zen – zen BLITZ

Bored, Lonely, & Looking for Something to Be Pissed Off About

Why You’re Always Irritated When Nothing Is Actually Wrong

What’s left when you’re not actively drowning in grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression?

You find yourself still restless & uncomfortable, scrolling endlessly or binge watching The Office for the 436th time just to avoid staring at the wall.

Cranky. Mopey. Mentally busy, but just spinning in circles.

Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right…

So you start looking for things to be pissed off about (did you see whatever political dumpster fire is trending this week?!?)

The funny look you got from your friend seemed more judgy than it really was.

Maybe you have no patience for the driver in front of you still sitting at the green light (”are you blind?! GO!”)

I do this shit too.

If your life doesn’t have a real problem, your brain will find one (or make one up out of nowhere).

Manufactured Problems

Beyond myself, I’ve watched this pattern in my favorite people…

My high school sweetie was passionately into politics, long before smartphones were a thing. Which would be fine if it didn’t make him so irate that he’d hardly talk about anything else.

My ex fiance used to troll the fuck out of anybody he could in every MMORPG he ever played. Ever.

My “old friend” used to yell at the entirety of Twitter on a routine basis.

My husband seems to love doom scrolling Google articles in search of things to be pissed off about (Musk > Hochul > Trump).

Doom scrolling war, politics, outrage…

Ragebait posts, comment sections swirling with turmoil…

Getting emotionally invested in things you can’t (or won’t) do anything about.

You find yourself with an “I can’t believe this is happening!” energy but no outlet.

Taking things too personally when you misunderstand the intent behind a loved one’s innocent comment.

Beating yourself up for not doing the dishes.

Everything becomes a trigger.

If your life is calm, your brain will outsource chaos.

Maybe you borrow it from the internet, maybe from the people you love.

Just to feel something.

The Mechanism

You’ve found yourself in an undeniable loop.

Bored? You crave stimulation.

Restless? You have too much mental energy floating around, looking for something to cling to.

Lonely? You feel a lack of genuine connection to other people.

Catalysts for internal chaos.

You get irritable, searching for targets.

You overreact or fixate to things that don’t ultimately matter.

And then you feel even worse.

Rinse & repeat.

You’re not reacting to reality – you’re reacting to the absence of meaning.

Why Your Mind Starts Turning On You

Loneliness

You can definitely be literally surrounded by people, even people you love, & still feel lonely as fuck.

It’s not just a matter of being alone.

It’s a matter of real connection – people who you can process life with, & enjoy intelligent conversations with.

Having clubbin’ friends in your twenties or a breakfast club in retirement really doesn’t automatically create connection.

Chit chat doesn’t equate support.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of being alone with themselves.

So they fill their lives with surface interactions.

And when you’re disconnected, your mind gets louder.

And less accurate.

Boredom & Restlessness

No goals, no intentional direction.

You tell yourself you’re “relaxing”. But if you’re honest… you’re mostly just killing time.

But time isn’t neutral – it can shape your mental state.

An idle mind doesn’t stay idle – it’s always searching.

The Dopamine Junk Food You Keep Eating

Boredom leads us to chasing easy stimulation in the form of consuming trite bullshit on the internet, or scrolling for quick lols.

Loneliness does the same.

You’re not actually looking for happiness – you’re looking for something to break the monotony.

But those short term dopamine hits don’t create lasting meaning in your life.

Here’s the Ugly Truth

Nothing catastrophic is happening, but your internal state is deteriorating.

Give your mind nothing meaningful to do, and it will create something meaningless to obsess over.

You don’t need a crisis to feel miserable.

This is all very human, but it’s not random.

Even if nothing is wrong, you may not be building anything that feels right.

Your environment may be fine. But maybe your inputs aren’t.

Escape Routes

When we get bored & lonely, we cope.

We distract ourselves, numb out from the dullness, fantasize about a “better” reality…

So you find ways to escape it all. Most of us do.

And that’s where things start to get interesting…

This is part of an ongoing series. Part two gets into escape routes, for better & worse – not in a “have you tried gratitude journaling” way. Subscribe if you want it.

And tell me: what does your brain fixate on when life gets too quiet? Comments are open.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

No Such Thing as Resolved Grief

zen

Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)

The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone

You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.

You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.

You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?

Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…

The Way Grief Really Moves

Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.

You never really “get over it”.

It comes in waves throughout your life.

It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…

Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.

Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.

It never seems to fully end.

Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…

maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.

You’re Grieving More Than You Realize

I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.

I learned a lot.

One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…

It comes from a sense of loss in general.

That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.

Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.

And it sucks just as much.

When It Doesn’t Fade

Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.

Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.

Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.

For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.

It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.

It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…

Where This Hit Me

The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.

It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.

And then it just didn’t stop.

It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.

Things I hadn’t thought about in years.

And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:

everyone leaves me.

Not always in the same way.

Not always all at once.

But eventually… they’re gone.

And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.

I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”

And the only answer I could land on was this:

I was still grieving.

Not just one thing.

A lot of things.

And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.

