zen – zen BLITZ

A No-Bullshit Guide to Graceful Self-Kintsugi

Growth isn’t a destination. It’s a practice.

I wanted to write a post for me & hubby’s 7 year wedding anniversary, but I couldn’t really think of anything new to write. So here are some older posts, in case you missed ‘em :

Marriage, Music, and Mayhem: 6 Years with My Wild Older Husband

Tantra and Long-Term Love: The Truth About Keeping The Magic Alive

That said…

I got behind on my posts for the first time in almost 2 years – I’ve never skipped a week, til now!!

It’s been a loooooong week. Weeks? While. Busy taking advantage of summer weather, & tending to some emotional chaos within the household. Which thrust me into a bit of my own chaos.

No better opportunity to show how I practice what I preach, so to speak, and to lean back into the series I’m working through…! (The last post in the series was “Choosing a Different Path”, if you need a refresher).

When Life Gets Messy

When life gets chaotic, people often either give up completely or try to overhaul their entire lives.

That’s why there are so many YouTube videos & blog posts touting “How to reinvent yourself in 30 days” or “Become your best self – here’s how!”

Most of us have tried it.

And most of us have watched it fall apart after a week or two.

Instead, we need something small enough to do on even our worst days.

Minimum Viable Self Respect

Back when I was a grieving teenager, I started studying stress management. I knew I needed a simple way to come back to myself whenever life got messy. And over the years, this gradually became a framework I still use today.

It’s also the framework I return to whenever I’m overwhelmed – which made it especially fitting this past week (or so).

The point isn’t to add another impossible checklist to your life.

The point is to make caring for yourself so approachable that you can still do it when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Because it’s a matter of respecting yourself – your whole self – in good times & rough ones.

Worthwhile challenges are awesome – they keep life interesting!

But times of chaos aren’t asking you to make things more difficult.

Practice Beats Attempted Perfection

Fuck self-actualization. And individuation. Nirvana, enlightenment, and all that bullshit.

We treat them like finish lines – the idea that one day you’ll finally “arrive.”

Perfection is nothing more than an idea. Not a state of existence.

There is no finish line.

Growth isn’t something you arrive at. Neither is healing.

These are things you practice.

Practice creates space for transformation.

That kind of growth is quiet. Slow.

A matter of choosing the next respectful action. Again. And again. And again…

And that transformation becomes resilience, discipline….character.

The BMHS Framework

Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I ask myself four questions :

Am I taking care of my body?
Mind?
Heart?
Soul?

To me, this is a bit of a hierarchy, with “body” being the most important & the first to focus on. All of these are essential to our existence, but some more so than others.

Body – physical needs (food, movement, rest)
Mind – inputs (what you’re reading, watching, listening to)
Heart – connections, relationships
Soul – outputs (expression, creativity, meaning)

I start with the body because it’s hard to think clearly, connect deeply, or create anything meaningful when I’m exhausted, starving, or running on empty.

Putting It Into Practice

Spend a week focusing on one area.

Or a month.

Or whatever your life allows.

No gold stars. No pressure. No failing.

Just practice.

That’s it.

Your character is defined by how your return to yourself, your values, & the ones you love.

A wonderful reminder that I found on Pinterest :

“Uncommon advice : If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. Then the right path will reveal itself.”

Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore each part of the framework – Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul – with practical ideas you can adapt to your own life.

In the meantime, ask yourself one simple question:

What’s one small act of self-respect I can practice today?

If this helped, share it with someone who’s white-knuckling their way through a hard season right now. And subscribe if you’re new – I’ve got more from this series coming!

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

The People Who Shape Us Never Truly Leave

zen

On heartbreak, lemons, and the people who leave fingerprints on who you become.

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi

Why I’m Writing This

I know I mention him occasionally, but I haven’t written a post about the “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore” in a while. And he’s been on my mind a bit lately so I figured fuck it, eh?

(Yes I’m procrastinating on the series I’ve been working through, how did you know?!? 😆)

The Gas Station

For those who haven’t picked up on any backstory, here’s a bit of it…

He came into the gas station I worked at one day, & we instantly connected. It wasn’t just a physical attraction… It felt like we’d known each other for decades instead of moments. Like, bizarre, but beautiful.

On & off for a few years, we grew really close. Like, best friends who kinda wanted to make out but never had a proper opportunity to. We’d vent to each other, hug for longer than friends “should”, and support each other emotionally as much as we possibly could. We both valued each other’s perspectives & opinions, and each other’s company.

