emotional healing – zen BLITZ

The People Who Shape Us Never Truly Leave

On heartbreak, lemons, and the people who leave fingerprints on who you become.

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi

Why I’m Writing This

I know I mention him occasionally, but I haven’t written a post about the “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore” in a while. And he’s been on my mind a bit lately so I figured fuck it, eh?

(Yes I’m procrastinating on the series I’ve been working through, how did you know?!? 😆)

The Gas Station

For those who haven’t picked up on any backstory, here’s a bit of it…

He came into the gas station I worked at one day, & we instantly connected. It wasn’t just a physical attraction… It felt like we’d known each other for decades instead of moments. Like, bizarre, but beautiful.

On & off for a few years, we grew really close. Like, best friends who kinda wanted to make out but never had a proper opportunity to. We’d vent to each other, hug for longer than friends “should”, and support each other emotionally as much as we possibly could. We both valued each other’s perspectives & opinions, and each other’s company.

But he was, in his own words, “moody”. He also, in his own words, had the tendency to distance himself when he wasn’t feeling quite right (who doesn’t, eh?) And so one day we got into an argument that I still don’t understand, and he stopped talking to me. Inevitably, I’m quite sure I said something stupid or unclear which freaked him out, which freaked me out, which perpetuated the freaking out until he walked away. Cuz…humans. I’ll probably never know why he wasn’t willing to work it out once our emotions cooled & we’d gotten some perspective on the whole thing, which sucks beyond words. But it is what it is. We both carried on with our lives just fine.

No Villains Here

He broke my heart. Worse than anyone ever has. But he’s certainly not the villain of the story. Neither of us are.

The good far outweighed the bad (in my eyes at least). Which certainly doesn’t make either of us a hero either. Just uniquely beautiful humans.

We were both dealing with a lot in our own personal lives back then – neither of us were in the best mindset.

The timing just wasn’t right, I suppose.

Side note : I’m really struggling with this post, to be honest… The magnitude of our friendship can’t really be put into words. Nor the heartbreak I felt. I’m trying though, without getting too poetic about it 😅

The Receipts of Loving Him

This isn’t really just a post about some super awesome dude who I’m grateful to have loved – It’s to prove the case that you can always gain something, even when you lose something.

There was a lot of love there. A LOT. Mutual respect, trust, adoration…you name it. He meant a lot to me. And he still does. In a lot of ways, he helped shape the woman I grew into since knowing him.

I learned a lot from him. Here’s just a few notable ideas…

Grief is cyclical. I know this because of my mom, but because of him too. I’ll forget about his existence for a period of time, & then he suddenly pops into my mind. The trail never completely grows over, but I learn a little more every time I choose walk it.

Be yourself, fuck all. He carried himself & spoke with such confidence & often flawless articulation, and I admired the shit out of that at the time – I was in my 20’s & absolutely riddled with anxiety despite my extremely social career choice. I don’t think he felt that way about himself, but it inspired the fuck out of me.

Growth never ends. He challenged my perspectives at times, & always pushed me gently to be a little better. I’ve always been one to welcome a worthwhile challenge.

You never know who you’ll connect with if you stay open to the possibilities. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, especially in the jobs I’ve had, and I’ve gotten to know & love a little bit of a lot of them. But I always kept them at some distance, because of my “shadows”. He did too. But when life was throwing lemons in his face, he turned to me, and I was happy to try to help him make some lemonade.

Resilience. Bushels of lemons got thrown at him in pretty quick succession, & he was really having a hard time with it. It’s exhausting; I know. He rode the waves with as much grace as anyone possibly could, & I admired the shit out of that. He never gave up, never gave in, never fully lost himself in the process. And neither will I.

When you believe in someone, they can accomplish beautiful things. I felt like he believed that I was more capable than I felt I was with a lot of things…which helped me learn how to believe in myself. And that led me to accomplish some of the more important things in my life, such as working in the ER.

