However, I did fail to mention in my intro post that the chapter titles are going to be referencing song titles for various reasons. You’ll see!
Without further ado…
Image created with Gemini
Chapter 1 : 2007 > 2009 : Bad Reputation
Iโve never been very good at making friends. I was an only child growing up, and I was always a little โweirdโ, so that doesnโt help.
Thatโs probably why I liked gas station jobs so much. Nobody expects depth from you there โ just a transaction, a smile, maybe a joke if the moment feels right. You meet everyone: the kids with loose change and sticky fingers, the wealthy guy in a suit barking into his phone, the quiet woman who only buys scratch-offs, the old man who needs company as much as cigarettes. In those fleeting moments, you get the entire spectrum of humanity. And sometimes, if youโre lucky, you get to leave a spark behind.
โThe Appleโ was the fourth store I worked at, but my first in a city. The sheer volume of feet walking through the doors was exhilarating – The constant noise of chatter, cooler doors opening & closing, receipts printing, people complaining. Some people would hate that chaos. I found my zen.
That day, the line was brutal. I was dealing with a woman who suddenly decided she needed everything within reach โ chips, gum, batteries, a lighter sheโll never use. Her pile on the counter in front of me grew by the second. I plastered on my polite smile, though inside I was trying to figure out where I could bury her without getting caught.
Then I noticed someone peeking around her. Over the course of what felt like a million glances between us, Iโd noticed arms covered with vibrant ink that looked like stories etched into skin, a NOFX shirt worn soft at the edges, camo cargo shorts, and the kind of stance that said he was comfortable in his own chaos – my โtypeโ, wrapped up in an adorable little package.
Then our eyes met.
โOh, shit,โ I thought, as goosebumps covered my arms. His eyes were the most dangerous shade of blue Iโd ever seen: sharp, alive, sparkling with beautiful trouble. Something about him felt familiar, like weโd been circling each other across lifetimes. Married in another universe, maybe. Strangers here. I was officially intrigued.
My coworker called him over to her register – โCamel Wides,โ he said. A million more glances between us for those few seconds while she cashed him out.
He glanced at me once more, the shy smile of a kid with a crush this time, then walked out the door.
I told myself that was that. A fleeting spark. Something to tuck away and smile about later.
Still, curiosity gnawed at me. As soon as my line cleared, I leaned toward my coworker.
โWhatโs his deal?โ
She raised an eyebrow. โOh, thatโs just Jack. He flirts with everyone.โ
โNoted,โ I muttered, pretending I didnโt care. But I kinda did.
A couple hours later, the store phone rang.
โHi, is this Sally?โ
โYep,โ I replied.
โI was just in there a little bit ago, I donโt know if you remember – bald guy with tattoos? I think I forgot something while I was there.โ
โWhere, on the counter??โ I said as I started looking around.
โNo, I forgot to ask for your number.โ
There it already was – the infamous โflirts with everyoneโ.
Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to give him my number, and part of me remembered my reality.
I took a steadying breath. โWell, I appreciate the offer, butโฆ Iโm in a relationship.โ
A soft pause. โFair enough. Worth a shot.โ
We said goodbye. I hung up, convinced that was the end of it.
Holy hell was I wrong.
Next thing I know, I had a friend request on Facebook.
โHowโd you find me on Facebook?!?โ I asked.
โWell, youโre the only Sally who works at The Apple in town. Soโฆit wasnโt that hard,โ he chuckled.
โBetter question I guess would be why did you find me on Facebook?โ I was mildly creeped out. Still intrigued though.
โI want to get to know you. Is that ok?โ
โYeah, I guess so.โ
Over the course of months, we got to know each other a little bit.
One night, we went outside the store to hang out for a few minutes.
โEverything kinda sucks right now,โ he said with a duller tone than usual. โSo I signed up to go to Iraq in November. To get away from โnormalโ life for a bit. Maybe get some perspective. Or at least some distraction.โ
โYouโre in the army?!?โ I asked.
โ10 years and counting!โ
He went on. โI got a TBI a few years ago, on duty. I donโt even know what happened, other than I was knocked out for a few minutes. Apparently nothing too serious, but I do get symptoms of a stroke sometimes. Nobody knows why – Nothing shows on MRI scans.โ
Where was this coming from all of a sudden? Heโd never really opened up to me before – always just passing conversation when heโd stop in for gas or whatever. I couldnโt help but wonder what brought this on, but I wasnโt about to pry.
โI’m not gonna lie, you really don’t seem like the โarmyโ type to meโฆwhatever that means,โ I admitted.
He shrugged. โI’m also a corrections officer. And I used to be a cop.โ
My heart jumped into my throat. Maybe he’s not so much my โtypeโ.