It feels older than that.

Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…

I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.

Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.

But…why now?!?

There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning

For me, it was spurred by stress.

And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.

It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.

It’s a survival mechanism.

A painful one, but…

The Truth We Avoid

Some things don’t get tied up neatly.

There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”

And that’s a bitch to accept.

Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.

That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.

But a lot of things don’t work like that.

Some things stay.

Not as sharp. Not as constant.

But still there.

You don’t get over it.

You learn to live with it.

And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.

It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.

It evolves with you.

And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.

The way you see people.

The way you love.

The way you hold onto things that matter.

Maybe even the way you create.

Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.

But because it became part of you.

And you learned how to carry it differently.

Some things don’t leave you empty.

They leave something behind.

Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.

And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.

So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.

Maybe the healing never quite ends.

And Then There’s This…

What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.

When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…

we’ll get to that next week. 💚

It’s not random. And it’s not just you.

There’s a reason it still lives in you.

If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.

Or just sit with it for a while.

Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Functional Depression & Anxiety: Why You Feel Off But Keep Going

zen

Something is off (but hard to explain)

You know the feeling when something just feels…off?

Not dramatic, not urgent, just…not right.

You can still function – show up, get things done, carry on with life.

But it all feels heavier than it should.

Or you feel disconnected from…everything.

Nobody else can tell anything’s “not right”.

You’re doing what ya gotta do. You’re “fine”.

But it takes more out of you than it should.

You just go through the motions & routines of each day, not fully present, not really absorbing the moments.

Days blur together. Memories don’t quite stick.

Then you’ll have a good day, or a better day, and you think everything’s ok. You breathe the fresh air, go for a walk, hold a genuinely content smile…

And then it drops again.

So you start to question yourself – what’s really going on here?

And the cycle continues.

You end up feeling restless but stuck. Tired, but wired. Numb but overwhelmed.

Life becomes about just getting through the day. Or the hour. Or the moment…

There’s a reason this feels this way

This isn’t random. This isn’t you failing at life.

I experience this in my own ways, and I’ve spent a long time trying to understand it.

Often, you’re “just” stressed the fuck out. And when you’re stressed the fuck out, your body releases a chemical called cortisol.

Cortisol is helpful in short bursts because it’s purpose is to protect you, but it’s not meant to stay elevated.

Sometimes your nervous system speeds up, causing restlessness & anxious energy.

Sometimes it slows down, causing a heavy & shut-down feeling.

One pushes, the other pulls back.

And they cycle. As much as they feel the need to.

Your mind can get to the point of prioritizing getting through the moment over thinking clearly – and survival over presence.

Relief Without Hype

You’re not broken – you’re overwhelmed.

Your brain is trying to protect you, not break you.

This is what many people experience as depression & anxiety. They’re two sides of the same coin in my experience – even when only one is more obvious, the other is lurking.

Not broken. Not failing.

Overwhelmed. Depleted. Stuck in a loop your brain learned.

Everyone experiences some version of this, to varying degrees – there’s a spectrum, just like anything in life. Nothing is ever truly black & white.

It becomes a problem when it starts interfering with your ability to live your life. But you don’t need to hit a breaking point to take it seriously.

Have compassion for yourself – Understanding can change how you see it; labeling it can soften it. When you can put a name to it, it starts to lose some of its power.

You don’t need to justify how you feel…

Patterns like this don’t come out of nowhere – your mind learned them for a reason, even if you can’t fully see why yet.

Some things stay with you—experiences, stress, grief.

Even when they fade into the background, they don’t disappear.

And sooner or later, they surface.

Not randomly. Not out of nowhere.

There’s always a reason.

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not broken.

It makes sense.

Stick around.

We’re going to keep making sense of it – one layer at a time.

If this hit something for you, I’d love to hear – what part of this felt the most familiar?

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

If You Feel Stuck in Life, Start Here…

zen

You’ve Probably Tried This Already

I’ve spent an awful lot of time consuming “self-help” information throughout my life.

I even jumped headfirst into every psych-related class I could find the first time I went to college, and I loved every second of it.

One of my favorite books at the time was Bus 9 to Paradise (which is basically some guy’s gratitude journal).

A lot of this stuff is interesting.

But a lot of it ultimately feels like bullshit.

Am I wrong?

The Loop (and Why It Doesn’t Break)

So, a lot of people do this.

You read, you experiment, you feel no different. And the cycle continues.

You end up feeling run down, pissed off, depressed, anxious, hedonistic… And then you feel pretty good, confident, content… And then… the cycle continues.

We don’t need more noise – we need direction.

What We’re Actually Doing Here

After my regularly scheduled “Where I’m At” post next week, I’m going to start digging into this.

Not surface-level fixes. Not pretty routines.

The real stuff.

We’re going to look at the darker corners – depression, anxiety, grief, trauma – and the ways we cope with them (not all helpful, not all harmless).

From having tea (or a beer) with your shadows & demons, to things like mindful (Epicurean) hedonism and tantric philosophy…

This is about figuring out what actually helps – and what just keeps you stuck.