Money ain’t shit – It’s never worth it to work a job you hate. He hated his job. He worked in law enforcement, so I don’t blame him. He said he got into it “because he knew he could”; I thought “I could’ve been a prostitute, but that doesn’t mean I should.” 😆 Money flows like water – here one day & gone the next, back again a year later. Such is life. It’s not worth it to waste your precious time on this planet loathing everything for 40 hours a week – don’t do things that suck the vitality straight outta your soul.

And love. I honestly felt like he was my second ”true love” in life, & my first one as an adult. Even though we never dated. So here’s some things I learned on that note, in no particular order…

There can be a tremendously enriching essence of genuine love in every dynamic of relationship, if you live passionately and with curiosity.
When you love someone, you don’t turn your back on them, especially if things are rough, & even if you’re hurt. I’d told him more than once that I’ll always be here, & as long as I’m on the right side of the dirt, I always will.
Love requires sight of & acceptance of both the light & dark in another. No reason to hide – those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
Once you truly love someone, you never fully stop loving them. Ever. Is that a foolish perspective? I don’t think so. When I grow to truly love someone, there are reasons. Good fucking reasons. Short of abuse, there’s no reason for those reasons to become invalid.
If an overthinker says they love you, believe them – they’ve thought of every reason not to. Amen.

Love Changes Shape

The people we love, friends or family or some inspiring stranger with a guitar, can become part of our inner landscape. Even when they’re gone, their influence doesn’t disappear – it changes form. It becomes a part of the way we think, create, encourage others, and navigate our own lives.

All that I gained from knowing him while I did passes on through how I interact with & support the other people in my life. That friendship wasn’t for nothing – in a lot of ways, it saved me.

“even grief has honey in its mouth … have I loved it completely while it was here? … worship the miracle that it happened at all” – Christopher Sexton

I’ll challenge you with how he challenged me (because it’s definitely worthwhile) : take care of yourself, help others, live well, & stay weird. 🖤🪷

Some people aren’t meant to stay forever.

Maybe they’re meant to become part of the foundation you build the rest of your life on.

If you’ve ever had someone who changed you long after they left, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

What gift did they leave behind?

I’m not kidding, drop them in the comments. I read every one.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

No Such Thing as Resolved Grief

zen

Why Grief Doesn’t End (And What That Actually Means)

The Part That Doesn’t Stay Gone

You’re fine for a while. Sometimes, for years.

You hadn’t thought about the thing at all. Or, if you have, you’ve viewed it with the wisdom only time can serve.

You thought you were “over it” – Time heals all wounds…right?

Then it sneaks up and kicks your knees out…

The Way Grief Really Moves

Grief isn’t linear – it’s cyclical.

You never really “get over it”.

It comes in waves throughout your life.

It doesn’t always make sense, but sometimes it does…

Times of stress can set your mind into a whirlwind.

Even if you can rationally understand what’s going on, often it just doesn’t make sense emotionally.

It never seems to fully end.

Maybe the problem isn’t that you haven’t resolved it…

maybe grief isn’t something that fully resolves.

You’re Grieving More Than You Realize

I took a class called “Loss, Grief, & Coping” a million years ago because I wanted to evaluate my own process after my mom passed away – I wanted to know if I “grieved appropriately” with as little support as I had.

I learned a lot.

One major realization was that grief doesn’t come just from someone you love dying…

It comes from a sense of loss in general.

That can mean losing a job or a home, a relationship or even a friendship ending, people walking out of your life without closure, losing versions of yourself, or even missed opportunities.

Lately I’m realizing I can even grieve things that never got the chance to happen.

And it sucks just as much.

When It Doesn’t Fade

Sometimes that loss, and the grief that follows, can create trauma.

Though, of course, sometimes trauma can create grief.

Trauma is, simply put, an event that overwhelmed you when it happened.

For me, it’s been caused by sudden loss, abandonment, & emotional intensity with no closure.

It created a sense of loss in itself – of safety, or innocence, or stability.

It creates internal shifts, not just haunting memories…

Where This Hit Me

The past year or so, I’ve been dealing with a lot of things from my past jumping out of the closets I’d stuffed them in.

