“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeahhh. Mostly planning to not lose my shit as warmer weather approaches & life gets busy. 🤪 I gotta figure out a tea party for April, & then BooBoo’s birthday is at the beginning of May (she wants to invite her cute gymnastics coach, which I’m almost not opposed to LOL). And we’re late on bowling.
self (body & mind) : Well, the household got a second (though less intense) round of sickness, so…that sucked. Still working on getting back into my diet & exercise routines. Had my annual PCP visit, & she commended me on my 20lb weight loss since last year, so that’s cool hehe. My mind’s been a bit chaotic, but… I’m trying. I realized the other day that I’ve been confusing the word nihilism with hedonism (I knew nihilism wasn’t the right word, I just couldn’t think of the right one lol), so now I’m doing some research & formulating a possible future blog post lol – that might be fun 😆
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re both sick of being sick. We’ve been enjoying Panera dates lately hehe 😋 Green Goddess salad & pomegranate hibiscus tea are personal faves right now!
No serious injuries…yet
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. I actually am taking BooBoo out alone for a mini date today, to get her hair trimmed & I think she wants to go to Five Below & then get a Happy Meal. We’ll see lol. These kids are obsessed with Roblox (I would be too if I were their age lol) & roller skating around the house. We’ve been having fun playing with dolls & makeup – I taught them how to put lipstick kisses on paper hehe. Oh, BooBoo’s got glasses now; she says they make her smart lol 😊
She’s adorable & she knows it
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s starting to get better with writing & letter recognition, & she can even “sight read” some words, which is great! BooBoo hates reading for no apparent reason, but her reading comprehension is definitely improving!
zenBLITZ : I’ve gotten SO behind on my posts, UGH! I haven’t had the time or energy to create much of anything lately, to be honest. Blargh. I’ll get back ahead of things pretty soon here. I hope.
(step) gramma : Chiquita Banana’s doing great! She’s such a happy, inquisitive little booger – it’s always a pleasure to see babies evolve, especially when you’re not seeing it all day every day because it’s easier to acknowledge from some perspective. She’s got 2 teeth now, she stands beautifully with minimal assistance, and she still loves the gingerbread man toy I got for her lol. She gets elated to see her Aunties BooBoo & Bubby, and they both love playing with her & feeding her. Too cute.
Currently
eating – Blueberry yogurt, at the moment lol. It’s officially salad season, now that it’s spring – so I think mushroom salad is in the plan for the week (pan fried mushrooms with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette)
drinking – Lotsa lime water. I quit drinking coffee & wine when I was sick, so now when I do drink them, they actually do their jobs LOL (kinda)
watching – Doom Patrol. Masked Singer. Suddenly Amish. I dunno…I can’t hardly pay attention to TV (so movies are definitely not my thing) – I always find myself too tired to be able to focus on shows. OH! The Scrubs reboot has really been rocking my socks though!! 🤩
reading – When You Read This by Mary Adkins – very interesting format, kind of enjoyable story so far
playing – The Sims Freeplay, mostly. I don’t know why I get so sucked in to this game, but it’s been an obsession on & off for like 15 years lol
buying – Too much, apparently. Well…I’ve behaved fairly well. Hubby, on the other hand, insisted we get a full size bounce house – he’s always wanted one, & we can afford to get it so…fuck it lol. He’s also trying to buy back “the Roger Rabbit car” he tried to buy when we were first together, but his friend ended up buying it (it’s a Bugatti-style golf cart that was actually used in the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”) Funny.
listening to – The Interrupters, at the moment
celebrating – SPRING! I can’t wait to be able to open & doors & windows & get some fresh air in the house, OMFG
To finish up my “health” related posts this month, I thought I’d share some stories from my time working in an Emergency Department a decade or so ago.
I started working at a local hospital in (I think) 2009 as a housekeeper (or “Environmental Services”, to make it sound more professional). Did that for two years before they changed management and I got pissed off & quit (more like threw my badge at them, told them to shove it, reminded them that I busted my ass for that place, and continued to bitch the whole way out the door. I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)
I went back a couple years later, with the intention of finding something better to do within the realm of healthcare. After an additional year of grinding my teeth in “Environmental Services”, I transferred to the Emergency Department as a “Patient Care Assistant” (which is basically a nursing assistant with no formal education & barely any training).
I hated it.
That’s a lie.
I resented the fact that I was supposed to spend 2 months training with a preceptor, but I only got 2 weeks (which amounts to a whopping 4 days on 12 hour shifts). Nobody gave a fuck – I talked to supervisors, managers, the union… no help. The company’s motto at the time was “Taking care of you is what we do”, yet they didn’t even take care of their own.
I also resented the fact that 97% of my coworkers were jaded, bitter, and lacking basic human compassion & decency. And lazy. Very fucking lazy – on other floors of the hospital, a PCA’s job is routine, set, and responsive to the assigned patients’ & nurses’ requests; in the ER, you do whatever you can, whenever you can, for whoever you can, and you do it with a sense of urgency. Well, that’s how I perceived it.
I digress.
I actually loved that job. I just never felt like I knew what I was doing (even though I did) because I was cheated out of adequate training, and I hated my bitch ass coworkers.
I loved the perpetual chaos, especially from working overnights. All 40 rooms were full, with at least 10 people in the waiting room at all times, for the first 6-8 hours of each shift. It was beautiful fucking chaos!
I loved constantly checking the board to see what I should do next. Part of my personality is “What’s the problem? What do we have to do to make it at least 1% better? Let’s do that…now!” Worked great in the ER, and with a lot of situations in life! Get shit moving & resolved ASAP so we can all move on with our lives.
And I loved briefly meeting & being able to help such a huge variety of people. That’s why I liked working in gas stations too – “What do you want? Here you go, get out of my store”, with the occasional deep conversation about religion and psychology and every other random thing you can think of. Working on other floors, a PCA would typically have the same patients until they were discharged; I didn’t want that. I love a quick turnover.
Despite the somewhat brief interactions, I learned from & loved a little bit of a lot of people. I found that I excel at making the uncomfortable as comfortable as possible, with humor & compassion – that’s the art behind the science of healthcare.
The ER isn’t just medicine – it’s humanity under pressure.
Here’s some stories…
The Bloody Nose Nun
I hate blood. It’s just not something that belongs outside of the body, in my opinion. Yeah, I know – probably not a good idea to work in an ER then. Shuddup 😉
One of my very first patients as a PCA in the ER was a nun. She said she was just sitting in her chair after dinner, knitting a blanket & watching TV, when her nose started bleeding. So, assuming the air was dry & it would resolve itself, she shoved a tissue up her nostrils & kept on knitting. After an hour, it just kept getting worse. So she paid us a visit. My job was to hold a bath towel against her nose for about 15 minutes until a doctor could come shove tampons up her face (that’s pretty literally the only thing you can do, so long as it isn’t a surgery-requiring hemorrhage).
I’m good for 5-10 minutes, but…I got to a point where I was gonna pass out & need to be admitted. That’s how much she was bleeding. Talking about hazing the newbie!
The ALS Wife
I was asked to go into a room and hold the older gentleman’s hand while he was intubated, to try to keep him calm. So I did.
While they were preparing to intubate, I overheard the doctors say that he had ALS. If you’ve been paying attention around here, ALS runs in my family.
When they were all done, they told me I could leave.
But I seemed to be the only one even noticing his devastated wife sitting there alone. So, I sat down with her.
I told her my name, my role at the hospital, mentioned that ALS runs in my family so I can relate in a small way to what she’s gone through as a caregiver, and offered any help I could – “if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, especially me. A blanket, someone to listen, a hug, a dozen donuts? I got you!” She thanked me, & I continued about my day.
When they transfer anyone who’s been intubated to another part of the hospital, an entire team needs to accompany the patient in case they code (stop breathing) on the way. I was asked to be part of the team while he was transferred to the ICU.
When we got to the ICU entrance, I was told to go back to the ER. His wife was asked to wait in the waiting room (in case there was a problem while getting him situated in his new death bed). I couldn’t leave her standing there helpless & alone, so I asked if she wanted a hug. She grabbed onto me & wouldn’t let go, which was fine. I held her while she cried, and I gently told her she should use this time with him to reminisce about the good times they had, remind him that she’ll be ok so that he can have some peace, and be grateful for the opportunity to tell him how much she loves him & say good bye. I reminded her that she will be ok, even though grief is an asshole, and to be patient with herself, & seek support wherever & whenever she needs it. When they let her in to the ICU, I wished her well & headed back to the ER.
Now, I’m not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or anything like that at all. I’m sharing this story as an example of how life sometimes throws people at you who you can genuinely help in some way, and its best to take the opportunity to be a decent human. That story still breaks my heart, but I’m glad I might have given her some warmth in that cold hospital.
That’s when I realized that sometimes your job isn’t to fix anything. It’s just to be a human in the room.
The Enema Guy
Yeah, part of my job was “soap suds enemas”. Gross. I’d hide if I saw that on the board & couldn’t find anything else to do. I’m not even joking.
Well, one time I couldn’t hide, so I went into the room.
The gentleman was probably in his 50’s. Kinda handsome.
