Emergency Room Stories: Chaos, Compassion, and the Things You Don’t See

*A photo from a (rare) quiet night in 2016*

To finish up my “health” related posts this month, I thought I’d share some stories from my time working in an Emergency Department a decade or so ago.

I started working at a local hospital in (I think) 2009 as a housekeeper (or “Environmental Services”, to make it sound more professional). Did that for two years before they changed management and I got pissed off & quit (more like threw my badge at them, told them to shove it, reminded them that I busted my ass for that place, and continued to bitch the whole way out the door. I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)

I went back a couple years later, with the intention of finding something better to do within the realm of healthcare. After an additional year of grinding my teeth in “Environmental Services”, I transferred to the Emergency Department as a “Patient Care Assistant” (which is basically a nursing assistant with no formal education & barely any training).

I hated it.

That’s a lie.

I resented the fact that I was supposed to spend 2 months training with a preceptor, but I only got 2 weeks (which amounts to a whopping 4 days on 12 hour shifts). Nobody gave a fuck – I talked to supervisors, managers, the union… no help. The company’s motto at the time was “Taking care of you is what we do”, yet they didn’t even take care of their own.

I also resented the fact that 97% of my coworkers were jaded, bitter, and lacking basic human compassion & decency. And lazy. Very fucking lazy – on other floors of the hospital, a PCA’s job is routine, set, and responsive to the assigned patients’ & nurses’ requests; in the ER, you do whatever you can, whenever you can, for whoever you can, and you do it with a sense of urgency. Well, that’s how I perceived it.

I digress.

I actually loved that job. I just never felt like I knew what I was doing (even though I did) because I was cheated out of adequate training, and I hated my bitch ass coworkers.

I loved the perpetual chaos, especially from working overnights. All 40 rooms were full, with at least 10 people in the waiting room at all times, for the first 6-8 hours of each shift. It was beautiful fucking chaos!

I loved constantly checking the board to see what I should do next. Part of my personality is “What’s the problem? What do we have to do to make it at least 1% better? Let’s do that…now!” Worked great in the ER, and with a lot of situations in life! Get shit moving & resolved ASAP so we can all move on with our lives.

And I loved briefly meeting & being able to help such a huge variety of people. That’s why I liked working in gas stations too – “What do you want? Here you go, get out of my store”, with the occasional deep conversation about religion and psychology and every other random thing you can think of. Working on other floors, a PCA would typically have the same patients until they were discharged; I didn’t want that. I love a quick turnover.

Despite the somewhat brief interactions, I learned from & loved a little bit of a lot of people. I found that I excel at making the uncomfortable as comfortable as possible, with humor & compassion – that’s the art behind the science of healthcare.

The ER isn’t just medicine – it’s humanity under pressure.

Here’s some stories…

The Bloody Nose Nun

I hate blood. It’s just not something that belongs outside of the body, in my opinion. Yeah, I know – probably not a good idea to work in an ER then. Shuddup 😉

One of my very first patients as a PCA in the ER was a nun. She said she was just sitting in her chair after dinner, knitting a blanket & watching TV, when her nose started bleeding. So, assuming the air was dry & it would resolve itself, she shoved a tissue up her nostrils & kept on knitting. After an hour, it just kept getting worse. So she paid us a visit. My job was to hold a bath towel against her nose for about 15 minutes until a doctor could come shove tampons up her face (that’s pretty literally the only thing you can do, so long as it isn’t a surgery-requiring hemorrhage).

I’m good for 5-10 minutes, but…I got to a point where I was gonna pass out & need to be admitted. That’s how much she was bleeding. Talking about hazing the newbie!

The ALS Wife

I was asked to go into a room and hold the older gentleman’s hand while he was intubated, to try to keep him calm. So I did.

While they were preparing to intubate, I overheard the doctors say that he had ALS. If you’ve been paying attention around here, ALS runs in my family.

When they were all done, they told me I could leave.

But I seemed to be the only one even noticing his devastated wife sitting there alone. So, I sat down with her.

I told her my name, my role at the hospital, mentioned that ALS runs in my family so I can relate in a small way to what she’s gone through as a caregiver, and offered any help I could – “if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, especially me. A blanket, someone to listen, a hug, a dozen donuts? I got you!” She thanked me, & I continued about my day.

When they transfer anyone who’s been intubated to another part of the hospital, an entire team needs to accompany the patient in case they code (stop breathing) on the way. I was asked to be part of the team while he was transferred to the ICU.

