For those who don’t know, ALS runs heavily in my mother’s family. To the point where our genes are sought for study. It’s pretty scary.
Let me map out some of what little I actually know :
It comes from my mom’s dad’s family, traceable back as far as the late 1800’s when it was referred to as “creeping paralysis”.
My mom was the oldest of four girls, the middle two were twins : The youngest doesn’t carry the gene; the other three passed away, all from ALS, at around the ages of 35, 45, & 55.
The three sisters had a total of six kids between them, myself included. Out of those six, three have already passed away from ALS, most recently about two years ago now. I haven’t been tested for the gene, but my remaining cousins were & they do carry it.
Here’s two of many stories about about a couple of my cousins :
My odds probably aren’t great. But as long as I don’t get tested, there’s still a strange kind of hope in the uncertainty.
However, one of those remaining cousins was recently diagnosed with ALS. She’s only a couple years older than me, so…cue the amplified existential crisis.
I’m tired of being so rudely reminded of my mortality, as I’m sure were all of my ancestors before me.
I’m tired of all this grief, and fear.
That possible genetic time bomb has been ticking a little too loudly in my ear lately…
And I resent the fact that my family isn’t as close as it should be. It’s always been kind of sickening to me, because we all know that’s not the way it should be.
Shitty Instincts
For some reason, hearing this news makes me want to reach out to my old friend even more. (If you’ve been around a while, you’ve heard me mention him. And you may have heard me mention that I’ve tried reaching out to him, to no avail.)
Why.
Because I don’t wanna go out without resolution. Such unresolved tension. Especially since there’s no good reason for it in the first place.
And because I want his support; because sometimes he could be the most enlightening perspective in my life.
He was around when I first started learning more about the tragedy surrounding this gene, and he said to me one day, “seems you already count yourself among the dead”. Which wasn’t any more true then than it is now…
No One Makes It Out Alive
I don’t consider myself among the dead.
I consider myself among the cursed.
Cursed with immense loss & fear ingrained in my genetic code.
Cursed with being faced with the harshest of realities, such as the fact that no one’s there when all is done – ”In the end, you’re measured by how you treat the people closest to you“ – Ryan Holiday.
Cursed with shitty genes & a constant reminder of how short life can be.
But also immensely blessed with a sense of urgency that most people don’t realize until it’s too late. If they even get the chance.
All I can do is love my family, keep trying to live vibrantly, and keep trying to help others.
“Life is long, if you know how to use it” – Seneca
Celebrate life. Honor your ancestors.
If ALS has touched your family too, you already know the strange mix of grief, fear, and urgency that comes with it.
If you’re able, consider supporting ALS research – or simply reach out to someone you love today. None of us are promised tomorrow.
Click here to learn more about ALS or to donate toward finding a cure 👉 ALS Association
Quick note : Hi there! I do have another post I’m trying to write to go along with the “unusual” love posts I’ve shared this past month, but I have been sick as fuck. Like…fuuuck! And so has everyone else in my home. So, I’ve fallen a bit behind. I’ll try to get that out next week, pinky swear 😉
In the meantime….
It’s a sandwich.
“Where I’m At” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeah, I don’t know. I’m so thrown off right now, its not even funny. I’ll get back on track soon though. I’d like to plan some sort of family fun next month, be it bowling or a hotel visit, but we’ll see how everyone’s health goes, I suppose.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Bleh! I’m…less sick; but I have some surprising health concerns since I started getting sick, which I’m looking further into. And since getting sick, my diet & exercise…didn’t get put on the back burner, it got thrown right off the stove 🤪 So, I’m slowly working my way back into routines. My brain’s doing pretty good though, considering and despite almost crippling anxiety over said health surprises. Workin’ on it…lol
marriage : Things are good. We take good care of each other and the kiddos, so I’m perpetually grateful for that.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Bubby kicked BooBoo in the face & now one of her teeth are a tiny bit loose, but I’m hoping it’ll resituate itself (omg please!!!!!) (Dentist visit coming ASAP, FML!) (Is this what it’s like having siblings? Cuz I didn’t have any. LOL UGH). Just found out both girls have astigmatism, & BooBoo’s been complaining of headaches lately – so, assuming they’re not just from her sister kicking her in the face, we’re working on getting her glasses this week. And both girls keep getting crazy tummy sickness randomly – they’ll be fine for a couple days, & then in hell for a day (I’m glad whatever this bug is affects me & hubby differently than them, geez!) Otherwise…the girls are doing great!!! 😅
Yes, there’s a bounce house in my living room occasionally.That blur is BooBoo.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Due to sickness, school has been a little inconsistent. Still plowing through as best we can. BooBoo loves geography lately, and math. And Bubby’s gymnastics coaches are ready to throw her into the next level of classes because her skills are way too far beyond the level she’s forced into right now. She’s still enjoying it though 😊 Oh, AND she made a FRIEND!!! YAY!!!
zenBLITZ : As with diet & exercise, creativity has pretty much been thrown right off the stove the past couple weeks. I haven’t felt enough clarity to write, even when I try; and I haven’t had the energy to work on much else, though I did complete a couple of cool projects earlier this month (& I love them!!!) :
Completely handmade veg tan leather A6 “Traveler’s Notebook” cover (…I always fuck up the “B”! Ugh!)
Crochet spiral coaster
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Pfft! Everything’s fine, but… 😝 I had to cancel our annual crockpot party due to everyone feeling like death was upon them, so… Next month I’m planning to host an “Asian” themed dinner potluck – I’m thinking I’m gonna get some saki, sushi, order some unique snacks from Amazon, bust out all my cool chopsticks & nifty dinnerware from Wegmans, and bribe someone to pick up a couple meals from Taste of China (the best damn Chinese food I’ve ever had in my life!) So help me god, I don’t even care who’s sick, we’re having that party! 😆
(step) gramma : A new feature that I figured I’d add, because it’s proving to be a pretty important part of my life 🥰 – my step granddaughter!! We babysit her fairly often, & we love every second of it! She’s just over 6 months old now, & she’s very smiley & giggly & precious hehe. Both girls absolutely adore her, and BooBoo gets quite the kick out of making her giggle & feeding her her bottle.