I promise it’ll be an interesting journey!

Start Here

If you feel stuck, stick around – I have a lot of thoughts 😜

Pick a starting point. Don’t stay stuck.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Self-Love Without the Cringe: A 7-Day Journaling Reset

zen

Since February is the season of love, I thought I’d write a focused series of posts throughout the month. Don’t worry, they’re not the typical bullshit. I’m thinking self love, romanticizing your life, long term relationships, and “weird” relationships… everything with a bit of a “twist”. 💚 Stay with me here…

Reframing February

The concept of self-love feels lame because it became performative, sanitized, and dishonest – Insta-worthy bubble baths & all that shit. It isn’t lame on its own, but the way it’s portrayed certainly is.

February doesn’t need more aesthetic self-care “advice”.

This post is intended as a humane, grounded, and lived-in reset.

Self love about staying with yourself, not futile attempts toward fixing yourself at the spa.

What “Self-Love” Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Self-love is something I choose when my mind is consumed with perceived chaos.

Self-care is something I do. It’s an act of self love (When Life Gets Chaotic, Practice Self Care).

Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment – it shows up later as steadiness, clarity, or less self-abandonment.

It lives in the thoughts you repeat about yourself – all of yourself.

Sometimes you have to say “fuck you” to your self depreciating bullshit and choose yourself anyway.

The “Self-Love Is Cringe” Problem

The cringe associated with it is a social survival reflex.

Just as much as we’re pressured by the media to indulge in often frivolous acts of self care, we’re also pressured to “hustle, grind, rewind” – push through & ignore anything that gets in the way.

Growing up, caring openly often wasn’t “safe” for me. Especially considering all of the grief my mother’s family has dealt with (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast) – I was raised (as I know most of us are) to ignore my feelings & push through tough situations. Which, at times, can be beneficial. But it catches up to us all eventually.

“Softness” wasn’t modeled for most of us – for better and worse.

Avoiding self-love isn’t laziness – it’s conditioning.

Shadow Integration: The Part We Avoid Naming

Self-love isn’t about erasing our shadows – It’s about integrating them so that they stop running the show from the background.

I try hard to let myself work with what I usually keep hidden, through my writing, my artwork & crafts, and journaling. When something is making me feel uncomfortable, I often ask myself why, and what positive & productive things can I do with this?

Self-love is choosing presence over avoidance.

Journaling as a Nervous System Practice

Journaling can be a great way to practice presence and soothe your nervous system – It’s a place to contain & converse with your demons when needed, and stay with yourself while you figure everything out.

There’s something about handwriting such that I personally I would suggest using an analog journal over digital – it forces you to slow down & examine your thoughts completely. Whatever method you choose is up to you of course, for the sake of privacy if nothing else. It doesn’t need to be seen by anyone but you.

It isn’t about writing well, it’s about maintaining presence. A sentence or two is enough if that’s all you have the time or energy for on any given day.

The 7-Day Self-Love Journaling Experiment Overview

On the topic of journaling, I’d like to invite you to try a quick little experiment!

The purpose of this experiment is to slow your nervous system, build trust with yourself, and create a place to land your chaos.

Day one will contain the whole practice, while the following days are optional expansions – so even one day counts!

If you miss a day: Nothing is ruined. Come back when you’re ready.

And remember – Self-love isn’t about consistency, it’s about returning to who the fuck you are.

Day 1: The Self-Love Letter

Write a letter to you as though you’re an outside observer who knows your personal history. No positivity performing, no shaming, no fixing.

Start by naming your current emotional state without judgment, just as a basis to understand the tone of the letter if you were to read it months from now.

Then reflect on the challenging situations you’ve dealt with in your life, being sure to acknowledge your resilience and any lessons you’ve learned or personality strengths you’ve gained through those experiences.

Express gratitude for your growth where it feels appropriate – Gratitude is acknowledgment, not unfounded praise.

Develop some affirmations if you’d like – Affirmations are for orientation, they’re not always hype. (Some fun examples – “I am a badass”, “Be yourself, fuck all”, “Live vibrantly”, or “Alchemize the fire within”.)

Skip anything that feels forced.

Days 2–7: Optional Expansions

Day 2: Naming Without Fixing

(Presence & containment)

Today is about noticing, not solving. Naming something doesn’t make it bigger — it makes it clearer.

What emotions keep resurfacing lately, even when you try to ignore them?
If you weren’t required to “do anything” about them, what would they want you to know?
What are you already doing to survive this season of life, even if it doesn’t look impressive?

Day 3: The Parts You Keep Private

(Shadow integration, gently)

This is for the things you don’t usually say out loud. You don’t need to like these parts. Just let them exist on the page.

What part of yourself do you tend to hide because it feels inconvenient, messy, or “too much”?
When did you first learn that this part wasn’t welcome?
How might this part be trying to protect you, even imperfectly?

Day 4: Slowing the Nervous System

Write slowly today. Let your body lead. This can be a list. Or a single sentence. Or a deep breath and a word.