But he was, in his own words, “moody”. He also, in his own words, had the tendency to distance himself when he wasn’t feeling quite right (who doesn’t, eh?) And so one day we got into an argument that I still don’t understand, and he stopped talking to me. Inevitably, I’m quite sure I said something stupid or unclear which freaked him out, which freaked me out, which perpetuated the freaking out until he walked away. Cuz…humans. I’ll probably never know why he wasn’t willing to work it out once our emotions cooled & we’d gotten some perspective on the whole thing, which sucks beyond words. But it is what it is. We both carried on with our lives just fine.

No Villains Here

He broke my heart. Worse than anyone ever has. But he’s certainly not the villain of the story. Neither of us are.

The good far outweighed the bad (in my eyes at least). Which certainly doesn’t make either of us a hero either. Just uniquely beautiful humans.

We were both dealing with a lot in our own personal lives back then – neither of us were in the best mindset.

The timing just wasn’t right, I suppose.

Side note : I’m really struggling with this post, to be honest… The magnitude of our friendship can’t really be put into words. Nor the heartbreak I felt. I’m trying though, without getting too poetic about it 😅

The Receipts of Loving Him

This isn’t really just a post about some super awesome dude who I’m grateful to have loved – It’s to prove the case that you can always gain something, even when you lose something.

There was a lot of love there. A LOT. Mutual respect, trust, adoration…you name it. He meant a lot to me. And he still does. In a lot of ways, he helped shape the woman I grew into since knowing him.

I learned a lot from him. Here’s just a few notable ideas…

Grief is cyclical. I know this because of my mom, but because of him too. I’ll forget about his existence for a period of time, & then he suddenly pops into my mind. The trail never completely grows over, but I learn a little more every time I choose walk it.

Be yourself, fuck all. He carried himself & spoke with such confidence & often flawless articulation, and I admired the shit out of that at the time – I was in my 20’s & absolutely riddled with anxiety despite my extremely social career choice. I don’t think he felt that way about himself, but it inspired the fuck out of me.

Growth never ends. He challenged my perspectives at times, & always pushed me gently to be a little better. I’ve always been one to welcome a worthwhile challenge.

You never know who you’ll connect with if you stay open to the possibilities. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, especially in the jobs I’ve had, and I’ve gotten to know & love a little bit of a lot of them. But I always kept them at some distance, because of my “shadows”. He did too. But when life was throwing lemons in his face, he turned to me, and I was happy to try to help him make some lemonade.

Resilience. Bushels of lemons got thrown at him in pretty quick succession, & he was really having a hard time with it. It’s exhausting; I know. He rode the waves with as much grace as anyone possibly could, & I admired the shit out of that. He never gave up, never gave in, never fully lost himself in the process. And neither will I.

When you believe in someone, they can accomplish beautiful things. I felt like he believed that I was more capable than I felt I was with a lot of things…which helped me learn how to believe in myself. And that led me to accomplish some of the more important things in my life, such as working in the ER.

Money ain’t shit – It’s never worth it to work a job you hate. He hated his job. He worked in law enforcement, so I don’t blame him. He said he got into it “because he knew he could”; I thought “I could’ve been a prostitute, but that doesn’t mean I should.” 😆 Money flows like water – here one day & gone the next, back again a year later. Such is life. It’s not worth it to waste your precious time on this planet loathing everything for 40 hours a week – don’t do things that suck the vitality straight outta your soul.

And love. I honestly felt like he was my second ”true love” in life, & my first one as an adult. Even though we never dated. So here’s some things I learned on that note, in no particular order…

There can be a tremendously enriching essence of genuine love in every dynamic of relationship, if you live passionately and with curiosity.
When you love someone, you don’t turn your back on them, especially if things are rough, & even if you’re hurt. I’d told him more than once that I’ll always be here, & as long as I’m on the right side of the dirt, I always will.
Love requires sight of & acceptance of both the light & dark in another. No reason to hide – those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
Once you truly love someone, you never fully stop loving them. Ever. Is that a foolish perspective? I don’t think so. When I grow to truly love someone, there are reasons. Good fucking reasons. Short of abuse, there’s no reason for those reasons to become invalid.
If an overthinker says they love you, believe them – they’ve thought of every reason not to. Amen.

Love Changes Shape

The people we love, friends or family or some inspiring stranger with a guitar, can become part of our inner landscape. Even when they’re gone, their influence doesn’t disappear – it changes form. It becomes a part of the way we think, create, encourage others, and navigate our own lives.