When we got to the ICU entrance, I was told to go back to the ER. His wife was asked to wait in the waiting room (in case there was a problem while getting him situated in his new death bed). I couldn’t leave her standing there helpless & alone, so I asked if she wanted a hug. She grabbed onto me & wouldn’t let go, which was fine. I held her while she cried, and I gently told her she should use this time with him to reminisce about the good times they had, remind him that she’ll be ok so that he can have some peace, and be grateful for the opportunity to tell him how much she loves him & say good bye. I reminded her that she will be ok, even though grief is an asshole, and to be patient with herself, & seek support wherever & whenever she needs it. When they let her in to the ICU, I wished her well & headed back to the ER.

Now, I’m not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or anything like that at all. I’m sharing this story as an example of how life sometimes throws people at you who you can genuinely help in some way, and its best to take the opportunity to be a decent human. That story still breaks my heart, but I’m glad I might have given her some warmth in that cold hospital.

That’s when I realized that sometimes your job isn’t to fix anything. It’s just to be a human in the room.

The Enema Guy

Yeah, part of my job was “soap suds enemas”. Gross. I’d hide if I saw that on the board & couldn’t find anything else to do. I’m not even joking.

Well, one time I couldn’t hide, so I went into the room.

The gentleman was probably in his 50’s. Kinda handsome.

I told him my name, my role at the hospital, and…he interrupted me.

“You’re not doing this, are you?!?” he said.

“I was asked to, yeah. Is that ok?” I replied.

He looked even more uncomfortable than a guy needing an enema should.

“Is it because I’m a pretty young lady?” (Not to toot my own horn, but I was in my late 20’s.)

“Yeah, pretty much!” he laughed.

I laughed too. “I understand, but trust me, you’d rather I do this than anyone else in this department – I’m way more intuitive & gentle than most of my coworkers here tonight. Seriously. I’ll make this as quick & painless as possible, ok?”

He grumbled & hesitantly agreed.

I’ll spare the details, but I truly did everything I could to make it as quick, painless, & as least humiliating as possible for him. Including bringing a commode into his room & closing the curtain (which most of my coworkers didn’t have the decency to do).

I saw him as he was being discharged & on his way out the door, so I said I was glad he was feeling better. He thanked me (a lot!) & said he hoped he never sees me again, either in the hospital or in public 😂

The Fatal MVA

So, a guy died in a car accident. Totally not his fault, either. He was in his mid to late 30’s, had a wife and 2 young sons.

The EMTs brought him to the hospital so his family could come & identify the body.

My job was to clean him up from the shoulders up so that his family wouldn’t be even more traumatized when they saw him.

He was bloody. And dead AF. How sad.

As I gently & lovingly scrubbed every dried speck of blood off his face, neck, & out of his hair, it was like I could feel his spirit lingering, going “what the fuck?!?” I quietly talked to him so that my coworkers wouldn’t think I’d snapped – apologized for his situation, told him his family will be ok & he’ll always be remembered & all that stuff.

After his family left, I was asked to be part of the team to transfer him to the morgue. So I did. We said a prayer for his spirit before we shoved his ass in the cooler, which was surprising out of my coworkers (not all of them were completely burnt out and disconnected!)

The Cellulitis Kid

A call came through the intercom. A young man was asking for a blanket. So I brought him a blanket.

He was kinda cute, but totally not my type – tall, football player type. We got into conversation, with him explaining that he was being admitted to another floor overnight pending surgery for the absolutely brutal cellulitis that had developed on his arm from an infection he’d gotten. As I left, he asked for my number. I politely declined, mentioning that he was too young for me besides the fact that I was engaged.

Still I made sure I brought him up to his room myself 😆 And then grabbed him some donuts for after his surgery with a little “get well” note before I left work for the day.

A couple months later, a young man came in via ambulance with “the worst shoulder dislocation anyone’s ever seen”. Nobody knew what to do, so they loaded him up with morphine while they figured it out.

I was busy with a million other things, so I only noticed the situation, not the person.

While standing at the nurses station, on the other side of the ER from his room, I heard someone yell my name with their outdoor voice, and then he yelled “I LOVE YOU!!!”

Oh my god it was so funny – all the bitchy nurses were stink eye-ing me so hard, I just laughed my ass off.

So I went into his room, tried to get him to calm down a little so I could get back to the 30+ other people I could actually help, and he chilled after that. He was flying though, LOL. I don’t even remember how they got his shoulder back into the socket…I think he needed surgery…again.

The Pitcher

About 2:00 in the morning, I was doing stuff. As I walked by one of the rooms, I heard someone say to me ”what are you doing?!? Get in here!”