โWhy the hell would you do that?!?โ I said half jokingly. He always seemed so chill, & fun. I could see if he were an EMT or something like that. But law enforcement?!?
โI knew I could.โ
I laughed. โWell, I could’ve been a prostitute, but that doesn’t mean I should!โ
โGood point,โ he smiled.
โWhat else should I know about you?โ I asked inquisitively.
โHm. WellโฆI’m divorced. I have 3 kids with my ex wife. We were stationed together in Washington, and then she ran off across to country with the kids. That’s how I ended up here – I’m not about to let her keep them from me for no good reason.โ
I was shocked. Why would she do that to him?!? She must have had her reasons, but I can’t imagine he could deserve that. There must be more to knowโฆ
โ3 kids!? How old are you?!?โ I asked.
โ35. How old are you?โ
โ23โ I giggled shyly. โZero kidsโฆso far!โ
โDon’t rush it, trust me!โ he smiled & shook his head at himself.
November came & went. He never gave me the chance to give him a hug & wish him well before he left, so I assumed Iโd never see him again.
Again.
An opportunity to work at a hospital and make more money came along, so I took it.
And I didnโt hesitate to look back. At least, thatโs what I thought at the time.
What did you think of Chapter One? Iโd love to know if any moments stood out to you โ drop a comment below or share your favorite line.
Stay tuned for Chapter Two โ and hit โlikeโ & โsubscribeโ if youโre along for the ride.
Some stories donโt ask permission โ they just show up, unpack their bags, and move into your head. This oneโs been living rent-free in mine for months, and I finally gave in and started writing.
So I started writing a novella a couple months ago. Iโve mentioned it here briefly, but my current lack of motivation to work on blog posts is making me think it might be worth sharing chapters of this very alive story from time to time, and I thought Iโd prepare you all for that! ๐
Itโs not fully planned out, and itโs still very much in progress. Itโs very raw & personal. Itโs about the friend Iโve mentioned that Iโve been missing a lot lately. (Well, the first part of it is about him, & things that actually happened.) – I just appreciate giving a little more life to our relationship, and honoring what we had. Cuz it was pretty epic.
So I hope youโll enjoy the ride as I work on it occasionally. (Donโt worry, my โregularโ content will still be the primary focus on my blog. – This is just a โside questโ, if you will.)
The Spark That Wouldnโt STFU
About a year ago now, someone said something that reminded me of an old friend, and all kinds of memories came flooding back about him. Relentlessly, because I was starting to feel some burnout from a situation Iโd been dealing with for a couple years prior.
He was always a source of love, comfort, & valuable perspective, even when he was dealing with his own struggles. He was someone I respected, admired, & adored immensely. His resilience & strength fed into my own and helped shape the woman I grew to be, even while he wasnโt around.
We never dated; our love was always platonic (though we probably wouldโve jumped on each other if given the opportunity!!) I never felt that I was capable of loving him the way he needed & deserved, and I think he felt the same way. I always felt that friendship was definitely better than nothing, and I still would have his back forever if heโd let me.
He ghosted me after a misunderstanding that he apparently didnโt want to work out. Which was the worst heartbreak of my life, if Iโm being completely honest.
With all those memories flooding back, along came the same unresolved grief Iโd experienced over ten years ago but with a more mature perspective.
So I decided to try to turn it into something as beautifully chaotic as it is. Maybe itโll help me find more peace with the situation, maybe not. But it deserves itโs tiny place in literary history, cuz it was a hell of a ride!
A Glimpse at the Story
Fair warning – the characters are ACCIDENTALLY named Jack & Sally. I say accidentally because heโs a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas, and thatโs not at all what the names are in reference to lol! When trying to think of names, I decided the girlโs name would be Sally because that was my โpen nameโ online back then (because of the Foxboro Hot Tubsโ song by that name). Jack struck me as an โedgy guy nameโ. And then I realized what I had doneโฆand decided not to care!
Ultimately, the story will follow Jack & Sally from when they met, and throughout decades. Obviously, a fair amount of the beginning is based on real memories, while the latter parts will drift into fiction based on experiences with other people in my life, including a little tragedy (which I wouldnโt wish on anyone, especially โJackโ). For the most part though, itโs somewhere between a fun, lighthearted love story, and a reckoning.
Coffee, Chaos, and Chapter Two (And a Half)
So far, writing it has been a treat! I’ve really enjoyed reminiscing about how sweet & fun that relationship was. It’s really been filling my heart with the same love I felt back then.
I’m only about 2ยฝ chapters in at this point. A couple spots were tough to figure out how to put together, but I think I managed. Everything that’s in there is in there for a reason.
I’m learning just how emotionally stoic I tend to be. And how passionate he tended to be. Which could balance us at times, and throw us extremely off balance at other times.
