On heartbreak, lemons, and the people who leave fingerprints on who you become.
“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi
Why I’m Writing This
I know I mention him occasionally, but I haven’t written a post about the “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore” in a while. And he’s been on my mind a bit lately so I figured fuck it, eh?
(Yes I’m procrastinating on the series I’ve been working through, how did you know?!? 😆)
The Gas Station
For those who haven’t picked up on any backstory, here’s a bit of it…
He came into the gas station I worked at one day, & we instantly connected. It wasn’t just a physical attraction… It felt like we’d known each other for decades instead of moments. Like, bizarre, but beautiful.
On & off for a few years, we grew really close. Like, best friends who kinda wanted to make out but never had a proper opportunity to. We’d vent to each other, hug for longer than friends “should”, and support each other emotionally as much as we possibly could. We both valued each other’s perspectives & opinions, and each other’s company.
But he was, in his own words, “moody”. He also, in his own words, had the tendency to distance himself when he wasn’t feeling quite right (who doesn’t, eh?) And so one day we got into an argument that I still don’t understand, and he stopped talking to me. Inevitably, I’m quite sure I said something stupid or unclear which freaked him out, which freaked me out, which perpetuated the freaking out until he walked away. Cuz…humans. I’ll probably never know why he wasn’t willing to work it out once our emotions cooled & we’d gotten some perspective on the whole thing, which sucks beyond words. But it is what it is. We both carried on with our lives just fine.
No Villains Here
He broke my heart. Worse than anyone ever has. But he’s certainly not the villain of the story. Neither of us are.
The good far outweighed the bad (in my eyes at least). Which certainly doesn’t make either of us a hero either. Just uniquely beautiful humans.
We were both dealing with a lot in our own personal lives back then – neither of us were in the best mindset.
The timing just wasn’t right, I suppose.
Side note : I’m really struggling with this post, to be honest… The magnitude of our friendship can’t really be put into words. Nor the heartbreak I felt. I’m trying though, without getting too poetic about it 😅
The Receipts of Loving Him
This isn’t really just a post about some super awesome dude who I’m grateful to have loved – It’s to prove the case that you can always gain something, even when you lose something.
There was a lot of love there. A LOT. Mutual respect, trust, adoration…you name it. He meant a lot to me. And he still does. In a lot of ways, he helped shape the woman I grew into since knowing him.
I learned a lot from him. Here’s just a few notable ideas…
Grief is cyclical. I know this because of my mom, but because of him too. I’ll forget about his existence for a period of time, & then he suddenly pops into my mind. The trail never completely grows over, but I learn a little more every time I choose walk it.
Be yourself, fuck all. He carried himself & spoke with such confidence & often flawless articulation, and I admired the shit out of that at the time – I was in my 20’s & absolutely riddled with anxiety despite my extremely social career choice. I don’t think he felt that way about himself, but it inspired the fuck out of me.
Growth never ends. He challenged my perspectives at times, & always pushed me gently to be a little better. I’ve always been one to welcome a worthwhile challenge.
You never know who you’ll connect with if you stay open to the possibilities. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, especially in the jobs I’ve had, and I’ve gotten to know & love a little bit of a lot of them. But I always kept them at some distance, because of my “shadows”. He did too. But when life was throwing lemons in his face, he turned to me, and I was happy to try to help him make some lemonade.
Resilience. Bushels of lemons got thrown at him in pretty quick succession, & he was really having a hard time with it. It’s exhausting; I know. He rode the waves with as much grace as anyone possibly could, & I admired the shit out of that. He never gave up, never gave in, never fully lost himself in the process. And neither will I.
When you believe in someone, they can accomplish beautiful things. I felt like he believed that I was more capable than I felt I was with a lot of things…which helped me learn how to believe in myself. And that led me to accomplish some of the more important things in my life, such as working in the ER.
Money ain’t shit – It’s never worth it to work a job you hate. He hated his job. He worked in law enforcement, so I don’t blame him. He said he got into it “because he knew he could”; I thought “I could’ve been a prostitute, but that doesn’t mean I should.” 😆 Money flows like water – here one day & gone the next, back again a year later. Such is life. It’s not worth it to waste your precious time on this planet loathing everything for 40 hours a week – don’t do things that suck the vitality straight outta your soul.
And love. I honestly felt like he was my second ”true love” in life, & my first one as an adult. Even though we never dated. So here’s some things I learned on that note, in no particular order…
- There can be a tremendously enriching essence of genuine love in every dynamic of relationship, if you live passionately and with curiosity.
- When you love someone, you don’t turn your back on them, especially if things are rough, & even if you’re hurt. I’d told him more than once that I’ll always be here, & as long as I’m on the right side of the dirt, I always will.
- Love requires sight of & acceptance of both the light & dark in another. No reason to hide – those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
- Once you truly love someone, you never fully stop loving them. Ever. Is that a foolish perspective? I don’t think so. When I grow to truly love someone, there are reasons. Good fucking reasons. Short of abuse, there’s no reason for those reasons to become invalid.
- If an overthinker says they love you, believe them – they’ve thought of every reason not to. Amen.
Love Changes Shape
The people we love, friends or family or some inspiring stranger with a guitar, can become part of our inner landscape. Even when they’re gone, their influence doesn’t disappear – it changes form. It becomes a part of the way we think, create, encourage others, and navigate our own lives.
All that I gained from knowing him while I did passes on through how I interact with & support the other people in my life. That friendship wasn’t for nothing – in a lot of ways, it saved me.
“even grief has honey in its mouth … have I loved it completely while it was here? … worship the miracle that it happened at all” – Christopher Sexton
I’ll challenge you with how he challenged me (because it’s definitely worthwhile) : take care of yourself, help others, live well, & stay weird. 🖤🪷
Some people aren’t meant to stay forever.
Maybe they’re meant to become part of the foundation you build the rest of your life on.
If you’ve ever had someone who changed you long after they left, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.
What gift did they leave behind?
I’m not kidding, drop them in the comments. I read every one.
Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻
zen BLITZ 