All the female employees in the unit were in one room.

I didn’t know what was going on, so I stepped in & inquired.

“That drunk asshole in 3 took a swing at Kim!”

“…..and? He’s drunk. Swing back.”

“You’re crazy!”

I stepped out of the room to look around the department & see if I could find him. My favorite coworker, Nurse Donny, was trying to trap him with another male nurse & a security guard so they could restrain him because he was running amok.

Don came over & told me to get in the room. I laughed.

“I could flash him – I bet he’d be so caught off guard he’d stop dead in his tracks!”

“You’re killin’ me” Donny laughed.

“I’ve been in enough mosh pits, this dumb drunk fuck don’t scare me. Where is he? I’ll help you corner him!”

Just then the security guard got a hold of him, and then the cops showed up.

I was disappointed. I had some stress I needed to release 😂

Heroin Jesus

Early Easter morning (about 4am), a young man about 17 years old overdosed on heroin with his friends. They threw him in their car & rushed him to our ER. He died en route.

ER staff threw him in the trauma room. My job was to hold a leg down. 3 doses of Narcan later, that little shit came back like a bat out of hell. I’ve never seen anything like it – absolutely wild.

They stabilized him & moved him to a regular ER room. My job was to keep him awake & breathing to try to get his oxygen reading back to a safe level so that he wouldn’t have to be intubated before being transferred to the children’s hospital.

So I slapped him for a couple hours. Told him he’s lucky to be alive, so he better not fuck up like that ever again. Told him repeatedly he better do something good with his life from then on. And called him Heroin Jesus cuz he died & came back on Easter Sunday.

He didn’t need to be intubated.

Other Heroin Guy

We didn’t have too many drug problems come to our hospital, surprisingly.

One guy got to me though.

He was a “regular” – he was in our ER at least monthly because he’d devastated his body with drugs for so long, he was on his way out of this life. And he knew it. And he regretted it. Deeply.

When I could, I’d sit & talk with him because he really needed someone to talk to. He’d given up on himself a long time ago. No matter how hard he tried, how many times he’d been to rehab, how strongly he knew better – his addiction was just too strong. And, eventually, it won.

Very sad. He seemed like a good, caring, smart person when he had some clarity. Quite the shame.

“Crazy” Thyroid Lady

(This one really got to me too.)

I kept noticing room 14 needed an EKG done. Every time I had the chance, I’d go to do it, but there would already be somebody in there with an EKG machine. This happened about 4 times before I finally said to my coworkers, “hasn’t anyone done the EKG for 14 yet?!?”

“That bitch is crazy. She won’t let anybody do it!”

So, I grabbed an EKG machine & headed on in. I tend to be good with the “crazies”.

I introduced myself, told her my role in the department, & told her what I was going to do. I could tell she was frazzled as fuck. I told her she didn’t need to tell me anything that was going on, especially since I’m not a medical professional, but that I’m listening if she wanted to talk.

She told me she had a thyroid issue. When her thyroid is throwing her hormones off, she acts “a little weird”. She was acting a little weird, so her friend insisted she come to the ER & get her hormone levels checked. Now that she was in the ER, her anxiety had skyrocketed and she was having flashbacks to when she’d been sexually assaulted many years prior, but didn’t know why that was coming to her then. She said it was violent.

Obviously (to me), it was coming to her because all these strange men (doctors) were grabbing (although somewhat gently) at her throat to check the size of her thyroid. Plus, she was in a hospital gown, and PCAs were violating her personal space trying to hook her up to monitors and EKG machines. It only makes sense.

So, I was extra gentle with her. Got her to calm down and think her way through her current situation. I promised to do whatever I could to ensure only female staff assisted her, wherever possible (though we didn’t have any female doctors on staff that night). She thanked me, & relaxed quite a bit in comparison.

I brought the EKG read out to her assigned doctor, and then went to the head nurse to let everyone know she really needed female staff to help her as much as possible; I even offered to be the sole PCA to help with whatever she needed.

“WHY?!?” One of the cunt nurses overheard me & butted in.

The head nurse just stared at me like he was wondering why too, so I told them she was experiencing PTSD symptoms and needed fewer males around her.

“Well, I’ve been raped before – get over it!” the cunt blurted out loud enough for half the department to hear. (Obviously, she wasn’t “over it”, so why would she expect someone else to be?!?)

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” I asked as I walked away to help another patient. She blabbered on about how her husband assaulted her once, and I just couldn’t even. I had to walk away before I slapped her.