I’ve also realized just how much we genuinely loved each other. Which makes the heartache suck even more now than it did back then.
When do I find time to write? Mostly in the mornings, after I finish my essential focus work, and only if I don’t have a blog post to work on. In other words, rarely. But once I get started, I never wanna stop – I wish I could work on it all day every day! โค๏ธ
The Heart Behind the Words
This story isnโt just a recall of events, but more of an extension of my life philosophy & heart. Lots of emotional territory will get explored, from love to loss, to healing & rebellion & a sense of identity (even when that gets shaken).
Iโll be sharing bits and pieces here as I go โ maybe some full chapters, maybe just thoughts from the process. So if you like watching a story come alive in real time, stick around. This oneโs going to be interesting.
What would you like to see โ more โbehind the scenesโ posts or the chapters themselves?
And tell me this: what kind of stories haunt your mind until you write them down?
Letโs chat in the comments.
If this post resonated, give it a like, share it with a friend, and subscribe for more messy, heartfelt creative chaos.
Technically, May is ALS Awareness Month โ but for me, the awareness never ends. I live with it every October.
Which super sucks because my allergy season starts at the end of August & lasts throughout September. Couple that with always catching the same cold everyone gets at the end of September, and my body & mind is just shot by the time October rolls around.
October is my birth month. But itโs also the anniversary of my mom passing away. Soโฆeverything sucks.
Brace yourself for some โheavy shitโ. Iโd like to share why I am the way I am, what shaped my perspectives as I grew up, and how Iโm doing right now.
When My Mom Got Sick
I actually started writing a post explaining my familyโs history with ALS, but itโs still sitting unfinished in my drafts because it depresses the fuck out of me. Iโll probably share it sometime though.
My mom got sick when I was 14, right around Thanksgiving. She started having trouble swallowing & speaking because she had โbulbar onset ALSโ, which means her tongue was becoming paralyzed.
In the months that followed, I became a major caregiver for her. I found myself helping her on the phone & in person with debt collectors, doctors, everyone. It got to the point where I was the only one who could still understand what she was saying without her having to write anything down.
Then she couldnโt swallow at all anymore. So, she had a GI tube placed in her stomach so she could still get some nutrition. I helped โfeedโ her, and with cleaning the tube.
Nobody bothered to tell me that ALS progresses aggressively in our family – until recently, no oneโs survived longer than 18 months from the onset of symptoms. I thought I had time.
By the time the school year started, she was in pretty rough shape. But I was still more than happy to continue my duties as a caregiver. However, my momโs sister had other plans. She stepped in to help, ultimately pushing me out of the way so I could โfocus on schoolโ. (How the fuck was I supposed to focus on school with my mom wasting away at home? I digress…)
October rolled around, and she was rapidly getting weak in her limbs. Hospice was welcomed in. A hospital bed was placed in the living room for her. One of the aides stole money from my parents. Her diaphragm had become paralyzed & she refused to be intubated (because at that point, the stark reality of the situation is โwhy bother?โ) Everything sucked.
Four days after my 15th birthday, she passed away.
The Night Everything Broke
I was in my room listening to Rancid after dinner. Between songs, I heard a terrible noise from out in the living room. So I stopped & listened at the door. I knew I didnโt want to face the situation; I knew what was happening. So I spent a moment trying to find the courage to face the reality.
I walked out & stopped in the doorway to the living room. My momโs spit sucker was full of blood, and she was laying there lifeless with my dad, aunt, & uncle crying around her. Sheโd died of respiratory failure – in other words, sheโd just choked to death on her own blood. The terrible noise was my auntโs despair. The whole thing was horrific. Happy fuckinโ birthday.
My dad walked up & gave me a hug; thatโs literally the only time Iโd ever seen that man cry. When he let go, I walked over & held my aunt as she repeatedly screamed โIโm sorry, I did everything I couldโ. I didnโt shed a tear. Because thatโs how I am – deal with the situation, & get emotional about it later.
As a side noteโฆ There were a couple things Iโd found out about much later that I wish Iโd known sooner. For example, my mom had sleeping pills that she wanted to use before things got too bad for her to use them, and my aunt told her โshe couldnโt do that to (me)โ. Had I known, I wouldโve not only given them to her to shorten her horrific suffering, I wouldโve been able to say good bye.
Wellโฆ
What Comes After Death
I sat on the couch in front of her. My dad & uncle went outside to smoke cigarettes & drink for a little bit, while my aunt went in the kitchen to call the coroner & family members. They were understandably traumatized.
I got to thinking about how a body is just a shell. That this corpse in front of me was not my mom; my mom was with me in spirit. I could feel it.
Eventually, our vessels will fail us all. It doesnโt necessarily mean the end of our existence, though none of us truly know what happens in the next phase.
