Before Diet and Exercise: Start Here

blitz

Why preventive care, self-advocacy, and paying attention to your body matter more than you may think.

Let’s jump into the first part of my “BMHS” framework – body.

But before we discuss diet.

Before we discuss movement.

We need to talk about something far less exciting – and much more important.

Start With Prevention

If you can, check in with your primary care provider at least once a year.

Yes, I know – our healthcare system, every aspect of it, is fucked. It’s been that way for a very long time, & will continue to be for the foreseeable future.

That’s why it’s super important to be your own “patient advocate”, or have someone you trust help you handle that responsibility.

I did that with my father for twelve years – he was always pretty disillusioned by modern healthcare, couldn’t understand some of his diagnoses & medications, and he couldn’t hear worth a shit.

I’ve been advocating with my husband for most of the time we’ve been together, because his memory gets a bit finicky due to his TBI.

As annoying as it can be, it’s important to keep up with regular testing (bloodwork etc) & check in with your PCP at least annually to help prevent minor problems from escalating into major ones.

Keep copies of bloodwork, imaging, diagnoses, medications, allergies, surgeries, and specialist information whenever possible.

Which becomes even more important when your health isn’t something you can simply “fix” and move on from…

When It Doesn’t Just Go Away

Regular visits & record keeping are especially important if you have any sort of chronic conditions.

One example would be chronic illnesses – heart disease, diabetes, COPD, kidney disease, MS, and so on.

Another example would be chronic pain – arthritis, fibromyalgia, migraines, endometriosis, IBS, neuralgia, neuropathy, and so on.

Tracking your symptoms, how long they last, what treatments help (or don’t), and when you’ve seen your doctors can make a huge difference over time.

My Back Sucks

I was told when I was about 7 years old that there’s misalignment at the base of my spine, & there was nothing that could be done about it. So I kind of just accepted & ignored it until more recently.

I never considered it “chronic pain” until my husband pointed out how often I silently complain about it.

I think I learned to interpret pain as discomfort unless it’s excruciating.

For example – because of my back, the epidural I had with my younger daughter didn’t work right, & I went from “fine” to “screaming bloody fucking murder” in a matter of seconds.

So I finally started taking it more seriously. My current PCP ordered Xrays, & pointed out that there’s “nothing” going on in the middle of my back (but oh yes there is), & there’s “mild anterior listhesis & degeneration” at the base of my spine. When she finally physically examined the middle of my back, she was like “oh…um…” Yeah.

So now I’m in PT, & I’ll likely need an MRI to get an answer better than “oh…um…”

But…

For years I assumed my pain was simply something I had to tolerate. It wasn’t until I started taking it seriously that anyone else could take it seriously too.

If you don’t advocate for yourself, who will?

The First Step

Make sure you’re up to date with your healthcare, as much as possible.

Taking care of your body isn’t just about building strength. Sometimes it’s about making the phone call you’ve been putting off for three (or fifteen) years.

Respect your body enough to pay attention to it.

I know our healthcare system is failing the overwhelming majority of us, but we have a responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can.

Before you scroll away…

Ask yourself one question:

What have I been putting off because “it’s probably nothing”?

Then make one phone call.

Schedule one appointment.

Refill one prescription.

Request one copy of your records.

Your future self will thank you.

While you’re at it… 😂

Next up in the BMHS series : developing a diet that doesn’t suck.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Where I’m at #23

Where I'm At

Life is still beautiful chaos, by design 💚

“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : More summer fun in the plans – that’s my main focus right now!
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Getting back into my workout routine, gently & including at home PT exercises. Man, PT is really fucking kicking my ass – not sure yet if it’s helping all that much, but I guess it can’t make things any worse, eh?! 😆 Funny enough… every time I get out of PT, I’m pissed, in immense pain, & white knuckling everything in the car. So, I started sitting in the back of a nearby parking lot so I can smoke a ciggy, breathe through it, & blast some music. And literally every time, “Bales of Cocaine” by Reverend Horton Heat comes on the radio & makes me lol ☺
marriage : Doing good! Went to his high school reunion last weekend, & it was actually quite a blast once I had a few beers & loosened up (I pretty literally never drink, so I was rockin’! 😅) It was a much needed reminder of who the fuck we are, & why we fell in love. 💜💚

mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good – no major injuries to report, that I can think of. Booboo’s quite the social butterfly, & I really need to find her a friend she can hang out with once in a while, but parents are fucking weird, man. I mean, we’re weird, but at least we’re friendly 😂 Bubby’s got quite the personality, I tell ya…lol

homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s much more relaxed over the summer, but we keep at it. Bubby shocked the shit out of herself when she realized she could figure out how to read number words, which was absolutely amazing to witness omg 🩷 Booboo’s been doing most of her work herself, which is absolutely awesome 💙 And both girls are still enjoying gymnastics – Bubby’s quite the perfectionist & she’s doing really well in class hehe

zenBLITZ : I’ve been so damn distracted by chaos… Not disappearing though! Just breathing!! 😉💚
homemaker : All’s well. I noticed I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about leaving all the yardwork for hubby, but then I realized how busy we’ve been. Plus I’m really struggling with my back & PT, so…no sense in senseless guilt – I’ll do what I can, when I can.
(step) gramma : Haven’t really seen Chiquita Banana much the past month – she was over last week for a little bit, but I let my sister in law soak up the “babyness” since she doesn’t get the chance to very often.

Currently

eating – mindfully

drinking – Strawberry Lemonade Monster energy drinks are fucking delicious! 😋

watching – Nothing much. The Traitors. Buncha shows came back on Hulu. Cancelling Max & Peacock next month – Max is good but we want to switch it up a bit, & Peacock mostly sucks ass heh. Gonna try Paramount.

reading – Still working on The Night Circus, but almost done – it’s been a lovely little adventure hehe

playing – Nothing, really. A lil Coin Master at night, but that’s it

buying – Stupid shit on Temu, but I’m calming down with that (I swear!!!)

listening to – The Foxboro Hot Tubs, at the moment

celebrating – Chiquita Banana’s bday!! 🎈

pinning – self care, pagan zen, free spirit, pretty & print, journaling

planning – County Fair is coming up!!

feeling – Optimistic… hopeful? 😜💚

A No-Bullshit Guide to Graceful Self-Kintsugi

zen

Growth isn’t a destination. It’s a practice.