All that I gained from knowing him while I did passes on through how I interact with & support the other people in my life. That friendship wasn’t for nothing – in a lot of ways, it saved me.

“even grief has honey in its mouth … have I loved it completely while it was here? … worship the miracle that it happened at all” – Christopher Sexton

I’ll challenge you with how he challenged me (because it’s definitely worthwhile) : take care of yourself, help others, live well, & stay weird. 🖤🪷

Some people aren’t meant to stay forever.

Maybe they’re meant to become part of the foundation you build the rest of your life on.

If you’ve ever had someone who changed you long after they left, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

What gift did they leave behind?

I’m not kidding, drop them in the comments. I read every one.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Choosing a Different Path

zen

The Turning Point Between Awareness and Action

The past several weeks, I’ve been naming a bunch of the harder things we sometimes have to deal with :

If You Feel Stuck in Life, Start Here…

Functional Depression & Anxiety: Why You Feel Off But Keep Going

No Such Thing as Resolved Grief

Bored, Lonely, & Looking for Something to Be Pissed Off About

How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)

All our shadows & demons.

We see each other. Whatever we’re going through at any point in time, we’re really not alone in dealing with it.

Now that the light has been cast…

Where Do We Go From Here?

Awareness is just the beginning.

My next series of posts will explore various means to enjoy the journey without all the typical fluffy self-help bullshit.

Changing the patterns a bit so that we don’t get stuck in them.

Reminding the demons who’s boss.

Life is About the Choices We Make

It’s good to acknowledge your shadows, whatever may plague you. But what to do with that knowledge?

It’s good to have some direction, however imperfect & fluid that direction may be.

We can choose to be stuck in unhelpful patterns, ideas, ways of thinking, ways of doing things.

We can also choose our own adventure.

“Life without design is erratic.” – Seneca

A very smart guy I once knew & will always adore posted this on Facebook a million years ago, & I wrote it down because it really hit me :

“We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything.”

Personally, that blurb hit me right in my indifference, but it speaks to a lot of things we all deal with.

“Life is about the choices we make”, and the perspectives we choose to take.

Stop Feeding the Demons

A pot of tea when they come to visit isn’t indulgent…it’s essential.

But at some point, you have to walk away from the table & get on with life.

There are no easy answers. Really, there are no concrete answers.

But ideas to contemplate.

All of the pathways in the brain are like trails in the woods.

If you follow the same trail constantly, the path stays clear & easy to follow, right?

But if the trail gets neglected, it becomes overgrown. It’s still there, but harder to find.

That’s how our minds work, in regards to a lot of things – memories, lessons, ideas, emotions, and so on. Helpful or painful.

Sometimes we find ourselves on a long neglected trail,

and we have to decide whether or not it’s worth it to clear the path,

and if so…whether or not it’s worth it to continue clearing that path.

That “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore”? Every pathway he ever made got overgrown for years – I was quite busy following other trails.

And while I still am quite busy, I’ve found myself on his trail quite a bit since it was illuminated a couple years ago.

Is it foolish to meander that trail like I do? I don’t think so. I’m very consciously on it in search of lessons. And I’ve learned a lot, and grown a lot, in the clearing.

The point is that not every path is important.

Emotions arise, exist, and pass.

Stories & rumination feed emotions – Clearing a trail that may be better off overgrown.

Practicing mindfulness is a means of choosing which trails to run down, and which to turn back from.

Whose Trail Are You Even On?

Are you following your own paths, or a map you knew would be easy to follow?

You have to get honest about who you are and what you actually want out of your life – if anyone does it for you, you’re not going to enjoy the outcome. Or the journey.

You can be labeled (or label yourself) as an addict, a depressive, an angry person, or whatever – labels can explain challenges we all face without becoming excuses.

Be mindful of your limitations, but mindful of your excuses just the same.

Gold In The Cracks

The goal is to learn how to grow from it.

How to become whole amidst it.

Integrating it instead of chasing the illusion of “perfection”. Or “normal”.

Taking the broken pieces & kintsugi-ing them back together – proudly displaying the gold in the cracks.

Build Your Own Damn Meaning

The idea that “if you can find meaning in life, you’ll be happy” is vague & unhelpful.

Build your own damn meaning. Now, that’s agency at its finest.

That’s human kintsugi.

Often, meaning can be found in helping others in some way,

and in the process you can pry yourself out of your own head.

Relationships matter, even if they’re minor or fleeting.

And often, if you look hard enough,

meaning can be found in all the little experiences you share with others.