I told him my name, my role at the hospital, and…he interrupted me.
“You’re not doing this, are you?!?” he said.
“I was asked to, yeah. Is that ok?” I replied.
He looked even more uncomfortable than a guy needing an enema should.
“Is it because I’m a pretty young lady?” (Not to toot my own horn, but I was in my late 20’s.)
“Yeah, pretty much!” he laughed.
I laughed too. “I understand, but trust me, you’d rather I do this than anyone else in this department – I’m way more intuitive & gentle than most of my coworkers here tonight. Seriously. I’ll make this as quick & painless as possible, ok?”
He grumbled & hesitantly agreed.
I’ll spare the details, but I truly did everything I could to make it as quick, painless, & as least humiliating as possible for him. Including bringing a commode into his room & closing the curtain (which most of my coworkers didn’t have the decency to do).
I saw him as he was being discharged & on his way out the door, so I said I was glad he was feeling better. He thanked me (a lot!) & said he hoped he never sees me again, either in the hospital or in public 😂
The Fatal MVA
So, a guy died in a car accident. Totally not his fault, either. He was in his mid to late 30’s, had a wife and 2 young sons.
The EMTs brought him to the hospital so his family could come & identify the body.
My job was to clean him up from the shoulders up so that his family wouldn’t be even more traumatized when they saw him.
He was bloody. And dead AF. How sad.
As I gently & lovingly scrubbed every dried speck of blood off his face, neck, & out of his hair, it was like I could feel his spirit lingering, going “what the fuck?!?” I quietly talked to him so that my coworkers wouldn’t think I’d snapped – apologized for his situation, told him his family will be ok & he’ll always be remembered & all that stuff.
After his family left, I was asked to be part of the team to transfer him to the morgue. So I did. We said a prayer for his spirit before we shoved his ass in the cooler, which was surprising out of my coworkers (not all of them were completely burnt out and disconnected!)
The Cellulitis Kid
A call came through the intercom. A young man was asking for a blanket. So I brought him a blanket.
He was kinda cute, but totally not my type – tall, football player type. We got into conversation, with him explaining that he was being admitted to another floor overnight pending surgery for the absolutely brutal cellulitis that had developed on his arm from an infection he’d gotten. As I left, he asked for my number. I politely declined, mentioning that he was too young for me besides the fact that I was engaged.
Still I made sure I brought him up to his room myself 😆 And then grabbed him some donuts for after his surgery with a little “get well” note before I left work for the day.
A couple months later, a young man came in via ambulance with “the worst shoulder dislocation anyone’s ever seen”. Nobody knew what to do, so they loaded him up with morphine while they figured it out.
I was busy with a million other things, so I only noticed the situation, not the person.
While standing at the nurses station, on the other side of the ER from his room, I heard someone yell my name with their outdoor voice, and then he yelled “I LOVE YOU!!!”
Oh my god it was so funny – all the bitchy nurses were stink eye-ing me so hard, I just laughed my ass off.
So I went into his room, tried to get him to calm down a little so I could get back to the 30+ other people I could actually help, and he chilled after that. He was flying though, LOL. I don’t even remember how they got his shoulder back into the socket…I think he needed surgery…again.
The Pitcher
About 2:00 in the morning, I was doing stuff. As I walked by one of the rooms, I heard someone say to me ”what are you doing?!? Get in here!”
All the female employees in the unit were in one room.
I didn’t know what was going on, so I stepped in & inquired.
“That drunk asshole in 3 took a swing at Kim!”
“…..and? He’s drunk. Swing back.”
“You’re crazy!”
I stepped out of the room to look around the department & see if I could find him. My favorite coworker, Nurse Donny, was trying to trap him with another male nurse & a security guard so they could restrain him because he was running amok.
Don came over & told me to get in the room. I laughed.
“I could flash him – I bet he’d be so caught off guard he’d stop dead in his tracks!”
“You’re killin’ me” Donny laughed.
“I’ve been in enough mosh pits, this dumb drunk fuck don’t scare me. Where is he? I’ll help you corner him!”
Just then the security guard got a hold of him, and then the cops showed up.
I was disappointed. I had some stress I needed to release 😂
Heroin Jesus
Early Easter morning (about 4am), a young man about 17 years old overdosed on heroin with his friends. They threw him in their car & rushed him to our ER. He died en route.
ER staff threw him in the trauma room. My job was to hold a leg down. 3 doses of Narcan later, that little shit came back like a bat out of hell. I’ve never seen anything like it – absolutely wild.
They stabilized him & moved him to a regular ER room. My job was to keep him awake & breathing to try to get his oxygen reading back to a safe level so that he wouldn’t have to be intubated before being transferred to the children’s hospital.
So I slapped him for a couple hours. Told him he’s lucky to be alive, so he better not fuck up like that ever again. Told him repeatedly he better do something good with his life from then on. And called him Heroin Jesus cuz he died & came back on Easter Sunday.
He didn’t need to be intubated.
Other Heroin Guy
We didn’t have too many drug problems come to our hospital, surprisingly.
One guy got to me though.
He was a “regular” – he was in our ER at least monthly because he’d devastated his body with drugs for so long, he was on his way out of this life. And he knew it. And he regretted it. Deeply.
When I could, I’d sit & talk with him because he really needed someone to talk to. He’d given up on himself a long time ago. No matter how hard he tried, how many times he’d been to rehab, how strongly he knew better – his addiction was just too strong. And, eventually, it won.
Very sad. He seemed like a good, caring, smart person when he had some clarity. Quite the shame.
“Crazy” Thyroid Lady
(This one really got to me too.)
I kept noticing room 14 needed an EKG done. Every time I had the chance, I’d go to do it, but there would already be somebody in there with an EKG machine. This happened about 4 times before I finally said to my coworkers, “hasn’t anyone done the EKG for 14 yet?!?”
“That bitch is crazy. She won’t let anybody do it!”
So, I grabbed an EKG machine & headed on in. I tend to be good with the “crazies”.
I introduced myself, told her my role in the department, & told her what I was going to do. I could tell she was frazzled as fuck. I told her she didn’t need to tell me anything that was going on, especially since I’m not a medical professional, but that I’m listening if she wanted to talk.
She told me she had a thyroid issue. When her thyroid is throwing her hormones off, she acts “a little weird”. She was acting a little weird, so her friend insisted she come to the ER & get her hormone levels checked. Now that she was in the ER, her anxiety had skyrocketed and she was having flashbacks to when she’d been sexually assaulted many years prior, but didn’t know why that was coming to her then. She said it was violent.
Obviously (to me), it was coming to her because all these strange men (doctors) were grabbing (although somewhat gently) at her throat to check the size of her thyroid. Plus, she was in a hospital gown, and PCAs were violating her personal space trying to hook her up to monitors and EKG machines. It only makes sense.
So, I was extra gentle with her. Got her to calm down and think her way through her current situation. I promised to do whatever I could to ensure only female staff assisted her, wherever possible (though we didn’t have any female doctors on staff that night). She thanked me, & relaxed quite a bit in comparison.
I brought the EKG read out to her assigned doctor, and then went to the head nurse to let everyone know she really needed female staff to help her as much as possible; I even offered to be the sole PCA to help with whatever she needed.
“WHY?!?” One of the cunt nurses overheard me & butted in.
The head nurse just stared at me like he was wondering why too, so I told them she was experiencing PTSD symptoms and needed fewer males around her.
“Well, I’ve been raped before – get over it!” the cunt blurted out loud enough for half the department to hear. (Obviously, she wasn’t “over it”, so why would she expect someone else to be?!?)
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” I asked as I walked away to help another patient. She blabbered on about how her husband assaulted her once, and I just couldn’t even. I had to walk away before I slapped her.
That’s the kind of shit that bothered me – not the blood, the overdoses, the disgusting cellulitis or enemas… The atrocious behavior & perspectives of certain (too many) coworkers. It fucking killed me to be around people like that. Now, I have a fucked up sense of humor, & I have my limits, but… I kinda feel like you should still have some sense of basic human decency to work with patients, especially in an emergency care setting. Fuck.
When it was time for “14” to be admitted to the floor, I noticed a male PCA grabbed her cart before I got the chance. I stopped him (not just because he was a man, but also because he was the kind of person who…I would literally rather die than let him help me). We actually got into an argument, because I insisted I take her up to the floor – He got pissy & I won. She thanked me.
The Actual Crazy Lady
About 5am, nurse Jason asked if anyone could “take the crazy lady in 28 up to the floor”.
It was very unusual for him to call anyone crazy, so I wanted to see just how crazy she was.
She was pretty crazy. I felt bad for her. And her husband.
A few years prior, I had a woman come into my gas station bitching up a storm about the fact that her credit card was being declined at the pump. The problem was her card. She disagreed. After screaming at & berating me for a solid couple minutes, her husband came in & told her to go wait in the car. He proceeded to apologize for her behavior, explain that she has an unknown medical problem that she’s being evaluated for, & then vented about how she was never like that, he doesn’t know what happened, he’s overwhelmed with taking care of her, & he hopes the doctors can help her get back to the sweet woman she used to be.