I wanted to write a post for me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, but I couldn’t really think of anything new to write. So here are some older posts, in case you missed ‘em :

Marriage, Music, and Mayhem: 6 Years with My Wild Older Husband

Tantra and Long-Term Love: The Truth About Keeping The Magic Alive

That said…

I got behind on my posts for the first time in almost 2 years – I’ve never skipped a week, til now!!

It’s been a loooooong week. Weeks? While. Busy taking advantage of summer weather, & tending to some emotional chaos within the household. Which thrust me into a bit of my own chaos.

No better opportunity to show how I practice what I preach, so to speak, and to lean back into the series I’m working through…! (The last post in the series was “Choosing a Different Path”, if you need a refresher).

When Life Gets Messy

When life gets chaotic, people often either give up completely or try to overhaul their entire lives.

That’s why there are so many YouTube videos & blog posts touting “How to reinvent yourself in 30 days” or “Become your best self – here’s how!”

Most of us have tried it.

And most of us have watched it fall apart after a week or two.

Instead, we need something small enough to do on even our worst days.

Minimum Viable Self Respect

Back when I was a grieving teenager, I started studying stress management. I knew I needed a simple way to come back to myself whenever life got messy. And over the years, this gradually became a framework I still use today.

It’s also the framework I return to whenever I’m overwhelmed – which made it especially fitting this past week (or so).

The point isn’t to add another impossible checklist to your life.

The point is to make caring for yourself so approachable that you can still do it when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Because it’s a matter of respecting yourself – your whole self – in good times & rough ones.

Worthwhile challenges are awesome – they keep life interesting!

But times of chaos aren’t asking you to make things more difficult.

Practice Beats Attempted Perfection

Fuck self-actualization. And individuation. Nirvana, enlightenment, and all that bullshit.

We treat them like finish lines – the idea that one day you’ll finally “arrive.”

Perfection is nothing more than an idea. Not a state of existence.

There is no finish line.

Growth isn’t something you arrive at. Neither is healing.

These are things you practice.

Practice creates space for transformation.

That kind of growth is quiet. Slow.

A matter of choosing the next respectful action. Again. And again. And again…

And that transformation becomes resilience, discipline….character.

The BMHS Framework

Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I ask myself four questions :

Am I taking care of my body?
Mind?
Heart?
Soul?

To me, this is a bit of a hierarchy, with “body” being the most important & the first to focus on. All of these are essential to our existence, but some more so than others.

Body – physical needs (food, movement, rest)
Mind – inputs (what you’re reading, watching, listening to)
Heart – connections, relationships
Soul – outputs (expression, creativity, meaning)

I start with the body because it’s hard to think clearly, connect deeply, or create anything meaningful when I’m exhausted, starving, or running on empty.

Putting It Into Practice

Spend a week focusing on one area.

Or a month.

Or whatever your life allows.

No gold stars. No pressure. No failing.

Just practice.

That’s it.

Your character is defined by how your return to yourself, your values, & the ones you love.

A wonderful reminder that I found on Pinterest :

“Uncommon advice : If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. Then the right path will reveal itself.”

Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore each part of the framework – Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul – with practical ideas you can adapt to your own life.

In the meantime, ask yourself one simple question:

What’s one small act of self-respect I can practice today?

If this helped, share it with someone who’s white-knuckling their way through a hard season right now. And subscribe if you’re new – I’ve got more from this series coming!

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

The People Who Shape Us Never Truly Leave

zen

On heartbreak, lemons, and the people who leave fingerprints on who you become.

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi

Why I’m Writing This

I know I mention him occasionally, but I haven’t written a post about the “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore” in a while. And he’s been on my mind a bit lately so I figured fuck it, eh?

(Yes I’m procrastinating on the series I’ve been working through, how did you know?!? 😆)

The Gas Station

For those who haven’t picked up on any backstory, here’s a bit of it…

He came into the gas station I worked at one day, & we instantly connected. It wasn’t just a physical attraction… It felt like we’d known each other for decades instead of moments. Like, bizarre, but beautiful.

On & off for a few years, we grew really close. Like, best friends who kinda wanted to make out but never had a proper opportunity to. We’d vent to each other, hug for longer than friends “should”, and support each other emotionally as much as we possibly could. We both valued each other’s perspectives & opinions, and each other’s company.

But he was, in his own words, “moody”. He also, in his own words, had the tendency to distance himself when he wasn’t feeling quite right (who doesn’t, eh?) And so one day we got into an argument that I still don’t understand, and he stopped talking to me. Inevitably, I’m quite sure I said something stupid or unclear which freaked him out, which freaked me out, which perpetuated the freaking out until he walked away. Cuz…humans. I’ll probably never know why he wasn’t willing to work it out once our emotions cooled & we’d gotten some perspective on the whole thing, which sucks beyond words. But it is what it is. We both carried on with our lives just fine.

No Villains Here

He broke my heart. Worse than anyone ever has. But he’s certainly not the villain of the story. Neither of us are.

The good far outweighed the bad (in my eyes at least). Which certainly doesn’t make either of us a hero either. Just uniquely beautiful humans.

We were both dealing with a lot in our own personal lives back then – neither of us were in the best mindset.

The timing just wasn’t right, I suppose.

Side note : I’m really struggling with this post, to be honest… The magnitude of our friendship can’t really be put into words. Nor the heartbreak I felt. I’m trying though, without getting too poetic about it 😅

The Receipts of Loving Him

This isn’t really just a post about some super awesome dude who I’m grateful to have loved – It’s to prove the case that you can always gain something, even when you lose something.

There was a lot of love there. A LOT. Mutual respect, trust, adoration…you name it. He meant a lot to me. And he still does. In a lot of ways, he helped shape the woman I grew into since knowing him.

I learned a lot from him. Here’s just a few notable ideas…

Grief is cyclical. I know this because of my mom, but because of him too. I’ll forget about his existence for a period of time, & then he suddenly pops into my mind. The trail never completely grows over, but I learn a little more every time I choose walk it.

