Shadow Season Journaling Prompts: Reflections for the Dark Half of the Year

The days are getting shorter, and we’re entering the “dark half” of the year – The autumn equinox is on September 22. This is the perfect time for a little introspection to prepare your whole life to hunker down for the rain, snow, & cold (if that’s the weather you get where you are)!

In this post, I’d like to share some journaling prompts to help you contemplate where you’re at and where you’d like to be over the coming months. Prepare for a combination of practical planning and emotional unpacking.

Why Journaling Matters This Time of Year

This time of year invites inward focus because there usually aren’t as many events available to steal your outward attention (concerts, carnivals, etc).

It’s always better to spend some time with yourself than it is to scroll social media or binge watch comfort shows on TV.

Journaling gives you a mirror for your inner world — and during darker months, that mirror becomes even more valuable.

The Prompts

✨ Emotional Unpacking

What needs to be unpacked, mentally & emotionally, over the coming months? Now is the time of year to lean in to the shadows to find true light.
- What fears, resentments, or regrets surface more clearly in the quiet/dark? How can you hold space for them without judgment?
- What outer (public facing) parts of your life could be put to rest for the winter?
- What inner areas of yourself could use some fresh attention?

🏡 Home + Environment

Tidy up outside if winter is coming, and then start cleaning inside.
- Brainstorm tasks & organize by area / room.
- Bust out the cozy blankets & hot cocoa mugs! And if you don’t keep your Xmas lights up year-round…consider it? I do! 😜

🎃 Holidays + Traditions

What are your plans for the holidays?
- Do you need a Halloween costume?
- What might you be doing for Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Year’s, Festivus, whatever you celebrate?
- Do you need to get anybody gifts?
- Don’t forget what’s important to you — How do you envision each of these holidays going, ideally? What intentions do you have for each (such as more peace, less spending, reconnecting with tradition, creating new rituals)?

📅 Planning for the Year Ahead

Do you need to plan for a new planner for next year? Don’t overcomplicate it! Better to undercomplicate it & add as you find necessary. Sometimes all you need is a monthly or weekly calendar!

🎯 Goals + Reflection

How are your goals going?
- What can you still accomplish by the end of the year?
- What’s worth dropping or postponing so you enter the new year lighter?
- What’s something surprising you’ve accomplished so far this year that wasn’t on your original list?
Wins: What fun did you have this past spring / summer? What did you accomplish? Little things still count! What did you overcome? What are you proud of?
What am I looking forward to most in the coming months?

Closing Thoughts

This time of year isn’t just about survival — it’s a chance to deepen, let go, and realign. Try at least one of the prompts above, or spread them out over the coming weeks, and see what comes up for you.

Save this list to revisit throughout the season — you might be surprised how your answers shift over time.

Which of these prompts speaks to you most right now? Drop it in the comments or share it with a friend who journals.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Where I’m at #12