Chiquita Banana
Currently
eating – Not much cuz FML I’m so sick of being sick…wah wah wah… 😂
drinking – Water. And tea. That’s about it. I haven’t even been drinking coffee (am I dying?!? LOL)
watching – YouTube. Lots & lots of YouTube.
reading – Still working on “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss
playing – The Sims. Bubby got me back into The Sims Freeplay on my phone. I don’t know why I get so obsessed.
buying – Oh boy. Hubby’s been on a bit of a spree this month. (I’ve been behaving, for the most part.) First, he made me buy a 6 foot bouncey ball from Vat19.com. Now he wants me to finally get him a pirate ship bounce house / water slide thing (which I’m not opposed to because he’s wanted one since before we even met, plus it’ll be fun in the summer, especially at parties.) And NOW he also wants to buy back the Roger Rabbit golf cart car his friend bought out from under him when we first got engaged. So, brace yourself for some interesting pictures this summer 🤣
listening to – Heaters. I’ve very much been enjoying as much peace & quiet as I can possibly get lately lol
celebrating – Life. That’s the best thing to celebrate. Especially despite the chaos of the world.
pinning – leatherworking, steampunk aesthetics, self care, & crochet
planning – Asian dinner party, potential adventure
Relationships are complicated because everyone is different – and so is every relationship.
Some people prefer to be alone. Some prefer to be in “open” relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Some prefer the cultural institution of marriage.
What does a marriage involve anyway? Perpetual devotion, walking hand in hand into the daily sunset until death do you part? Cooking holiday dinners side by side, year after year? Banging wildly every chance you get? Ideally, I suppose.
But every relationship has its ups & downs. We all go through phases in life, and we all change to some degree over time.
Same with the evolution of relationships. There’s the initial spark, the early electricity, the optimism of marriage, perhaps adding kids into the mix…burning out a bit. Let’s be real here, yeah? Life rolls in plenty of storms. Can your relationship weather the challenges?
It’s important to honor the fantastic, idealized picture you may have in your mind of the way things are “supposed” be, but it’s equally important to question that picture and consider how to integrate it into reality.
When Love Stops Being Cinematic
Some quick personal background info :
I’m the type for long term relationships – I dated my high school sweetheart on & off for 5 years, I was with my ex fiance for nearly 11 years, and I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years now.
I don’t really believe in marriage… even though I’ve been married for almost 7 years. I mean, I guess I kinda do believe in marriage (LOL), but I feel like society pressures us to get married. And I obviously think people tend to change too drastically for a 50 year marriage to be realistic. Just being honest.
I started studying long term relationships & tantra as a teenager – I’ve always known long term relationships require copious amounts of “work” to keep things interesting. My husband’s the same, though somewhat unintentionally.
Also, my husband was married for 30 years before he met me. Let’s not get into that shitstorm though…
I’m not an expert on anything. (No one is.)
With that said…
Relationships inevitably move from performance to presence.
Love quietly shifts from novelty to the liminal space of coexisting with another unique human being who you (hopefully) continue to admire, adore, and fight the battles of life with. Spontaneity sways back & forth with responsibility. Parenting, exhaustion, and life logistics reshape intimacy – What shape it takes is up to both of you.
Perhaps intimacy at a certain point needs to be viewed as enjoying the journey, not the destination.
That is tantra.
The Unsexy Truths That Actually Sustain Love
Life is short and everyone changes. That’s the unsexy truth, the harsh reality, and… the beauty of life.
I’m not the same person I was when I started dating my husband, and he’s not the same person either. (Are you the same person you were a decade ago? Not likely. Or possible.)
I’m now in my 40s. Despite my best efforts, I’m still about thirty pounds heavier than I was a decade ago (thanks, kids! 😂). Everything hurts & I’m perpetually exhausted. Mentally & physically.
He’s now in his 60’s. Doing pretty well for a “boomer” though! 🤣 He’s grown his hair out (to my dismay), and he’s a little wrinklier than he was – but still a handsome SOB! He now has arthritis, constant pain from the slipped discs in his neck, and he seems to be allergic to, well, everything. And he occasionally has some fairly minor mental health issues due to an old TBI (or 2…or 5), including sleep issues. In other words, his everything also hurts & he’s also perpetually exhausted.
Over time, your body changes, your energy levels shift, your mental health may veer a little sideways at times, and…desire overall changes form.
This is normal. This is to be expected. Staying grounded in that reality helps sustain the connection.
Redefining Erotic Energy
If you did the math, you can tell my husband’s a bit older than I am. Quite a bit.
Before we even started dating, we each dumped all of our baggage out for the other to decide if they really wanted to help carry it all. (We both have a lot of baggage, LOL!)
One of the things he mentioned was that, because of his age, his dick didn’t work that great anymore.
I told him, “I don’t need your dick hard to make love to you”.
Saying that, I knew one of two things would happen – either, like a fucking snake charmer, it would come to attention & get to work, OR, I would have to prove my point.
Spoiler alert – both happened. 😆
Side note – neither of our kids are “little blue pill babies”.
How?
Let me tell you…
Tantra.
When most people hear the word tantra, they envision fucking for hours on end. And while prolonged intimacy can be part of tantra, focusing only on sex completely misses the philosophy.
Tantra is about enjoying the journey, without focus on the destination.
This philosophy is relevant far beyond the bedroom. This is viewing life itself as erotic – seeking pleasure & joy in every moment, not just sexually. It’s about living vibrantly.
In a long term relationship (or marriage), that implies :
paying attention to each other’s subtle clues about how the other is feeling
maintaining playfulness (my husband likes to dance-vacuum naked sometimes, when the kids aren’t around of course 😜)
finding joy in simply spending time together
being present with that time together
maintaining curiosity about who we’re becoming as a couple and as individuals
being affectionate throughout the day without the agenda of turning each other on
and, perhaps most importantly, loving what’s in front of us instead of grieving what once was, emotionally & physically
We try to steal quick moments to shove our tongues down each others’ throats. Of course, the kids tend to rush in, wanting to turn it into a group hug situation. Bless their little souls lol.
We help each other around the house, even if the other says, “that’s ok, I got it”. “The fuck you do; what can I do to help?”
We laugh at everything we can. We sneak adventures in whenever we can (antique stores aren’t nearly as nerdy as I once thought!)
We constantly try to share interest in each other.
And, on the rare occasion that children, physical pain, or exhaustion aren’t killing the mood, we make love for as long as we possibly can.
It’s a lot of effort. But anything worth doing requires effort.
And that’s tantra – putting in the effort to maintain joy, for ourselves, and for each other.
The Grief No One Warns You About
Maintaining that effort by finding compassion for each other throughout challenging experiences is the true test of a long term relationship. Keeping up with communication is a major challenge, notably for me.
Life can throw any number of curveballs at any time – illness, injury, emotional distress, financial stress, and the list goes on.
I often find myself grieving a past version of my husband – exploding with vibrant vitality, optimism, compassion for others, and unadulterated ambition. A neon fucking light in the dark. And while that’s still him at his core, life’s curveballs have hit him in the balls a few times over the years. Mine too.