How does your body feel right now — not metaphorically, literally?
What helps you feel even 5% more settled?
What does “good enough” look like today?

Day 5: Identity, Mood, and Self-Trust

(Who you are when you’re not performing)

Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do, like, or need that doesn’t make sense to anyone else?
What parts of your identity feel most stable right now?

Day 6: Boundaries as Care

(Self-love in action)

Think structure, not restriction – Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re containment.

Where do you feel most drained lately?
What boundary (time, space, energy, emotional) would support you right now?
What’s one small way you already protect yourself — even if it’s imperfect?

Day 7: Staying With Yourself

(Integration & closure)

Let’s close the loop without pressure. You don’t have to carry this perfectly – just honestly.

What did you learn about yourself this week?
Where did you show up for yourself, even quietly?
What would it look like to continue “staying” with yourself moving forward?

Lived Authority

As much as I love my family, I protect my morning routine ruthlessly. It’s become a very firm boundary that I maintain in my daily life. Otherwise, I find myself buried under other people in my ears, demanding my attention, all day long.

My morning routine is forced space for other things that are important to me such as reading, writing, movement, & meditation.

Self-love often looks like structured self care – Not indulgence, but an intentional nervous system reset.

Ultimately, for me, it’s a boundary for my family and for me.

Utilizing self-love and practicing self-care during genuinely challenging seasons taught me something important: I can endure chaos. And I can come out prouder, steadier, and more confident on the other side.

It’s about staying with myself.

This isn’t a prescription. It’s an invitation.

You’re the only person you’ll live with your entire life, so you’re allowed to honor yourself.

Self-love doesn’t need to be cringe.

And journaling is a real, usable resource.

If this resonated, you might try one sentence in a notebook tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Returning counts.

If you want more grounded practices like this, feel free to subscribe to my blog – no hype, no fixing, just honest tools for staying with yourself.

Stay tuned for more “offbeat” love related topics this February!

And if you share this post, make sure to pass it to someone who hates ‘self-love’ content. 😉

Rock on! 💚🤘

Goal Setting Without the Bullshit: A Flexible 6-Step Guide (Any Time of Year)

blitz, zen

“New year, new you!” You know that’s bullshit, on so many levels.

For one thing, pushing the reset button on the calendar year doesn’t change anything other than a number. People change over time — often quietly, unevenly, and without clean timelines – the dates don’t matter at all.

For another thing, there’s nothing wrong with you such that you need to completely “reinvent yourself” or whatever – Goals are intended for self respect, not self shaming or punishment for not being “good enough”. Everyone could benefit from improving their lives in certain ways, at certain times.

So, while I am writing this post for the new year, I’m going to share some reflections, practical steps, and a loving nudge for all of us to get our proverbial shits together whenever we need it, throughout the year.

Let’s be intentional about how we design our lives, shall we?

Step 1: Reflect Like You Mean It

(You might want to spread these reflection prompts out over a few days. Or weeks, whatever you need to do. 😉)

A. Role Review

Make a list of all of your roles in your life – whatever applies to you.

For example, mine are : myself, wife, mom, homeschool teacher, creator, & household manager.

It might seem like some of those things overlap, and they do because they’re collectively my life, but they’re also separate responsibilities.

What roles in your life carry their own responsibilities – are you a student? A volunteer? And even if your kids are adults, they still count, now just as much as ever.

Once you have your list, go through each role individually & ask yourself the following :

How do I feel about this area, as far as the associated responsibilities & the general vibe?
Why?
What, if anything, would I like to improve here?

No self judgment, just be honest.

If a role feels heavy or resentful, that’s information — not failure.

B. Define Your Ideal Life

Perfection isn’t reality.

Without that in mind, get wild with this one!

What, ideally, would make your life feel peak vibrant, authentic, & exhilarating? Spend a few minutes writing it out.

Make this personal: values-based, vision-based, aesthetic, emotional, or messy.

Dream big!

C. Optional Reflection Prompts

A few more things to ask yourself, if you’d like :

Where in my life am I proud of myself?
Where am I drained?
What’s one thing I’d change immediately if I could?

Step 2: Choose a Word of the Year

This doesn’t need to be too drawn out, and it doesn’t need to be for a whole calendar year.

Pick an anchor word to help you focus your efforts on for now – if it changes, change is good. Just pick one at a time, a truth to lean into for a while to serve as a compass & a reminder of the direction you’re going (which is forward 😉).

Examples I’ve used in the past : simplify, intent, & embody.

Write it somewhere you’ll see it regularly. Make a Canva design & hang it on your wall. Tattoo it on your arm if that’s your thing. Just don’t forget your reminder.

Step 3: The Brain Dump

Set a timer for at least five minutes and free write a list of anything on your mind. And, while you’re at it, everything.

No filtering, no performing as though it’s intended for anyone but you. Just get it all out of your head & onto paper.

Some loose categories to consider : Life + Work + Health + Wealth + Relationships. Maybe even consider some things from your “Fuck Yeah list” or childhood hobbies.

If your brain dump feels overwhelming, that’s the point — you’re emptying the clutter.