And here we are again, in the ER. I think her husband actually recognized me, but couldn’t remember from where (gas station is a far cry from ER I guess).
Bless his sweet soul, he was still taking care of her. And he was completely depleted; I could tell.
Assuming from meds, she was practically catatonic. Unresponsive. Still physically able to get up & get in a wheelchair…eventually. Which she then purposely “had an accident” in once we got up to the floor. I told her husband I would get a nurse to help me clean up her & the wheelchair, and he insisted he take care of her because there’s no way she’d let anyone else do it. So he did his thing, & I did mine. I offered some kind words & anything he wanted for free from the donut shop downstairs, but he declined. In retrospect, I probably should’ve brought him a sandwich or some tea anyway.
“Live your life so you have stories to tell” is something I’ve always believed.
But working in the ER taught me something deeper:
You don’t just collect stories —
you become part of other people’s stories, often at their worst moments.
So if you take anything from this:
Be kind. Be patient. Be human — especially when it’s inconvenient.
You never know what someone else is carrying.
What’s a moment in your life that stuck with you — for better or worse? Remember – Always Tell Your Story
I have quite the database of ideas I’ve thought up to write about. And after sharing my ALS post last week (The Family Curse: Growing Up in the Shadow of ALS), I thought I’d continue with more “health” related topics.
Traumatic brain injuries have been on my mind for a while because of some personal, but secondhand, experiences.
TBIs affect more people than many realize. Their effects can be subtle, confusing, and sometimes misunderstood.
And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that brain injuries definitely don’t follow a rulebook…
There Is No “One Size Fits All”
Brain injuries vary widely, and the symptoms can vary just as widely depending on the location & severity of the damage. Even still, two people with similar injuries may have very different experiences.
Symptoms may seem nonexistent for a time & then appear years later. For some, symptoms can be intermittent.
I think part of the reason for this is one of the most beautiful things about our brains – neuroplasticity. See, the neurons themselves don’t re-generate; once they’re damaged, they’re damaged. However, other neurons can gradually branch out & compensate for the damaged neurons, though sometimes this adaption can cause some problems while fixing others.
The Brain Is Just an Organ (But an Important One)
No different than your liver or heart, your brain is technically nothing more than chemicals and electricity. Personality, memory, and knowledge ultimately boil down to chemistry and electrical activity inside brain tissue. When that tissue is damaged, the effects can ripple through every aspect of life.
The most famous example is that of Phineas Gage (to the point that he’s often covered in basic Psych 101 classes) – working as a construction foreman in the mid 1800’s, a tamping iron shot through his skull, which annihilated a huge chunk of his brain’s frontal lobe. His survival after such an extreme injury is remarkable, but it was due to the fact that nothing that controlled his autonomic nervous system sustained damage – the frontal lobe is largely responsible for an individual’s personality, emotion, and social behavior. Despite his survival, his personality changed. Drastically. He went from being a meticulous leader, to being…well, by most accounts, kind of an asshole. Interestingly enough however, he hated animals before the accident; after the accident, he loved animals so much he became a stagecoach driver.
What Brain Injuries Can Affect
Again, symptoms vary widely depending on the severity & location of the injury, and many symptoms aren’t always obvious.
For example – the magnitude of cognitive and memory changes can be surprising.
Common physiological symptoms
migraines
neck pain
dizziness
exhaustion
coordination issues
Common psychological / cognitive symptoms
anxiety
anger
depression
memory loss
confusion
rumination
paranoia
irritability
The Night My Husband Hit His Head
A couple months before we met, my husband had a barn party at his place – lots of people, lots of stuff going on.
Probably a dozen shots in (I wasn’t there, but I know he was a party monster), he decided to use the porta potty in the barn. When he came out, he tripped on a rug & fell back, whacking his head on the concrete & effectively knocking himself out cold for a few minutes.
His friends thought he was dead. Yet they didn’t bother calling for an ambulance for some insane reason. (After working in an ER, I know that the standard operating procedure for such an injury is an ambulance ride with a neck brace on, & an immediate CT scan to check for internal bleeding.)
He was significantly concussed for nearly a week – throwing up, massive headache, dizzy, couldn’t hardly stay awake.
Eventually (as in after we met & I yelled at him), he went to a doctor and had MRIs done on his head & neck. Come to find out he’d slipped two discs in his neck. He also retrospectively remembers being told he has “black spots” on his brain, though I just recently found the imaging discs they’d given him & I’d like to review them myself (not that I think I’m a doctor, but I do have enough medical education & experience to be able to tell if that was a false memory of his, or if there’s some truth to it).
When Symptoms Show Up Years Later
For a few years after, he was “normal” – well, he’s always been a little weird, & that’s why everyone loves him, but he was normal for him.
Then things changed. To me at the time it seemed to be out of nowhere, but now I know it was because of the stress of trying to sell his barns to someone he shouldn’t have been selling them to, combined with working too much and not getting enough sleep.
It seemed to me like he was having a nervous breakdown – extreme paranoia, anxiety, rumination and memory confusion. After a couple years, things settled down for a few months.
Then they started back up, though less extreme. The second time around I realized what was happening — he was confusing dreams with real events.
He’s always slept like shit. He’s always been an “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” kind of guy. Unfortunately, that’s making his life hell these days because it’s just exacerbating other symptoms.
These days, he’s often very irritable, struggles with wanting to try new things, and sometimes he even gets lost when he’s driving around the neighborhood (luckily he was a truck driver & knows not to panic when he doesn’t recognize where he is). He also says that he feels like he “never fully came back into his body” after the concussion, which kind of sounds like a sense of perpetual brain fog.
A lot of these symptoms tend to come & go. But they’re there.
A Scary Moment
One night a few months ago, he was irritable for no apparent reason and we ended up getting into an argument. He eventually got so upset after ruminating for hours, he seemed like he was having a stroke – slurred speech, a little droopy on one side. I insisted I call 911 because it really freaked me out – I’d never seen that happen to him before. He insisted I wait (which is always a terrible idea if someone is actually having a stroke, by the way!!!) But once he calmed down, he was fine.
I’m not trying to diagnose anything here – just sharing what I’ve observed. And that incident showed me that brain injuries can sometimes manifest as stroke-like symptoms.
We’re currently awaiting further testing at a local neurological institute (the one I always envisioned myself working at, actually).
A Similar Story
My “old friend” that I mention occasionally told me back when we were friends that he’d suffered a TBI at some point – I don’t remember much of the story, but then again, neither did he.
I can’t recall the circumstances under which he said it happened, but I know he said he had no clue what the fuck happened. He had no recollection of it actually happening.
He also said that he’d sometimes experience symptoms of a stroke. He’d had an MRI done, which showed nothing at the time, so doctors were having trouble giving him any answers as to why this was happening.
Sometimes he’d get really irritable, and withdrawn, and then sometimes be super apologetic afterward.
In retrospect, after seeing what my husband’s been dealing with, I can’t help but wonder if this old friend is on my mind lately because I feel like I can understand him even better now than I did then. I mean, I don’t know if all of his symptoms (or my husband’s) are from their concussions, which I’m sure they’re not all, but… I guess it helps some things make more sense.
How Brain Injuries Can Affect Relationships
Brain injuries don’t only affect the injured person.
They can influence:
communication
emotional regulation
conflict
memory of events
I realized a while ago that sometimes the best response to these reactions is to just breathe, let us both cool down, and approach the situation with quiet compassion.
I struggle with that sometimes, I’m not gonna lie. When certain buttons of mine get pushed, I can get very defensive.
But that really is the only way to deal with it – quiet compassion, on both our sides.
Aging and Brain Health
My husband & I were recently talking about Bruce Willis, who is currently suffering from advanced frontotemporal dementia.
Granted, dementia is very different than a TBI – it’s a progressive neurodegenerative disorder which causes significant declines in language, memory, and behavior.
My husband was upset & said he didn’t understand why Bruce Willis’ family put him under someone else’s care.
As a caregiver for most of my life, and as someone who’s worked in an ER with more than my share of dementia patients… I explained that the decision could’ve been made as a result of caregiver burnout, arrangements due to his wishes before this point, or his current condition (don’t know if he’s violent or wandering out to the streets naked in the middle of the night, etc).
Brain conditions in general can become pretty complex.
So can anything that affects your body’s hormones & neurotransmitters in general (stay tuned for a thyroid story in next week’s post!)
Staying Proactive
There are definitely some activities that can support neuroplasticity & mental regulation, for everyone.
For example:
Yoga helps ground me in the present moment. It helps me to focus on what’s going on within & around me while I pull apart all the physical tension in my body.
Tai chi I’ve found to be especially helpful when my brain is extra busy because of the constant movement involved.
Any exercise you enjoy, that keeps your attention is great for your brain!
Meditation trains your brain to let go of fleeting thoughts – it’s helped me get through many a dental procedure, as well as just stay calm in chaotic moments.
Journaling. I can’t recommend journaling enough (brace yourself for a series coming soon lol!) It can help you work through tough situations & feelings, make plans for a brighter future, remember things as they happened, and so on. Especially analog journaling – the brain loves novelty & tactile sensations!
The “Thinking Notebook”
I’ve been journaling for about 30 years now, and I’m definitely an advocate for analog over digital.