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Blah! Well, I’m looking forward to planning the usual autumn activities with the kids – apple picking, pumpkin farms, that sort of thing. And it’s about time to stop dying my hair teal so it can fade a little before I start dying it purple for autumn & winter! Oh, we went on a surprise camping trip with our skoolie for the first time! It was a lot of fun despite hubby blowing a brake line & almost killing us all in the mountains 😭 At least my hair looked cool with my cowgirl hat lol
self : Doing great with my diet & exercise still! I’m losing about a pound a week, which is reasonable. My appetite is definitely kicking up with the cooler temperatures though 😬 just gotta stay mindful! Allergy season is definitely upon me, as it is every year – Whole body tingling & almost vibrating, fish bowl for a head (sinus pressure), perpetually exhausted, sneezing, dripping nose, itching everywhere – Like having a cold for a month & a half. Ugh.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We really enjoyed the Kansas concert – he might have enjoyed it a little too much LOL! We really like shopping for Halloween stuff, & that time is almost nigh, so…yay! I’ll have to figure out a better date though. Maybe a little wine tour or something.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The lil monsters are good. Bubby’s super proud of how well she does in gymnastics! And BooBoo just got her Jr Orange & Yellow Belt in karate – I’m impressed with how seriously she takes what she learns!
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Moving along. I need to get Bubby into doing a little more – I still don’t know if she’s dyslexic (I have to contact the school), but she’s picking up on letter sounds better than letter identification still. So, she’s progressing, but she’s obviously still struggling to some degree.
zenBLITZ : I actually started writing a novella! Or novel? I don’t know yet, we’ll see where it takes itself. I’ve been reading a fiction book called “One Italian Summer” by Rebecca Serle, & it’s not too bad. I haven’t read any fiction in a lot of years, so it’s inspired me to add my own story to the world. I haven’t written fiction since short stories in 4th grade, but it’s been quite a bit of fun so far!
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Selective apathy. Heh. Nothing’s falling apart, so…fuck it. 🫠
witch : Haven’t really been doing anything here, but I’ve added some yoga & tai chi to my daily exercise routine, which definitely have spiritual elements to them. I have a couple of simple kundalini yoga videos in my rotation too, which are…pretty interesting 😜

Currently

eating – I’M EXCITED FOR SOUP SEASON!!! 😂😋

drinking – Barefoot White Zinfandel (in moderation, lol) 🍷

watching – Peacemaker has been surprisingly entertaining lol. Same with Twisted Metal.

reading – Still working on One Italian Summer, but still enjoying it

playing – Wishing I had time to try Roblox, cuz my kids are obsessed (and I’m sure I would be too lol)

buying – Halloween decor that I definitely don’t need 😂 Pair Eyewear tops (I’m obsessed!!)

listening to – Chasing Rainbows by RHH & Dilemma by Green Day are still favorites

celebrating – apple cider season hehe

pinning – planners, self care, free spirit, & tattoos

planning – on not losing my mind lol

feeling – overwhelmed, & apathetic, but hopeful

Shifting Perspectives: A More Useful Way to Look at Life

blitz

Sometimes, the way we view our circumstances can either propel us forward or hold us back. It’s not about dismissing how we truly feel but about finding a perspective that’s more useful, more productive, and ultimately more empowering.

The Power of Perspective

Life is rarely black and white. The same situation can feel overwhelming or manageable, depending on the lens through which we view it. For example, a setback at work might initially feel like a failure, but shifting your perspective can reveal it as an opportunity to learn, grow, or even pivot in a new direction.

The key is to acknowledge your emotions without letting them dictate your entire outlook. It’s okay to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even stuck. But once you’ve processed those feelings, ask yourself: Is there another way to look at this?

When my ex left after nearly 11 years, I was understandably devastated for a week or so – Then I realized that, while we were meant to be together for a time, we’d definitely pushed it beyond its “best by date”.

Why Perspective Matters

Perspective shapes our reality. When we’re stuck in a negative mindset, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt or inaction. But when we consciously choose to reframe our thoughts, we open ourselves up to new possibilities.

For instance, instead of thinking, “I’ll never get this right,” try, “This is challenging, but I’m learning something valuable.” This subtle shift doesn’t erase the difficulty of the situation, but it does make it feel more manageable.

I’ve been learning about shifting perspectives in unexpected ways — sometimes through everyday moments with my step-daughter, and sometimes through heartbreak I’ll never fully understand. With both, I’m reminded that while I can’t control how the story ends, I can choose what lessons I carry forward.

How to Shift Your Perspective

Acknowledge Your Feelings Start by recognizing how you truly feel. Suppressing emotions only makes them harder to process.
Ask Reflective Questions What’s another way to look at this situation? What’s the lesson here? How can I grow from this?
Focus on What You Can Control Instead of fixating on what’s out of your hands, direct your energy toward actionable steps.
Practice Gratitude Even in tough times, there’s usually something to be grateful for. Shifting your focus to these positives can help balance your perspective.