Be yourself, fuck all. He carried himself & spoke with such confidence & often flawless articulation, and I admired the shit out of that at the time – I was in my 20’s & absolutely riddled with anxiety despite my extremely social career choice. I don’t think he felt that way about himself, but it inspired the fuck out of me.

Growth never ends. He challenged my perspectives at times, & always pushed me gently to be a little better. I’ve always been one to welcome a worthwhile challenge.

You never know who you’ll connect with if you stay open to the possibilities. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, especially in the jobs I’ve had, and I’ve gotten to know & love a little bit of a lot of them. But I always kept them at some distance, because of my “shadows”. He did too. But when life was throwing lemons in his face, he turned to me, and I was happy to try to help him make some lemonade.

Resilience. Bushels of lemons got thrown at him in pretty quick succession, & he was really having a hard time with it. It’s exhausting; I know. He rode the waves with as much grace as anyone possibly could, & I admired the shit out of that. He never gave up, never gave in, never fully lost himself in the process. And neither will I.

When you believe in someone, they can accomplish beautiful things. I felt like he believed that I was more capable than I felt I was with a lot of things…which helped me learn how to believe in myself. And that led me to accomplish some of the more important things in my life, such as working in the ER.

Money ain’t shit – It’s never worth it to work a job you hate. He hated his job. He worked in law enforcement, so I don’t blame him. He said he got into it “because he knew he could”; I thought “I could’ve been a prostitute, but that doesn’t mean I should.” 😆 Money flows like water – here one day & gone the next, back again a year later. Such is life. It’s not worth it to waste your precious time on this planet loathing everything for 40 hours a week – don’t do things that suck the vitality straight outta your soul.

And love. I honestly felt like he was my second ”true love” in life, & my first one as an adult. Even though we never dated. So here’s some things I learned on that note, in no particular order…

There can be a tremendously enriching essence of genuine love in every dynamic of relationship, if you live passionately and with curiosity.
When you love someone, you don’t turn your back on them, especially if things are rough, & even if you’re hurt. I’d told him more than once that I’ll always be here, & as long as I’m on the right side of the dirt, I always will.
Love requires sight of & acceptance of both the light & dark in another. No reason to hide – those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
Once you truly love someone, you never fully stop loving them. Ever. Is that a foolish perspective? I don’t think so. When I grow to truly love someone, there are reasons. Good fucking reasons. Short of abuse, there’s no reason for those reasons to become invalid.
If an overthinker says they love you, believe them – they’ve thought of every reason not to. Amen.

Love Changes Shape

The people we love, friends or family or some inspiring stranger with a guitar, can become part of our inner landscape. Even when they’re gone, their influence doesn’t disappear – it changes form. It becomes a part of the way we think, create, encourage others, and navigate our own lives.

All that I gained from knowing him while I did passes on through how I interact with & support the other people in my life. That friendship wasn’t for nothing – in a lot of ways, it saved me.

“even grief has honey in its mouth … have I loved it completely while it was here? … worship the miracle that it happened at all” – Christopher Sexton

I’ll challenge you with how he challenged me (because it’s definitely worthwhile) : take care of yourself, help others, live well, & stay weird. 🖤🪷

Some people aren’t meant to stay forever.

Maybe they’re meant to become part of the foundation you build the rest of your life on.

If you’ve ever had someone who changed you long after they left, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

What gift did they leave behind?

I’m not kidding, drop them in the comments. I read every one.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Where I’m at #22

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life...

I’m tired.

So, I had to ask myself – What’s making me so tired?

And then I realized…

The million mini mountains I try to climb on a daily basis – of inspiration, affection, adventures, education, & so on. It’s exhausting.

But it’s fulfilling. It’s resilience. Adaptability. Agency.

It’s a matter of indulging in life, instead of watching it happen.

“Memento Vivere”, because “Memento Mori” – I’ve personally had enough reminders to take it to heart. 💚

Maybe I just need regularly scheduled siestas… 😉

planner : Hmm…planning? Still doing our little adventures. Nothing too crazy planned for July… It’ll be me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, so we might have a steampunk party – I don’t feel like doing one, but we probably should, heh. I hate hosting parties cuz my anxiety goes haywire, but they’re not for me, they’re for his family to have a reason to get together, so…shuddup, anxiety! I don’t think I’m really planning much else in particular, so we’ll see where the summer takes us 🫠
self (body & mind) : Eggggggh. I finally got some answers about my back – I have “degeneration & misalignment on L5 into SI”, so basically the base of my spine is a fucker. And I’ve been feeling some excruciating pain in that exact spot for over a decade now. Weird thing is, the middle of my spine feels fucked up, but nothing shows on x-rays. So, I started PT. I was very thorough with him about where my spinal issues are, and when he ran his fingers down the middle of my back, he could very obviously tell something isn’t right – “it, like, juts out, and then the rest curves way in”. Yup. People think I have an ass- HA! I’ve been fooling you all these years, accentuating my horrifically fucked up spine with appropriately worn clothing LOL. Bwah ha ha! So, I started PT, and it’s painful as all fuckin’ hell, & he even said he honestly doesn’t think there’s anything he can do for me. I still enjoy chatting with him though, & getting into an actual gym, & learning a few things. So there’s that. I’ve been contrarian as fuck about my workouts lately, even simple shit like tai chi – I just refuse. I’ll get back into the groove soon though. I rolled my ankle & fell hard off my back steps at the very beginning of June, & it’s still not fully healed, but that’s not a valid excuse – I just don’t wanna. 🤷 Working back up to being mindful & intentional about my physical state, I suppose. Mentally, I’m doing alright. Feeling kinda bleh lately; “exhausted” would probably be a more appropriate word (and if you’ve read my “Day in the Life” post, you can see why). But, s’all good.
marriage : We actually went on a date!!!!! I literally don’t remember the last time we went out on an actual date. It was just to see a (really quite terrible) improv show, but it was cool cuz it was right by the river we’d gone to on one of our very first dates. We had more fun wandering around by the river than we did during the actual show lol, even though hubby won a gift certificate to a local restaurant.

mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. They had their end of season gymnastics showcase, which was super cute. Injuries? Only notable one was when Booboo crashed her go kart into the skoolie – good thing she was wearing a seatbelt & a helmet (& she got an impromptu homeschool lesson in velocity & traction that day heh). No real injuries though. I’ve been taking them on dates individually once a month, to get one on one time – took Booboo bowling & took Bubby to an arcade.