Handwriting forces you to slow down & focus on what you’re actually thinking – The tactile experience literally engages your brain differently than typing.
I often think of my journal as a “thinking notebook” – a place to let my brain vent onto paper, so that it can all be easier to manage.
Closing Thoughts
The brain is resilient in amazing ways. But it’s also fragile – and sometimes the effects of injury don’t show up until years later. The more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring to ourselves and each other.
If someone suspects they may have experienced a head injury in the past, please –
talk with healthcare professionals
seek medical imaging
stay proactive about your brain’s health
If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.
For those who don’t know, ALS runs heavily in my mother’s family. To the point where our genes are sought for study. It’s pretty scary.
Let me map out some of what little I actually know :
It comes from my mom’s dad’s family, traceable back as far as the late 1800’s when it was referred to as “creeping paralysis”.
My mom was the oldest of four girls, the middle two were twins : The youngest doesn’t carry the gene; the other three passed away, all from ALS, at around the ages of 35, 45, & 55.
The three sisters had a total of six kids between them, myself included. Out of those six, three have already passed away from ALS, most recently about two years ago now. I haven’t been tested for the gene, but my remaining cousins were & they do carry it.
Here’s two of many stories about about a couple of my cousins :
My odds probably aren’t great. But as long as I don’t get tested, there’s still a strange kind of hope in the uncertainty.
However, one of those remaining cousins was recently diagnosed with ALS. She’s only a couple years older than me, so…cue the amplified existential crisis.
I’m tired of being so rudely reminded of my mortality, as I’m sure were all of my ancestors before me.
I’m tired of all this grief, and fear.
That possible genetic time bomb has been ticking a little too loudly in my ear lately…
And I resent the fact that my family isn’t as close as it should be. It’s always been kind of sickening to me, because we all know that’s not the way it should be.
Shitty Instincts
For some reason, hearing this news makes me want to reach out to my old friend even more. (If you’ve been around a while, you’ve heard me mention him. And you may have heard me mention that I’ve tried reaching out to him, to no avail.)
Why.
Because I don’t wanna go out without resolution. Such unresolved tension. Especially since there’s no good reason for it in the first place.
And because I want his support; because sometimes he could be the most enlightening perspective in my life.
He was around when I first started learning more about the tragedy surrounding this gene, and he said to me one day, “seems you already count yourself among the dead”. Which wasn’t any more true then than it is now…
No One Makes It Out Alive
I don’t consider myself among the dead.
I consider myself among the cursed.
Cursed with immense loss & fear ingrained in my genetic code.
Cursed with being faced with the harshest of realities, such as the fact that no one’s there when all is done – ”In the end, you’re measured by how you treat the people closest to you“ – Ryan Holiday.
Cursed with shitty genes & a constant reminder of how short life can be.
But also immensely blessed with a sense of urgency that most people don’t realize until it’s too late. If they even get the chance.
All I can do is love my family, keep trying to live vibrantly, and keep trying to help others.
“Life is long, if you know how to use it” – Seneca
Celebrate life. Honor your ancestors.
If ALS has touched your family too, you already know the strange mix of grief, fear, and urgency that comes with it.
If you’re able, consider supporting ALS research – or simply reach out to someone you love today. None of us are promised tomorrow.
Click here to learn more about ALS or to donate toward finding a cure 👉 ALS Association
Quick note : Hi there! I do have another post I’m trying to write to go along with the “unusual” love posts I’ve shared this past month, but I have been sick as fuck. Like…fuuuck! And so has everyone else in my home. So, I’ve fallen a bit behind. I’ll try to get that out next week, pinky swear 😉
In the meantime….
It’s a sandwich.
“Where I’m At” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeah, I don’t know. I’m so thrown off right now, its not even funny. I’ll get back on track soon though. I’d like to plan some sort of family fun next month, be it bowling or a hotel visit, but we’ll see how everyone’s health goes, I suppose.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Bleh! I’m…less sick; but I have some surprising health concerns since I started getting sick, which I’m looking further into. And since getting sick, my diet & exercise…didn’t get put on the back burner, it got thrown right off the stove 🤪 So, I’m slowly working my way back into routines. My brain’s doing pretty good though, considering and despite almost crippling anxiety over said health surprises. Workin’ on it…lol
marriage : Things are good. We take good care of each other and the kiddos, so I’m perpetually grateful for that.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Bubby kicked BooBoo in the face & now one of her teeth are a tiny bit loose, but I’m hoping it’ll resituate itself (omg please!!!!!) (Dentist visit coming ASAP, FML!) (Is this what it’s like having siblings? Cuz I didn’t have any. LOL UGH). Just found out both girls have astigmatism, & BooBoo’s been complaining of headaches lately – so, assuming they’re not just from her sister kicking her in the face, we’re working on getting her glasses this week. And both girls keep getting crazy tummy sickness randomly – they’ll be fine for a couple days, & then in hell for a day (I’m glad whatever this bug is affects me & hubby differently than them, geez!) Otherwise…the girls are doing great!!! 😅
Yes, there’s a bounce house in my living room occasionally.That blur is BooBoo.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Due to sickness, school has been a little inconsistent. Still plowing through as best we can. BooBoo loves geography lately, and math. And Bubby’s gymnastics coaches are ready to throw her into the next level of classes because her skills are way too far beyond the level she’s forced into right now. She’s still enjoying it though 😊 Oh, AND she made a FRIEND!!! YAY!!!
zenBLITZ : As with diet & exercise, creativity has pretty much been thrown right off the stove the past couple weeks. I haven’t felt enough clarity to write, even when I try; and I haven’t had the energy to work on much else, though I did complete a couple of cool projects earlier this month (& I love them!!!) :
Completely handmade veg tan leather A6 “Traveler’s Notebook” cover (…I always fuck up the “B”! Ugh!)
Crochet spiral coaster
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Pfft! Everything’s fine, but… 😝 I had to cancel our annual crockpot party due to everyone feeling like death was upon them, so… Next month I’m planning to host an “Asian” themed dinner potluck – I’m thinking I’m gonna get some saki, sushi, order some unique snacks from Amazon, bust out all my cool chopsticks & nifty dinnerware from Wegmans, and bribe someone to pick up a couple meals from Taste of China (the best damn Chinese food I’ve ever had in my life!) So help me god, I don’t even care who’s sick, we’re having that party! 😆
(step) gramma : A new feature that I figured I’d add, because it’s proving to be a pretty important part of my life 🥰 – my step granddaughter!! We babysit her fairly often, & we love every second of it! She’s just over 6 months old now, & she’s very smiley & giggly & precious hehe. Both girls absolutely adore her, and BooBoo gets quite the kick out of making her giggle & feeding her her bottle.
Chiquita Banana
Currently
eating – Not much cuz FML I’m so sick of being sick…wah wah wah… 😂
drinking – Water. And tea. That’s about it. I haven’t even been drinking coffee (am I dying?!? LOL)
watching – YouTube. Lots & lots of YouTube.
reading – Still working on “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss
playing – The Sims. Bubby got me back into The Sims Freeplay on my phone. I don’t know why I get so obsessed.
buying – Oh boy. Hubby’s been on a bit of a spree this month. (I’ve been behaving, for the most part.) First, he made me buy a 6 foot bouncey ball from Vat19.com. Now he wants me to finally get him a pirate ship bounce house / water slide thing (which I’m not opposed to because he’s wanted one since before we even met, plus it’ll be fun in the summer, especially at parties.) And NOW he also wants to buy back the Roger Rabbit golf cart car his friend bought out from under him when we first got engaged. So, brace yourself for some interesting pictures this summer 🤣
listening to – Heaters. I’ve very much been enjoying as much peace & quiet as I can possibly get lately lol
celebrating – Life. That’s the best thing to celebrate. Especially despite the chaos of the world.
pinning – leatherworking, steampunk aesthetics, self care, & crochet
planning – Asian dinner party, potential adventure
Relationships are complicated because everyone is different – and so is every relationship.
Some people prefer to be alone. Some prefer to be in “open” relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Some prefer the cultural institution of marriage.
What does a marriage involve anyway? Perpetual devotion, walking hand in hand into the daily sunset until death do you part? Cooking holiday dinners side by side, year after year? Banging wildly every chance you get? Ideally, I suppose.
But every relationship has its ups & downs. We all go through phases in life, and we all change to some degree over time.
Same with the evolution of relationships. There’s the initial spark, the early electricity, the optimism of marriage, perhaps adding kids into the mix…burning out a bit. Let’s be real here, yeah? Life rolls in plenty of storms. Can your relationship weather the challenges?
It’s important to honor the fantastic, idealized picture you may have in your mind of the way things are “supposed” be, but it’s equally important to question that picture and consider how to integrate it into reality.
When Love Stops Being Cinematic
Some quick personal background info :
I’m the type for long term relationships – I dated my high school sweetheart on & off for 5 years, I was with my ex fiance for nearly 11 years, and I’ve been with my husband for almost 9 years now.
I don’t really believe in marriage… even though I’ve been married for almost 7 years. I mean, I guess I kinda do believe in marriage (LOL), but I feel like society pressures us to get married. And I obviously think people tend to change too drastically for a 50 year marriage to be realistic. Just being honest.