Not in the hedonic pleasure of all the escape routes I’ve mentioned (though they can be a welcome temporary relief),

but in the eudaimonic, fulfilling sense of making the world a better place, even if ever so slightly.

Anger, sadness, anxiety…all those things can be a signal for action, if you let them.

Get out of the soul sucking relationship. Call the friend you haven’t talked to in decades. Fight against the injustices in the world.

Build your own damn meaning.

Blazing New Trails

This isn’t about hustle culture or toxic positivity.

This isn’t about shaming your demons, escape routes, or pain points.

This is about growth through experimentation, curiosity, & gentle iteration.

There are practices that help us map a different path in the woods.

Our own paths.

The following posts are the practices that have helped me create a more enjoyable trail.

Some of them may seem like “fluffy” bullshit, but they work for me.

No one can tell you what path to check out, because not everything works for everyone.

But everything’s worth a shot, eh? Challenge yourself to try something new, even if it sounds silly.

Awareness is just the beginning – now we learn how to blaze trails.

If you’re up for it: pick one trail – old or new – and just notice where it leads this week. No pressure to fix anything. Just notice.

And if you want to follow along as I share my experiences with some of these ‘fluffy bullshit’ practices, hit subscribe – the next few posts are going to get weird, and I’d love the company.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Shadow Work for Skeptics

zen

Because your demons don’t knock – and they’re not going away.

As excited as I was to write this post…I had a hell of a time with it.

Not because it’s emotionally heavy or because I’ve studied Jung – but because my take on it differs a bit from the standard one…

The Stuff We Keep Stuffing Into the Basement

Typically, the shadows & demons are the “unacceptable” aspects of your psyche that you bury to be able to carry on in a socially acceptable manner throughout your life – your rage, your fear, your sadness…

Things you were conditioned early on to hide from the world through your upbringing, your culture, religion, gender roles…

Things that tend to pop out in other unpleasant ways – sarcasm, harsh judgment of others, controlling behavior…

And, while I do agree with that sentiment, I think it goes far beyond that.

They can hide beneath many of the struggles I’ve been writing about these past few weeks – grief, anxiety, trauma, restlessness, addictions, daydreaming – and more.

They’re the thoughts, emotions, wounds, and patterns that refuse to stay buried.

The things we try not to feel, acknowledge, or understand.

The things that keep returning until we pay attention.

Though, the shadow isn’t always dark.

Sometimes it’s creativity that was mocked. Vulnerability that wasn’t safe. Assertiveness that was labeled selfish. Joy that felt irresponsible.

Sometimes the things we bury aren’t ugly at all.

The Mirror You Don’t Recognize

They can manifest in a variety of ways, and for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes for no obvious reason.

Something might trigger you. Someone’s judgment of you might hit harder than expected. You notice yourself chasing your tail. Nightmares. Fantasies.

They can be like an unrecognizable mirror – your past bleeding into the present.

Or they can just be an ominous feeling that you can’t shake.

For me (yup, getting really real here)…

It’s often a crushing feeling that I’m a hopelessly fucked up failure who disappoints everyone around me.

While I’m perfectly aware that these are “just” intrusive thoughts, fed by shitty, estranged family members who are in no position to judge… I can’t help but be afflicted by them occasionally.

Sometimes these shadows visit when I’m trying to fall asleep – all my perceived catastrophic failings as a caregiver, all my senseless guilt – sneak up & grab me by the throat.

Sometimes they visit my husband in his dreams, where innocent memories get distorted into horrific trauma. Which is, of course, incredibly disorienting.

Pull Up a Chair

This discontent is merely an invitation to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

“What you resist persists; what you accept transforms.” – Carl Jung

Demons will always pop out of the shadows – it’s wise to invite them to tea because they refuse to be turned away for long. They have their reasons.

They always retreat eventually anyway, but the purpose of sitting with them is to get to know them – what they are & why, what they need you to learn or know, & how to proceed when they go back into hiding.

They’re not shameful – everyone has their own, though many pretend they don’t & then chase their tails into purgatory.

They’re there to remind you, to humble you, to keep you compassionate & growing.

You don’t have to agree with them.

You don’t have to obey them.

But you might learn something by listening.

It’s a lifelong process of wholeness – enjoy the journey without the destination in mind.

“Make love to your darkness until it sighs in relief. You can’t heal what you won’t let howl.” – Christopher Sexton

The tea isn’t for them.

It’s for you.

Shadow work isn’t a one-time breakthrough. It’s a standing invitation – and the door’s always open.