The Balance Between Honesty and Optimism

Shifting your perspective doesn’t mean ignoring reality or pretending everything is fine. It’s about finding a balance between honesty and optimism. You can acknowledge the challenges while still looking for ways to move forward.

For example, if you’re feeling stuck in your career, you might say, “I’m not where I want to be, but I have the skills and determination to get there.” This approach validates your current experience while keeping the door open for progress.

Final Thoughts

Life is full of ups and downs, and how we choose to view those moments can make all the difference. By shifting your perspective, you’re not undermining your feelings—you’re giving yourself the tools to navigate them more effectively.

So the next time you’re faced with a challenge, take a moment to step back and ask yourself: Is there a more useful way to look at this? You might be surprised at how much of a difference it can make.

I don’t always get this right — sometimes rumination still spirals into negativity — but reminding myself to ask, ‘Is there another way to look at this?’ has pulled me out of so many mental ruts.

Thanks for reading! If this resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need a little perspective shift today.

👉 What perspective shift has changed YOUR life? Drop it in the comments — your story might be exactly what someone else needs today.

Rock on!

I’ll Never Fucking Know

zen

Sometimes grief doesn’t come from death — it comes from silence. From a friendship that once burned bright and then vanished without explanation. This poem spilled out of me in still trying to process the loss of someone who once felt like home. It’s messy, raw, and probably imperfect… but so was our bond.

“I’ll Never Fucking Know”

What the fuck happened?

Seems I’ll never understand.

Like a whirlwind of emotions;

your sleight of hand.

Mutual love, compassion,

freedom of our fucking souls.

Someone to lean on in a storm—

bestie goals.

Is it really worth it,

to be so mad?

Is it really worth it,

to throw away what we had?

Your silence is deafening;

none of this makes sense.

We could’ve figured it out

with a bond that intense.

What could be, would be, should be,

before it’s too late.

This animosity wasn’t written

to be our fate.

But nothing’s changed;

what more can I do?

Just keep on keepin’ on,

without you.

I’ll stitch up my heart,

just like before.

Burn bright in your darkness—

I’ll always love you more.

What the fuck happened?

Where’s your vibrant fucking glow?

Your stubbornness knows no bounds.

Guess I’ll never fucking know.

Losing someone you love — whether a friend, a partner, or a soulmate of any kind — can feel like a death without a funeral. Writing this helped me grieve, rage, and remember.

Fuck it — grief is messy, love is messy, friendship is messy. But maybe we don’t have to process it alone. Drop a thought, a rant, or a poem of your own in the comments. Let’s build a little corner of honesty together.

Rock on!

PS — What sparked this?

For a few years, my family was caught in chaos, and I was the one holding it all together. That kind of weight leaves you drained in ways you don’t even notice until later.

I think that’s why memories of this friend hit me so hard when they resurfaced – We once leaned on each other & lit each other up when we had nothing left.

I tried reaching out — not out of selfishness, but out of hope. Hope that maybe we could move forward, even just as friends. But silence was my answer.

So I’m left with this strange space: not fully grieving, not fully heartbroken, just carrying a fire I once borrowed from him. A fire I’ll keep tending, in the life I’ve built.

Weight Loss Without Misery: What Worked for Me (So Far)

blitz, Where I'm At

I’ve lost over 15 pounds! 😁👍

That’s halfway to my goal!! 🥳

Ever since my doctor told me my cholesterol was “elevated” (though, as I’ve been told by everyone else, “whose isn’t?!?”), I made an honest effort to make some changes to my health.

My main goal is to feel better, however. A better mindset has been the most rewarding side effect of all the dieting & exercise I’ve been doing the past couple months – weight loss & toned muscles are just a bonus.

Let’s review my efforts so far…

Diet

I’ve been following a “mindful eating” diet plan set up with the help of ChatGPT. It helped me set up a schedule so that I wouldn’t get too hungry by dinnertime (& thus shovel a bunch of food in my face).