That’s the kind of shit that bothered me – not the blood, the overdoses, the disgusting cellulitis or enemas… The atrocious behavior & perspectives of certain (too many) coworkers. It fucking killed me to be around people like that. Now, I have a fucked up sense of humor, & I have my limits, but… I kinda feel like you should still have some sense of basic human decency to work with patients, especially in an emergency care setting. Fuck.

When it was time for “14” to be admitted to the floor, I noticed a male PCA grabbed her cart before I got the chance. I stopped him (not just because he was a man, but also because he was the kind of person who…I would literally rather die than let him help me). We actually got into an argument, because I insisted I take her up to the floor – He got pissy & I won. She thanked me.

The Actual Crazy Lady

About 5am, nurse Jason asked if anyone could “take the crazy lady in 28 up to the floor”.

It was very unusual for him to call anyone crazy, so I wanted to see just how crazy she was.

She was pretty crazy. I felt bad for her. And her husband.

A few years prior, I had a woman come into my gas station bitching up a storm about the fact that her credit card was being declined at the pump. The problem was her card. She disagreed. After screaming at & berating me for a solid couple minutes, her husband came in & told her to go wait in the car. He proceeded to apologize for her behavior, explain that she has an unknown medical problem that she’s being evaluated for, & then vented about how she was never like that, he doesn’t know what happened, he’s overwhelmed with taking care of her, & he hopes the doctors can help her get back to the sweet woman she used to be.

And here we are again, in the ER. I think her husband actually recognized me, but couldn’t remember from where (gas station is a far cry from ER I guess).

Bless his sweet soul, he was still taking care of her. And he was completely depleted; I could tell.

Assuming from meds, she was practically catatonic. Unresponsive. Still physically able to get up & get in a wheelchair…eventually. Which she then purposely “had an accident” in once we got up to the floor. I told her husband I would get a nurse to help me clean up her & the wheelchair, and he insisted he take care of her because there’s no way she’d let anyone else do it. So he did his thing, & I did mine. I offered some kind words & anything he wanted for free from the donut shop downstairs, but he declined. In retrospect, I probably should’ve brought him a sandwich or some tea anyway.

“Live your life so you have stories to tell” is something I’ve always believed.

But working in the ER taught me something deeper:

You don’t just collect stories —

you become part of other people’s stories, often at their worst moments.

So if you take anything from this:

Be kind. Be patient. Be human — especially when it’s inconvenient.

You never know what someone else is carrying.

What’s a moment in your life that stuck with you — for better or worse? Remember – Always Tell Your Story

I’d genuinely love to hear it. 💚

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

When the Brain Takes a Hit: Living With the Ripple Effects of a Mild TBI

blitz

Why This Topic Is On My Mind

I have quite the database of ideas I’ve thought up to write about. And after sharing my ALS post last week (The Family Curse: Growing Up in the Shadow of ALS), I thought I’d continue with more “health” related topics.

Traumatic brain injuries have been on my mind for a while because of some personal, but secondhand, experiences.

TBIs affect more people than many realize. Their effects can be subtle, confusing, and sometimes misunderstood.

And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that brain injuries definitely don’t follow a rulebook…

There Is No “One Size Fits All”

Brain injuries vary widely, and the symptoms can vary just as widely depending on the location & severity of the damage. Even still, two people with similar injuries may have very different experiences.

Symptoms may seem nonexistent for a time & then appear years later. For some, symptoms can be intermittent.

I think part of the reason for this is one of the most beautiful things about our brains – neuroplasticity. See, the neurons themselves don’t re-generate; once they’re damaged, they’re damaged. However, other neurons can gradually branch out & compensate for the damaged neurons, though sometimes this adaption can cause some problems while fixing others.

The Brain Is Just an Organ (But an Important One)

No different than your liver or heart, your brain is technically nothing more than chemicals and electricity. Personality, memory, and knowledge ultimately boil down to chemistry and electrical activity inside brain tissue. When that tissue is damaged, the effects can ripple through every aspect of life.

The most famous example is that of Phineas Gage (to the point that he’s often covered in basic Psych 101 classes) – working as a construction foreman in the mid 1800’s, a tamping iron shot through his skull, which annihilated a huge chunk of his brain’s frontal lobe. His survival after such an extreme injury is remarkable, but it was due to the fact that nothing that controlled his autonomic nervous system sustained damage – the frontal lobe is largely responsible for an individual’s personality, emotion, and social behavior. Despite his survival, his personality changed. Drastically. He went from being a meticulous leader, to being…well, by most accounts, kind of an asshole. Interestingly enough however, he hated animals before the accident; after the accident, he loved animals so much he became a stagecoach driver.