Part of me resents his not-so-gradual turn to pessimistic rumination & general distaste for the majority of humanity. But I get it. (Kind of.) Resentment can coexist with devotion, with some effort. I try to be a “smart wife” – understand what he’s going through, approach it with curiosity & compassion, and keep trying to steer him back toward his own neon fucking light. Without losing my own in the process.
We’re all constantly evolving, & that can be a struggle at times. Patience and trust are essential virtues within committed relationships, of any kind.
Choosing Love as a Practice Instead of a Feeling
Love isn’t always easy – Effort itself is a major act of devotion.
So, start now.
Who do you love? And what do you do to remind them that they’re loved?
You can only buy so many colorful bouquets & heart-shaped boxes of sugar once a year before the thought doesn’t count for much anymore.
And like in Green Day’s song “Redundant” – “When ‘I love you’s’ not enough, I’m lost for words”.
Take it up a notch.
Plan an unusual date night. Dress up & sing a song (especially if you can’t sing). Bust out the handcuffs (everyone has handcuffs, right?)
My Valentine’s gift for hubby this year is a jar full of love notes – reasons why I’d still marry him today. He can pull one out on a day when I maybe tell him to go fuck himself, and be reminded that an occasional shitshow doesn’t define our entire relationship.
Do something. Consider it intentional maintenance, because all relationships are ecosystems which require tending.
This is the first piece of his work that I was introduced to :
her creativity is my kink.
there’s nothing more seductive
than her
stripping down
to her original essence,
soaked in a feral flow state,
birthing galaxies from her genius.
i want her barefoot on the hardwood,
dancing in paint,
whispering poetry
to the sunrise,
paid in ecstasy
and eye contact
for simply being alive.
i want her calendar filled with nothing
but creation and kisses.
i’m building a world where
she doesn’t need to clock in because
her beauty already bends time.
i want to pay the bills
so she can pay attention
to the parts of her
this world taught her to abandon.
her job description?
bloom until the garden can’t
contain her.
her only responsibility?
reminding gravity
it can’t keep a woman like her
down.
her uniform?
poetry so naked
that truth feels overdressed.
her boss?
the rhythm of her breath.
her references?
the god that studied her heart
before creating
heaven.
the angels
birthed from the art
of her unedited expression.
her entire employment history
can be summed up in one line:
hired by life itself,
to remind every soul watching
that existence is
erotic.
she moans differently
when she’s dripping
in theta waves.
if i’m gonna be a provider,
let me provide her with overtime pay
to nap naked in the sunlight
on a thursday
while the wind writes love songs in her hair.
lingerie is cute and all,
but have you ever seen the lost art
of her unclenching her shoulders
and spreading open inside
her own limitlessness?
now.
that.
is.
fucking.
sexy.
If my husband were a writer, that’s what I know he would’ve written for me when we first got together. So reading that poem brings up a lot of feels.
It represents the ideal of being fully witnessed & adored.
That’s the “north star”.
Long term, love isn’t always living inside that ideal – but it can still orbit it.
Through the chaos of life & children, we make sure to show that we still see each other. We make sure we still give & take each other’s support, even if more imperfectly than before. And we make sure to maintain space in our lives for creativity & aliveness.
That’s the tantra.
Love as Evolution
People change, relationships change… Such is life. If we weren’t constantly changing, we wouldn’t constantly be growing. And that would be bad.
Change is good. “The only constant in life is change”, as Heraclitus said. Permanence is an illusion.
But to keep life enjoyable, you need to put in the work. And enjoy the work in the process.
Stay curious, especially with your loved ones, and stay real. That’s the only advice I can truly give.
Relationships don’t stay alive on autopilot. They stay alive through curiosity, humor, forgiveness, and effort.
If this resonated with you, take five minutes today to do something intentionally loving – for your partner, or for yourself.
What’s one small way you could nurture connection today?
And I’d love to hear your experience – what has long-term love taught you that no one warned you about?
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I’m pretty excited, actually 🫠 I’m hoping to get back into planning parties this year, starting with our annual Crockpot & Retro Video Games party this month. I think it’ll be fun. Homeschool planning & meal planning are done for the month, so…yippie. And we gotta pick a day to go bowling!
self : Doing…pretty good, lol. Winter has my whole body, especially my sinuses, pretty cranky – no humidifier is powerful enough for this shit! But I’m been maintaining my mindful diet (for the most part) & my exercise routines (which I altered to allow for daily yoga, tai chi, & meditation). I’m not really losing much weight, but I’m not gaining any either! So that’s good. And despite occasional brain fog (cuz I sleep like absolute shit), I’m getting a bit more clear headed. I think. And I’ve been making more time for creative pursuits, which is pretty fulfilling.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re always trying to find ways to adjust & keep ourselves (& each other) entertained, hehe
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Again, no injuries to report, so…yay 😅 They’re both having a lot of fun with the kid’s makeup kit I got Bubby for her birthday. Oh, we went to Rainforest Cafe for Bubby’s bday, per her request. She loves that place!
I can’t believe my Bubby’s 5!!! 😭
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s really enjoying the “Playing Preschool” curriculum, & she’s learning a lot, but she does miss doing computer work heh. BooBoo loves math (she even wrote up some math facts for Bubby on her birthday card, to “help her out for next year” lol!), and she also loves learning to play the “piano” (the keyboard we got for Xmas), especially the YouTube tutorials for K Pop Demon Hunters songs 🤪
zenBLITZ : Doing pretty good here. I’m ahead enough on my blog posts, and I created a “quote board” to post favorite quotes on my Facebook page. No progress on my novella, though – I haven’t had much time (or urge) to work on it lately, but that’s fine. I’ve been doing quite a bit of leather crafting & crochet, when I have time.
She’s more enthused than she looks, I swear 😂
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Whatever. LOL. So help me god, we will being taking a trip this year!!!
witch : Daily yoga & meditation has been plenty fulfilling for me lately, hehe
Currently
eating – Soup. I love me some soup. 😋
drinking – Tea, wine, Skrewball peanut butter whiskey in my coffee sometimes
watching – The Traitors, Doom Patrol, leathercraft videos on YouTube
reading – Tao Te Ching, The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, & I just finished Show Your Work by Austin Kleon. I also finished “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve, don’t know if I mentioned that – holy fuck what a slap in the face!
playing – Coin Master, Roblox
buying – Stuff I might need next month because I need a “no buy” month 😅
listening to – Saviors (album) by Green Day – Goodnight Adeline 💚
celebrating – Valentine’s Day? Candlemas! (Being halfway through this very wintery winter is definitely worth celebrating!)