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop running. And if you’re new here – subscribe. We go to uncomfortable places, and we bring snacks (and tea).

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)

zen

On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.

Or bored.

They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.

All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.

Let’s talk about coping.

The good, bad, & ugly.

Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)

Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.

But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.

People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.

They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.

There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :

doomscrolling
binge watching mindless bullshit
maladaptive daydreaming
constant stimulation
porn
alcohol
gaming
obsessive crushes
fantasy lives
shopping
productivity obsession

Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :

“functional” escapism
overworking
endless podcasts/videos
compulsive self-help
obsessive planning
internet rabbit holes

None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.

Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.

Everyone has a vice.

Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.

Fantasy as Survival

There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.

Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.

It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.

It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.

Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.

The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**

The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.

I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.

Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.

I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.

It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.

I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.

Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food

I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.

In reality, you can be addicted to anything.

My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”

Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.

Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.

But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.

Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..

Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.

Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.

Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You

Some coping mechanisms protect us.

Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.

The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.

The point is awareness.

Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.

What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Bored, Lonely, & Looking for Something to Be Pissed Off About

zen

Why You’re Always Irritated When Nothing Is Actually Wrong

What’s left when you’re not actively drowning in grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression?

You find yourself still restless & uncomfortable, scrolling endlessly or binge watching The Office for the 436th time just to avoid staring at the wall.

Cranky. Mopey. Mentally busy, but just spinning in circles.

Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels right…

So you start looking for things to be pissed off about (did you see whatever political dumpster fire is trending this week?!?)

The funny look you got from your friend seemed more judgy than it really was.

Maybe you have no patience for the driver in front of you still sitting at the green light (”are you blind?! GO!”)

I do this shit too.

If your life doesn’t have a real problem, your brain will find one (or make one up out of nowhere).

Manufactured Problems

Beyond myself, I’ve watched this pattern in my favorite people…

My high school sweetie was passionately into politics, long before smartphones were a thing. Which would be fine if it didn’t make him so irate that he’d hardly talk about anything else.

My ex fiance used to troll the fuck out of anybody he could in every MMORPG he ever played. Ever.

My “old friend” used to yell at the entirety of Twitter on a routine basis.

My husband seems to love doom scrolling Google articles in search of things to be pissed off about (Musk > Hochul > Trump).

Doom scrolling war, politics, outrage…

Ragebait posts, comment sections swirling with turmoil…

Getting emotionally invested in things you can’t (or won’t) do anything about.

You find yourself with an “I can’t believe this is happening!” energy but no outlet.

Taking things too personally when you misunderstand the intent behind a loved one’s innocent comment.

Beating yourself up for not doing the dishes.

Everything becomes a trigger.

If your life is calm, your brain will outsource chaos.

Maybe you borrow it from the internet, maybe from the people you love.

Just to feel something.

The Mechanism

You’ve found yourself in an undeniable loop.

Bored? You crave stimulation.

Restless? You have too much mental energy floating around, looking for something to cling to.

Lonely? You feel a lack of genuine connection to other people.

Catalysts for internal chaos.

You get irritable, searching for targets.

You overreact or fixate to things that don’t ultimately matter.

And then you feel even worse.

Rinse & repeat.

You’re not reacting to reality – you’re reacting to the absence of meaning.

Why Your Mind Starts Turning On You

Loneliness

You can definitely be literally surrounded by people, even people you love, & still feel lonely as fuck.

It’s not just a matter of being alone.

It’s a matter of real connection – people who you can process life with, & enjoy intelligent conversations with.

Having clubbin’ friends in your twenties or a breakfast club in retirement really doesn’t automatically create connection.

Chit chat doesn’t equate support.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of being alone with themselves.

So they fill their lives with surface interactions.

And when you’re disconnected, your mind gets louder.

And less accurate.

Boredom & Restlessness

No goals, no intentional direction.

You tell yourself you’re “relaxing”. But if you’re honest… you’re mostly just killing time.

But time isn’t neutral – it can shape your mental state.

An idle mind doesn’t stay idle – it’s always searching.

The Dopamine Junk Food You Keep Eating

Boredom leads us to chasing easy stimulation in the form of consuming trite bullshit on the internet, or scrolling for quick lols.

Loneliness does the same.

You’re not actually looking for happiness – you’re looking for something to break the monotony.

But those short term dopamine hits don’t create lasting meaning in your life.

Here’s the Ugly Truth

Nothing catastrophic is happening, but your internal state is deteriorating.

Give your mind nothing meaningful to do, and it will create something meaningless to obsess over.