Then I realized I was sitting alone with my motherโs still twitching corpse. I got it in my head that this is how it is – Iโm alone in dealing with everything for the rest of my life; Iโm expected to be there for everyone else, and I donโt deserve anyone being there for me. After all, I was barely 15, sitting alone with my motherโs still twitching corpse.
And I screamed in devastated rage. I can still feel it, I can still hear myself. No one should have to feel like that.
My aunt came running & wrapped her arms around me. She told me โI knowโ. No, you have no idea. Everyone had already abandoned me & my grief. You canโt really come back from that.
Fast forward to the funeral a few days laterโฆ
Everyone met at my grandmaโs house. When it was time to leave for the church, I was forced toward the front of the line out the door.
She had a doorway from the kitchen to the stairs where the basement was, and then another doorway to the sun room, and then a doorway out of the house.
It was pouring all day. Quiet thunder rumbled in the distance.
The very second I stepped foot in the doorway to the sun room, it was like lightning struck in the yard – the loudest boom Iโve ever heard in my life & everything went completely white for a moment. I stopped dead in my tracks & was immediately hit with the idea that โthis is the dawning of the rest of my lifeโ. My aunt gently pushed me out the doorway.
And thatโs the attitude I felt the need to develop from there on – You donโt get to stop, you donโt get to feel. You just keep going, pushing forward, else youโll get sucked into a pit of despair.
I know better. I even knew better then. It inevitably always catches up to you eventually. But I had no choice; I was pushed out the door without acknowledgement.
At her funeral, I stood away from everyone. I wore a beautiful black velvet dress and held a red rose that someone had given me. I looked stunning.
But everyone seemed scared of me. Most of them didnโt even know who I was, nor did I know them. Why were they even there?!? They werenโt around my whole life, they werenโt around when she was sickโฆ Why bother being there at her funeral, โhonoringโ her & โexpressingโ condolences? I was infuriated. But at least I looked goodโฆ Ugh.
How I Buried It All (and Dug It Back Up)
Iโd forgotten about all of these things for years after.
About 10 years later, I got it in my head that Iโd like to advocate for ALS awareness & research. So I decided to start by participating in the local โWalk to Defeat ALSโ fundraiser.
Even my family members didnโt donate. (Well, I think one forked over 20 bucks.)
During that time, I found myself researching my familyโs history with the disease online. Much to my surprise (& horror), thereโs a lot more articles about us than I ever imagined. (And many many more now.)
Thatโs when I learned that we have one of the most aggressive SOD1 mutations in recorded medical history. Unlike everyone else who gets ALS, hereditary or sporadic, it wipes us out incredibly quick. And if we want to bother getting tested to find out whether or not weโve been cursed with the gene, a positive result for the mutation means thereโs a 96% chance that thatโs our death sentence.
The genetic time bomb ticks louder in my ear every year. Even though I’ve never been tested.
It was at this time that all these memories came flooding back to me. Iโd apparently repressed them, and they came back like a raging wildfire, tearing me the fuck apart in the process.
All those memories came back about a year after my father had his first stroke & cancer, and I was his only caregiver (for 12 years after, until he passed away).
And that was also when I lost my friend that Iโve mentioned briefly in previous postsโฆ. Because I was too overwhelmed to know how to express all this to him properly.
Still Healing
Here we are.
Iโm mentally & emotionally burned out from staying strong for the sake of taking care of my family during some chaos that lasted much too long.
So give me some grace as I work through all this mess – Iโll keep up with my weekly posts as best I can (& they should be more uplifting than this one!)
And thank you for giving me the space to vent – I hope I didnโt ruin your day LOL โค๏ธ
If youโve ever carried a loss that never fully leaves, know youโre not alone. Writing about it helps โ even if it takes decades to find the words.
โWhere Iโm atโ posts are just updates about whatโs going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Halloween fun is coming up! Trunk or Treat, pumpkin farm, and so on. Hopefully. My birthdayโs coming up too – Iโd really like to get some tattoos (hubbyโs not too pleased about it, but I donโt care lol.) (My goal as a kid was to get a tattoo every year for my birthday. I went poor before I even hit 21, so Iโve got some making up to do lol!)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Egh… Iโve lost almost 20 pounds so far, so Iโm pretty excited about that!!! I look & feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the year, so thatโs something to be proud of! Allergy season has been pretty hellish, as usual. Mentally, Iโm still struggling a bit. Lots going on in my life, and in my mind in general. But Iโm doing ok. I noticed that, for me, generalized depression & anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin, meaning that while one side is facing up, the other is still there – as a kid, depression was face up; in my 20โs and 30โs, it was anxiety (which I find easier to deal with most of the time); and starting this year, Iโm finding itโs flipped to depression again. Itโs ok though – lots of self care & Iโll manage just fine.