I’m certainly not one to share product recommendations. And I’m definitely not cool enough to be sponsored by any of the companies I’m about to mention.
I just wanted to share some products & services I’ve used for long enough to confidently say… this shit’s pretty sweet, and maybe you’ll think so too!
No joke… I looked in the mirror one day after my youngest was born & just about screamed when I realized how much of my hair had gone white. Not grey…white. With how wildly frizzy my hair is, I said to myself, “I look like a haggard old mom! I gotta do something about this!!”
I figured that any hair dye would make my hair look unnatural, so…might as well make it look fun!!
Teal is my favey
I did some research on Amazon for hair dyes, and decided it would be most convenient for me to get conditioner with dye in it – that way, I could just dye it every other day or whatever & work with it that way. And that’s what I’ve been doing for at least a couple years now, with Keracolor Clenditioner.
I’ve tried their teal, purple, red, & merlot dyes. Every six months, I switch between teal & purple (just to keep myself entertained).
I don’t color treat my hair at all (no bleach or anything), so everything you see dyed in the picture above is otherwise white (😭😝).
I didn’t like the merlot or red very much – they didn’t “pop” enough for me.
The teal sticks in my hair like it belongs there. Which is lovely because it’s my favorite 😊.
The purple mixes with the teal & sticks to my white hair such that, during the months I use it, my hair has a bit of an ombre effect. It almost looks intentional, and I’m not mad about it. In darker lighting, you don’t really notice it at all (it looks dark brown like the rest of my hair), but in bright & natural light, it really “pops”.
When I switch colors, I just don’t use the dye conditioner for a month. As I said, the teal sticks like it’s supposed to be there, but the purple doesn’t. For me.
I’ve even dyed my daughters’ hair with it (the length of their ponytails) – the older one has teal & she gets quite a kick out of it, the younger one has purple & it hasn’t quite shown up much yet. Both of them have straight auburn hair (they didn’t get that from me, obviously.)
So, if you’re looking to dye your hair, I definitely recommend giving this product a shot. I’ve had a lot of fun with it!
Short video ads started popping up on my Facebook & Instagram for Pair Eyewear a year or so ago, and I was intrigued by the idea that I could just slap a sun shade on top of my regular glasses when I needed sunglasses.
Why does this intrigue me so? Let me tell you! 😆
Throughout the summer, I tend to wear my contacts so that I can easily wear sunglasses. However, allergy hell hits me at the very end of summer every year, leaving me unable to wear contacts with how much my eyes tend to itch. Constantly. Every day. For weeks.
Do I want to spend money on prescription sunglasses that I’ll only really need to use for a month out of the year? Hell no.
Enter Pair Eyewear.
So, what it is…
You buy a “base frame” pair of glasses for about $70 (you do need to share your prescription with them, obviously, but they’re very helpful with that) – they have all kinds of options to choose from as far as style, size, color, etc. They even have sizes & styles for men & children!
These “base frames” have small magnets in the corners so that you can buy “top frames” that match your base frame’s style, but cover the front. So, they have a constantly updated stock of top frame styles (Halloween’s my favorite), and they even have “sun shades” and “tinted lenses”.
Why did I get “silver sparkle” sun shades? I have no clue. I thought they were fun at the time, but…they’re a little much sometimes 😅 Luckily, I can just layer whatever top frames I want on top of them, & make them match whatever I’m wearing!
Why did I get “blue tint” lenses? Dude! They’re fucking awesome! They are super nerdy, but…! When it’s bright out, but not bright enough to warrant sun shades, the blue tint is perfect! Especially when I have a headache!
So if any of this resonates with you, or if you just like the idea of being able to easily switch up your glasses, definitely check out Pair Eyewear – it’s super fun, convenient, and, at times, practical as hell!
However, a ton of things you can find on Amazon (and at other retailers) can be found cheaper on Temu – They’re just cutting out “middle men” who are trying to make a profit on the resale of these products. I was a reseller & I’ve worked in enough retail to know how businesses operate.
So anyways…
I love Temu. I try not to go too crazy – I mostly buy things you can’t really find anywhere else.
Clothes? I’m not one for “fast fashion” – I like my clothes to last at least 5 years 😅 Literally every piece of clothing I’ve gotten from Temu has held up pretty well (except for the iron-on applique on one shirt). I’ve bought shirts, jackets (with a shitty zipper, but it’s warm as hell!), boots (super warm, & sufficient in the snow!), and I wear nothing but their sherpa lined pants all winter.
Warm & cozy Temu boots…& my ass kickin’ boots
I’m getting into leatherworking, & I’ve bought some cheap tools from Temu, including the “famous” $100 manual sewing machine. All this stuff has been awesome to experiment with, without my credit card bursting into flames.
And Xmas gifts galore! I’ve found so many unique gifts for people, I don’t even know where to begin!! One time I did get a metal sign that was bent to hell in transit & I couldn’t straighten it out for the life of me, but they’re really good about refunds (I’ve never had a single problem, especially with things that disappeared during delivery).
Overall, I have not been disappointed by anything I’ve bought off this app – it’s made trying fun new things extremely affordable, which is ideal before you start spending money on quality.
Walmart Spinach & Snack Peppers
Kinda random to mention, I know, but they’re a staple in my diet.
I rarely buy produce (or protein, for that matter) from Walmart. But they have beautifully priced, quality snacking peppers & bags of spinach at my local store! I buy some every time I’m in there.
My kids are even obsessed with the peppers, & they’re food snobs!
Wegmans Onion Hummus
Yummy in my tummy!!!
On the diet note, Wegmans’ Caramelized Onion Hummus is the best hummus on the planet.
I’ve tried a lot of hummus. I do not care for most hummus.
This hummus is the bees knees! 😅
I have to buy two small buckets of it every time I go in to Wegmans because my food snob children will eat it straight out of the container. (I prefer it with my snack peppers, or carrots or celery.)
Seriously, even if you don’t like hummus, try this shit – it’s amazing!
Don’t get excited – most of that cash stack is singles
Apps are great. Cash works better for me. My husband agrees.
It’s a lot easier to know how much money you have to work with when it’s staring you in the face as opposed to being numbers on a screen.
It’s also a lot easier to second guess your purchases while you’re pulling that cash out of your wallet, as opposed to swiping a card real quick.
Not preaching; that’s just my lived experience.
A couple years ago, I was watching videos on YouTube about cash budgeting systems, and trying to figure out how I could make that work for my family.
Then I saw a video with this cash budget wallet, got all excited & bought it, and I’ve been using it ever since – I can’t even imagine how much money it’s actually saved me over the years!
