : I’ve gotten SO behind on my posts, UGH! I haven’t had the time or energy to create much of anything lately, to be honest. Blargh. I’ll get back ahead of things pretty soon here. I hope.
(step) gramma : Chiquita Banana’s doing great! She’s such a happy, inquisitive little booger – it’s always a pleasure to see babies evolve, especially when you’re not seeing it all day every day because it’s easier to acknowledge from some perspective. She’s got 2 teeth now, she stands beautifully with minimal assistance, and she still loves the gingerbread man toy I got for her lol. She gets elated to see her Aunties BooBoo & Bubby, and they both love playing with her & feeding her. Too cute.
Currently
eating – Blueberry yogurt, at the moment lol. It’s officially salad season, now that it’s spring – so I think mushroom salad is in the plan for the week (pan fried mushrooms with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette)
drinking – Lotsa lime water. I quit drinking coffee & wine when I was sick, so now when I do drink them, they actually do their jobs LOL (kinda)
watching – Doom Patrol. Masked Singer. Suddenly Amish. I dunno…I can’t hardly pay attention to TV (so movies are definitely not my thing) – I always find myself too tired to be able to focus on shows. OH! The Scrubs reboot has really been rocking my socks though!! 🤩
reading – When You Read This by Mary Adkins – very interesting format, kind of enjoyable story so far
playing – The Sims Freeplay, mostly. I don’t know why I get so sucked in to this game, but it’s been an obsession on & off for like 15 years lol
buying – Too much, apparently. Well…I’ve behaved fairly well. Hubby, on the other hand, insisted we get a full size bounce house – he’s always wanted one, & we can afford to get it so…fuck it lol. He’s also trying to buy back “the Roger Rabbit car” he tried to buy when we were first together, but his friend ended up buying it (it’s a Bugatti-style golf cart that was actually used in the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”) Funny.
listening to – The Interrupters, at the moment
celebrating – SPRING! I can’t wait to be able to open & doors & windows & get some fresh air in the house, OMFG
zen BLITZ 