I started studying long term relationships & tantra as a teenager – I’ve always known long term relationships require copious amounts of “work” to keep things interesting. My husband’s the same, though somewhat unintentionally.
Also, my husband was married for 30 years before he met me. Let’s not get into that shitstorm though…
I’m not an expert on anything. (No one is.)
With that said…
Relationships inevitably move from performance to presence.
Love quietly shifts from novelty to the liminal space of coexisting with another unique human being who you (hopefully) continue to admire, adore, and fight the battles of life with. Spontaneity sways back & forth with responsibility. Parenting, exhaustion, and life logistics reshape intimacy – What shape it takes is up to both of you.
Perhaps intimacy at a certain point needs to be viewed as enjoying the journey, not the destination.
That is tantra.
The Unsexy Truths That Actually Sustain Love
Life is short and everyone changes. That’s the unsexy truth, the harsh reality, and… the beauty of life.
I’m not the same person I was when I started dating my husband, and he’s not the same person either. (Are you the same person you were a decade ago? Not likely. Or possible.)
I’m now in my 40s. Despite my best efforts, I’m still about thirty pounds heavier than I was a decade ago (thanks, kids! 😂). Everything hurts & I’m perpetually exhausted. Mentally & physically.
He’s now in his 60’s. Doing pretty well for a “boomer” though! 🤣 He’s grown his hair out (to my dismay), and he’s a little wrinklier than he was – but still a handsome SOB! He now has arthritis, constant pain from the slipped discs in his neck, and he seems to be allergic to, well, everything. And he occasionally has some fairly minor mental health issues due to an old TBI (or 2…or 5), including sleep issues. In other words, his everything also hurts & he’s also perpetually exhausted.
Over time, your body changes, your energy levels shift, your mental health may veer a little sideways at times, and…desire overall changes form.
This is normal. This is to be expected. Staying grounded in that reality helps sustain the connection.
Redefining Erotic Energy
If you did the math, you can tell my husband’s a bit older than I am. Quite a bit.
Before we even started dating, we each dumped all of our baggage out for the other to decide if they really wanted to help carry it all. (We both have a lot of baggage, LOL!)
One of the things he mentioned was that, because of his age, his dick didn’t work that great anymore.
I told him, “I don’t need your dick hard to make love to you”.
Saying that, I knew one of two things would happen – either, like a fucking snake charmer, it would come to attention & get to work, OR, I would have to prove my point.
Spoiler alert – both happened. 😆
Side note – neither of our kids are “little blue pill babies”.
How?
Let me tell you…
Tantra.
When most people hear the word tantra, they envision fucking for hours on end. And while prolonged intimacy can be part of tantra, focusing only on sex completely misses the philosophy.
Tantra is about enjoying the journey, without focus on the destination.
This philosophy is relevant far beyond the bedroom. This is viewing life itself as erotic – seeking pleasure & joy in every moment, not just sexually. It’s about living vibrantly.
In a long term relationship (or marriage), that implies :
paying attention to each other’s subtle clues about how the other is feeling
maintaining playfulness (my husband likes to dance-vacuum naked sometimes, when the kids aren’t around of course 😜)
finding joy in simply spending time together
being present with that time together
maintaining curiosity about who we’re becoming as a couple and as individuals
being affectionate throughout the day without the agenda of turning each other on
and, perhaps most importantly, loving what’s in front of us instead of grieving what once was, emotionally & physically
We try to steal quick moments to shove our tongues down each others’ throats. Of course, the kids tend to rush in, wanting to turn it into a group hug situation. Bless their little souls lol.
We help each other around the house, even if the other says, “that’s ok, I got it”. “The fuck you do; what can I do to help?”
We laugh at everything we can. We sneak adventures in whenever we can (antique stores aren’t nearly as nerdy as I once thought!)
We constantly try to share interest in each other.
And, on the rare occasion that children, physical pain, or exhaustion aren’t killing the mood, we make love for as long as we possibly can.
It’s a lot of effort. But anything worth doing requires effort.
And that’s tantra – putting in the effort to maintain joy, for ourselves, and for each other.
The Grief No One Warns You About
Maintaining that effort by finding compassion for each other throughout challenging experiences is the true test of a long term relationship. Keeping up with communication is a major challenge, notably for me.
Life can throw any number of curveballs at any time – illness, injury, emotional distress, financial stress, and the list goes on.
I often find myself grieving a past version of my husband – exploding with vibrant vitality, optimism, compassion for others, and unadulterated ambition. A neon fucking light in the dark. And while that’s still him at his core, life’s curveballs have hit him in the balls a few times over the years. Mine too.
Part of me resents his not-so-gradual turn to pessimistic rumination & general distaste for the majority of humanity. But I get it. (Kind of.) Resentment can coexist with devotion, with some effort. I try to be a “smart wife” – understand what he’s going through, approach it with curiosity & compassion, and keep trying to steer him back toward his own neon fucking light. Without losing my own in the process.
We’re all constantly evolving, & that can be a struggle at times. Patience and trust are essential virtues within committed relationships, of any kind.
Choosing Love as a Practice Instead of a Feeling
Love isn’t always easy – Effort itself is a major act of devotion.
So, start now.
Who do you love? And what do you do to remind them that they’re loved?
You can only buy so many colorful bouquets & heart-shaped boxes of sugar once a year before the thought doesn’t count for much anymore.
And like in Green Day’s song “Redundant” – “When ‘I love you’s’ not enough, I’m lost for words”.
Take it up a notch.
Plan an unusual date night. Dress up & sing a song (especially if you can’t sing). Bust out the handcuffs (everyone has handcuffs, right?)
My Valentine’s gift for hubby this year is a jar full of love notes – reasons why I’d still marry him today. He can pull one out on a day when I maybe tell him to go fuck himself, and be reminded that an occasional shitshow doesn’t define our entire relationship.
Do something. Consider it intentional maintenance, because all relationships are ecosystems which require tending.
This is the first piece of his work that I was introduced to :
her creativity is my kink.
there’s nothing more seductive
than her
stripping down
to her original essence,
soaked in a feral flow state,
birthing galaxies from her genius.
i want her barefoot on the hardwood,
dancing in paint,
whispering poetry
to the sunrise,
paid in ecstasy
and eye contact
for simply being alive.
i want her calendar filled with nothing
but creation and kisses.
i’m building a world where
she doesn’t need to clock in because
her beauty already bends time.
i want to pay the bills
so she can pay attention
to the parts of her
this world taught her to abandon.
her job description?
bloom until the garden can’t
contain her.
her only responsibility?
reminding gravity
it can’t keep a woman like her
down.
her uniform?
poetry so naked
that truth feels overdressed.
her boss?
the rhythm of her breath.
her references?
the god that studied her heart
before creating
heaven.
the angels
birthed from the art
of her unedited expression.
her entire employment history
can be summed up in one line:
hired by life itself,
to remind every soul watching
that existence is
erotic.
she moans differently
when she’s dripping
in theta waves.
if i’m gonna be a provider,
let me provide her with overtime pay
to nap naked in the sunlight
on a thursday
while the wind writes love songs in her hair.
lingerie is cute and all,
but have you ever seen the lost art
of her unclenching her shoulders
and spreading open inside
her own limitlessness?
now.
that.
is.
fucking.
sexy.
If my husband were a writer, that’s what I know he would’ve written for me when we first got together. So reading that poem brings up a lot of feels.
It represents the ideal of being fully witnessed & adored.
That’s the “north star”.
Long term, love isn’t always living inside that ideal – but it can still orbit it.
Through the chaos of life & children, we make sure to show that we still see each other. We make sure we still give & take each other’s support, even if more imperfectly than before. And we make sure to maintain space in our lives for creativity & aliveness.
That’s the tantra.
Love as Evolution
People change, relationships change… Such is life. If we weren’t constantly changing, we wouldn’t constantly be growing. And that would be bad.
Change is good. “The only constant in life is change”, as Heraclitus said. Permanence is an illusion.
But to keep life enjoyable, you need to put in the work. And enjoy the work in the process.
Stay curious, especially with your loved ones, and stay real. That’s the only advice I can truly give.
Relationships don’t stay alive on autopilot. They stay alive through curiosity, humor, forgiveness, and effort.
If this resonated with you, take five minutes today to do something intentionally loving – for your partner, or for yourself.
What’s one small way you could nurture connection today?
And I’d love to hear your experience – what has long-term love taught you that no one warned you about?
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I’m pretty excited, actually 🫠 I’m hoping to get back into planning parties this year, starting with our annual Crockpot & Retro Video Games party this month. I think it’ll be fun. Homeschool planning & meal planning are done for the month, so…yippie. And we gotta pick a day to go bowling!
self : Doing…pretty good, lol. Winter has my whole body, especially my sinuses, pretty cranky – no humidifier is powerful enough for this shit! But I’m been maintaining my mindful diet (for the most part) & my exercise routines (which I altered to allow for daily yoga, tai chi, & meditation). I’m not really losing much weight, but I’m not gaining any either! So that’s good. And despite occasional brain fog (cuz I sleep like absolute shit), I’m getting a bit more clear headed. I think. And I’ve been making more time for creative pursuits, which is pretty fulfilling.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re always trying to find ways to adjust & keep ourselves (& each other) entertained, hehe
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Again, no injuries to report, so…yay 😅 They’re both having a lot of fun with the kid’s makeup kit I got Bubby for her birthday. Oh, we went to Rainforest Cafe for Bubby’s bday, per her request. She loves that place!