None of these products or services are about optimization – they’re about making life just a little easier & more enjoyable. It’s stuff I like enough to share because maybe you’d like it too!
Small comforts count – you don’t need the “best” or most expensive version of anything. You’re allowed to like whatever works for you.
If you like this kind of real-life sharing, I post more of it on Facebook — random finds, routines, and whatever’s actually working lately.
If you’ve found something that genuinely made your life a little better, I want to hear about it – share it with me in the comments below!
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Why is this even in my prompts anymore?!? 😅 Well, right now, I’m trying to plan for Hubby’s bday, but he won’t tell me what he wants to do, so… we’ll see where I can drag his ass out to (probably shopping & Olive Garden, we’ll see). I also have to plan Bubby’s bday, which is in a couple weeks – she’s no help either 😂
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Doing pretty good, though my diet’s been a bit of a challenge with the holidays – Life’s short, so I’ve been enjoying the hearty foods without going too overboard (nevermind the half bottle of Gerstacker spiced holiday wine I much too thoroughly enjoyed on Xmas Eve! 😜) I’ve kept up with my workouts, though I think I pulled muscle in my shoulder & my hip at some point, but they’re starting to feel better. I’ve been in a pretty good mood, despite the holiday stress. And I’ve found time to work on lots of crafts, both by myself and with the kids, so that’s been good.
marriage : We’re good. Nothing new. He’s excited that I’m excited to get into leatherworking because he’s done a bit of it in the past, mostly with upholstery though – He even got me a cheap manual leather sewing machine & spiffed it all up…now he’s just gotta show me how to use it lol! I’m hoping he gets inspired to work on some projects alongside me.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good; they had a nice Xmas. BooBoo was obsessed with singing “Feliz Navidad” for a few days there, which was a little much 😅 She was like Nancy fuckin’ Drew with these Shelf Elves all month! (We have 5 elves at this point.) Bubby’s excited over all her new dolls. No notable injuries to report this month, so that’s good 🤣
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : We’re doing good! Before winter break, I’d just started Bubby in Playing Preschool year 2 (and she was really enjoying it!) Because we homeschool year round, and because of all the holidays & birthdays this time of year, our winter break runs from halfway through December to halfway through January; so, we’ve been enjoying the break (all of us!)
zenBLITZ : I’ve been rocking my blog posts this past month! I managed to schedule quite a few, which I’m happy about. I started a Facebook page, where I’ve enjoyed sharing all kinds of things (including some fun songs on Xmas 🤣). No progress on my novella, which is fine, I just work on it when I feel like it. I managed to finish crocheting my step granddaughter’s baby blanket & my step daughter’s matching scarf in time for Xmas, though I apparently don’t know how to double crochet properly 😬 (it’s ok, the blanket didn’t turn out to be too much of a disaster lol sigh). I’m going to be working on a scarf for myself next, which I might share in a future blog post because it has a whole story associated with it. I’m also waiting on some materials to start leatherworking, which is super exciting! Most importantly – my blog hit 100 subscribers, & I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am to all of you who have liked, commented, & subscribed to my little blog over the past year – You fill my heart with such love, and I appreciate the hell out of every one of you!!! Thank you 💚
homemaker (finance, cleaning, travel, etc) : My credit card has just about melted, the house is a mess, and I don’t have the energy to leave the house let alone travel… 😅 All good, though!
Currently
eating – Santa’s cookies 😜
drinking – Spiced wine
watching – Celebrity Game Face
reading – Just finishing “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve; got a couple books in the mail, including one that ChatGPT suggested I read next
playing – Coin Master, & Roblox with the girls (we got into a “super slap” match last night, & I don’t even know what the purpose of the game was LOL)
buying – bday gifts for Bubby, leatherworking supplies, books
I felt like it was as good a time as any to share chapter 2, so here goes… Happy Holidays!! 💚🎄
Imaged created with ChatGPT
Chapter 2 : 2012 : Smell of Gasoline
Days before my 26th birthday, an interesting post popped up on my Facebook feed : “We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything”
“How strikingly articulate. And contemplative,” I thought to myself. “Looks like he made it home safe!”
I gave it a “thumbs up”.
I’d almost forgot he existed. Occasionally I’d see coverage of the war on TV at the hospital, & quietly send out some loving & protective vibes to the universe for him. But that was about it.
Then I got pissed off over changes in management at the hospital & found myself back at The Apple. My zen.
As I organized the cash in my register one afternoon, I heard a, “Hey! Long time no see!”
I looked up & did a quadruple take. “Holy shit, how are you?!?”
“Umm..I had another kid!” he laughed as he held up the toddler in his arms. “Yeah, that’s a whole story…” he trailed off with a tone of regret.
I chuckled. “I’m sure it is! Well, it’s good to see you!!”
“It’s good to see you too,” he said with a breath of relief. “I’m in a rush. 20 on pump 5. Do you think I could get your number yet?”
A surprised pause and a flattered smirk, before I wrote my number down on a piece of receipt paper.
“Cool! I’ll talk to you soon, ok?!” he said as he put it in his pocket.
“Looking forward to it. Take care sweetie.”
We texted back & forth quite a bit, just getting to know each other.
I told him my favorite band was Green Day, though American Idiot was too “emo” for me (undeniably well written & orchestrated, however).
He said his favorite band was Reverend Horton Heat; he goes to see them every time they come to town. I thought I’d never heard of them until I looked them up on YouTube & came across a performance of “Big Red Rocket of Love” that I saw on Late Night With Conan O’Brien when I was a kid. How funny. I liked them enough then to remember the performance, & I found that I liked them even more now! “Maybe we’ll go to a show together sometime,” I told him. “That’d be fun!”
I told him I used to be fairly well known among the local ska scene when I was a teenager. My first love, my high school sweetheart…he seemed to be the only trombone player in the area who liked ska, so he was in probably five different bands at any given time. And he would always pull me up on stage to help him get the crowd dancing. Everybody knew us because they had no choice.
He said he was a punk kid from Detroit who liked to skateboard and flirt with all the cute girls.
I wasn’t surprised.
His toddler was an “oopsie”, but we’ll call her a surprise. He was lonely one night, went to a bar & hooked up with a chick who probably looked halfway decent in the bar lighting after a couple shots. Nine months later, she started doing everything she could to make his life a living hell. Paternity test be damned, it was his.
He said he liked chicken Caesar salads. And baseball.
I didn’t know what a chicken Caesar salad was. And I hate baseball.
I was standing outside the store one sunny afternoon, taking a cigarette break. Along came Jack, walking toward me from his car which was parked at a gas pump. He kept wiping his face off.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, half laughing.