Step 4: Prioritize Intentionally

Go back through your brain dump and sort through it :

Hell Yes (non-negotiables or deeply aligned)
Maybe (park for later)
Hell No (things you’re carrying out of guilt or habit) – cross these right out

Then sort through the “Hell Yes” again, as well as your previous reflections – what things take priority for you, right now? What’s important to your wellbeing & sense of self? You really want to minimize this list as much as possible (no more than 2 or 3 things).

Step 5 : Identify the Why

For these priorities, ask yourself why those things matter to you.

Dig deep — the root motivation, the thing that will keep you going during slumps. Does it relate to your values, your identity, your direction in life?

Ask yourself – “If I lose motivation, what truth about this goal will get my ass in gear?”

Step 6: Build the Plan (Projects + Systems)

There are two main ways to execute on most goals – systems & projects.

Projects are time bound, outcome based goals with a definitive ending point. For example, planning a vacation or launching a product.

Systems are repeated behaviors, such as habits, routines, & processes. For example, I have my morning & evening routines, and our homeschool routine – all of these things include habits that better my life (& my kids), which is always the goal.

Pick no more than 1–3 major projects to work on or systems to develop to focus on this quarter.

An Optional Perspective : Experiments

If you have a bit more of a scientific mind, it may be helpful to view these new projects & systems as experiments.

Include:
- Hypothesis
- Test (action)
- Evaluate
- Implement or Pivot

“Experiments” remove failure-shame, because they’re just experiments. Try a thing, and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Keep Yourself Accountable (Gently)

Some people like to tell their loved ones or an online community about their goals to help keep them accountable – they can keep those people updated on their progress.

While I kind of do that here on my blog a little bit, I prefer the visuals of habit tracking in my planners and reflecting regularly in my journals.

Whatever you do, choose something that feels supportive, not punishing if you don’t (or can’t) follow through.

Reflection + Adjustment

Reflection is key, especially if that’s your main accountability protocol.

Even if it’s not, you should definitely ask yourself regularly what’s working with your progress, what’s not working, and how you can make things better or easier for yourself.

For myself, I check off my habit tracker daily. Weekly, I review & see how the week went. And then monthly, I review my weekly reflections & see what I need to adjust.

Your timeframes & means of reflection may be different, but it’s essential to do if you want to see continuous improvements in life.

Real-Life Examples From My Current Goals

For nearly a year now, I’ve been focusing on a few things – my physical health, my writing & creativity, homeschooling, & my marriage. All of these things are major priorities for me for their own reasons, and that hasn’t changed.

For my health goals, I have a daily health log on Notion where I keep myself accountable for the food I eat throughout the days (I can be a bit of an “emo eater” sometimes). I keep a separate analog journal to log my weights & what exercise I do on a daily basis. Weekly, I review these logs & reflect on how I did in my analog journal. (And it’s been pretty neat seeing how my weights have changed over the course of months!)

I track what writing I get done daily in another analog notebook, and reflect on that each week as well. I never feel like I’m getting anything done, but my notebook reminds me that I do get stuff done & encourages me to keep at it!

We follow curricula for most of the girls’ homeschooling, and I’m constantly asking myself if we’re moving along at a reasonable pace. I adjust accordingly, and I keep track of progress on Notion, which makes it super easy when it comes to writing up quarterly reports!

Closing

You certainly don’t need a perfect plan to start, you just need to know where you want to go and what first steps to take on the journey.

One honest step is more powerful than a polished vision board.

Treat the coming year as an experiment in becoming more you, & let’s see where it takes us!

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

If you’re comfortable, share your word of the season or one priority in the comments — I love seeing how people design their lives differently!

And if you’d like to watch a video I enjoyed that kind of plays in to what this article was about, check this out 👇

Rock on! 🤘💚

ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast: What October Means to Me

zen

Technically, May is ALS Awareness Month — but for me, the awareness never ends. I live with it every October.

Which super sucks because my allergy season starts at the end of August & lasts throughout September. Couple that with always catching the same cold everyone gets at the end of September, and my body & mind is just shot by the time October rolls around.

October is my birth month. But it’s also the anniversary of my mom passing away. So…everything sucks.

Brace yourself for some “heavy shit”. I’d like to share why I am the way I am, what shaped my perspectives as I grew up, and how I’m doing right now.

When My Mom Got Sick

I actually started writing a post explaining my family’s history with ALS, but it’s still sitting unfinished in my drafts because it depresses the fuck out of me. I’ll probably share it sometime though.

My mom got sick when I was 14, right around Thanksgiving. She started having trouble swallowing & speaking because she had “bulbar onset ALS”, which means her tongue was becoming paralyzed.

In the months that followed, I became a major caregiver for her. I found myself helping her on the phone & in person with debt collectors, doctors, everyone. It got to the point where I was the only one who could still understand what she was saying without her having to write anything down.

Then she couldn’t swallow at all anymore. So, she had a GI tube placed in her stomach so she could still get some nutrition. I helped “feed” her, and with cleaning the tube.