It started when I was randomly reminded of an old friend… and somehow that turned into memories of when my mom died.

And then it just didn’t stop.

It just kept going – pulling up other losses, other moments, other people.

Things I hadn’t thought about in years.

And somewhere in the middle of that, this thought started to settle in:

everyone leaves me.

Not always in the same way.

Not always all at once.

But eventually… they’re gone.

And most of the time, there’s no real resolution.

I remember thinking “What the fuck is going on – Why is all of this coming on right now?!?”

And the only answer I could land on was this:

I was still grieving.

Not just one thing.

A lot of things.

And the weirdest part is… it doesn’t feel like it has much to do with now.

It feels older than that.

Like I’m not just reacting to what’s in front of me…

I’m reacting to everything that never got finished.

Like I’m trying to comfort past versions of myself that never really got the closure I needed.

But…why now?!?

There’s a Reason It Keeps Returning

For me, it was spurred by stress.

And our brains tend to follow pathways they’ve learned naturally in the past, for the sake of preparing for or avoiding shitty situations.

It’s not weakness, or regression, or failure.

It’s a survival mechanism.

A painful one, but…

The Truth We Avoid

Some things don’t get tied up neatly.

There’s no perfect closure. No clean ending. No moment where you can say, “ok, moving on now.”

And that’s a bitch to accept.

Because we’re taught that healing means resolution.

That if you do the work, feel your feelings, give it enough time… eventually it will stop hurting.

But a lot of things don’t work like that.

Some things stay.

Not as sharp. Not as constant.

But still there.

You don’t get over it.

You learn to live with it.

And not just once – but over and over again, in different ways, at different stages of your life.

It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does change.

It evolves with you.

And somewhere in that process, it starts to shape you.

The way you see people.

The way you love.

The way you hold onto things that matter.

Maybe even the way you create.

Not because it was “worth it.” Not because it needed to happen.

But because it became part of you.

And you learned how to carry it differently.

Some things don’t leave you empty.

They leave something behind.

Not closure, but pieces of what mattered.

And sometimes, that’s what you carry forward.

So maybe healing isn’t about finishing it at all.

Maybe the healing never quite ends.

And Then There’s This…

What about when nothing is actively wrong, and the past is quietly relaxing in the background, but…something still feels off.

When you’re still feeling restless, on edge, or empty…

we’ll get to that next week. 💚

It’s not random. And it’s not just you.

There’s a reason it still lives in you.

If this hit something you don’t usually talk about… share it with someone who might need it too.

Or just sit with it for a while.

Either way, you’re not the only one carrying this.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

If You Feel Stuck in Life, Start Here…

zen

You’ve Probably Tried This Already

I’ve spent an awful lot of time consuming “self-help” information throughout my life.

I even jumped headfirst into every psych-related class I could find the first time I went to college, and I loved every second of it.

One of my favorite books at the time was Bus 9 to Paradise (which is basically some guy’s gratitude journal).

A lot of this stuff is interesting.

But a lot of it ultimately feels like bullshit.

Am I wrong?

The Loop (and Why It Doesn’t Break)

So, a lot of people do this.

You read, you experiment, you feel no different. And the cycle continues.

You end up feeling run down, pissed off, depressed, anxious, hedonistic… And then you feel pretty good, confident, content… And then… the cycle continues.

We don’t need more noise – we need direction.

What We’re Actually Doing Here

After my regularly scheduled “Where I’m At” post next week, I’m going to start digging into this.

Not surface-level fixes. Not pretty routines.

The real stuff.

We’re going to look at the darker corners – depression, anxiety, grief, trauma – and the ways we cope with them (not all helpful, not all harmless).

From having tea (or a beer) with your shadows & demons, to things like mindful (Epicurean) hedonism and tantric philosophy…

This is about figuring out what actually helps – and what just keeps you stuck.

I promise it’ll be an interesting journey!

Start Here

If you feel stuck, stick around – I have a lot of thoughts 😜

Pick a starting point. Don’t stay stuck.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