“Well, I ran out of gas. So I had to siphon it out of my lawn mower so I could come here. And get gas.” He then explained how siphoning worked because I didn’t know you could do such a thing. “I can’t get the taste of gasoline out of my mouth now! Can you taste it? Just…”
I laughed out loud as I took a couple steps back from him. “I’m smoking a cigarette – I probably shouldn’t get too close to any gasoline fumes.”
“Just… Just see if you can smell it. I don’t wanna walk around smelling like gas all day!”
I leaned in, and…we kissed for a split second, I’m not gonna lie. That sneaky bastard. His lips were soft, and more kissable than I ever realized. I guess I felt like we’d both been patient for long enough, and so I didn’t really think too hard before taking him up on his offer. His very strange offer.
For the record, he did not smell or taste like gas. I almost thought he was full of shit about the whole siphoning thing, but I know he wasn’t. Cuz…that’s Jack.
“Nope, you’re good.”
With the slight smile of a kid who just surprised himself by winning a prize at a carnival & was all proud, he said “Oh good… Thanks!” And then he went in to pay for his gas.
Meanwhile, guilt set in. Hard, like a sharp stab in my chest. I was still in a relationship, after all, and I wasn’t trying to mess with anyone’s heart or mind. Why did I just do that?!?
Because I wanted to. Obviously. I’m not one to let an opportunity pass me by.
“I gotta run. I’m sorry. I’ll text you later?” he said as he rushed back to his car.
“Ok…” And I went back to work.
A couple hours later, I got a text message.
“I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have encouraged that. I know you’re in a relationship. And I’m not trying to complicate things between us, or fuck anything up for you. Honestly. Forgive me?”
“Yeah, I forgive you.” But I’ll never forget.
A couple months passed. Autumn was setting in, and the air had a slight chill.
I hadn’t seen him much since the “kiss”, so I sent him a text message – “Miss you, stranger.”
Moments later, I got a reply – “Miss you too 😦 Sorry I’m a shitty friend. I haven’t had the best couple months and really have become quite the hermit. I’m surprised I still have ANYTHING. Are you at work?”
“Unfortunately. Everyone’s an asshole today LOL”
“I’m sorry. Can I stop by & hang out for a bit?”
“Of course, anytime!”
“Ok, I’ll see you in a little bit.”
Nighttime blanketed the sky by the time he made his way to the store.
“Mind if I go take a break?” I asked my coworker. He told me to take my time. So I did.
We went out beside the store where we could chat without being interrupted by regular customers excited to see me or old people looking to complain to a shirt that matches the store.
“How’s it going??” I asked. “What have you been up to?”
“Not much,” he said with a bit of sadness in his voice. “Just ruminating a lot. A lot of shit hit the fan for me. No motivation. Sad? Depressed? I don’t fucking know anymore. Just trying to survive.”
“Why, what’s going on?”
He took a deep breath. I even think he started shaking a little. Looking down at the ground, he started venting like I’d never experienced in my life (and lots of people like venting to gas station attendants for some reason).
His ex wife was trying to turn their kids on him. Doubling down in court with the new baby’s mama, for custody and for child support; she was obsessed with turning everyone on the planet against him (no surprise she buddied up with the ex wife). There was an incident at work with an inmate falsely accusing him of something, so he was arrested in front of one of his kids and now he had to go to criminal court for that too. His kids were acting out – stealing, lying, all the stuff kids do when they’re overwhelmed. And understandably so.
“Jesus christ…” I gasped. My problems seemed petty as fuck in comparison. I couldn’t imagine all this drama – it seemed like everyone was out to get him. No wonder he felt so drained. “I’m sorry you’ve got all that weight on your soul. I wish there was something I could do… I could go to court with you if you want, for moral support? We could go out to lunch after!”
“No, that’s ok.” A slight smile of relief. “It’s early in the morning. I’m sure you’re fast asleep.”
“I can wake up early if I really want to, you know!” I laughed.
What else could I do besides be there to listen to him when it gets to be too much? Nothing, unfortunately.
With hesitation, he went on.
“I had a cold a few days ago, and I took a little too much cough medicine, and…I wondered how much I would have to take to end all this. You know?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “No amount of cold medicine is likely to end anything. You’ll just trip balls if you’re lucky. Not that I know or anything.” (My trombone wielding ex was a self proclaimed addict, & he was pretty fond of “Robo Trippin’” on cold meds right before we met – I knew quite a bit about the effects of various street & OTC drugs, though mostly not from personal experience.)
“I’m sorry to drop all this on you… really. I have no one else.”
I just wanted to wrap my arms around him & let him hide for a little while. I also didn’t want to fuck with his heart, especially when he seemed to be feeling so vulnerable. “You’ll get through this. It’s the yin & yang of life, right? Ebb & flow? This is a pretty strong ebb, but it’s not quite a tsunami. Close, yeah, but not quite. It’ll settle in time. And I’m here, no matter what, for whatever that’s worth. I wish I could fix things for you though, I really really do.”
“Thanks. You’re a good friend. I’m sorry I’m really not myself right now.”
“We all have versions of ourselves. I’m here for it all, ok?” I said.
I could see the line growing in the store, which meant my break time had to come to an end.
“I really don’t wanna go back in there right now, but I kinda have to. I’m sorry. Can I give you a hug?”
“Of course. Anytime.”
We wrapped our arms around each other. Tight. I didn’t think he’d ever let go. I kind of hoped he wouldn’t. Once I settled into it, everything melted away. I couldn’t hear any customers; I didn’t care if the line went out the door & down the block to the next gas station. It was like time stopped for a few moments, fully engulfed in his…everything – body, mind, heart, & soul. I’d loved and been loved a lot in my life, but I’d never experienced anything quite like that. I felt safe, warm, genuinely loved. More than ever before.
I could feel his breathing start to slow, and his heartbeat. I could feel his tension melting away. I think he felt the same as I did.
“I don’t want to let go, but I probably should,” I muttered.
“Just one more second,” he replied. “Y’know, they say that if a hug lasts long enough, the oxytocin will leave you bonded for life.”
“Sounds like witchcraft to me,” I laughed. I would know- I’d studied witchcraft most of my life.
“It’s psychology,” he said.
“Same thing!” I’d studied both pretty extensively.
He squeezed me tight before slowly letting go, and quietly he said, “I love you, Sally. Thanks for being a good friend. Sorry I’m such a shitty one.”
“I love you too. Just, please, try to take care of yourself. You matter too much to let anything dim those sparklers in your eyes.” I gave him a hopeful grin as I stepped back toward the store.
“Go on, before you get fired. I’ll text you later.”