marriage : Things are ok. Little bit of a rough patch this month due to stress getting the best of us, but โendure, and keep yourselves for times of happinessโ, and weโre gradually doing better.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Weโll be switching BooBoo back to gymnastics, per her request; I think sheโll benefit a lot more from it than she was doing at the dojo sheโd been attending for karate. Bubbyโs excited that sheโll be able to practice techniques with her more, since theyโll be learning similar things.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Well, my original IHIP for BooBoo wasnโt accepted because it apparently wasnโt detailed enough, but the revised version was all good, soโฆyay! Sheโs loving school (even though she inevitably gives me a hard time during classes heh!) Bubbyโs getting more interested in learning to read, and sheโs picking up on a lot of new things, so thatโs awesome. She was even working on subtraction problems in a Kindergarten workbook we have, which is super awesome!!! ๐ฅฒ
zenBLITZ : Still loving my blog. Iโm enjoying writing about whateverโs been on my mind, and Iโm enjoying working on my fiction (ish) novella when I can. Social media sucks balls though!!! ๐
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : All good. Well enough, I should say. Iโm already thoroughly enjoying soup season hehehe!
Currently
eating – SOUP!! ๐
drinking – Barefoot Zinfandel, warm lemon water
watching – I havenโt really been into too many shows lately. Twisted Metal & You are still favorites. I like Joel McHale as the host of the 1% Club, and I absolutely loathe Martin Short as host of Match Game (come back, Alec!! ๐ญ)
reading – โThe Last Time They Metโ, by Anita Shreve (itโs a little dry so far). Finished โOne Italian Summerโ last month – it was good, kinda interesting premise, but a bit too drawn out for me to ever want to read it again lol
playing – Nothing, really
buying – Everything in Spirit Halloween LOL
listening to – At this particular second, โ21 Gunsโ by Green Day
celebrating – My birthday, I guess ๐ , Halloween
Last year, I shared a post about the idea of a โDo Nothing Dayโ, & it seemed like quite a few people found the concept pretty interesting. So, I thought Iโd reintroduce it with a couple of tweaks!
What is a โDo Nothing Dayโ?
Itโs a date you make with yourself where you do nothing. Almost literally.
For example, I spend all week homeschooling, running kids to extracurriculars, writing, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and on and onโฆ
On โDo Nothing Dayโ, Iโm not having any of that nonsense!
The dishes & laundry can wait. The kids can entertain & educate themselves a bit. And thereโs enough food in the freezer, pantry, & leftovers in the fridge that I shouldnโt have to cook, and nobodyโs gonna starve.
I clean my house every day, and still have to clean my house every day. Except โDo Nothing Dayโ. Cuzโฆfuck that shit.
Itโs perfectly reasonable to take time for your own sanity before you run yourself into burnout city. โYou canโt fill othersโ from an empty cupโ they say; and you canโt run a car on fumes for very long before it causes you even more problems. Iโve โpowered throughโ so much crap in my life, I know how it can sneak up on you.
When to โDo Nothingโ
I prefer to take Sundays as my โDo Nothing Dayโ. Not for religious reasons; I just figure most people donโt like to do things on Sundays, so there arenโt usually any parties or events to interrupt my plans.
Whatever day works best for you is up to you!
How to โDo Nothingโ
Honestly, these days I call it my โFuck All Dayโ; for my kids, itโs โWhatever Dayโ.
I only try to do things that bring me peace. If that includes doing laundry, so be it. If it includes writing in my journal all day, thatโs perfectly fine too.
My diet & exercise routines go out the window. I still do some yoga & tai chi, but I also eat all the carbs. My usually pitch black coffee is infused with pumpkin spice creamer (the only pumpkin spice I like!) and Trader Vicโs Macadamia Nut Liqueur; my breakfast is my ultimate comfort food- Chicken Flavor Maruchan Instant Lunch. ๐ And if thereโs leftover chicken wings or pasta salad in the fridge, bet your ass Iโm shoveling it in my face!
I reflect on the past week in my journal, and decorate the pages with washi tape, stickers, & photos.
Hubby usually throws something crazy together for dinner (or he just makes steak – what an angel! ๐), and he does the dishes. Or he doesnโt; I donโt really care either way.
And as I said, itโs โWhatever Dayโ for the kids. I always make them drink some water and eat fruit & protein for breakfast – if they finish that & want more, then they can have cereal or Toaster Strudel or whatever. On โWhatever Dayโ, they can have pizza & juice for breakfast for all I care.