I can’t believe my Bubby’s 5!!! 😭
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s really enjoying the “Playing Preschool” curriculum, & she’s learning a lot, but she does miss doing computer work heh. BooBoo loves math (she even wrote up some math facts for Bubby on her birthday card, to “help her out for next year” lol!), and she also loves learning to play the “piano” (the keyboard we got for Xmas), especially the YouTube tutorials for K Pop Demon Hunters songs 🤪
zenBLITZ : Doing pretty good here. I’m ahead enough on my blog posts, and I created a “quote board” to post favorite quotes on my Facebook page. No progress on my novella, though – I haven’t had much time (or urge) to work on it lately, but that’s fine. I’ve been doing quite a bit of leather crafting & crochet, when I have time.
She’s more enthused than she looks, I swear 😂
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Whatever. LOL. So help me god, we will being taking a trip this year!!!
witch : Daily yoga & meditation has been plenty fulfilling for me lately, hehe
Currently
eating – Soup. I love me some soup. 😋
drinking – Tea, wine, Skrewball peanut butter whiskey in my coffee sometimes
watching – The Traitors, Doom Patrol, leathercraft videos on YouTube
reading – Tao Te Ching, The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, & I just finished Show Your Work by Austin Kleon. I also finished “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve, don’t know if I mentioned that – holy fuck what a slap in the face!
playing – Coin Master, Roblox
buying – Stuff I might need next month because I need a “no buy” month 😅
listening to – Saviors (album) by Green Day – Goodnight Adeline 💚
celebrating – Valentine’s Day? Candlemas! (Being halfway through this very wintery winter is definitely worth celebrating!)
I’m certainly not one to share product recommendations. And I’m definitely not cool enough to be sponsored by any of the companies I’m about to mention.
I just wanted to share some products & services I’ve used for long enough to confidently say… this shit’s pretty sweet, and maybe you’ll think so too!
No joke… I looked in the mirror one day after my youngest was born & just about screamed when I realized how much of my hair had gone white. Not grey…white. With how wildly frizzy my hair is, I said to myself, “I look like a haggard old mom! I gotta do something about this!!”
I figured that any hair dye would make my hair look unnatural, so…might as well make it look fun!!
Teal is my favey
I did some research on Amazon for hair dyes, and decided it would be most convenient for me to get conditioner with dye in it – that way, I could just dye it every other day or whatever & work with it that way. And that’s what I’ve been doing for at least a couple years now, with Keracolor Clenditioner.
I’ve tried their teal, purple, red, & merlot dyes. Every six months, I switch between teal & purple (just to keep myself entertained).
I don’t color treat my hair at all (no bleach or anything), so everything you see dyed in the picture above is otherwise white (😭😝).
I didn’t like the merlot or red very much – they didn’t “pop” enough for me.
The teal sticks in my hair like it belongs there. Which is lovely because it’s my favorite 😊.
The purple mixes with the teal & sticks to my white hair such that, during the months I use it, my hair has a bit of an ombre effect. It almost looks intentional, and I’m not mad about it. In darker lighting, you don’t really notice it at all (it looks dark brown like the rest of my hair), but in bright & natural light, it really “pops”.
When I switch colors, I just don’t use the dye conditioner for a month. As I said, the teal sticks like it’s supposed to be there, but the purple doesn’t. For me.
I’ve even dyed my daughters’ hair with it (the length of their ponytails) – the older one has teal & she gets quite a kick out of it, the younger one has purple & it hasn’t quite shown up much yet. Both of them have straight auburn hair (they didn’t get that from me, obviously.)
So, if you’re looking to dye your hair, I definitely recommend giving this product a shot. I’ve had a lot of fun with it!
Short video ads started popping up on my Facebook & Instagram for Pair Eyewear a year or so ago, and I was intrigued by the idea that I could just slap a sun shade on top of my regular glasses when I needed sunglasses.
Why does this intrigue me so? Let me tell you! 😆
Throughout the summer, I tend to wear my contacts so that I can easily wear sunglasses. However, allergy hell hits me at the very end of summer every year, leaving me unable to wear contacts with how much my eyes tend to itch. Constantly. Every day. For weeks.
Do I want to spend money on prescription sunglasses that I’ll only really need to use for a month out of the year? Hell no.
Enter Pair Eyewear.
So, what it is…
You buy a “base frame” pair of glasses for about $70 (you do need to share your prescription with them, obviously, but they’re very helpful with that) – they have all kinds of options to choose from as far as style, size, color, etc. They even have sizes & styles for men & children!
These “base frames” have small magnets in the corners so that you can buy “top frames” that match your base frame’s style, but cover the front. So, they have a constantly updated stock of top frame styles (Halloween’s my favorite), and they even have “sun shades” and “tinted lenses”.
Why did I get “silver sparkle” sun shades? I have no clue. I thought they were fun at the time, but…they’re a little much sometimes 😅 Luckily, I can just layer whatever top frames I want on top of them, & make them match whatever I’m wearing!
Why did I get “blue tint” lenses? Dude! They’re fucking awesome! They are super nerdy, but…! When it’s bright out, but not bright enough to warrant sun shades, the blue tint is perfect! Especially when I have a headache!
So if any of this resonates with you, or if you just like the idea of being able to easily switch up your glasses, definitely check out Pair Eyewear – it’s super fun, convenient, and, at times, practical as hell!
However, a ton of things you can find on Amazon (and at other retailers) can be found cheaper on Temu – They’re just cutting out “middle men” who are trying to make a profit on the resale of these products. I was a reseller & I’ve worked in enough retail to know how businesses operate.
So anyways…
I love Temu. I try not to go too crazy – I mostly buy things you can’t really find anywhere else.
Clothes? I’m not one for “fast fashion” – I like my clothes to last at least 5 years 😅 Literally every piece of clothing I’ve gotten from Temu has held up pretty well (except for the iron-on applique on one shirt). I’ve bought shirts, jackets (with a shitty zipper, but it’s warm as hell!), boots (super warm, & sufficient in the snow!), and I wear nothing but their sherpa lined pants all winter.
Warm & cozy Temu boots…& my ass kickin’ boots
I’m getting into leatherworking, & I’ve bought some cheap tools from Temu, including the “famous” $100 manual sewing machine. All this stuff has been awesome to experiment with, without my credit card bursting into flames.
And Xmas gifts galore! I’ve found so many unique gifts for people, I don’t even know where to begin!! One time I did get a metal sign that was bent to hell in transit & I couldn’t straighten it out for the life of me, but they’re really good about refunds (I’ve never had a single problem, especially with things that disappeared during delivery).
Overall, I have not been disappointed by anything I’ve bought off this app – it’s made trying fun new things extremely affordable, which is ideal before you start spending money on quality.
Walmart Spinach & Snack Peppers
Kinda random to mention, I know, but they’re a staple in my diet.
I rarely buy produce (or protein, for that matter) from Walmart. But they have beautifully priced, quality snacking peppers & bags of spinach at my local store! I buy some every time I’m in there.
My kids are even obsessed with the peppers, & they’re food snobs!
Wegmans Onion Hummus
Yummy in my tummy!!!
On the diet note, Wegmans’ Caramelized Onion Hummus is the best hummus on the planet.
I’ve tried a lot of hummus. I do not care for most hummus.
This hummus is the bees knees! 😅
I have to buy two small buckets of it every time I go in to Wegmans because my food snob children will eat it straight out of the container. (I prefer it with my snack peppers, or carrots or celery.)
Seriously, even if you don’t like hummus, try this shit – it’s amazing!
Don’t get excited – most of that cash stack is singles
Apps are great. Cash works better for me. My husband agrees.
It’s a lot easier to know how much money you have to work with when it’s staring you in the face as opposed to being numbers on a screen.
It’s also a lot easier to second guess your purchases while you’re pulling that cash out of your wallet, as opposed to swiping a card real quick.
Not preaching; that’s just my lived experience.
A couple years ago, I was watching videos on YouTube about cash budgeting systems, and trying to figure out how I could make that work for my family.
Then I saw a video with this cash budget wallet, got all excited & bought it, and I’ve been using it ever since – I can’t even imagine how much money it’s actually saved me over the years!
None of these products or services are about optimization – they’re about making life just a little easier & more enjoyable. It’s stuff I like enough to share because maybe you’d like it too!
Small comforts count – you don’t need the “best” or most expensive version of anything. You’re allowed to like whatever works for you.
If you like this kind of real-life sharing, I post more of it on Facebook — random finds, routines, and whatever’s actually working lately.
If you’ve found something that genuinely made your life a little better, I want to hear about it – share it with me in the comments below!