As I cashed out the 436 customers that magically appeared over the past few minutes, my mind was trying to process everything that had just happened – it was a lot to take in. “Holy shit, did he just tell me he’d thought about killing himself? Or was he just saying he wanted to get fucked up enough to escape the shit on his mind?”, hit me pretty hard all of sudden. Either way, I realized I wasn’t just the cute gas station attendant anymore – I was someone he trusted with a depth of emotions that most people aren’t invited to see.
But what could I do, really?!? I can be here; I can always be here as long as he’ll let me. That’s about it.
Then some shit hit the fan for me.
I stopped by to visit my father as I did every Sunday, and he was sitting in the kitchen with a walker.
I said hi, and kept looking down at the walker, thinking he’d indulge me on why he dragged it out.
Stubborn old Marine he was, he did not clue me in until I asked.
“Oh, I think I had a stroke.”
“WHAT?!? Why aren’t you in a hospital?!?”
He chuckled and said, “yeah, I probably should, huh? Let me finish this beer, & then I’ll call for an ambulance.”
“Oh what the fuck…” I called the ambulance. While he finished his beer.
Long story short, he’d had a relatively mild stroke, and tests showed a small, cancerous tumor in his left lung. The stroke left him needing physical therapy for a couple months; the only long lasting effects were numbness in some of his left fingers and enough trouble walking to need a walker. Once that was situated well enough, he was miraculously approved for surgery to remove the tumor, and it went without a hitch!
His stroke ended up being a blessing in disguise for him because it led him to better health & self care than he’d bothered with since before my mom died. Because it led to me taking over his health care, home care, and, well, everything care. Because he just wouldn’t anymore.
It was the beginning of the biggest sacrifice of my life.
Yet I still felt my problems were minor in comparison to Jack’s.
It was a bright sunny day at the store. He stopped in, and I went out for a break with him.
“I love you,” he said sweetly.
“I love you too,” I smiled.
“No, like, I really love you. I think I’m in love with you.” He looked shyly at the ground.
“Oh!” I could feel my cheeks getting red and the vein in my forehead starting to throb. “Uh, I don’t think you’re in love with me…”
“Oh yeah? Why do you say that?” He seemed a bit perturbed.
“You’ve never lived with me,” I laughed. “There’s a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them. And, in my opinion, you can’t know until you’ve lived with someone. Whether or not you’d end up resenting them and all that crap. Y’know?”
“Hm.” He seemed even more perturbed. “Well, I still think I’m in love with you, but whatever.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean or anything,” I said quickly. “I love you a lot, and I know you feel the same. I just don’t think you’d be able to stand me if we were actually together, y’know? I don’t know.”
“Ok.”
And that was that.
“How’s you?” I texted him a few days later.
“Hanging in there. You?”
“Just had one of my molars pulled. I don’t know why my teeth are so fucked up,” I shrugged to myself.
“Maybe you just have soft enamel,” he said. “I do. Unfortunately.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing, though I can see how that could be possible,” I replied. “No, they’re not fucked up like that. I don’t know. What have you been up to?”
“Well, I started trying to eat better. Lots of salads. And spinach. And I started running again!”
“Running from what?” I laughed. I sent him that meme that says “if you ever see me running, please kill whatever is chasing me “.
“Ha ha. (Not amused.) I started doing tai chi, too. I know you do yoga- have you ever tried tai chi?”
“No, not yet. I’ll have to look into that!” (It’s too slow for me. I’m too used to the more grandiose movements of hatha. Though it does have its appropriate situations.)
“Oh, I got a girlfriend!”
“Oh cool! Where’d you meet her?!?” I was genuinely excited for him! He needed a positive distraction from the chaos. Besides me.
“We dated a while ago. I saw her at the grocery store with her kiddo and decided to see how she was doing. One thing led to another, and we’re back together! You’ll like her, she’s really cool. Her name’s Desiree.”
“Awesome, I can’t wait to meet her!!”
Another couple weeks passed. I didn’t hear from him much. I assumed he was busy with his new girlfriend, which is totally understandable.
A girl came into the store, smiling at me. She seemed…cute. Friendly. A little odd.
She stopped after looking at me for a moment.
“Are you Sally?!” She seemed a little hesitant.
“Yup! You must be Desiree? Nice to meet you!”
“Yup! Nice to meet you too! Jack’s sick, and I thought I’d just come pick up some comfort stuff for him, y’know?”
“Aww!” I smiled. “I’m glad he has someone so sweet in his life, he really deserves it.” I was trying to be nice, but I just had a weird feeling about her. Not because of her, or him; I just worried it wouldn’t last as long as it should, for whatever reason. I tend to have pretty good intuition.
So, while I was trying to be nice because I genuinely thought she seemed like a sweet girl, I was also trying to give the vibe that I’ll kick her ass if she doesn’t treat him right.
She bought him some snacks and drinks.
“Tell him I hope he feels better!” I mentioned as she left.
Weeks passed. And then a couple months.
I didn’t hear from him, or see him for that matter, hardly at all.
We’d text briefly, occasionally. Tell each other we missed each other. He’d stop in for a couple minutes to get gas. But that’s about it.
After a very abrupt visit to the store, I finally texted him, “I miss you. I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore…cuz I never hear from you anymore.”
“Oh. Ok.”
And then I didn’t hear from him at all…
He’d once posted about “being who we really are, not what we’ve been made into”. But now, with the silence between us, I wasn’t sure we even knew who we were in the first place.
“Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent.” Seems he chose to leave me behind.
I guess he didn’t love me as much as he said he did.
If this chapter resonated with you — especially if you’ve loved someone at the wrong time — you’re not alone.
Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t keep?
You don’t have to answer out loud — but you’re welcome to.
Just about finished the biggest baby blanket ever made xD
Starting leathercrafting – Shouldn’t be too difficult, right? LOL
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Gotta figure out what I’m giving everyone for Xmas, that’s for sure! 😆😵💫 I have some stuff ready, but I never feel like it’s “good enough” (I’m sure you know how that is…and it’s stupid).
self : Doing pretty good! I’ve kept up with my workouts, and I switched to a “mindful diet”, though I still use the schedule I mentioned a while ago. I haven’t been terribly cranky lately either, so that’s always good LOL! 😂 – I’ve been sticking to my routines & creating a lot of stuff, so I guess that’s keeping my mind occupied.
marriage : We’re doing well, thanks for asking 😂 We managed to get a couple date days in over the past month, which has been refreshing! 😁
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good, though their tempers aren’t. Heh 😑. Bubby got mad at BooBoo & threw her tablet at her, hit her smack dab in the middle of the forehead, & she’s probably gonna have a scar from it; BooBoo threw a chair for some reason the other day. So, I gotta figure out how to teach them better ways to deal with their big emotions…
BooBoo’s got a booboo 😬
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well! Now that we’re in full swing, I switched our routine up a bit & it’s been going pretty well. We’ve added some yoga & meditation into our routine, and while I work on one of them individually with the curriculum, hubby’s been working with the other on various things. Bubby’s really catching up with letter & number identification, so now I’m not sure if she’s dyslexic or not (I should just get her tested within the next year or so, I suppose).