You don’t need a crisis to feel miserable.

This is all very human, but it’s not random.

Even if nothing is wrong, you may not be building anything that feels right.

Your environment may be fine. But maybe your inputs aren’t.

Escape Routes

When we get bored & lonely, we cope.

We distract ourselves, numb out from the dullness, fantasize about a “better” reality…

So you find ways to escape it all. Most of us do.

And that’s where things start to get interesting…

This is part of an ongoing series. Part two gets into escape routes, for better & worse – not in a “have you tried gratitude journaling” way. Subscribe if you want it.

And tell me: what does your brain fixate on when life gets too quiet? Comments are open.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

No Such Thing as Resolved Grief

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Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)

The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone

You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.

You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.

You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?

Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…

The Way Grief Really Moves

Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.

You never really “get over it”.

It comes in waves throughout your life.

It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…

Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.

Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.

It never seems to fully end.

Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…

maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.

You’re Grieving More Than You Realize

I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.

I learned a lot.

One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…

It comes from a sense of loss in general.

That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.

Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.

And it sucks just as much.

When It Doesn’t Fade

Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.

Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.

Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.

For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.

It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.

It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…

Where This Hit Me

The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.

It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.

And then it just didn’t stop.

It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.

Things I hadn’t thought about in years.

And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:

everyone leaves me.

Not always in the same way.

Not always all at once.

But eventually… they’re gone.

And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.

I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”

And the only answer I could land on was this:

I was still grieving.

Not just one thing.

A lot of things.

And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.

It feels older than that.

Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…

I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.

Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.

But…why now?!?

There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning

For me, it was spurred by stress.

And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.

It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.

It’s a survival mechanism.

A painful one, but…

The Truth We Avoid

Some things don’t get tied up neatly.

There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”

And that’s a bitch to accept.

Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.

That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.

But a lot of things don’t work like that.

Some things stay.

Not as sharp. Not as constant.

But still there.

You don’t get over it.

You learn to live with it.

And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.

It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.

It evolves with you.

And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.

The way you see people.

The way you love.

The way you hold onto things that matter.

Maybe even the way you create.

Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.

But because it became part of you.

And you learned how to carry it differently.

Some things don’t leave you empty.

They leave something behind.

Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.

And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.

So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.

Maybe the healing never quite ends.

And Then There’s This…

What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.

When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…

we’ll get to that next week. 💚

It’s not random. And it’s not just you.

There’s a reason it still lives in you.

If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.

Or just sit with it for a while.

Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Functional Depression & Anxiety: Why You Feel Off But Keep Going

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Something is off (but hard to explain)

You know the feeling when something just feels…off?

Not dramatic, not urgent, just…not right.

You can still function – show up, get things done, carry on with life.

But it all feels heavier than it should.

Or you feel disconnected from…everything.

Nobody else can tell anything’s “not right”.

You’re doing what ya gotta do. You’re “fine”.

But it takes more out of you than it should.

You just go through the motions & routines of each day, not fully present, not really absorbing the moments.

Days blur together. Memories don’t quite stick.

Then you’ll have a good day, or a better day, and you think everything’s ok. You breathe the fresh air, go for a walk, hold a genuinely content smile…

And then it drops again.

So you start to question yourself – what’s really going on here?

And the cycle continues.

You end up feeling restless but stuck. Tired, but wired. Numb but overwhelmed.

Life becomes about just getting through the day. Or the hour. Or the moment…

There’s a reason this feels this way

This isn’t random. This isn’t you failing at life.

I experience this in my own ways, and I’ve spent a long time trying to understand it.

Often, you’re “just” stressed the fuck out. And when you’re stressed the fuck out, your body releases a chemical called cortisol.

Cortisol is helpful in short bursts because it’s purpose is to protect you, but it’s not meant to stay elevated.

Sometimes your nervous system speeds up, causing restlessness & anxious energy.

Sometimes it slows down, causing a heavy & shut-down feeling.

One pushes, the other pulls back.

And they cycle. As much as they feel the need to.

Your mind can get to the point of prioritizing getting through the moment over thinking clearly – and survival over presence.

Relief Without Hype

You’re not broken – you’re overwhelmed.

Your brain is trying to protect you, not break you.

This is what many people experience as depression & anxiety. They’re two sides of the same coin in my experience – even when only one is more obvious, the other is lurking.

Not broken. Not failing.

Overwhelmed. Depleted. Stuck in a loop your brain learned.

Everyone experiences some version of this, to varying degrees – there’s a spectrum, just like anything in life. Nothing is ever truly black & white.