Here’s what that looks like :

Mindful Eating Schedule

10:00 – lemon / lime water
11:00 – fruit
1:30 – salad w/ protein
4:00 – smoothie / yogurt
6:30 – veggies with hummus
8:00 – dinner
11:30 – dark chocolate & nuts
1:00 – fruit

I don’t follow this strictly, but it’s been proving to be pretty good guidelines for me. I’m trying to focus on eating mostly veggies & protein. Through ideas from Tim Ferriss’ slow carb diet, part of my weekly “do nothing day” includes “going crazy” (which has definitely helped me keep my sanity!) And on days when we find ourselves on an adventure, I just try to stay mindful of what I order out (without depriving myself of the glorious BBQ of summer!)

I’ve also been counting calories using an app called “My Net Diary”. It makes sense to take in fewer calories than you burn off throughout each day, so it’s been making me more aware of what I’m eating. And I love it!

“Don’t drink calories” has been a big realization for me – I didn’t realize how ridiculous my coffee creamer was! (Bet your ass I’ve got a generous amount of it plus a shot of Trader Vic’s macadamia nut liqueur in there on “go crazy day” though! 😋)

Exercise

I forgot how much I love to exercise!

I started with just 5 minutes a day, and have built myself up to about 45 minutes (give or take).

I do different things daily, all movements that I love (which is key to maintaining the routine!) :

20min cardio / dance
15min arms / bellydancing
10min yoga / tai chi / qi gong

I’ve always been interested in belly dancing, and now that I’ve been doing YouTube videos regularly, I’m seriously considering signing up for a local belly dancing group. (How I would love to create & perform a routine to some ska & rockabilly – The thought of complementing “King For A Day” with the chimes of a bellydancing belt is just too adorable! 😊)

On “go crazy” days, I stick to just yoga, tai chi, and qi gong. And definitely not for 45 minutes!

I realized I have a bit of trouble with tai chi & qi gong because I’ve been practicing yoga for over 20 years. Yoga is about releasing energy and gradually improving flexibility, balance, & strength; where tai chi & qi gong are more about energy movement & manipulation, and range of motion. The movements in yoga tend to be more “grandiose” than those with tai chi, so I struggle to slow down and flow with the “chi”. But both types of movements have their appropriate times.

Smoking…..

Well…heh…oops! 😬

(I’m such an asshole……)

I quit smoking over 6 years ago, when I was pregnant with my oldest. However, I vaped until a couple of months ago when I’d lowered the nicotine level in my vape so low that I realized it was all psychological habit instead of addiction. So I quit.

I kept a pack of Camels around that I’d smoke maybe one or two a year if shit hit the fan & I needed a little nihilism.

Well, I needed a little nihilism amidst my recent “mid-life crisis”, & now I’m smoking more than I’d like to admit.

I gotta quit. Again.

It’s honestly kinda low on my list of concerns, though, to be honest. (A post on that soon…probably.)

I’ve really been enjoying sneaking off to the nooks & crannies of my yard to see whatever nature I can while I’m out there though – hummingbirds, butterflies, chipmunks, & squirrels throwing crabapples at me.

Health Log on Notion

I’ve been using Notion to help me keep track of everything (as always).

I have a database with a template set up to reset daily.

In the properties, I track how many fruits & veggies I eat each day, water, exercise types, calories, steps, cigs, and some other stuff.

The note itself contains my “mindful eating schedule”, a food log, exercise log, and space for reflections (I realized during yoga yesterday how cranky my knees have gotten omg!)

This is making it super easy to not only stay mindful throughout the day but also reflect & pivot as needed each week!