What Brain Injuries Can Affect

Again, symptoms vary widely depending on the severity & location of the injury, and many symptoms aren’t always obvious.

For example – the magnitude of cognitive and memory changes can be surprising.

Common physiological symptoms

migraines
neck pain
dizziness
exhaustion
coordination issues

Common psychological / cognitive symptoms

anxiety
anger
depression
memory loss
confusion
rumination
paranoia
irritability

The Night My Husband Hit His Head

A couple months before we met, my husband had a barn party at his place – lots of people, lots of stuff going on.

Probably a dozen shots in (I wasn’t there, but I know he was a party monster), he decided to use the porta potty in the barn. When he came out, he tripped on a rug & fell back, whacking his head on the concrete & effectively knocking himself out cold for a few minutes.

His friends thought he was dead. Yet they didn’t bother calling for an ambulance for some insane reason. (After working in an ER, I know that the standard operating procedure for such an injury is an ambulance ride with a neck brace on, & an immediate CT scan to check for internal bleeding.)

He was significantly concussed for nearly a week – throwing up, massive headache, dizzy, couldn’t hardly stay awake.

Eventually (as in after we met & I yelled at him), he went to a doctor and had MRIs done on his head & neck. Come to find out he’d slipped two discs in his neck. He also retrospectively remembers being told he has “black spots” on his brain, though I just recently found the imaging discs they’d given him & I’d like to review them myself (not that I think I’m a doctor, but I do have enough medical education & experience to be able to tell if that was a false memory of his, or if there’s some truth to it).

When Symptoms Show Up Years Later

For a few years after, he was “normal” – well, he’s always been a little weird, & that’s why everyone loves him, but he was normal for him.

Then things changed. To me at the time it seemed to be out of nowhere, but now I know it was because of the stress of trying to sell his barns to someone he shouldn’t have been selling them to, combined with working too much and not getting enough sleep.

It seemed to me like he was having a nervous breakdown – extreme paranoia, anxiety, rumination and memory confusion. After a couple years, things settled down for a few months.

Then they started back up, though less extreme. The second time around I realized what was happening — he was confusing dreams with real events.

He’s always slept like shit. He’s always been an “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” kind of guy. Unfortunately, that’s making his life hell these days because it’s just exacerbating other symptoms.

These days, he’s often very irritable, struggles with wanting to try new things, and sometimes he even gets lost when he’s driving around the neighborhood (luckily he was a truck driver & knows not to panic when he doesn’t recognize where he is). He also says that he feels like he “never fully came back into his body” after the concussion, which kind of sounds like a sense of perpetual brain fog.

A lot of these symptoms tend to come & go. But they’re there.

A Scary Moment

One night a few months ago, he was irritable for no apparent reason and we ended up getting into an argument. He eventually got so upset after ruminating for hours, he seemed like he was having a stroke – slurred speech, a little droopy on one side. I insisted I call 911 because it really freaked me out – I’d never seen that happen to him before. He insisted I wait (which is always a terrible idea if someone is actually having a stroke, by the way!!!) But once he calmed down, he was fine.

I’m not trying to diagnose anything here – just sharing what I’ve observed. And that incident showed me that brain injuries can sometimes manifest as stroke-like symptoms.

We’re currently awaiting further testing at a local neurological institute (the one I always envisioned myself working at, actually).

A Similar Story

My “old friend” that I mention occasionally told me back when we were friends that he’d suffered a TBI at some point – I don’t remember much of the story, but then again, neither did he.

I can’t recall the circumstances under which he said it happened, but I know he said he had no clue what the fuck happened. He had no recollection of it actually happening.

He also said that he’d sometimes experience symptoms of a stroke. He’d had an MRI done, which showed nothing at the time, so doctors were having trouble giving him any answers as to why this was happening.

Sometimes he’d get really irritable, and withdrawn, and then sometimes be super apologetic afterward.

In retrospect, after seeing what my husband’s been dealing with, I can’t help but wonder if this old friend is on my mind lately because I feel like I can understand him even better now than I did then. I mean, I don’t know if all of his symptoms (or my husband’s) are from their concussions, which I’m sure they’re not all, but… I guess it helps some things make more sense.

How Brain Injuries Can Affect Relationships

Brain injuries don’t only affect the injured person.

They can influence:

communication
emotional regulation
conflict
memory of events

I realized a while ago that sometimes the best response to these reactions is to just breathe, let us both cool down, and approach the situation with quiet compassion.

I struggle with that sometimes, I’m not gonna lie. When certain buttons of mine get pushed, I can get very defensive.