I think she just loves throwing things 😂

homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Officially finished the school year. I was panicking when I had to turn in the annual assessment for Booboo, but it really wasn’t that serious lol. Well, until I went to turn it in – the drop box was blocked off by construction, & when I called they at first didn’t know what to tell me, so I ended up submitting it in the mail. Hopefully they got it lol. So, we’ve officially started 2nd grade & Kindergarten (since we do school throughout the summer), & it’s going beautifully! Bubby surprises me more every day!!!
zenBLITZ : I’ve been slacking a little, not gonna lie. I just haven’t been able to find the time or energy for my posts (I’m even behind on this one!) I created a landing page for my brand, with more links in progress when applicable – I like the simplicity of it. I’m working on a business card zine too – hopefully I can make it look as nifty as it is in my head lol, and I plan on doing a bit of “guerrilla marketing” with it. Worked on some “print on demand” designs, but haven’t started with Redbubble yet (mostly just playing with designs right now, in other words). Made a couple of cool leather bracelets which I’ve been wearing a lot, started a really cool looking traveler’s notebook (but then hubby over-conditioned it & now it needs to dry out enough to hold paper lol UGH!), & started a leather wallet but I’m finding that I’m appalled by 2-3oz leather, so we’ll see how it goes (an experiment if nothing else!)
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Fuck it. Fuck it all. 🤣 (It’s fine; nothing to report.)
(step) gramma : Good. Only got to babysit once or twice, but she’s good! 🥰

Currently

eating – Cup Noodles are my love language 😆

drinking – water, coffee

watching – Nothing really. I don’t have the attention span for anything, tbh

reading – I gave my copy of “The Night Circus” to a girl who drove over an hour to pick up something I was selling on Marketplace because she runs a circus side project 😂 So I’m awaiting my eBay order of another copy lol

playing – Nothing, really

buying – Well, hubby got his Roger Rabbit Bugatti golf cart, so he’s been spending some money on converting it from gas to electric. I’ve behaved, for the most part heh

listening to – Social Distortion. I don’t know why – I used to be bored by Social Distortion, but they’ve grown on me recently

celebrating – 7 years of marriage, & 9 years together!

pinning – pretty background pics, antique journals, drawing technicalities, self care quotes, & zines

planning – adventures

feeling – Meh. Not bad. Just tired.

All that said, I’m still behind on my posts, so we’ll see what happens – I may continue the series I’ve been working through, I may rant about any of the other things on my mind, I may just take a week off to let my brain simmer down from this 90*+ weather. Whatever happens, love you all 😉 See ya soon!

Stay real, live vibrantly, & rock the fuck on! 🤘💚💜🖤

Don’t forget to stop & watch the sun set once in a while… 💚

Day in the Life

Where I'm At

Taking a little break from our series…..

By request from a WordPress friend (& because I’m secretly a little behind on my normal posts, shh!), here’s a day in my life – it’s probably gonna be more like interstitial journaling with extreme commentary. Hopefully it’ll be a least a little entertaining, lol! I tried to pick as normal of a day as possible… so I probably should’ve picked yesterday cuz now I’ve got a couple things thrown at us to work around. But that’s ok, so long as nobody in this house’s moods go too far sideways 😆

Anyways… Buckle up, it’s gonna be a long one!!! 🤣

Friday, June 19 2026

Woke up at 7:30. Said “fuck no, can’t make me” & fell back to sleep.
Woke up at 8:15 with an Interrupters song stuck in my head. Not even sure which one. Went downstairs & said good morning to the cat (she gets lonely when I don’t pass out on the couch all night.) Looked at my phone while my brain came online – saw a slightly interesting article on Reddit written before Green Day’s 21st Century Breakdown came out (one of my favorite Green Day albums), and checked in on a debate in a local Facebook group about a confusing intersection cuz apparently I need something to get pissed off about first thing in the morning 😆…

Does it look like the left lane ends? I think the fuck not.

Got my lime water, opened the curtains & windows, & set myself up in my office – laptop on & background lo-fi on TV; Capacities & Notion. Started writing this thing 😉. Started my morning routine…
- One reminder from yesterday : “Meaning is hiding inside ordinary moments that receive extraordinary attention.”
- Last year : “I’ll Stand By You”
Went through my “inbox” of random tasks that came up throughout yesterday & organized all the shit I gotta do today, including homeschool plans & tidying up the homeschool cart – Realized I gotta file away their portfolios cuz we’ve technically started next year’s work.
Read today’s passage in The Daily Stoic & it’s accompanying journal :
- Focus on one foot in front of the other, especially when the big picture is too big
  - How can I better keep myself in the present moment? Mindfulness reminders – look around & take it in.
Read for a few minutes in “The Night Circus” by Erin Morgenstern : “People don’t pay much attention to anything unless you give them reason to.” I’m probably about halfway through this book, & I’m really enjoying the mystical journey it’s taken. It’s quite lovely hehe.
I hear a woodpecker, so I’m distracted by looking out the office window. I’m eternally grateful for all the nature outside my house – I only live on about an acre, but it’s very private & full of fauna. On any given day, I’m visited by chipmunks, that damned red squirrel, a family of bunnies (most who have been named by Bubby “Cupcake”, “Mini Cooper”, “Poindexter”), a mom & baby deer, chipmunks, a groundhog, and so on. Right now all I see through the sunshine shimmering through the trees is a 5 foot bouncey ball & Hubby’s new Roger Rabbit “Bugatti” golf cart (more on that another time). And scaffolding & ladders & shit cuz hubby & his friend have been working on the house (since I’ve been gently & graciously nagging him for almost 10 fucking years!)
Wrote in my journal for a bit. Just a moment about what the ~~plans~~ ideas are for the day, and then some reflection on essentialism…cuz I tend to romanticize the idea of essentialism, and then overcomplicate anything I possibly can.
Read a passage in a book I just got, “Awaken Every Day : 365 Buddhist Reflections” by Thubten Chodron. “Our actions leave ‘seeds’ on our mindstream, invisible potentials that can bring results in terms of what we experience in this & future lives – our habitual thoughts & behaviors and the environment & circumstances of our life.” Not too sure how deeply I agree with reincarnation, but interesting to ponder regardless.
Set up my workout plan for the day – I use a Notion database to rotate through the zillion videos I’ve saved over the past couple years so I don’t get too bored. Smoked half a Camel 99 (yeah, shuddup), tidied the house & little, & got to it.
- Not trying to justify a shitty habit, just saying – I found that I appreciate the hedonism of a good cigarette as much as the excuse to get outside & enjoy some nature without tiny humans screaming & running around. Otherwise I’d probably never even see the groundhog (or that bastard squirrel!)
- Took some pictures while I was out there…

Mulberries on my mom’s 30+ year old, 30+ft mulberry bush

Bet your ass I ate that cherry before the birds got it!!!