Lessons I’ve Learned

Diet is the most important thing to focus on if you want to lose weight. You can exercise all you want, but if you’re shoveling candy & chips in your face all day, you won’t make any progress.
Exercise is important for overall health. Not just mental & physical vitality, but also to tone up your muscles. So move your ass – You’ll lose weight a lot quicker!
Start small & build up to where you feel like you need to be. I slowly reduced my calorie “allowances” and started with 5 minutes of exercise (building gradually each week).
Do things you enjoy. I like the foods I eat on my schedule, & they make me feel good. I love dance cardio & belly dancing. If I tried jogging daily, it wouldn’t last long (I’ve tried, & it didn’t.) Do whatever keeps you interested.

I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m damn proud of how far I’ve come. If you’re working on your own health journey — remember, baby steps and curiosity go a long way. You’ve got this.

Have you started (or restarted) a health habit lately? Tell me about it — I’d love to hear.

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Where I’m at #11

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life at any random time, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Honestly, I’ve been pretty burned out on planning stuff. I left it up to hubby for most of the summer so far. This has been a mistake 😂 So I gotta plan some shit for next month – a bonfire, dates, & adventures!
self : I’ve been doing really well with my diet & exercise routines (expect a post about all that next week!) 💪 My brain is still a hot mess though lol 😭
marriage : We just celebrated our 6 year anniversary…with the kids. It was fun though. Next month, we’ll be seeing Kansas in concert (without the kids lol) cuz hubby insists they’ll be entertaining
mom : The girls are good 😊 Booboo likes climbing the door frame to the kitchen (which I also loved doing when I was her age hehehe), and Bubby’s imagination has been beautifully wild lately (I can’t wait til she can start writing stories!!!)
homeschool teacher : Still panicking about the school year ahead. Don’t even know why. It is what it is lol. I’m trying to figure out how to find time for more preschool for Bubby this year – we’ll be finishing “Easy Peasy” soon, and I hope she’ll be ready for “Playing Preschool year 2”. 🤞
zenBLITZ : Finding my groove more – I’ve enjoyed writing what I’ve been writing, and I’m starting to get a bit of a clue with social media 🤪
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Fuck it. LOL. All’s well enough. So…fuck it. 😜

Currently

eating : salads

drinking : lime water

watching : “You”, on Netflix (I hated this show when it first came out. Now we’re into season 3 & I love it!)

reading : One Italian Summer by Rebecca Serle

playing : nothing really

buying : shorts! I have too many colorful & patterned items in my closet. I feel like a rainbow with legs LOL

listening to : “Out All Night” by the Pietasters is on right now

celebrating : lazy days of summer

pinning : empowering images, self care, pretty pics for Notion covers, yoga, travel

planning : family dates, maybe a party (cuz I desperately need to get drunk & burn shit LOL)

feeling : not too shabby!

Rock on!

What If Your Midlife Crisis Is Actually Emotional Exhaustion?

zen

Why did I think I’d escape the good ol cliche “mid life crisis”? Oh yeah, because I was sure I already went through one like ten years ago. Yet here we are.

I keep coming across reminders that I need to “Reclaim a part of myself”. The random stale Camel from the pack I’ve had for 3 years because I quit smoking 6 years ago. A renewed passion for music and concerts (since I was the local ska princess 20+ years ago lol). And craving urbex, deep conversations, and fun parties.

Or at least an occasional break from homeschooling, making dinners, & attempting to clean the house (always a futile goal).

Is it a mid life crisis though? Or emotional burnout from all the bullshit I’ve been through the past few years (caregiving, stress, the world melting down)?

Yeah, probably both.

Could be worse though, I suppose… 😉

🔥 Reclaiming yourself isn’t selfish — it’s survival.

Got your own midlife (or burnout) story? Share it in the comments or repost with your own “clues from the universe.” Let’s normalize the chaos.

Stay weird. Stay loud. Stay you. ✨

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Rock on!

Solo Shows, Old Ghosts, and Decent Beer: A Night Out with Myself

Where I'm At

*Wall of Guitars at the Riviera Theater*

(In case you missed it, you can read my pervious post for context here : Grief, Love, and Loud Music: Why I’m Chasing a Ghost at a Rock Show)

I had a pretty good time at the Reverend Horton Heat show! By myself. My absolute only real complaint was that the seats were super small & there was no “pit”.