But that really is the only way to deal with it – quiet compassion, on both our sides.

Aging and Brain Health

My husband & I were recently talking about Bruce Willis, who is currently suffering from advanced frontotemporal dementia.

Granted, dementia is very different than a TBI – it’s a progressive neurodegenerative disorder which causes significant declines in language, memory, and behavior.

My husband was upset & said he didn’t understand why Bruce Willis’ family put him under someone else’s care.

As a caregiver for most of my life, and as someone who’s worked in an ER with more than my share of dementia patients… I explained that the decision could’ve been made as a result of caregiver burnout, arrangements due to his wishes before this point, or his current condition (don’t know if he’s violent or wandering out to the streets naked in the middle of the night, etc).

Brain conditions in general can become pretty complex.

So can anything that affects your body’s hormones & neurotransmitters in general (stay tuned for a thyroid story in next week’s post!)

Staying Proactive

There are definitely some activities that can support neuroplasticity & mental regulation, for everyone.

For example:

Yoga helps ground me in the present moment. It helps me to focus on what’s going on within & around me while I pull apart all the physical tension in my body.
Tai chi I’ve found to be especially helpful when my brain is extra busy because of the constant movement involved.
Any exercise you enjoy, that keeps your attention is great for your brain!
Meditation trains your brain to let go of fleeting thoughts – it’s helped me get through many a dental procedure, as well as just stay calm in chaotic moments.
Journaling. I can’t recommend journaling enough (brace yourself for a series coming soon lol!) It can help you work through tough situations & feelings, make plans for a brighter future, remember things as they happened, and so on. Especially analog journaling – the brain loves novelty & tactile sensations!

The “Thinking Notebook”

I’ve been journaling for about 30 years now, and I’m definitely an advocate for analog over digital.

Handwriting forces you to slow down & focus on what you’re actually thinking – The tactile experience literally engages your brain differently than typing.

I often think of my journal as a “thinking notebook” – a place to let my brain vent onto paper, so that it can all be easier to manage.

Closing Thoughts

The brain is resilient in amazing ways. But it’s also fragile – and sometimes the effects of injury don’t show up until years later. The more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring to ourselves and each other.

If someone suspects they may have experienced a head injury in the past, please –

talk with healthcare professionals
seek medical imaging
stay proactive about your brain’s health

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

The Family Curse: Growing Up in the Shadow of ALS

Where I'm At

Yeah, so…I’m still fucking sick. Recovering, but much slower than I’d like. Lame. Please bear with my foggy brained rambling 😆💚

I decided to scrap my last “love” post for February. Cuz, well…I’m just not interested in it anymore!

This month (ironically), I’m planning a few “health” related posts.

Not at all like “how to be healthy” posts.

More like…this is some shit I’m dealing with, or have dealt with in the past, posts.

It’s been in my neverending collection of stuff I wanna post about eventually, so…here we go! 😉

*“Holding Hope”* – Image created with Gemini

Some families pass down heirlooms.

Some pass down traditions.

Mine passed down ALS.

And if the pattern in my family holds, there’s a chance the story isn’t finished with me.

The Family Curse

A few months back, I wrote a little bit about my teenage experience as a caregiver for my mother after her ALS diagnosis, & the personal fallout after she’d passed away (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast: What October Means to Me).

For those who don’t know, ALS runs heavily in my mother’s family. To the point where our genes are sought for study. It’s pretty scary.

Let me map out some of what little I actually know :

It comes from my mom’s dad’s family, traceable back as far as the late 1800’s when it was referred to as “creeping paralysis”.
My mom was the oldest of four girls, the middle two were twins : The youngest doesn’t carry the gene; the other three passed away, all from ALS, at around the ages of 35, 45, & 55.
The three sisters had a total of six kids between them, myself included. Out of those six, three have already passed away from ALS, most recently about two years ago now. I haven’t been tested for the gene, but my remaining cousins were & they do carry it.
Here’s two of many stories about about a couple of my cousins :
- Dying Mom Leaves Legacy of Wisdom
- New York Bill Named for Beloved Coach Seeks to End Genetic Insurance Discrimination

Existential Crisis

My odds probably aren’t great. But as long as I don’t get tested, there’s still a strange kind of hope in the uncertainty.

However, one of those remaining cousins was recently diagnosed with ALS. She’s only a couple years older than me, so…cue the amplified existential crisis.

I’m tired of being so rudely reminded of my mortality, as I’m sure were all of my ancestors before me.

I’m tired of all this grief, and fear.