So… 20 minute full body workout with 3 lb weights (during which my entire skeleton snapped crackled & popped), 15 minute arm workout with 5 lb weights (I’ve been cursed with bingo wings), 5 minutes yoga (just about threw my neck out), 5 minutes Qi gong (never tried this one before, never gonna again LOL – my scoliosis can’t handle it!), & 5 minutes meditation (super unproductive). Then I pulled a card from my new “Buddha Wisdom” oracle deck : “Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.” Ain’t that the truth. 💚
Got myself some cherries, milk, & Allegra. Posted my “quote of the day” on Facebook, Bluesky, & Substack, and watched a YouTube video in my endless “Watch Later” list – today’s video happened to be
NotebookLM Will Change How You Learn – Here’s Why!. I didn’t have time to finish it, but I’ve played around with NLM a bit, & it can be super useful (especially for product manuals!!!)
Checked in with ChatGPT cuz we’re doing a reflection experiment to see if it can help me …keep my head out of my ass? I have it ask me a set of questions twice a day, & help me work through anything it deems worth noting. It’s been surprisingly useful so far 😁
- “Earlier in your blogging journey, a lot of your questions were:
  - What should I write?
  - How do I grow?
  - What should my brand be?
  Lately the questions feel more like:
  - What am I noticing?
  - What am I learning?
  - How do I express this clearly?
  That’s a sign of something maturing.” Agreed. 😆
Got myself tidied up for the day. We’re not going anywhere, so I’m not about to go all “curls & contacts” today 😆