Before

My car has a power steering leak, but that sure as hell wasn’t about to stop me lol! I parked in a slightly sketchy spot around the corner from the venue, on the street so I could get out easily afterward.

I ended up walking a block in the other direction to pick up a pack of sneaky smokes – they didn’t have my Camels, so I settled for Marb Blacks. $15, oof! Good thing I’m not a regular smoker lol!!

Bought myself a can of Molson because they didn’t even have Budweiser at the bar (though I prefer Rolling Rock). $7 for a can of beer! But it was worth it to not have to listen to screaming children all day LOL! Had some nostalgic fun hanging out in the venue’s “patio”. It was unusually chilly, but refreshing.

During

How have I never heard of Zydeco music?!?

Nathan and the Zydeco Cha Chas were lots of fun! They encouraged everyone to get up & dance for most of their set, which was exactly what I needed! Nathan & the washboard player even wandered around the crowd & got everyone moving, & now I’m officially a fan! 🤩

RHH did their thing — solid as always — but the crowd was kind of a buzzkill. I had fun singing along to most of their songs, but everyone else at the show is such a drag, it’s absurd to me. It’s nice to see the band, but the crowd kinda ruins it for me to be honest – why go to a show if you’re not gonna dance?!? I got a shirt & a tote bag, and ducked out a little early to beat the crowd (cuz, y’know, power steering). (Oh, and because my phone was dying & I wanted to make sure I knew how to get home lol.)

Him

I didn’t see him at all. I wasn’t looking too hard, but for all I know he’s dead 😑 Or he moved to another state. Or he just wasn’t there. Or he was & I just didn’t see him. Lol. Either way…

I’m disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to at least say hi. I left still feeling a bit lost. Something’s still missing.

But yeah, I left with a mix of peace and confusion. But overall…

It was a fulfilling time. I got to feel like myself for a few hours. Lots of smiles & dancing a bit hehe ☺️

If you’ve ever chased a memory to a loud venue or danced your heart out just to feel something real — I see you.

Tell me about your favorite solo adventure, or a night that surprised you. I’d love to hear it.

And if you’re new here, hit subscribe and stick around for more stories from the edge of chaos.

Rock on. 🖤

Where I’m At #10

Where I'm At

“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life at any random time, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Well, I was planning on hosting a baby shower for my step daughter, but she hasn’t talked to anyone (myself, her father, her aunt) in like 3 weeks so we’re assuming her mom is setting something up for her. Which is unfortunate, but we can’t let it bother us. So, I don’t know what I’m planning right now lol. Hubby & I have our 6th wedding anniversary coming up, so we’ll have to figure something out for that.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : I’ve lost 10 pounds so far!!! I’ll share a separate post on that sometime soon, to share what I’ve been doing. My mind is clearing up a bit after that concert, but I still don’t have enough time to do all the things I want to do lol (such is the human condition, eh?) And I’m tempted to go back to college & get my RN certification (more on that in a future post too…probably).
marriage : 6 year anniversary coming up! We’ve been doing a little better each day since we respectfully aired some grievances, so…yay!
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. BooBoo has been obsessed with toads – she even put a teeny tiny one in her unicorn makeup bag & tried to make a pet out of it lol! And Bubby is in love with the concepts of “queens” & “princesses”, and being very elegant & wearing beautiful dresses hehe!
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Freaking out as usual. Lol. I have my letter of intent submitted; so now I have to compile an IHIP. BooBoo finished Easy Peasy’s Phonics class & has started Sight Words – the placement test suggested she’s not ready for 1st grade reading, but Sight Words seems too easy for her (maybe I’ll skip a few lessons?) (I could probably use to skip some math lessons too lol). I want to start a different PK2 curricula for Bubby soon too, because I don’t think she’s catching on as much as I’m comfortable with Easy Peasy’s PK.
zenBLITZ : I NEED TO MAKE MORE TIME TO WRITE!!! Let alone create digital products & whatnot. 😭
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : All is pretty well. Lots of focus on cleaning up the yard.