That possible genetic time bomb has been ticking a little too loudly in my ear lately…

And I resent the fact that my family isn’t as close as it should be. It’s always been kind of sickening to me, because we all know that’s not the way it should be.

Shitty Instincts

For some reason, hearing this news makes me want to reach out to my old friend even more. (If you’ve been around a while, you’ve heard me mention him. And you may have heard me mention that I’ve tried reaching out to him, to no avail.)

Why.

Because I don’t wanna go out without resolution. Such unresolved tension. Especially since there’s no good reason for it in the first place.

And because I want his support; because sometimes he could be the most enlightening perspective in my life.

He was around when I first started learning more about the tragedy surrounding this gene, and he said to me one day, “seems you already count yourself among the dead”. Which wasn’t any more true then than it is now…

No One Makes It Out Alive

I don’t consider myself among the dead.

I consider myself among the cursed.

Cursed with immense loss & fear ingrained in my genetic code.

Cursed with being faced with the harshest of realities, such as the fact that no one’s there when all is done – ”In the end, you’re measured by how you treat the people closest to you“ – Ryan Holiday.

Cursed with shitty genes & a constant reminder of how short life can be.

But also immensely blessed with a sense of urgency that most people don’t realize until it’s too late. If they even get the chance.

All I can do is love my family, keep trying to live vibrantly, and keep trying to help others.

“Life is long, if you know how to use it” – Seneca

Celebrate life. Honor your ancestors.

If ALS has touched your family too, you already know the strange mix of grief, fear, and urgency that comes with it.

If you’re able, consider supporting ALS research – or simply reach out to someone you love today. None of us are promised tomorrow.

Click here to learn more about ALS or to donate toward finding a cure 👉 ALS Association

Stay real. Stay loud. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Where I’m at #18

Where I'm At

Quick note : Hi there! I do have another post I’m trying to write to go along with the “unusual” love posts I’ve shared this past month, but I have been sick as fuck. Like…fuuuck! And so has everyone else in my home. So, I’ve fallen a bit behind. I’ll try to get that out next week, pinky swear 😉

In the meantime….

“Where I’m At” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Yeah, I don’t know. I’m so thrown off right now, its not even funny. I’ll get back on track soon though. I’d like to plan some sort of family fun next month, be it bowling or a hotel visit, but we’ll see how everyone’s health goes, I suppose.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Bleh! I’m…less sick; but I have some surprising health concerns since I started getting sick, which I’m looking further into. And since getting sick, my diet & exercise…didn’t get put on the back burner, it got thrown right off the stove 🤪 So, I’m slowly working my way back into routines. My brain’s doing pretty good though, considering and despite almost crippling anxiety over said health surprises. Workin’ on it…lol
marriage : Things are good. We take good care of each other and the kiddos, so I’m perpetually grateful for that.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Bubby kicked BooBoo in the face & now one of her teeth are a tiny bit loose, but I’m hoping it’ll resituate itself (omg please!!!!!) (Dentist visit coming ASAP, FML!) (Is this what it’s like having siblings? Cuz I didn’t have any. LOL UGH). Just found out both girls have astigmatism, & BooBoo’s been complaining of headaches lately – so, assuming they’re not just from her sister kicking her in the face, we’re working on getting her glasses this week. And both girls keep getting crazy tummy sickness randomly – they’ll be fine for a couple days, & then in hell for a day (I’m glad whatever this bug is affects me & hubby differently than them, geez!) Otherwise…the girls are doing great!!! 😅

*Yes, there’s a bounce house in my living room occasionally.* *That blur is BooBoo.*

homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Due to sickness, school has been a little inconsistent. Still plowing through as best we can. BooBoo loves geography lately, and math. And Bubby’s gymnastics coaches are ready to throw her into the next level of classes because her skills are way too far beyond the level she’s forced into right now. She’s still enjoying it though 😊 Oh, AND she made a FRIEND!!! YAY!!!
zenBLITZ : As with diet & exercise, creativity has pretty much been thrown right off the stove the past couple weeks. I haven’t felt enough clarity to write, even when I try; and I haven’t had the energy to work on much else, though I did complete a couple of cool projects earlier this month (& I love them!!!) :

*Completely handmade veg tan leather A6 “Traveler’s Notebook” cover (…I always fuck up the “B”! Ugh!)*

homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Pfft! Everything’s fine, but… 😝 I had to cancel our annual crockpot party due to everyone feeling like death was upon them, so… Next month I’m planning to host an “Asian” themed dinner potluck – I’m thinking I’m gonna get some saki, sushi, order some unique snacks from Amazon, bust out all my cool chopsticks & nifty dinnerware from Wegmans, and bribe someone to pick up a couple meals from Taste of China (the best damn Chinese food I’ve ever had in my life!) So help me god, I don’t even care who’s sick, we’re having that party! 😆
(step) gramma : A new feature that I figured I’d add, because it’s proving to be a pretty important part of my life 🥰 – my step granddaughter!! We babysit her fairly often, & we love every second of it! She’s just over 6 months old now, & she’s very smiley & giggly & precious hehe. Both girls absolutely adore her, and BooBoo gets quite the kick out of making her giggle & feeding her her bottle.

