The Myth vs The Morning After

Relationships are complicated because everyone is different – and so is every relationship.

Some people prefer to be alone. Some prefer to be in “open” relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Some prefer the cultural institution of marriage.

What does a marriage involve anyway? Perpetual devotion, walking hand in hand into the daily sunset until death do you part? Cooking holiday dinners side by side, year after year? Banging wildly every chance you get? Ideally, I suppose.

But every relationship has its ups & downs. We all go through phases in life, and we all change to some degree over time.

Same with the evolution of relationships. There’s the initial spark, the early electricity, the optimism of marriage, perhaps adding kids into the mix…burning out a bit. Let’s be real here, yeah? Life rolls in plenty of storms. Can your relationship weather the challenges?

It’s important to honor the fantastic, idealized picture you may have in your mind of the way things are “supposed” be, but it’s equally important to question that picture and consider how to integrate it into reality.

When Love Stops Being Cinematic

Some quick personal background info :

• I’m the type for long term relationships – I dated my high school sweetheart on & off for 5 years, I was with my ex fiance for nearly 11 years, and I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years now.
• I don’t really believe in marriage… even though I’ve been married for almost 7 years. I mean, I guess I kinda do believe in marriage (LOL), but I feel like society pressures us to get married. And I obviously think people tend to change too drastically for a 50 year marriage to be realistic. Just being honest.
• I started studying long term relationships & tantra as a teenager – I’ve always known long term relationships require copious amounts of “work” to keep things interesting. My husband’s the same, though somewhat unintentionally.
• Also, my husband was married for 30 years before he met me. Let’s not get into that shitstorm though…
• I’m not an expert on anything. (No one is.)

With that said…

Relationships inevitably move from performance to presence.

Love quietly shifts from novelty to the liminal space of coexisting with another unique human being who you (hopefully) continue to admire, adore, and fight the battles of life with. Spontaneity sways back & forth with responsibility. Parenting, exhaustion, and life logistics reshape intimacy – What shape it takes is up to both of you.

Perhaps intimacy at a certain point needs to be viewed as enjoying the journey, not the destination.

That is tantra.

The Unsexy Truths That Actually Sustain Love

Life is short and everyone changes. That’s the unsexy truth, the harsh reality, and… the beauty of life.

I’m not the same person I was when I started dating my husband, and he’s not the same person either. (Are you the same person you were a decade ago? Not likely. Or possible.)

I’m now in my 40s. Despite my best efforts, I’m still about thirty pounds heavier than I was a decade ago (thanks, kids! 😂). Everything hurts & I’m perpetually exhausted. Mentally & physically.

He’s now in his 60’s. Doing pretty well for a “boomer” though! 🤣 He’s grown his hair out (to my dismay), and he’s a little wrinklier than he was – but still a handsome SOB! He now has arthritis, constant pain from the slipped discs in his neck, and he seems to be allergic to, well, everything. And he occasionally has some fairly minor mental health issues due to an old TBI (or 2…or 5), including sleep issues. In other words, his everything also hurts & he’s also perpetually exhausted.

Over time, your body changes, your energy levels shift, your mental health may veer a little sideways at times, and…desire overall changes form.

This is normal. This is to be expected. Staying grounded in that reality helps sustain the connection.

Redefining Erotic Energy

If you did the math, you can tell my husband’s a bit older than I am. Quite a bit.

Before we even started dating, we each dumped all of our baggage out for the other to decide if they really wanted to help carry it all. (We both have a lot of baggage, LOL!)

One of the things he mentioned was that, because of his age, his dick didn’t work that great anymore.

I told him, “I don’t need your dick hard to make love to you”.

Saying that, I knew one of two things would happen – either, like a fucking snake charmer, it would come to attention & get to work, OR, I would have to prove my point.

Spoiler alert – both happened. 😆

Side note – neither of our kids are “little blue pill babies”.

How?

Let me tell you…

Tantra.

When most people hear the word tantra, they envision fucking for hours on end. And while prolonged intimacy can be part of tantra, focusing only on sex completely misses the philosophy.

Tantra is about enjoying the journey, without focus on the destination.

This philosophy is relevant far beyond the bedroom. This is viewing life itself as erotic – seeking pleasure & joy in every moment, not just sexually. It’s about living vibrantly.

In a long term relationship (or marriage), that implies :

• paying attention to each other’s subtle clues about how the other is feeling
• maintaining playfulness (my husband likes to dance-vacuum naked sometimes, when the kids aren’t around of course 😜)
• finding joy in simply spending time together
• being present with that time together
• maintaining curiosity about who we’re becoming as a couple and as individuals
• being affectionate throughout the day without the agenda of turning each other on
• and, perhaps most importantly, loving what’s in front of us instead of grieving what once was, emotionally & physically

We try to steal quick moments to shove our tongues down each others’ throats. Of course, the kids tend to rush in, wanting to turn it into a group hug situation. Bless their little souls lol.

We help each other around the house, even if the other says, “that’s ok, I got it”. “The fuck you do; what can I do to help?”

We laugh at everything we can. We sneak adventures in whenever we can (antique stores aren’t nearly as nerdy as I once thought!)