I usually limit their screen time quite a bit too. But not on โWhatever Dayโ! Wanna watch videos of adults with too much time on their hands play Minecraft all day? Whatever! (Why?!? Why do people enjoy watching other people play video games, instead of playing the games themselves?!? Iโm just too old to understandโฆ)
Solo Retreats & Staycations
You could always take it to the next level if you wanted to (or if you donโt have time to carve out weekly) – schedule a โsolo retreatโ or โstaycationโ!
I actually read a little book about โSolo Retreatsโ that was published during the pandemic, which was cute. The book suggested bringing as many of the elements of a โretreatโ to your home! I guess it depends on what kind of โretreatโ youโre looking for, but it could include a schedule with meditation, yoga, journaling, indulging in hobbies, a fulfilling menu, maybe some fun drinks, candles, a bath, a bonfireโฆ What would you do on a retreat?
Same with โstaycationsโ. What would you do on a vacation that you could do in your own neighborhood? Odds are good that you wouldnโt have to drive far to find historic spots, museums, new boutiques, or restaurants youโve never tried. Companies make Capri Sun-esque pouches of wine & margaritas that you could take to a lakeshore beach, yโknow?
So schedule some time for sanity maintenance – whether a weekly โDo Nothing Dayโ, a monthly โSolo Retreatโ, or an occasional โStaycationโ – a little break from routine can go a long way!!
๐ If this gave you ideas, try scheduling your own Do Nothing Day this week. Then come back and tell me how it went!
What did you love to do as a kid? And why the hell did you stop?
Oh yeah, work. And family. And life got in the way.
By the time you finally get a few moments, youโre too wiped out to do more than scroll or crash in front of Netflix.
But is that leaving you feeling fulfilled at the end of the day? Probably not.
So hereโs an invitation to consider reigniting some of your youthful passions and bring some spark back into your life, at least a couple days a week!
The Compass of Childhood Joy
Whatever lit you up as a kid or a teenager might still give you clues as to what would make you happy as an adult.
It doesnโt matter if they were solo hobbies like writing & reading or active hobbies like skateboarding & playing sports – donโt you think those things might still bring you joy today?
And what do these kinds of activities say about who you were, and still are?
Literal Play vs. Adult Adaptation
Of course, not every childhood hobby fits neatly into adulthood.
If you liked pretending you were a superhero or building blanket forts, those are great ways to bond with your own kids or nieces & nephews. Or just playing by yourself, Iโm not here to judge! – You could create a cozy reading nook instead of a blanket fort, or become an EMT instead of pretending to be a superhero!
Most childhood hobbies can be adapted in some way to your adult life. Pretend games can turn into fabulous fiction books, and climbing trees can look like hiking or mountain climbing.
The possibilities are endless! The point is that play matters throughout your life, regardless of whether itโs literal or adapted.
Nostalgia as Medicine
Returning to old hobbies isnโt just fun โ itโs healing! Youโre reclaiming pieces of yourself that were left behind.
Nostalgia can be a form of self-care (for example: adult coloring books, roller skating comebacks, LEGOs for grown-ups).
Passion First, Profit Second
Some hobbies can even evolve into businesses and โside hustlesโ, but you need to be aware of your passion levels throughout – monetizing too soon can kill the joy, & if itโs not fun, why do it?!?
Writing has always been a thread in my life. As a kid, I made weekly comics for my classmates. That grew into short stories, then poetry, then even some (slightly rebellious) light erotic fiction. For a while, life got in the way and I stopped โ but when I sat down to write a little book on goal setting, I remembered how much fun it was. Since then, writing has evolved into blogging, poetry, fiction, and whatever else sparks me in the moment. No profit yet โ maybe someday โ but the real win is that I found the joy again.
My friend Josh is the perfect example. In high school, his passion was playing guitar. But when it came time for college, he chose engineering โ something he was good at, but didnโt love โ because it promised steady money. Still, he found ways to keep music alive, freelancing as a guitar teacher and joining a band. When the pandemic hit, he leaned on engineering and made solid money designing blueprints, but he hated every minute of it. As soon as restrictions lifted, he dropped the job and went back to teaching guitar and playing shows. Now he makes a living doing what he loves, and I couldnโt be prouder. ๐
Are any of your childhood hobbies on there? Should they be?
They might be a gateway to the โFuck Yeahโ zone! ๐
Journaling Prompts
Want to go deeper? Grab your journal and play with these questions. Sometimes the answer to โWhat lights me up?โ is already sitting in the toy box you left behindโฆ
What were my top 3 favorite hobbies as a kid? What feelings did each give me?
If I had one whole Saturday with zero responsibilities, which of those hobbies would I instinctively do first?
Are there ways to adapt my old hobbies into adult life? (Ex: blanket forts โ interior design or cozy home rituals; rollerblading โ dance or hikingโฆor even roller derby!; pretend games โ creative writing).
Which of my hobbies still sneak into my life now, even in small ways?