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Why is this even in my prompts anymore?!? 😅 Well, right now, I’m trying to plan for Hubby’s bday, but he won’t tell me what he wants to do, so… we’ll see where I can drag his ass out to (probably shopping & Olive Garden, we’ll see). I also have to plan Bubby’s bday, which is in a couple weeks – she’s no help either 😂
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Doing pretty good, though my diet’s been a bit of a challenge with the holidays – Life’s short, so I’ve been enjoying the hearty foods without going too overboard (nevermind the half bottle of Gerstacker spiced holiday wine I much too thoroughly enjoyed on Xmas Eve! 😜) I’ve kept up with my workouts, though I think I pulled muscle in my shoulder & my hip at some point, but they’re starting to feel better. I’ve been in a pretty good mood, despite the holiday stress. And I’ve found time to work on lots of crafts, both by myself and with the kids, so that’s been good.
marriage : We’re good. Nothing new. He’s excited that I’m excited to get into leatherworking because he’s done a bit of it in the past, mostly with upholstery though – He even got me a cheap manual leather sewing machine & spiffed it all up…now he’s just gotta show me how to use it lol! I’m hoping he gets inspired to work on some projects alongside me.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good; they had a nice Xmas. BooBoo was obsessed with singing “Feliz Navidad” for a few days there, which was a little much 😅 She was like Nancy fuckin’ Drew with these Shelf Elves all month! (We have 5 elves at this point.) Bubby’s excited over all her new dolls. No notable injuries to report this month, so that’s good 🤣
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : We’re doing good! Before winter break, I’d just started Bubby in Playing Preschool year 2 (and she was really enjoying it!) Because we homeschool year round, and because of all the holidays & birthdays this time of year, our winter break runs from halfway through December to halfway through January; so, we’ve been enjoying the break (all of us!)
zenBLITZ : I’ve been rocking my blog posts this past month! I managed to schedule quite a few, which I’m happy about. I started a Facebook page, where I’ve enjoyed sharing all kinds of things (including some fun songs on Xmas 🤣). No progress on my novella, which is fine, I just work on it when I feel like it. I managed to finish crocheting my step granddaughter’s baby blanket & my step daughter’s matching scarf in time for Xmas, though I apparently don’t know how to double crochet properly 😬 (it’s ok, the blanket didn’t turn out to be too much of a disaster lol sigh). I’m going to be working on a scarf for myself next, which I might share in a future blog post because it has a whole story associated with it. I’m also waiting on some materials to start leatherworking, which is super exciting! Most importantly – my blog hit 100 subscribers, & I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am to all of you who have liked, commented, & subscribed to my little blog over the past year – You fill my heart with such love, and I appreciate the hell out of every one of you!!! Thank you 💚
homemaker (finance, cleaning, travel, etc) : My credit card has just about melted, the house is a mess, and I don’t have the energy to leave the house let alone travel… 😅 All good, though!
Currently
eating – Santa’s cookies 😜
drinking – Spiced wine
watching – Celebrity Game Face
reading – Just finishing “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve; got a couple books in the mail, including one that ChatGPT suggested I read next
playing – Coin Master, & Roblox with the girls (we got into a “super slap” match last night, & I don’t even know what the purpose of the game was LOL)
buying – bday gifts for Bubby, leatherworking supplies, books
I felt like it was as good a time as any to share chapter 2, so here goes… Happy Holidays!! 💚🎄
Imaged created with ChatGPT
Chapter 2 : 2012 : Smell of Gasoline
Days before my 26th birthday, an interesting post popped up on my Facebook feed : “We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything”
“How strikingly articulate. And contemplative,” I thought to myself. “Looks like he made it home safe!”
I gave it a “thumbs up”.
I’d almost forgot he existed. Occasionally I’d see coverage of the war on TV at the hospital, & quietly send out some loving & protective vibes to the universe for him. But that was about it.
Then I got pissed off over changes in management at the hospital & found myself back at The Apple. My zen.
As I organized the cash in my register one afternoon, I heard a, “Hey! Long time no see!”
I looked up & did a quadruple take. “Holy shit, how are you?!?”
“Umm..I had another kid!” he laughed as he held up the toddler in his arms. “Yeah, that’s a whole story…” he trailed off with a tone of regret.
I chuckled. “I’m sure it is! Well, it’s good to see you!!”
“It’s good to see you too,” he said with a breath of relief. “I’m in a rush. 20 on pump 5. Do you think I could get your number yet?”
A surprised pause and a flattered smirk, before I wrote my number down on a piece of receipt paper.
“Cool! I’ll talk to you soon, ok?!” he said as he put it in his pocket.
“Looking forward to it. Take care sweetie.”
We texted back & forth quite a bit, just getting to know each other.
I told him my favorite band was Green Day, though American Idiot was too “emo” for me (undeniably well written & orchestrated, however).
He said his favorite band was Reverend Horton Heat; he goes to see them every time they come to town. I thought I’d never heard of them until I looked them up on YouTube & came across a performance of “Big Red Rocket of Love” that I saw on Late Night With Conan O’Brien when I was a kid. How funny. I liked them enough then to remember the performance, & I found that I liked them even more now! “Maybe we’ll go to a show together sometime,” I told him. “That’d be fun!”
I told him I used to be fairly well known among the local ska scene when I was a teenager. My first love, my high school sweetheart…he seemed to be the only trombone player in the area who liked ska, so he was in probably five different bands at any given time. And he would always pull me up on stage to help him get the crowd dancing. Everybody knew us because they had no choice.
He said he was a punk kid from Detroit who liked to skateboard and flirt with all the cute girls.
I wasn’t surprised.
His toddler was an “oopsie”, but we’ll call her a surprise. He was lonely one night, went to a bar & hooked up with a chick who probably looked halfway decent in the bar lighting after a couple shots. Nine months later, she started doing everything she could to make his life a living hell. Paternity test be damned, it was his.
He said he liked chicken Caesar salads. And baseball.
I didn’t know what a chicken Caesar salad was. And I hate baseball.
I was standing outside the store one sunny afternoon, taking a cigarette break. Along came Jack, walking toward me from his car which was parked at a gas pump. He kept wiping his face off.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, half laughing.
“Well, I ran out of gas. So I had to siphon it out of my lawn mower so I could come here. And get gas.” He then explained how siphoning worked because I didn’t know you could do such a thing. “I can’t get the taste of gasoline out of my mouth now! Can you taste it? Just…”
I laughed out loud as I took a couple steps back from him. “I’m smoking a cigarette – I probably shouldn’t get too close to any gasoline fumes.”
“Just… Just see if you can smell it. I don’t wanna walk around smelling like gas all day!”
I leaned in, and…we kissed for a split second, I’m not gonna lie. That sneaky bastard. His lips were soft, and more kissable than I ever realized. I guess I felt like we’d both been patient for long enough, and so I didn’t really think too hard before taking him up on his offer. His very strange offer.
For the record, he did not smell or taste like gas. I almost thought he was full of shit about the whole siphoning thing, but I know he wasn’t. Cuz…that’s Jack.
“Nope, you’re good.”
With the slight smile of a kid who just surprised himself by winning a prize at a carnival & was all proud, he said “Oh good… Thanks!” And then he went in to pay for his gas.
Meanwhile, guilt set in. Hard, like a sharp stab in my chest. I was still in a relationship, after all, and I wasn’t trying to mess with anyone’s heart or mind. Why did I just do that?!?
Because I wanted to. Obviously. I’m not one to let an opportunity pass me by.
“I gotta run. I’m sorry. I’ll text you later?” he said as he rushed back to his car.
“Ok…” And I went back to work.
A couple hours later, I got a text message.
“I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have encouraged that. I know you’re in a relationship. And I’m not trying to complicate things between us, or fuck anything up for you. Honestly. Forgive me?”
“Yeah, I forgive you.” But I’ll never forget.
A couple months passed. Autumn was setting in, and the air had a slight chill.
I hadn’t seen him much since the “kiss”, so I sent him a text message – “Miss you, stranger.”
Moments later, I got a reply – “Miss you too 😦 Sorry I’m a shitty friend. I haven’t had the best couple months and really have become quite the hermit. I’m surprised I still have ANYTHING. Are you at work?”
“Unfortunately. Everyone’s an asshole today LOL”
“I’m sorry. Can I stop by & hang out for a bit?”
“Of course, anytime!”
“Ok, I’ll see you in a little bit.”
Nighttime blanketed the sky by the time he made his way to the store.
“Mind if I go take a break?” I asked my coworker. He told me to take my time. So I did.
We went out beside the store where we could chat without being interrupted by regular customers excited to see me or old people looking to complain to a shirt that matches the store.
“How’s it going??” I asked. “What have you been up to?”
“Not much,” he said with a bit of sadness in his voice. “Just ruminating a lot. A lot of shit hit the fan for me. No motivation. Sad? Depressed? I don’t fucking know anymore. Just trying to survive.”
“Why, what’s going on?”
He took a deep breath. I even think he started shaking a little. Looking down at the ground, he started venting like I’d never experienced in my life (and lots of people like venting to gas station attendants for some reason).