Nobody bothered to tell me that ALS progresses aggressively in our family – until recently, no one’s survived longer than 18 months from the onset of symptoms. I thought I had time.

By the time the school year started, she was in pretty rough shape. But I was still more than happy to continue my duties as a caregiver. However, my mom’s sister had other plans. She stepped in to help, ultimately pushing me out of the way so I could “focus on school”. (How the fuck was I supposed to focus on school with my mom wasting away at home? I digress…)

October rolled around, and she was rapidly getting weak in her limbs. Hospice was welcomed in. A hospital bed was placed in the living room for her. One of the aides stole money from my parents. Her diaphragm had become paralyzed & she refused to be intubated (because at that point, the stark reality of the situation is “why bother?”) Everything sucked.

Four days after my 15th birthday, she passed away.

The Night Everything Broke

I was in my room listening to Rancid after dinner. Between songs, I heard a terrible noise from out in the living room. So I stopped & listened at the door. I knew I didn’t want to face the situation; I knew what was happening. So I spent a moment trying to find the courage to face the reality.

I walked out & stopped in the doorway to the living room. My mom’s spit sucker was full of blood, and she was laying there lifeless with my dad, aunt, & uncle crying around her. She’d died of respiratory failure – in other words, she’d just choked to death on her own blood. The terrible noise was my aunt’s despair. The whole thing was horrific. Happy fuckin’ birthday.

My dad walked up & gave me a hug; that’s literally the only time I’d ever seen that man cry. When he let go, I walked over & held my aunt as she repeatedly screamed “I’m sorry, I did everything I could”. I didn’t shed a tear. Because that’s how I am – deal with the situation, & get emotional about it later.

As a side note… There were a couple things I’d found out about much later that I wish I’d known sooner. For example, my mom had sleeping pills that she wanted to use before things got too bad for her to use them, and my aunt told her “she couldn’t do that to (me)”. Had I known, I would’ve not only given them to her to shorten her horrific suffering, I would’ve been able to say good bye.

Well…

What Comes After Death

I sat on the couch in front of her. My dad & uncle went outside to smoke cigarettes & drink for a little bit, while my aunt went in the kitchen to call the coroner & family members. They were understandably traumatized.

I got to thinking about how a body is just a shell. That this corpse in front of me was not my mom; my mom was with me in spirit. I could feel it.

Eventually, our vessels will fail us all. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of our existence, though none of us truly know what happens in the next phase.

Then I realized I was sitting alone with my mother’s still twitching corpse. I got it in my head that this is how it is – I’m alone in dealing with everything for the rest of my life; I’m expected to be there for everyone else, and I don’t deserve anyone being there for me. After all, I was barely 15, sitting alone with my mother’s still twitching corpse.

And I screamed in devastated rage. I can still feel it, I can still hear myself. No one should have to feel like that.

My aunt came running & wrapped her arms around me. She told me “I know”. No, you have no idea. Everyone had already abandoned me & my grief. You can’t really come back from that.

Fast forward to the funeral a few days later…

Everyone met at my grandma’s house. When it was time to leave for the church, I was forced toward the front of the line out the door.

She had a doorway from the kitchen to the stairs where the basement was, and then another doorway to the sun room, and then a doorway out of the house.

It was pouring all day. Quiet thunder rumbled in the distance.

The very second I stepped foot in the doorway to the sun room, it was like lightning struck in the yard – the loudest boom I’ve ever heard in my life & everything went completely white for a moment. I stopped dead in my tracks & was immediately hit with the idea that “this is the dawning of the rest of my life”. My aunt gently pushed me out the doorway.

And that’s the attitude I felt the need to develop from there on – You don’t get to stop, you don’t get to feel. You just keep going, pushing forward, else you’ll get sucked into a pit of despair.

I know better. I even knew better then. It inevitably always catches up to you eventually. But I had no choice; I was pushed out the door without acknowledgement.

At her funeral, I stood away from everyone. I wore a beautiful black velvet dress and held a red rose that someone had given me. I looked stunning.

But everyone seemed scared of me. Most of them didn’t even know who I was, nor did I know them. Why were they even there?!? They weren’t around my whole life, they weren’t around when she was sick… Why bother being there at her funeral, “honoring” her & “expressing” condolences? I was infuriated. But at least I looked good… Ugh.

How I Buried It All (and Dug It Back Up)

I’d forgotten about all of these things for years after.

About 10 years later, I got it in my head that I’d like to advocate for ALS awareness & research. So I decided to start by participating in the local “Walk to Defeat ALS” fundraiser.

Even my family members didn’t donate. (Well, I think one forked over 20 bucks.)

During that time, I found myself researching my family’s history with the disease online. Much to my surprise (& horror), there’s a lot more articles about us than I ever imagined. (And many many more now.)

That’s when I learned that we have one of the most aggressive SOD1 mutations in recorded medical history. Unlike everyone else who gets ALS, hereditary or sporadic, it wipes us out incredibly quick. And if we want to bother getting tested to find out whether or not we’ve been cursed with the gene, a positive result for the mutation means there’s a 96% chance that that’s our death sentence.