What does this say about who I am โ then and now?
How could I reclaim even one hour a week for something I loved as a child?
What hobby could I share with my kids, friends, or partner as a way of reconnecting with play?
Do I feel pressure to monetize my hobbies? If so, how would it feel to let them only be for joy again?
What piece of myself do I think Iโll โget backโ by doing this hobby again?
Itโs never too late to pick up the sketchbook, the rollerblades, the guitar.
Try one this week. Play, create, explore โ then come back and let me know how it felt.
See if it still makes you โfuck yeahโ!
If you liked this post, please give it a โlikeโ, share it with friends, and subscribe if youโre new.
The days are getting shorter, and weโre entering the โdark halfโ of the year – The autumn equinox is on September 22. This is the perfect time for a little introspection to prepare your whole life to hunker down for the rain, snow, & cold (if thatโs the weather you get where you are)!
In this post, Iโd like to share some journaling prompts to help you contemplate where youโre at and where youโd like to be over the coming months. Prepare for a combination of practical planning and emotional unpacking.
Why Journaling Matters This Time of Year
This time of year invites inward focus because there usually arenโt as many events available to steal your outward attention (concerts, carnivals, etc).
Itโs always better to spend some time with yourself than it is to scroll social media or binge watch comfort shows on TV.
Journaling gives you a mirror for your inner world โ and during darker months, that mirror becomes even more valuable.
The Prompts
โจ Emotional Unpacking
What needs to be unpacked, mentally & emotionally, over the coming months? Now is the time of year to lean in to the shadows to find true light.
What fears, resentments, or regrets surface more clearly in the quiet/dark? How can you hold space for them without judgment?
What outer (public facing) parts of your life could be put to rest for the winter?
What inner areas of yourself could use some fresh attention?
๐ก Home + Environment
Tidy up outside if winter is coming, and then start cleaning inside.
Brainstorm tasks & organize by area / room.
Bust out the cozy blankets & hot cocoa mugs! And if you donโt keep your Xmas lights up year-roundโฆconsider it? I do! ๐
๐ Holidays + Traditions
What are your plans for the holidays?
Do you need a Halloween costume?
What might you be doing for Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Year’s, Festivus, whatever you celebrate?
Do you need to get anybody gifts?
Donโt forget whatโs important to you โ How do you envision each of these holidays going, ideally? What intentions do you have for each (such as more peace, less spending, reconnecting with tradition, creating new rituals)?
๐ Planning for the Year Ahead
Do you need to plan for a new planner for next year? Donโt overcomplicate it! Better to undercomplicate it & add as you find necessary. Sometimes all you need is a monthly or weekly calendar!
๐ฏ Goals + Reflection
How are your goals going?
What can you still accomplish by the end of the year?
Whatโs worth dropping or postponing so you enter the new year lighter?
Whatโs something surprising youโve accomplished so far this year that wasnโt on your original list?
Wins: What fun did you have this past spring / summer? What did you accomplish? Little things still count! What did you overcome? What are you proud of?
What am I looking forward to most in the coming months?
Closing Thoughts
This time of year isnโt just about survival โ itโs a chance to deepen, let go, and realign. Try at least one of the prompts above, or spread them out over the coming weeks, and see what comes up for you.
Save this list to revisit throughout the season โ you might be surprised how your answers shift over time.
Which of these prompts speaks to you most right now? Drop it in the comments or share it with a friend who journals.
If you liked this post, please give it a โlikeโ, and subscribe if youโre new.
โWhere Iโm atโ posts are just updates about whatโs going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Blah! Well, Iโm looking forward to planning the usual autumn activities with the kids – apple picking, pumpkin farms, that sort of thing. And itโs about time to stop dying my hair teal so it can fade a little before I start dying it purple for autumn & winter! Oh, we went on a surprise camping trip with our skoolie for the first time! It was a lot of fun despite hubby blowing a brake line & almost killing us all in the mountains ๐ญ At least my hair looked cool with my cowgirl hat lol
self : Doing great with my diet & exercise still! Iโm losing about a pound a week, which is reasonable. My appetite is definitely kicking up with the cooler temperatures though ๐ฌ just gotta stay mindful! Allergy season is definitely upon me, as it is every year – Whole body tingling & almost vibrating, fish bowl for a head (sinus pressure), perpetually exhausted, sneezing, dripping nose, itching everywhere – Like having a cold for a month & a half. Ugh.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We really enjoyed the Kansas concert – he might have enjoyed it a little too much LOL! We really like shopping for Halloween stuff, & that time is almost nigh, soโฆyay! Iโll have to figure out a better date though. Maybe a little wine tour or something.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The lil monsters are good. Bubbyโs super proud of how well she does in gymnastics! And BooBoo just got her Jr Orange & Yellow Belt in karate – Iโm impressed with how seriously she takes what she learns!