It becomes a problem when it starts interfering with your ability to live your life. But you don’t need to hit a breaking point to take it seriously.

Have compassion for yourself – Understanding can change how you see it; labeling it can soften it. When you can put a name to it, it starts to lose some of its power.

You don’t need to justify how you feel…

Patterns like this don’t come out of nowhere – your mind learned them for a reason, even if you can’t fully see why yet.

Some things stay with you—experiences, stress, grief.

Even when they fade into the background, they don’t disappear.

And sooner or later, they surface.

Not randomly. Not out of nowhere.

There’s always a reason.

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not broken.

It makes sense.

Stick around.

We’re going to keep making sense of it – one layer at a time.

If this hit something for you, I’d love to hear – what part of this felt the most familiar?

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

If You Feel Stuck in Life, Start Here…

zen

You’ve Probably Tried This Already

I’ve spent an awful lot of time consuming “self-help” information throughout my life.

I even jumped headfirst into every psych-related class I could find the first time I went to college, and I loved every second of it.

One of my favorite books at the time was Bus 9 to Paradise (which is basically some guy’s gratitude journal).

A lot of this stuff is interesting.

But a lot of it ultimately feels like bullshit.

Am I wrong?

The Loop (and Why It Doesn’t Break)

So, a lot of people do this.

You read, you experiment, you feel no different. And the cycle continues.

You end up feeling run down, pissed off, depressed, anxious, hedonistic… And then you feel pretty good, confident, content… And then… the cycle continues.

We don’t need more noise – we need direction.

What We’re Actually Doing Here

After my regularly scheduled “Where I’m At” post next week, I’m going to start digging into this.

Not surface-level fixes. Not pretty routines.

The real stuff.

We’re going to look at the darker corners – depression, anxiety, grief, trauma – and the ways we cope with them (not all helpful, not all harmless).

From having tea (or a beer) with your shadows & demons, to things like mindful (Epicurean) hedonism and tantric philosophy…

This is about figuring out what actually helps – and what just keeps you stuck.

I promise it’ll be an interesting journey!

Start Here

If you feel stuck, stick around – I have a lot of thoughts 😜

Pick a starting point. Don’t stay stuck.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Self-Love Without the Cringe: A 7-Day Journaling Reset

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Since February is the season of love, I thought I’d write a focused series of posts throughout the month. Don’t worry, they’re not the typical bullshit. I’m thinking self love, romanticizing your life, long term relationships, and “weird” relationships… everything with a bit of a “twist”. 💚 Stay with me here…

Reframing February

The concept of self-love feels lame because it became performative, sanitized, and dishonest – Insta-worthy bubble baths & all that shit. It isn’t lame on its own, but the way it’s portrayed certainly is.

February doesn’t need more aesthetic self-care “advice”.

This post is intended as a humane, grounded, and lived-in reset.

Self love about staying with yourself, not futile attempts toward fixing yourself at the spa.

What “Self-Love” Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Self-love is something I choose when my mind is consumed with perceived chaos.

Self-care is something I do. It’s an act of self love (When Life Gets Chaotic, Practice Self Care).

Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment – it shows up later as steadiness, clarity, or less self-abandonment.

It lives in the thoughts you repeat about yourself – all of yourself.

Sometimes you have to say “fuck you” to your self depreciating bullshit and choose yourself anyway.

The “Self-Love Is Cringe” Problem

The cringe associated with it is a social survival reflex.

Just as much as we’re pressured by the media to indulge in often frivolous acts of self care, we’re also pressured to “hustle, grind, rewind” – push through & ignore anything that gets in the way.

Growing up, caring openly often wasn’t “safe” for me. Especially considering all of the grief my mother’s family has dealt with (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast) – I was raised (as I know most of us are) to ignore my feelings & push through tough situations. Which, at times, can be beneficial. But it catches up to us all eventually.

“Softness” wasn’t modeled for most of us – for better and worse.

Avoiding self-love isn’t laziness – it’s conditioning.

Shadow Integration: The Part We Avoid Naming

Self-love isn’t about erasing our shadows – It’s about integrating them so that they stop running the show from the background.

I try hard to let myself work with what I usually keep hidden, through my writing, my artwork & crafts, and journaling. When something is making me feel uncomfortable, I often ask myself why, and what positive & productive things can I do with this?

Self-love is choosing presence over avoidance.

Journaling as a Nervous System Practice

Journaling can be a great way to practice presence and soothe your nervous system – It’s a place to contain & converse with your demons when needed, and stay with yourself while you figure everything out.