We constantly try to share interest in each other.

And, on the rare occasion that children, physical pain, or exhaustion aren’t killing the mood, we make love for as long as we possibly can.

It’s a lot of effort. But anything worth doing requires effort.

And that’s tantra – putting in the effort to maintain joy, for ourselves, and for each other.

The Grief No One Warns You About

Maintaining that effort by finding compassion for each other throughout challenging experiences is the true test of a long term relationship. Keeping up with communication is a major challenge, notably for me.

Life can throw any number of curveballs at any time – illness, injury, emotional distress, financial stress, and the list goes on.

I often find myself grieving a past version of my husband – exploding with vibrant vitality, optimism, compassion for others, and unadulterated ambition. A neon fucking light in the dark. And while that’s still him at his core, life’s curveballs have hit him in the balls a few times over the years. Mine too.

Part of me resents his not-so-gradual turn to pessimistic rumination & general distaste for the majority of humanity. But I get it. (Kind of.) Resentment can coexist with devotion, with some effort. I try to be a “smart wife” – understand what he’s going through, approach it with curiosity & compassion, and keep trying to steer him back toward his own neon fucking light. Without losing my own in the process.

We’re all constantly evolving, & that can be a struggle at times. Patience and trust are essential virtues within committed relationships, of any kind.

Choosing Love as a Practice Instead of a Feeling

Love isn’t always easy – Effort itself is a major act of devotion.

So, start now.

Who do you love? And what do you do to remind them that they’re loved?

You can only buy so many colorful bouquets & heart-shaped boxes of sugar once a year before the thought doesn’t count for much anymore.

And like in Green Day’s song “Redundant” – “When ‘I love you’s’ not enough, I’m lost for words”.

Take it up a notch.

Plan an unusual date night. Dress up & sing a song (especially if you can’t sing). Bust out the handcuffs (everyone has handcuffs, right?)

My Valentine’s gift for hubby this year is a jar full of love notes – reasons why I’d still marry him today. He can pull one out on a day when I maybe tell him to go fuck himself, and be reminded that an occasional shitshow doesn’t define our entire relationship.

Do something. Consider it intentional maintenance, because all relationships are ecosystems which require tending.

A North Star – Not A Blueprint

I recently discovered a poet on Facebook named Christopher Sexton.

This is the first piece of his work that I was introduced to :

her creativity is my kink.

there’s nothing more seductive

than her

stripping down

to her original essence,

soaked in a feral flow state,

birthing galaxies from her genius.

i want her barefoot on the hardwood,

dancing in paint,

whispering poetry

to the sunrise,

paid in ecstasy

and eye contact

for simply being alive.

i want her calendar filled with nothing

but creation and kisses.

i’m building a world where

she doesn’t need to clock in because

her beauty already bends time.

i want to pay the bills

so she can pay attention

to the parts of her

this world taught her to abandon.

her job description?

bloom until the garden can’t

contain her.

her only responsibility?

reminding gravity

it can’t keep a woman like her

down.

her uniform?

poetry so naked

that truth feels overdressed.

her boss?

the rhythm of her breath.

her references?

the god that studied her heart

before creating

heaven.

the angels

birthed from the art

of her unedited expression.

her entire employment history

can be summed up in one line:

hired by life itself,

to remind every soul watching

that existence is

erotic.

she moans differently

when she’s dripping

in theta waves.

if i’m gonna be a provider,

let me provide her with overtime pay

to nap naked in the sunlight

on a thursday

while the wind writes love songs in her hair.

lingerie is cute and all,

but have you ever seen the lost art

of her unclenching her shoulders

and spreading open inside

her own limitlessness?

now.

that.

is.

fucking.

sexy.

If my husband were a writer, that’s what I know he would’ve written for me when we first got together. So reading that poem brings up a lot of feels.

It represents the ideal of being fully witnessed & adored.

That’s the “north star”.

Long term, love isn’t always living inside that ideal – but it can still orbit it.

Through the chaos of life & children, we make sure to show that we still see each other. We make sure we still give & take each other’s support, even if more imperfectly than before. And we make sure to maintain space in our lives for creativity & aliveness.

That’s the tantra.

Love as Evolution

People change, relationships change… Such is life. If we weren’t constantly changing, we wouldn’t constantly be growing. And that would be bad.

Change is good. “The only constant in life is change”, as Heraclitus said. Permanence is an illusion.

But to keep life enjoyable, you need to put in the work. And enjoy the work in the process.

Stay curious, especially with your loved ones, and stay real. That’s the only advice I can truly give.

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Relationships don’t stay alive on autopilot. They stay alive through curiosity, humor, forgiveness, and effort.

If this resonated with you, take five minutes today to do something intentionally loving – for your partner, or for yourself.

What’s one small way you could nurture connection today?

And I’d love to hear your experience – what has long-term love taught you that no one warned you about?

If you’d like to read more about my husband & I, check out this post right here 👉 Marriage, Music, and Mayhem: 6 Years with My Wild Older Husband

Stay real, stay loud, & rock the fuck on! 🤘💚