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Moving along. I need to get Bubby into doing a little more – I still donโt know if sheโs dyslexic (I have to contact the school), but sheโs picking up on letter sounds better than letter identification still. So, sheโs progressing, but sheโs obviously still struggling to some degree.
zenBLITZ : I actually started writing a novella! Or novel? I donโt know yet, weโll see where it takes itself. Iโve been reading a fiction book called โOne Italian Summerโ by Rebecca Serle, & itโs not too bad. I havenโt read any fiction in a lot of years, so itโs inspired me to add my own story to the world. I havenโt written fiction since short stories in 4th grade, but itโs been quite a bit of fun so far!
witch : Havenโt really been doing anything here, but Iโve added some yoga & tai chi to my daily exercise routine, which definitely have spiritual elements to them. I have a couple of simple kundalini yoga videos in my rotation too, which areโฆpretty interesting ๐
Currently
eating – I’M EXCITED FOR SOUP SEASON!!! ๐๐
drinking – Barefoot White Zinfandel (in moderation, lol) ๐ท
watching – Peacemaker has been surprisingly entertaining lol. Same with Twisted Metal.
reading – Still working on One Italian Summer, but still enjoying it
playing – Wishing I had time to try Roblox, cuz my kids are obsessed (and I’m sure I would be too lol)
buying – Halloween decor that I definitely don’t need ๐ Pair Eyewear tops (I’m obsessed!!)
listening to – Chasing Rainbows by RHH & Dilemma by Green Day are still favorites
celebrating – apple cider season hehe
pinning – planners, self care, free spirit, & tattoos
Sometimes, the way we view our circumstances can either propel us forward or hold us back. Itโs not about dismissing how we truly feel but about finding a perspective thatโs more useful, more productive, and ultimately more empowering.
The Power of Perspective
Life is rarely black and white. The same situation can feel overwhelming or manageable, depending on the lens through which we view it. For example, a setback at work might initially feel like a failure, but shifting your perspective can reveal it as an opportunity to learn, grow, or even pivot in a new direction.
The key is to acknowledge your emotions without letting them dictate your entire outlook. Itโs okay to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even stuck. But once youโve processed those feelings, ask yourself: Is there another way to look at this?
When my ex left after nearly 11 years, I was understandably devastated for a week or so – Then I realized that, while we were meant to be together for a time, weโd definitely pushed it beyond its โbest by dateโ.
Why Perspective Matters
Perspective shapes our reality. When weโre stuck in a negative mindset, itโs easy to spiral into self-doubt or inaction. But when we consciously choose to reframe our thoughts, we open ourselves up to new possibilities.
For instance, instead of thinking, โIโll never get this right,โ try, โThis is challenging, but Iโm learning something valuable.โ This subtle shift doesnโt erase the difficulty of the situation, but it does make it feel more manageable.
Iโve been learning about shifting perspectives in unexpected ways โ sometimes through everyday moments with my step-daughter, and sometimes through heartbreak Iโll never fully understand. With both, Iโm reminded that while I canโt control how the story ends, I can choose what lessons I carry forward.
How to Shift Your Perspective
Acknowledge Your Feelings Start by recognizing how you truly feel. Suppressing emotions only makes them harder to process.
Ask Reflective Questions Whatโs another way to look at this situation? Whatโs the lesson here? How can I grow from this?
Focus on What You Can Control Instead of fixating on whatโs out of your hands, direct your energy toward actionable steps.
Practice Gratitude Even in tough times, thereโs usually something to be grateful for. Shifting your focus to these positives can help balance your perspective.
The Balance Between Honesty and Optimism
Shifting your perspective doesnโt mean ignoring reality or pretending everything is fine. Itโs about finding a balance between honesty and optimism. You can acknowledge the challenges while still looking for ways to move forward.
For example, if youโre feeling stuck in your career, you might say, โIโm not where I want to be, but I have the skills and determination to get there.โ This approach validates your current experience while keeping the door open for progress.
Final Thoughts
Life is full of ups and downs, and how we choose to view those moments can make all the difference. By shifting your perspective, youโre not undermining your feelingsโyouโre giving yourself the tools to navigate them more effectively.
So the next time youโre faced with a challenge, take a moment to step back and ask yourself: Is there a more useful way to look at this? You might be surprised at how much of a difference it can make.
I donโt always get this right โ sometimes rumination still spirals into negativity โ but reminding myself to ask, โIs there another way to look at this?โ has pulled me out of so many mental ruts.
Thanks for reading! If this resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need a little perspective shift today.
๐ What perspective shift has changed YOUR life? Drop it in the comments โ your story might be exactly what someone else needs today.