And that’s my ridiculous but fulfilling morning routine. It’s what keeps me from getting murderous halfway through the day. Usually.
Went out for another half a smoke. There was a giant stormy cloud above the house, but blue skies all around. Usually, it’s the opposite – we’re in a bubble of good weather. During the winter, outside of about a mile radius of my house, they’ll be getting Lake Effect snow. Here? Fluffy sparkles. I guess my hearthcraft works 😉 While I was out there, I saw “Alvin”, the baby chipmunk – he likes playing with the baby bunnies hehe. (Thought to myself the other day – “I’m like fuckin’ Snow White with a tan & a cigarette!” 😅)
Onto the “focus time” of my day. Normally I put on some tunes, but I’m trying to get through some other bloated YouTube playlists, so I’m playing some “Witchy” videos in the background (that’s about as much witchcraft as I practice these days!) Friday’s “focus time” is reserved for a review of my “interstitial journaling” notes from the past week, to see if there’s anything worth noting. FUCK! I forgot my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over soon. I was really hoping hubby would be up in time. Shittles! ….. I went through it pretty quickly so there wasn’t a whole lot of discernment, but this is where a lot of my blog post ideas, personal journaling prompts, etc come from (feel free to skip if it’s overwhelming, which I’m sure it is lol) :
- Still on about the Facebook group post about the stupid lane merge thing (this was from Sunday LOL)
  - Gemini basically says I’m right, but also that insurance companies would deem an accident 50/50 liability basically because people shouldn’t drive like assholes lol
- “Magic is found in all the little moments. A campfire is still fire.”
- Things insist on my attention often because they feel the most alive.
- challenge, opportunities, subtraction
- Leatherworking = patience + restraint
- I am my own deity, my own religion, my own philosophy.
  - ✨I don’t worship myself, but no better outlook on spirituality, in my opinion.
    - It’s self confidence, self love, goddess energy, compassion, resilience, intelligence, an open mind, grace
- “Awaken Every Day” – “‘Three poisons’ : ignorance, attachment, & animosity” : Ignorance to reality causes attachment, & attachment causes animosity (repelling from the unpleasant)
  - Detachment from suffering
    - ✨…can be a slippery slope. You have to let yourself feel some suffering. Not only because it’s good for your character, & not only because emotions are a beautiful part of being human, & not only because repressed shit festers until it’s seething.
- ✨ How can I help people? What problems can I solve? Or maybe just help ease? What problems am I dealing with?
- “In these seemingly small moments, you’re teaching your children one of life’s most important lessons: how to respond when things don’t go as planned.” – Daily Dad
  - “The wise don’t fly off the handle. They don’t say the first thought that enters their mind. They pause. They reflect. They choose their response.”
  - “They inherit your responses.”
  - “emotions are to be felt, but not always acted upon”
- “the artist is the child who refused
  to stop believing in imaginary friends,
  so they grew up and became one…
  for every lonely soul who needed a mirror
  to say: me too.” – Chris Sexton
- “Daily Stoic” – “No shame in needing help”
  - Where do I need help? Who can I ask for it? (*This is definitely something I struggle with!)
- Report from PCP : “alignment & degenerative changes, L5 slightly onto S1”
  - ✨”Degenerative “ is a disconcerting word…
- Sage insight : “Connection doesn’t have to feel easy to be worthwhile.”
  - ✨Even if it’s inconvenient or anxiety inducing, it’s often worthwhile to connect anyway
- “Live so fully and intentionally that when death comes, it feels like a completion rather than an interruption.” – Darius Foroux, quoting Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche
  - “even death becomes part of their life, not just something that happens to them.”
  - “’The man consummating his life dies his death triumphantly, surrounded by men filled with hope and making solemn vows.’ Surrounded by men filled with hope. That image has stayed with me. He’s describing someone whose life inspired others to be better.”
    - ✨To live better
    - ✨I hope I inspire others to live better, & more fully, with my blog
  - “’In your death, your spirit and your virtue should still glow like a sunset glows around the earth'”
- Chris Sexton : “play is spiritual cardio.”
  - “your comfort zone got you on a leash
    and you keep calling it peace.”
  - “throw your heart at life
    like a wild florist.
    whatever blooms, blooms.
    whatever dies becomes fertilizer.”
- Awaken Every Day – Stop licking honey off a razorblade (re attachment)
  - ✨ I fucking love how edgy this quote is, lol. It’s true – the honey is sweet, but if you’re cutting your tongue the whole time, what’s the point?
    - So, is there any honey ultimately shredding my soul right now? I’d say my daydreaming, but I don’t think that’s entirely true.
- Some days, “better than nothing” is discipline enough ❤️
  - ✨ So long as it doesn’t consistently replace actual discipline
- Life is all about self discipline – parenting, marriage, everything
Reading that over made my brain hurt… 😵‍💫
Then I went back through my entries to capture all the daily highlights in a “Hobonichi Weeks”-style planner I keep for my husband – it’s colorful, includes pictures, & is exploding with memories by the end of the year. His birthday is right before New Year’s Eve, so it turns out to be an awesome birthday gift ☺
And just as I headed into the second part of my day, a thunderstorm rolled in. I love thunderstorms – they’re so exciting!! ⛈ A nice reminder that even mother nature lets shit build up & needs to let it rip sometimes 😉 Put all the stuff in my digital planner into my analog system thing that I have going on, and out of the office I went…
It fuckin HAILED!! Stood on the porch & watched buckets of rain & ice pelt the shit out of my car, peering at the blue sky in the distance LOL. Then I saw some poor bastard riding his bike 🤣 (I feel bad, but he should’ve seen it coming!) (My pics won’t load…)
Well, apparently my granddaughter isn’t coming today – my step daughter told hubby, but he was still in bed anyway LOL. At least I had a few extra minutes of peace & quiet to enjoy the thunder trailing off in the distance. It only lasted maybe 10 minutes, but it seemed like an apocalypse! I live in a very “don’t like the weather? wait 5 minutes!” climate. (Unless it’s Lake Effect snow season. Then maybe wait a couple days 😜)
Scratch that, it came back. Icy marbles everywhere. And blue skies all around.
All the monsters got up. Hubby’s still on about Nancy Guthrie; he made them omelettes while I got their milk, fruit, Zyrtec, vitamins, & hair brushes. Bubby put on Lucas the Spider, Lia counted her money. I made myself a salad with spinach, banana peppers, green olives, feta, quinoa, & leftover chicken meatloaf. 😋 Made some coffee. Went through my social media…nothing impressive 😆
The kids swam in their plushie cave while I put laundry away. Checked the mail & threw some sycamore branches out of the driveway.
Hubby went to clean in the garage for our party tomorrow (God help us if it rains, omfg). I did school with the girls…and half their plushies. Booboo worked on a painting project for Father’s Day while I helped Bubby. So help me God, if I hear “67” one more time… Bubby’s doing kindergarten, so she worked on counting to 20, vowel sounds, & writing the letter “R”. Then they switched. Bubby did some painting while I worked with Booboo, who’s technically in second grade now but we’re still finishing up some 1st grade work 🤫 – she worked on spelling “-et” words, “one”, & “the”; then read a poem & a short story. Nothing will test patience better than homeschooling children. I am absolutely certain of this. Booboo got frustrated during reading & barked so loud in my ear I could’ve thrown her clear across the room. I didn’t. But I could’ve. Break time 😅 Bubby finished her paintings & played (educational stuff) on my tablet. Booboo likes “Adventure” & “Dreams” by Bensound, apparently (so do I hehe). Back to school – she had to read her typed scene description to me so I could draw it & see if she described it well, addition & subtraction.

This is what homeschool looks like for us ☺

Ran & hid for a few minutes while the girls worked on their Father’s Day cards lol. I love this time of day cuz I put prisms in the sunniest window of the house & so the living room fills with little rainbows ☺️😍

Got the girls’ allowances. I give them $1 each for every year on the planet, then divide it into 4 – “rent” (savings lol), “gifts” (for other people), “donate” (Booboo was elated to donate $100 to our local Children’s Hospital ☺️), & “spend” (so they don’t ask me for shit when we’re out lol!)
Picked mulberries with Booboo. She named a couple of bunnies “Cherry” & “Pineapple” ☺️ Then she chased a chipmunk because hubby’s mad at the chipmunks for making a home under the hood of the skoolie
Hubby asked the girls if they wanted to go in the hot tub. Booboo had a fit because Bubby brought her her clogs. (Can’t wait til they’re teenagers – Pray for us!! 😅)
Made out a check for hubby’s 46th highschool reunion. Yes, 46th. They buried a time capsule back then & are opening it at the reunion 😛
Printed some worksheets for school.
They went in the hot tub. I started dinner early cuz I wanted to make rainbow pasta salad for the tie dye party ☺️ If anyone’s curious, this is the “recipe” I used for the rainbow pasta. Then I got sidetracked for about 15 minutes cuz hubby needed me to watch the girls. For dinner, I made pesto shrimp fettuccine 😋 Usually I make a salad with dinner, but my back was fucked by the time I finished the other shit. Did dishes in the meantime.
Started laundry. Took Allegra. Ate & watched Expedition Files. Checked in with a couple people about the party tomorrow.