Mini Yogis 😊
zenBLITZ : I’m really having fun! I’ve got a bunch of blog posts ready, & I’ve started chapter 4 of my novella! Also, I’m working on crocheting a blanket for my step granddaughter, and I’ve started experimenting with leatherworking! Now I just gotta figure out how to monetize something. Anything. 😅
homemaker : Yup. Still just…yep. I’ve finally started on my “dark half of the year” house cleaning projects! So that’s good 😊👍
witch : Yoga has been fulfilling enough for me lately; I don’t really want or need anything more spiritually at the moment. 🕉️
Currently
eating – Thanksgiving ham (cuz turkey is boring lol)
drinking – mint & fruity teas
watching – antenna TV cuz my Internet is down for no good reason
reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve
playing – Roblox with my kids, when our Internet is working
buying – Xmas & bday gifts!
listening to – lofi chillhop on Pandora, at the moment
I recently came across a selfie from about 15 years ago — same hairstyle, same vibe as a selfie I took this summer. Around the same time, I heard the phrase “this is who I am now.” And it got me thinking – who the fuck am I now? Turns out, I’m a lot of things…..
I am punk rock.
I do things my way, but humbly, without arrogance. I try not to judge, I try to approach difficult situations with loving kindness, and I revel in finding calm amidst chaos.
I am a wife.
I married the single coolest and most loving human being I’ve ever met, and we’ve been together for 8 years now. Through thick & thin. We’ve literally jumped through hell for each other.
I am a mom.
Of 2 beautiful, unique, intelligent, loving, creative, independent as hell little girls. They love climbing rocks, foraging for snacks in the yard, and catching toads all while wearing princess dresses & sparkly pink nail polish.
I am a homeschooler.
I love being able to cuddle my kids while helping them learn. I love figuring out their unique nuances, and interests, and seeing where these things take us on a daily basis. And I love creating space for adventures in our everyday life, to show them there’s always lessons to learn wherever you’re willing to look.
I am a creator.
A writer, a crocheter, a digital designer. A “Jill of many trades”. I just wish I could find time to make money off this shit lol!
I am the household manager.
I handle meal planning, groceries, budgeting, bills, cleaning, travel plans, party plans…just about everything.
I am a “chaos witch”.
I mostly practice hearthcraft, and protection & healing magick. My practice is…very much on the back burner to everything else in my life, but I do sneak in little bits of magick here & there.
I was a reseller for a few years.
I enjoyed the whole process, and I enjoyed providing fun things to people who got excited over the often silly things I’d offered. I just didn’t have the time or space to let it grow, and that’s fine.
I was a student a couple times.
I’ve studied psychology, neurology, business, and education. I even tutored psychology one semester (and my student did awesome!), and I was a “peer advisor” a couple times! Never followed through for a degree though, and that’s fine.
I was a patient care assistant in an emergency department for a bit.
I loved the autonomy, the diversity of situations, and the sheer volume of unique patient interactions. And the patients & visitors loved me…because I’m patient, smart, & I genuinely give a fuck. I just couldn’t stand 96% of my coworkers, and that’s fine.
I’ve been a caregiver for most of my life.
For grandparents, parents, friends, and loved ones; throughout illnesses, injuries, and psychological chaos. It’s part of how I was raised, and part of just who the fuck I am.
So that’s me — messy, evolving, and unapologetically real.
Now it’s your turn: Who the fuck are you today? Drop a comment or share this post with someone finding themselves again.
If my words made you smile, nod, or roll your eyes in recognition — hit “like,” share it, or subscribe for more real talk on life, growth, and chaos.
Keep it raw, keep it real. And rock the fuck on. 🤘💚
“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Trying not to plan too much this month lol! I do need to figure out what we’re doing for Turkey Day though – not sure if my step daughter wants to come over or if she wants us to go over there…or if she wants us to piss off for that matter LOL. I always do ham, sausage stuffing, green bean casserole, & homemade mashed potatoes with homemade gravy…that’s all I care about 😜 (well, she does the casserole, & certainly better than I ever could! hehe)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Ugh. Struggling a bit – “Chaos” has returned, & I’m certainly not recovered from the last round of it. Weight loss has slowed a bit because it’s hearty meal season and we’ve been too busy for me to stick to my exercise routine as strictly as I’ve been – I’ll figure it out though. When all else fails, prioritize self care! Oh, and we’ve all caught a cold. Shocker. 🤪
marriage : This is the “chaos”; nobody’s fault though, just a bit of a struggle. We’re working on figuring it out.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are doing well! Except Bubby threw Booboo’s tablet at her the other night & cut a little gash in her forehead (for someone who worked in an ER, I have an extremely low tolerance for blood…especially if it’s seeping from one of my precious little spawn LOL) – It bled quite a little bit, but it wasn’t anything that would require stitches. Bubby still feels really bad & has been catering to Booboo’s every whim LOL
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Booboo’s progressing on pace; she gets super frustrated sometimes, but she understands everything just fine. She’s just…me, LOL. I’ve still gotta figure out how to fit in Playing Preschool year 2 for Bubby, especially since we’re nearing the end of Easy Peasy PreK, & she’s still a little “behind”. Which is fine! She actually understands Booboo’s level of math quite a bit, which is impressive!! 😊
zenBLITZ : Hopefully I can get my head straight enough to write up some good posts soon! And work on my novella! The past month though, I crocheted a Barbie blanket for a practice project, & started a massive baby blanket for my step granddaughter hehehe ❤️
watching – Game shows. I love me some 1% Club & The Floor hehe
reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve. Have I mentioned this yet? It was on the library “discard” shelf, & it sounded kind of interesting, so I thought I’d save it from the recycling bin. I’ve enjoyed it so far (I’m only about 1/4 the way through), though it is a bit slow & dry…LOL.
playing – Nothing, really. Though I ordered the original Tomb Raider for hubby, & it should be coming today. So maybe I’ll be playing that a little bit. I’d probably rather play Fable though heh
buying – Xmas gifts. And bday gifts for hubby & Bubby. Never too early to stock up!
zen BLITZ 