The genetic time bomb ticks louder in my ear every year. Even though I’ve never been tested.

It was at this time that all these memories came flooding back to me. I’d apparently repressed them, and they came back like a raging wildfire, tearing me the fuck apart in the process.

All those memories came back about a year after my father had his first stroke & cancer, and I was his only caregiver (for 12 years after, until he passed away).

And that was also when I lost my friend that I’ve mentioned briefly in previous posts…. Because I was too overwhelmed to know how to express all this to him properly.

Still Healing

Here we are.

I’m mentally & emotionally burned out from staying strong for the sake of taking care of my family during some chaos that lasted much too long.

So give me some grace as I work through all this mess – I’ll keep up with my weekly posts as best I can (& they should be more uplifting than this one!)

And thank you for giving me the space to vent – I hope I didn’t ruin your day LOL ❤️

If you’ve ever carried a loss that never fully leaves, know you’re not alone. Writing about it helps — even if it takes decades to find the words.

Rock on, and take care of your heart. ❤️

Reignite Your Childhood Hobbies: How Play Can Spark Joy in Adulthood

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What did you love to do as a kid? And why the hell did you stop?

Oh yeah, work. And family. And life got in the way.

By the time you finally get a few moments, you’re too wiped out to do more than scroll or crash in front of Netflix.

But is that leaving you feeling fulfilled at the end of the day? Probably not.

So here’s an invitation to consider reigniting some of your youthful passions and bring some spark back into your life, at least a couple days a week!

The Compass of Childhood Joy

Whatever lit you up as a kid or a teenager might still give you clues as to what would make you happy as an adult.

It doesn’t matter if they were solo hobbies like writing & reading or active hobbies like skateboarding & playing sports – don’t you think those things might still bring you joy today?

And what do these kinds of activities say about who you were, and still are?

Literal Play vs. Adult Adaptation

Of course, not every childhood hobby fits neatly into adulthood.

If you liked pretending you were a superhero or building blanket forts, those are great ways to bond with your own kids or nieces & nephews. Or just playing by yourself, I’m not here to judge! – You could create a cozy reading nook instead of a blanket fort, or become an EMT instead of pretending to be a superhero!

Most childhood hobbies can be adapted in some way to your adult life. Pretend games can turn into fabulous fiction books, and climbing trees can look like hiking or mountain climbing.

The possibilities are endless! The point is that play matters throughout your life, regardless of whether it’s literal or adapted.

Nostalgia as Medicine

Returning to old hobbies isn’t just fun — it’s healing! You’re reclaiming pieces of yourself that were left behind.

Nostalgia can be a form of self-care (for example: adult coloring books, roller skating comebacks, LEGOs for grown-ups).

Passion First, Profit Second

Some hobbies can even evolve into businesses and “side hustles”, but you need to be aware of your passion levels throughout – monetizing too soon can kill the joy, & if it’s not fun, why do it?!?

Writing has always been a thread in my life. As a kid, I made weekly comics for my classmates. That grew into short stories, then poetry, then even some (slightly rebellious) light erotic fiction. For a while, life got in the way and I stopped — but when I sat down to write a little book on goal setting, I remembered how much fun it was. Since then, writing has evolved into blogging, poetry, fiction, and whatever else sparks me in the moment. No profit yet — maybe someday — but the real win is that I found the joy again.

My friend Josh is the perfect example. In high school, his passion was playing guitar. But when it came time for college, he chose engineering — something he was good at, but didn’t love — because it promised steady money. Still, he found ways to keep music alive, freelancing as a guitar teacher and joining a band. When the pandemic hit, he leaned on engineering and made solid money designing blueprints, but he hated every minute of it. As soon as restrictions lifted, he dropped the job and went back to teaching guitar and playing shows. Now he makes a living doing what he loves, and I couldn’t be prouder. 😊

Hobbies as a Shortcut to Excitement

Remember my Excitement Map post?

Are any of your childhood hobbies on there? Should they be?

They might be a gateway to the “Fuck Yeah” zone! 😜

Journaling Prompts

Want to go deeper? Grab your journal and play with these questions. Sometimes the answer to ‘What lights me up?’ is already sitting in the toy box you left behind…

What were my top 3 favorite hobbies as a kid? What feelings did each give me?
If I had one whole Saturday with zero responsibilities, which of those hobbies would I instinctively do first?
Are there ways to adapt my old hobbies into adult life? (Ex: blanket forts → interior design or cozy home rituals; rollerblading → dance or hiking…or even roller derby!; pretend games → creative writing).
Which of my hobbies still sneak into my life now, even in small ways?
What does this say about who I am — then and now?
How could I reclaim even one hour a week for something I loved as a child?
What hobby could I share with my kids, friends, or partner as a way of reconnecting with play?
Do I feel pressure to monetize my hobbies? If so, how would it feel to let them only be for joy again?
What piece of myself do I think I’ll “get back” by doing this hobby again?

It’s never too late to pick up the sketchbook, the rollerblades, the guitar.