Finished the pasta salad. Put leftovers away. Did more dishes – realized I was clenching my teeth cuz my back hurt so bad, so took some Motrin 😬 I hate taking Motrin – I’ve never had a problem with it, & I’d like to keep it that way. Usually I’d sneak in some leatherworking or digital designs, but I just can’t even tonight. 😴
Hit the bowl once (it helped my back immensely!), yelled at the red squirrel in the garage, brushed my teeth & took a shower. Listened to Rockabilly Radio on Pandora – it plays everything from Reverend Horton Heat to Stray Cats to “Louie Louie” by The Kingsmen. I grew up listening to 50’s music when I was a kid (& disco LOL, & Nat King Cole).
Went in my office for a few minutes to write in my journal. The children decided to join me with their notebooks & it was adorable as hell 🥰 We listened to lo fi & passed notes to each other. ❤️

Got some trail mix & sat on the couch with hubby to watch Black Mirror. He made ice for tomorrow. I like this show, cuz it’s like a modern Twilight Zone, but I can’t usually focus on anything by the end of the day.
Finished my evening routine… Updated my digital planner, read most of an interesting Amy Landino article, checked Facebook for memes, played Coin Master with Bubby, & pigged out on Harvest Snaps. Bubby requested a pickle. Then Booboo requested a pickle. Wegmans pickles are pretty decent. 😆
Laid down on the couch. Hubby rubbed my feet while he watched Virgin River – he’s such a sweetie 🥰 Read a couple more articles. Went crosseyed. Passed the fuck out. 😴

And there ya have it. Hope your brain didn’t melt 😉

Til next week – Stay real, stay loud, & rock the fuck on!! 💚

Shadow Work for Skeptics

zen

Because your demons don’t knock – and they’re not going away.

As excited as I was to write this post…I had a hell of a time with it.

Not because it’s emotionally heavy or because I’ve studied Jung – but because my take on it differs a bit from the standard one…

The Stuff We Keep Stuffing Into the Basement

Typically, the shadows & demons are the “unacceptable” aspects of your psyche that you bury to be able to carry on in a socially acceptable manner throughout your life – your rage, your fear, your sadness…

Things you were conditioned early on to hide from the world through your upbringing, your culture, religion, gender roles…

Things that tend to pop out in other unpleasant ways – sarcasm, harsh judgment of others, controlling behavior…

And, while I do agree with that sentiment, I think it goes far beyond that.

They can hide beneath many of the struggles I’ve been writing about these past few weeks – grief, anxiety, trauma, restlessness, addictions, daydreaming – and more.

They’re the thoughts, emotions, wounds, and patterns that refuse to stay buried.

The things we try not to feel, acknowledge, or understand.

The things that keep returning until we pay attention.

Though, the shadow isn’t always dark.

Sometimes it’s creativity that was mocked. Vulnerability that wasn’t safe. Assertiveness that was labeled selfish. Joy that felt irresponsible.

Sometimes the things we bury aren’t ugly at all.

The Mirror You Don’t Recognize

They can manifest in a variety of ways, and for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes for no obvious reason.

Something might trigger you. Someone’s judgment of you might hit harder than expected. You notice yourself chasing your tail. Nightmares. Fantasies.

They can be like an unrecognizable mirror – your past bleeding into the present.

Or they can just be an ominous feeling that you can’t shake.

For me (yup, getting really real here)…

It’s often a crushing feeling that I’m a hopelessly fucked up failure who disappoints everyone around me.

While I’m perfectly aware that these are “just” intrusive thoughts, fed by shitty, estranged family members who are in no position to judge… I can’t help but be afflicted by them occasionally.

Sometimes these shadows visit when I’m trying to fall asleep – all my perceived catastrophic failings as a caregiver, all my senseless guilt – sneak up & grab me by the throat.

Sometimes they visit my husband in his dreams, where innocent memories get distorted into horrific trauma. Which is, of course, incredibly disorienting.

Pull Up a Chair

This discontent is merely an invitation to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

“What you resist persists; what you accept transforms.” – Carl Jung

Demons will always pop out of the shadows – it’s wise to invite them to tea because they refuse to be turned away for long. They have their reasons.

They always retreat eventually anyway, but the purpose of sitting with them is to get to know them – what they are & why, what they need you to learn or know, & how to proceed when they go back into hiding.

They’re not shameful – everyone has their own, though many pretend they don’t & then chase their tails into purgatory.

They’re there to remind you, to humble you, to keep you compassionate & growing.

You don’t have to agree with them.

You don’t have to obey them.

But you might learn something by listening.

It’s a lifelong process of wholeness – enjoy the journey without the destination in mind.

“Make love to your darkness until it sighs in relief. You can’t heal what you won’t let howl.” – Christopher Sexton

The tea isn’t for them.

It’s for you.

Shadow work isn’t a one-time breakthrough. It’s a standing invitation – and the door’s always open.

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop running. And if you’re new here – subscribe. We go to uncomfortable places, and we bring snacks (and tea).

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)

zen

On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.

Or bored.

They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.

All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.

Let’s talk about coping.

The good, bad, & ugly.

Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)

Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.

But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.

People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.

They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.

There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :

doomscrolling
binge watching mindless bullshit
maladaptive daydreaming
constant stimulation
porn
alcohol
gaming
obsessive crushes
fantasy lives
shopping
productivity obsession

Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :

“functional” escapism
overworking
endless podcasts/videos
compulsive self-help
obsessive planning
internet rabbit holes

None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.

Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.

Everyone has a vice.

Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.

Fantasy as Survival

There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.

Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.

It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.

It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.

Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.

The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**

The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.

I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.

Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.

I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.

It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.

I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.

Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food

I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.

In reality, you can be addicted to anything.

My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”

Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.

Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.

But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.

Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..

Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.

Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.

Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You

Some coping mechanisms protect us.

Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.

The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.

The point is awareness.

Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.

What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Where I’m at #21

Where I'm At

*Birthday girl with Hubby’s new bounce house & 6ft bouncy ball* 😆

“Where I’m at” posts are just monthly updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : I’ve been loosely planning (& executing!) weekly adventures with the family since the weather has finally broke!! So far we’ve explored the local locks on the Erie Canal & paid a visit to Niagara Falls. Annual tie dye party next month, & I’m planning on making some rainbow pasta for an Italian pasta salad, so that’ll be fun hehe.
self : I’ve been pretty angry at my diet, so I’ve been rebelling a bit, not gonna lie. I haven’t completely abandoned it, but I’m definitely choosing not to be so strict about it because it’s just infuriating LOL. I finally got back to my fulllar exercise routine this past month, & I’ve been consistent with it (though also not so strict – I’ll substitute workouts if I feel the need to, but I’m still doing shit!) I’m trying to be a bit less irritable, but…that can be a struggle lol.
marriage : Always improving!

mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : BooBoo had a fun birthday – hubby blew up the bounce house & 6ft ball to celebrate, & we’ve been enjoying both as much as possible since (I think Bubby wants to move in to the bounce house LOL)! Both girls are getting too big – it’s kind of nauseating LOL 💚
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going pretty well. Bubby’s definitely had a mental growth spurt – suddenly, she’s showing minimal signs of dyslexia (I’m still keeping an eye out though 👀). Looking to “finish up” the school year this month – I gotta make myself a full year SOP / cheat sheet so I don’t stress myself out every fuckin’ year lol.
zenBLITZ : Happy with things around the blog – the series I’m working through right now is honestly a little tedious to write sometimes, but enjoyable at the same time lol whatever sense that makes… And I started getting back to leather working, & fucking shit up LOL (lots of learning curves with that craft, omg!). Started playing with some designs that I’m considering adding to Red bubble sometime (we’ll see!)
homemaker : It’s all good. Whatever. 😂
(step) gramma : She’s doing great – almost got a “hi!” out of her!! 🤩
HSR (resale) : Yup, back on my radar a little. Only because I have no much shit sitting around that I apparently refuse to just donate lol. So, I started listing a little bit when I can (which is the tedious part). Maybe I’ll add a page on my blog here for the better listings, if I can find time to figure out the best way to do that!

Currently

eating – salt & carbs. And some healthy stuff too…!

drinking – lime water

watching – One Piece. (Hubby’s in love hehe)

reading – The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern – it’s gonna take me a while, but I’m enjoying the journey so far!

playing – Nothing, really. I quit The Sims Freeplay. It’s evil 🤣 (I’ll undoubtedly be back at it in the fall)

buying – Too much stupid shit I don’t need. Accidentally got Booboo a go kart because it was just too cheap. Lol 🤦‍♀️ (& she’s discovered the joy of drifting lol)

listening to – Lofi, ska, rockabilly…nothing in particular. Oh! Lindsey Stirling a bit again

celebrating – Father’s Day. Tie Dye Party. Summer!

pinning – leather working, journaling, self care, pretty lotus pics

planning – adventures with the fam

feeling – pretty decent 😉👍

Bored, Lonely, & Looking for Something to Be Pissed Off About

zen

Why You’re Always Irritated When Nothing Is Actually Wrong

What’s left when you’re not actively drowning in grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression?

You find yourself still restless & uncomfortable, scrolling endlessly or binge watching The Office for the 436th time just to avoid staring at the wall.

Cranky. Mopey. Mentally busy, but just spinning in circles.

Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right…

So you start looking for things to be pissed off about (did you see whatever political dumpster fire is trending this week?!?)

The funny look you got from your friend seemed more judgy than it really was.

Maybe you have no patience for the driver in front of you still sitting at the green light (”are you blind?! GO!”)

I do this shit too.

If your life doesn’t have a real problem, your brain will find one (or make one up out of nowhere).

Manufactured Problems

Beyond myself, I’ve watched this pattern in my favorite people…

My high school sweetie was passionately into politics, long before smartphones were a thing. Which would be fine if it didn’t make him so irate that he’d hardly talk about anything else.

My ex fiance used to troll the fuck out of anybody he could in every MMORPG he ever played. Ever.

My “old friend” used to yell at the entirety of Twitter on a routine basis.

My husband seems to love doom scrolling Google articles in search of things to be pissed off about (Musk > Hochul > Trump).

Doom scrolling war, politics, outrage…

Ragebait posts, comment sections swirling with turmoil…

Getting emotionally invested in things you can’t (or won’t) do anything about.

You find yourself with an “I can’t believe this is happening!” energy but no outlet.

Taking things too personally when you misunderstand the intent behind a loved one’s innocent comment.

Beating yourself up for not doing the dishes.

Everything becomes a trigger.

If your life is calm, your brain will outsource chaos.

Maybe you borrow it from the internet, maybe from the people you love.

Just to feel something.

The Mechanism

You’ve found yourself in an undeniable loop.

Bored? You crave stimulation.

Restless? You have too much mental energy floating around, looking for something to cling to.

Lonely? You feel a lack of genuine connection to other people.

Catalysts for internal chaos.

You get irritable, searching for targets.

You overreact or fixate to things that don’t ultimately matter.

And then you feel even worse.

Rinse & repeat.

You’re not reacting to reality – you’re reacting to the absence of meaning.

Why Your Mind Starts Turning On You

Loneliness

You can definitely be literally surrounded by people, even people you love, & still feel lonely as fuck.

It’s not just a matter of being alone.

It’s a matter of real connection – people who you can process life with, & enjoy intelligent conversations with.

Having clubbin’ friends in your twenties or a breakfast club in retirement really doesn’t automatically create connection.

Chit chat doesn’t equate support.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of being alone with themselves.

So they fill their lives with surface interactions.

And when you’re disconnected, your mind gets louder.

And less accurate.

Boredom & Restlessness

No goals, no intentional direction.

You tell yourself you’re “relaxing”. But if you’re honest… you’re mostly just killing time.

But time isn’t neutral – it can shape your mental state.

An idle mind doesn’t stay idle – it’s always searching.

The Dopamine Junk Food You Keep Eating

Boredom leads us to chasing easy stimulation in the form of consuming trite bullshit on the internet, or scrolling for quick lols.

Loneliness does the same.

You’re not actually looking for happiness – you’re looking for something to break the monotony.

But those short term dopamine hits don’t create lasting meaning in your life.

Here’s the Ugly Truth

Nothing catastrophic is happening, but your internal state is deteriorating.

Give your mind nothing meaningful to do, and it will create something meaningless to obsess over.

You don’t need a crisis to feel miserable.

This is all very human, but it’s not random.

Even if nothing is wrong, you may not be building anything that feels right.

Your environment may be fine. But maybe your inputs aren’t.

Escape Routes

When we get bored & lonely, we cope.

We distract ourselves, numb out from the dullness, fantasize about a “better” reality…

So you find ways to escape it all. Most of us do.

And that’s where things start to get interesting…

This is part of an ongoing series. Part two gets into escape routes, for better & worse – not in a “have you tried gratitude journaling” way. Subscribe if you want it.

And tell me: what does your brain fixate on when life gets too quiet? Comments are open.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