His ex wife was trying to turn their kids on him. Doubling down in court with the new baby’s mama, for custody and for child support; she was obsessed with turning everyone on the planet against him (no surprise she buddied up with the ex wife). There was an incident at work with an inmate falsely accusing him of something, so he was arrested in front of one of his kids and now he had to go to criminal court for that too. His kids were acting out – stealing, lying, all the stuff kids do when they’re overwhelmed. And understandably so.
“Jesus christ…” I gasped. My problems seemed petty as fuck in comparison. I couldn’t imagine all this drama – it seemed like everyone was out to get him. No wonder he felt so drained. “I’m sorry you’ve got all that weight on your soul. I wish there was something I could do… I could go to court with you if you want, for moral support? We could go out to lunch after!”
“No, that’s ok.” A slight smile of relief. “It’s early in the morning. I’m sure you’re fast asleep.”
“I can wake up early if I really want to, you know!” I laughed.
What else could I do besides be there to listen to him when it gets to be too much? Nothing, unfortunately.
With hesitation, he went on.
“I had a cold a few days ago, and I took a little too much cough medicine, and…I wondered how much I would have to take to end all this. You know?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “No amount of cold medicine is likely to end anything. You’ll just trip balls if you’re lucky. Not that I know or anything.” (My trombone wielding ex was a self proclaimed addict, & he was pretty fond of “Robo Trippin’” on cold meds right before we met – I knew quite a bit about the effects of various street & OTC drugs, though mostly not from personal experience.)
“I’m sorry to drop all this on you… really. I have no one else.”
I just wanted to wrap my arms around him & let him hide for a little while. I also didn’t want to fuck with his heart, especially when he seemed to be feeling so vulnerable. “You’ll get through this. It’s the yin & yang of life, right? Ebb & flow? This is a pretty strong ebb, but it’s not quite a tsunami. Close, yeah, but not quite. It’ll settle in time. And I’m here, no matter what, for whatever that’s worth. I wish I could fix things for you though, I really really do.”
“Thanks. You’re a good friend. I’m sorry I’m really not myself right now.”
“We all have versions of ourselves. I’m here for it all, ok?” I said.
I could see the line growing in the store, which meant my break time had to come to an end.
“I really don’t wanna go back in there right now, but I kinda have to. I’m sorry. Can I give you a hug?”
“Of course. Anytime.”
We wrapped our arms around each other. Tight. I didn’t think he’d ever let go. I kind of hoped he wouldn’t. Once I settled into it, everything melted away. I couldn’t hear any customers; I didn’t care if the line went out the door & down the block to the next gas station. It was like time stopped for a few moments, fully engulfed in his…everything – body, mind, heart, & soul. I’d loved and been loved a lot in my life, but I’d never experienced anything quite like that. I felt safe, warm, genuinely loved. More than ever before.
I could feel his breathing start to slow, and his heartbeat. I could feel his tension melting away. I think he felt the same as I did.
“I don’t want to let go, but I probably should,” I muttered.
“Just one more second,” he replied. “Y’know, they say that if a hug lasts long enough, the oxytocin will leave you bonded for life.”
“Sounds like witchcraft to me,” I laughed. I would know- I’d studied witchcraft most of my life.
“It’s psychology,” he said.
“Same thing!” I’d studied both pretty extensively.
He squeezed me tight before slowly letting go, and quietly he said, “I love you, Sally. Thanks for being a good friend. Sorry I’m such a shitty one.”
“I love you too. Just, please, try to take care of yourself. You matter too much to let anything dim those sparklers in your eyes.” I gave him a hopeful grin as I stepped back toward the store.
“Go on, before you get fired. I’ll text you later.”
As I cashed out the 436 customers that magically appeared over the past few minutes, my mind was trying to process everything that had just happened – it was a lot to take in. “Holy shit, did he just tell me he’d thought about killing himself? Or was he just saying he wanted to get fucked up enough to escape the shit on his mind?”, hit me pretty hard all of sudden. Either way, I realized I wasn’t just the cute gas station attendant anymore – I was someone he trusted with a depth of emotions that most people aren’t invited to see.
But what could I do, really?!? I can be here; I can always be here as long as he’ll let me. That’s about it.
Then some shit hit the fan for me.
I stopped by to visit my father as I did every Sunday, and he was sitting in the kitchen with a walker.
I said hi, and kept looking down at the walker, thinking he’d indulge me on why he dragged it out.
Stubborn old Marine he was, he did not clue me in until I asked.
“Oh, I think I had a stroke.”
“WHAT?!? Why aren’t you in a hospital?!?”
He chuckled and said, “yeah, I probably should, huh? Let me finish this beer, & then I’ll call for an ambulance.”
“Oh what the fuck…” I called the ambulance. While he finished his beer.
Long story short, he’d had a relatively mild stroke, and tests showed a small, cancerous tumor in his left lung. The stroke left him needing physical therapy for a couple months; the only long lasting effects were numbness in some of his left fingers and enough trouble walking to need a walker. Once that was situated well enough, he was miraculously approved for surgery to remove the tumor, and it went without a hitch!
His stroke ended up being a blessing in disguise for him because it led him to better health & self care than he’d bothered with since before my mom died. Because it led to me taking over his health care, home care, and, well, everything care. Because he just wouldn’t anymore.
It was the beginning of the biggest sacrifice of my life.
Yet I still felt my problems were minor in comparison to Jack’s.
It was a bright sunny day at the store. He stopped in, and I went out for a break with him.
“I love you,” he said sweetly.
“I love you too,” I smiled.
“No, like, I really love you. I think I’m in love with you.” He looked shyly at the ground.
“Oh!” I could feel my cheeks getting red and the vein in my forehead starting to throb. “Uh, I don’t think you’re in love with me…”
“Oh yeah? Why do you say that?” He seemed a bit perturbed.
“You’ve never lived with me,” I laughed. “There’s a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them. And, in my opinion, you can’t know until you’ve lived with someone. Whether or not you’d end up resenting them and all that crap. Y’know?”
“Hm.” He seemed even more perturbed. “Well, I still think I’m in love with you, but whatever.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean or anything,” I said quickly. “I love you a lot, and I know you feel the same. I just don’t think you’d be able to stand me if we were actually together, y’know? I don’t know.”
“Ok.”
And that was that.
“How’s you?” I texted him a few days later.
“Hanging in there. You?”
“Just had one of my molars pulled. I don’t know why my teeth are so fucked up,” I shrugged to myself.
“Maybe you just have soft enamel,” he said. “I do. Unfortunately.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing, though I can see how that could be possible,” I replied. “No, they’re not fucked up like that. I don’t know. What have you been up to?”
“Well, I started trying to eat better. Lots of salads. And spinach. And I started running again!”
“Running from what?” I laughed. I sent him that meme that says “if you ever see me running, please kill whatever is chasing me “.
“Ha ha. (Not amused.) I started doing tai chi, too. I know you do yoga- have you ever tried tai chi?”
“No, not yet. I’ll have to look into that!” (It’s too slow for me. I’m too used to the more grandiose movements of hatha. Though it does have its appropriate situations.)
“Oh, I got a girlfriend!”
“Oh cool! Where’d you meet her?!?” I was genuinely excited for him! He needed a positive distraction from the chaos. Besides me.
“We dated a while ago. I saw her at the grocery store with her kiddo and decided to see how she was doing. One thing led to another, and we’re back together! You’ll like her, she’s really cool. Her name’s Desiree.”
“Awesome, I can’t wait to meet her!!”
Another couple weeks passed. I didn’t hear from him much. I assumed he was busy with his new girlfriend, which is totally understandable.
A girl came into the store, smiling at me. She seemed…cute. Friendly. A little odd.
She stopped after looking at me for a moment.
“Are you Sally?!” She seemed a little hesitant.
“Yup! You must be Desiree? Nice to meet you!”
“Yup! Nice to meet you too! Jack’s sick, and I thought I’d just come pick up some comfort stuff for him, y’know?”
“Aww!” I smiled. “I’m glad he has someone so sweet in his life, he really deserves it.” I was trying to be nice, but I just had a weird feeling about her. Not because of her, or him; I just worried it wouldn’t last as long as it should, for whatever reason. I tend to have pretty good intuition.
So, while I was trying to be nice because I genuinely thought she seemed like a sweet girl, I was also trying to give the vibe that I’ll kick her ass if she doesn’t treat him right.
She bought him some snacks and drinks.
“Tell him I hope he feels better!” I mentioned as she left.
Weeks passed. And then a couple months.
I didn’t hear from him, or see him for that matter, hardly at all.
We’d text briefly, occasionally. Tell each other we missed each other. He’d stop in for a couple minutes to get gas. But that’s about it.
After a very abrupt visit to the store, I finally texted him, “I miss you. I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore…cuz I never hear from you anymore.”
“Oh. Ok.”
And then I didn’t hear from him at all…
He’d once posted about “being who we really are, not what we’ve been made into”. But now, with the silence between us, I wasn’t sure we even knew who we were in the first place.
“Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent.” Seems he chose to leave me behind.
I guess he didn’t love me as much as he said he did.
If this chapter resonated with you — especially if you’ve loved someone at the wrong time — you’re not alone.
Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t keep?
You don’t have to answer out loud — but you’re welcome to.
zen BLITZ 