Try one this week. Play, create, explore — then come back and let me know how it felt.

See if it still makes you “fuck yeah”!

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Shadow Season Journaling Prompts: Reflections for the Dark Half of the Year

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The days are getting shorter, and we’re entering the “dark half” of the year – The autumn equinox is on September 22. This is the perfect time for a little introspection to prepare your whole life to hunker down for the rain, snow, & cold (if that’s the weather you get where you are)!

In this post, I’d like to share some journaling prompts to help you contemplate where you’re at and where you’d like to be over the coming months. Prepare for a combination of practical planning and emotional unpacking.

Why Journaling Matters This Time of Year

This time of year invites inward focus because there usually aren’t as many events available to steal your outward attention (concerts, carnivals, etc).

It’s always better to spend some time with yourself than it is to scroll social media or binge watch comfort shows on TV.

Journaling gives you a mirror for your inner world — and during darker months, that mirror becomes even more valuable.

The Prompts

✨ Emotional Unpacking

What needs to be unpacked, mentally & emotionally, over the coming months? Now is the time of year to lean in to the shadows to find true light.
- What fears, resentments, or regrets surface more clearly in the quiet/dark? How can you hold space for them without judgment?
- What outer (public facing) parts of your life could be put to rest for the winter?
- What inner areas of yourself could use some fresh attention?

🏡 Home + Environment

Tidy up outside if winter is coming, and then start cleaning inside.
- Brainstorm tasks & organize by area / room.
- Bust out the cozy blankets & hot cocoa mugs! And if you don’t keep your Xmas lights up year-round…consider it? I do! 😜

🎃 Holidays + Traditions

What are your plans for the holidays?
- Do you need a Halloween costume?
- What might you be doing for Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Year’s, Festivus, whatever you celebrate?
- Do you need to get anybody gifts?
- Don’t forget what’s important to you — How do you envision each of these holidays going, ideally? What intentions do you have for each (such as more peace, less spending, reconnecting with tradition, creating new rituals)?

📅 Planning for the Year Ahead

Do you need to plan for a new planner for next year? Don’t overcomplicate it! Better to undercomplicate it & add as you find necessary. Sometimes all you need is a monthly or weekly calendar!

🎯 Goals + Reflection

How are your goals going?
- What can you still accomplish by the end of the year?
- What’s worth dropping or postponing so you enter the new year lighter?
- What’s something surprising you’ve accomplished so far this year that wasn’t on your original list?
Wins: What fun did you have this past spring / summer? What did you accomplish? Little things still count! What did you overcome? What are you proud of?
What am I looking forward to most in the coming months?

Closing Thoughts

This time of year isn’t just about survival — it’s a chance to deepen, let go, and realign. Try at least one of the prompts above, or spread them out over the coming weeks, and see what comes up for you.

Save this list to revisit throughout the season — you might be surprised how your answers shift over time.

Which of these prompts speaks to you most right now? Drop it in the comments or share it with a friend who journals.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

I’ll Never Fucking Know

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Sometimes grief doesn’t come from death — it comes from silence. From a friendship that once burned bright and then vanished without explanation. This poem spilled out of me in still trying to process the loss of someone who once felt like home. It’s messy, raw, and probably imperfect… but so was our bond.

“I’ll Never Fucking Know”

What the fuck happened?

Seems I’ll never understand.

Like a whirlwind of emotions;

your sleight of hand.

Mutual love, compassion,

freedom of our fucking souls.

Someone to lean on in a storm—

bestie goals.

Is it really worth it,

to be so mad?

Is it really worth it,

to throw away what we had?

Your silence is deafening;

none of this makes sense.

We could’ve figured it out

with a bond that intense.

What could be, would be, should be,

before it’s too late.

This animosity wasn’t written

to be our fate.

But nothing’s changed;

what more can I do?

Just keep on keepin’ on,

without you.

I’ll stitch up my heart,

just like before.

Burn bright in your darkness—

I’ll always love you more.

What the fuck happened?

Where’s your vibrant fucking glow?

Your stubbornness knows no bounds.

Guess I’ll never fucking know.

Losing someone you love — whether a friend, a partner, or a soulmate of any kind — can feel like a death without a funeral. Writing this helped me grieve, rage, and remember.

Fuck it — grief is messy, love is messy, friendship is messy. But maybe we don’t have to process it alone. Drop a thought, a rant, or a poem of your own in the comments. Let’s build a little corner of honesty together.

Rock on!

PS — What sparked this?

For a few years, my family was caught in chaos, and I was the one holding it all together. That kind of weight leaves you drained in ways you don’t even notice until later.

I think that’s why memories of this friend hit me so hard when they resurfaced – We once leaned on each other & lit each other up when we had nothing left.

I tried reaching out — not out of selfishness, but out of hope. Hope that maybe we could move forward, even just as friends. But silence was my answer.

So I’m left with this strange space: not fully grieving, not fully heartbroken, just carrying a fire I once borrowed from him. A fire I’ll keep tending, in the life I’ve built.