There’s something about handwriting such that I personally I would suggest using an analog journal over digital – it forces you to slow down & examine your thoughts completely. Whatever method you choose is up to you of course, for the sake of privacy if nothing else. It doesn’t need to be seen by anyone but you.

It isn’t about writing well, it’s about maintaining presence. A sentence or two is enough if that’s all you have the time or energy for on any given day.

The 7-Day Self-Love Journaling Experiment Overview

On the topic of journaling, I’d like to invite you to try a quick little experiment!

The purpose of this experiment is to slow your nervous system, build trust with yourself, and create a place to land your chaos.

Day one will contain the whole practice, while the following days are optional expansions – so even one day counts!

If you miss a day: Nothing is ruined. Come back when you’re ready.

And remember – Self-love isn’t about consistency, it’s about returning to who the fuck you are.

Day 1: The Self-Love Letter

Write a letter to you as though you’re an outside observer who knows your personal history. No positivity performing, no shaming, no fixing.

Start by naming your current emotional state without judgment, just as a basis to understand the tone of the letter if you were to read it months from now.

Then reflect on the challenging situations you’ve dealt with in your life, being sure to acknowledge your resilience and any lessons you’ve learned or personality strengths you’ve gained through those experiences.

Express gratitude for your growth where it feels appropriate – Gratitude is acknowledgment, not unfounded praise.

Develop some affirmations if you’d like – Affirmations are for orientation, they’re not always hype. (Some fun examples – “I am a badass”, “Be yourself, fuck all”, “Live vibrantly”, or “Alchemize the fire within”.)

Skip anything that feels forced.

Days 2–7: Optional Expansions

Day 2: Naming Without Fixing

(Presence & containment)

Today is about noticing, not solving. Naming something doesn’t make it bigger — it makes it clearer.

What emotions keep resurfacing lately, even when you try to ignore them?
If you weren’t required to “do anything” about them, what would they want you to know?
What are you already doing to survive this season of life, even if it doesn’t look impressive?

Day 3: The Parts You Keep Private

(Shadow integration, gently)

This is for the things you don’t usually say out loud. You don’t need to like these parts. Just let them exist on the page.

What part of yourself do you tend to hide because it feels inconvenient, messy, or “too much”?
When did you first learn that this part wasn’t welcome?
How might this part be trying to protect you, even imperfectly?

Day 4: Slowing the Nervous System

Write slowly today. Let your body lead. This can be a list. Or a single sentence. Or a deep breath and a word.

How does your body feel right now — not metaphorically, literally?
What helps you feel even 5% more settled?
What does “good enough” look like today?

Day 5: Identity, Mood, and Self-Trust

(Who you are when you’re not performing)

Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do, like, or need that doesn’t make sense to anyone else?
What parts of your identity feel most stable right now?

Day 6: Boundaries as Care

(Self-love in action)

Think structure, not restriction – Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re containment.

Where do you feel most drained lately?
What boundary (time, space, energy, emotional) would support you right now?
What’s one small way you already protect yourself — even if it’s imperfect?

Day 7: Staying With Yourself

(Integration & closure)

Let’s close the loop without pressure. You don’t have to carry this perfectly – just honestly.

What did you learn about yourself this week?
Where did you show up for yourself, even quietly?
What would it look like to continue “staying” with yourself moving forward?

Lived Authority

As much as I love my family, I protect my morning routine ruthlessly. It’s become a very firm boundary that I maintain in my daily life. Otherwise, I find myself buried under other people in my ears, demanding my attention, all day long.

My morning routine is forced space for other things that are important to me such as reading, writing, movement, & meditation.

Self-love often looks like structured self care – Not indulgence, but an intentional nervous system reset.

Ultimately, for me, it’s a boundary for my family and for me.

Utilizing self-love and practicing self-care during genuinely challenging seasons taught me something important: I can endure chaos. And I can come out prouder, steadier, and more confident on the other side.

It’s about staying with myself.

This isn’t a prescription. It’s an invitation.

You’re the only person you’ll live with your entire life, so you’re allowed to honor yourself.

Self-love doesn’t need to be cringe.

And journaling is a real, usable resource.

If this resonated, you might try one sentence in a notebook tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Returning counts.

If you want more grounded practices like this, feel free to subscribe to my blog – no hype, no fixing, just honest tools for staying with yourself.

Stay tuned for more “offbeat” love related topics this February!

And if you share this post, make sure to pass it to someone who hates ‘self-love’ content. 😉

Rock on! 💚🤘