Currently

eating : Mulberries, blueberries, & wild blackberries – picked fresh daily! 😋

drinking : Lime water, coffee, wine

watching : Music videos

reading : I gave up on “Everything is Fucked” for now. Thinking about picking up “How to Win Friends & Influence People” (a classic) or “The Whole Brain Child. Not sure yet. (Any suggestions?!? 😉)

playing : Dolls with my kids

buying : Cheap plants from a local greenhouse

listening to : 90’s punk & ska, hehe

celebrating : 6 years of marriage, 8 years of dating!

pinning : journaling, self care, pretty colorful pics

planning : anniversary

feeling : ok

Where are you at? Let me know in the comments!

Rock on!!

Grief, Love, and Loud Music: Why I’m Chasing a Ghost at a Rock Show

Where I'm At

I feel the need to revisit a topic I wrote about a couple months ago, because I’ve since had a lot of thoughts floating around my head.

I wrote then about my friend who felt that he was in love with me; and as much as I absolutely loved the shit out of him, I never wanted more than a friendship.

We haven’t seen or talked to each other in over a decade.

But he’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. To the point where I’m going alone to a concert he’ll probably be at (if he even still lives around here) – not just to see if I can pull anything from the ashes, but also so I can get the fuck away from screaming children & feel like a human for a few hours LOL. (I’m literally trying to write this right now with screaming children running around because I haven’t had time to work on anything. I can practically feel the smoke coming out of my ears.)

The Past

Over the last couple months, a ton of old memories have been flooding back. And there was a lot of love there. Like, a LOT. I never even realized a lot of the things I do now because I was so young (in my 20’s), and always so scared of losing him.

I always worried so much about him cuz he was always dealing with so much stress, and I wanted to be there for him as much as I possibly could. I still do.

He had such an adorable smile, and he gave great hugs. I loved talking to him because he was so different from me, yet still so similar. He was encouraging, flattering, and really really sweet. Not to mention resilient as fuck, and I admired the hell out of that. He’s always been one of my absolute favorite people I’ve ever known.

He was also pretty brutal at times. (Though, isn’t everyone?) I loved him too much for that to scare me off…until he blatantly told me to fuck off. So…that sucked.

The Present

I’ve moved on with my life. I hardly thought about him for a long time – Just fleeting thoughts, wondering how he’s doing, wishing he were around to share bits of my life with. Overall, I was too busy living.

I don’t know what sparked him back in my mind. I really don’t.

I’ve noticed that grief works in cycles, at least for me. Part of me thinks this might just be my brain still grieving the relationship we had. Especially since I never fully understood why we don’t still have that.

Little random things keep happening too, that remind me of him. Which makes me wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. Which might be silly. But it also might not.

The Future

So, I’m going to see Reverend Horton Heat. He introduced me to them a million years ago, and they’ve since become my favorite driving tunes.

I won’t get my hopes up about him being there. But they kinda are, I’m not gonna lie. lol

I won’t get my hopes up about him being happy to see me. But I don’t really care (not gonna lie). If he’s not, I’ll still enjoy the show. And a couple beers. And no screaming children.

I just don’t want to waste any more time. I hate wasting time, cuz tomorrow is never promised and the “ALS gene time bomb” ticks louder in my ear every year.

If there’s ever anything I can do about anything, I always want to do it now.

And it’s so hard to connect with people these days, especially since COVID – I’d rather hold onto those I know I love, while I can.

Life’s too damn short to wonder what if forever.

If you’ve got someone on your mind lately — a friend, a flame, or even a ghost — maybe this is your nudge to reach out.

✨ Drop a comment if you’ve ever chased closure, connection, or just needed a night to feel alive again. I’m listening.

And hey, wish me luck. Either way. 🍻