Currently

eating – Not much cuz FML I’m so sick of being sick…wah wah wah… 😂

drinking – Water. And tea. That’s about it. I haven’t even been drinking coffee (am I dying?!? LOL)

watching – YouTube. Lots & lots of YouTube.

reading – Still working on “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss

playing – The Sims. Bubby got me back into The Sims Freeplay on my phone. I don’t know why I get so obsessed.

buying – Oh boy. Hubby’s been on a bit of a spree this month. (I’ve been behaving, for the most part.) First, he made me buy a 6 foot bouncey ball from Vat19.com. Now he wants me to finally get him a pirate ship bounce house / water slide thing (which I’m not opposed to because he’s wanted one since before we even met, plus it’ll be fun in the summer, especially at parties.) And NOW he also wants to buy back the Roger Rabbit golf cart car his friend bought out from under him when we first got engaged. So, brace yourself for some interesting pictures this summer 🤣

listening to – Heaters. I’ve very much been enjoying as much peace & quiet as I can possibly get lately lol

celebrating – Life. That’s the best thing to celebrate. Especially despite the chaos of the world.

pinning – leatherworking, steampunk aesthetics, self care, & crochet

planning – Asian dinner party, potential adventure

feeling – 🤒 but (trying to be) optimistic

💚

Romanticizing Your Life: A Mindful Rebellion Against Numb Living

blitz

I stumbled across the idea of “romanticizing your life” a while back, & it kind of struck me – why would you really want to romanticize anything else?

Little did I know, this phrase was a “trend” (I’m always out of the loop, which is where I belong 😅).

To me, romanticizing your life isn’t about aesthetic perfection, pretending everything is awesome, or assuming you’re failing if your life isn’t curated like it belongs in an art gallery.

It’s simply holding the mindset of presence & intent throughout your days. It’s a way of looking at the ordinary moments. It’s practicing mindfulness.

Romanticizing your life is about attention, not aesthetics.

What It Actually Looks Like (In Real Life)

Noticing Small Sparks

The fleeting moments that make you pause, such as snow glittering in the sunshine or a genuine smile from a stranger. Always be looking for insight, hope, meaning, joy – no one can give it to you, you need to find it for yourself. And you absolutely can, the more you look for it.

I try to write down the little things throughout the day that I enjoy, as part of my journaling practice. It’s uplifting to read even a year or so down the road & remember how the surplus of birds chirping in the big tree on the side of my house made me feel in that moment. 🥰

Hesitating in Boring Moments

Before grabbing your phone to numb out all of your boredom and stress, ask yourself : What do I actually want to be doing right now?

Is there anything that could make this moment more fulfilling?

Treating Ordinary Moments as Worth Recording

Not because they’re impressive or profound to anyone (including you), but because they’re yours.

All the little moments put together are the story of your life. It’s worth making notes of. (And, perhaps, sharing?)

Why Journaling Matters Here : Time Blur & Memory

I always feel like everything I do throughout the weeks just blends together – days feel like weeks, weeks like months, and so on – and I’m left feeling like nothing’s actually happened.

That’s why I review my daily notes often. I condense dailies into weeklies, weeklies into monthlies, and so on – It helps me get a clearer perspective on what I’ve accomplished, what fun I’ve had, and what insights I’ve gained over time. And why.

For me, journaling throughout the day and planning joy for the future are anchors in time. Control over future feelings. Proof that I’m living my life (not just existing). And forcing my perception of time to slow down by paying attention to it as it passes.

When you document your life, time stops erasing it.

Romanticizing Your Life as Self-Choice

You don’t need permission to enjoy your life.

You need to choose yourself inside the roles you play in your life.

As a wife & mom, I constantly feel guilt pulling at my heartstrings for craving autonomy & independence. But I’m not just a wife & mom – I’m a badass 😉

I know who the fuck I am, and I need to go out into the world & just be me sometimes – going to concerts by myself, running errands by myself, taking myself out to sushi & write in the dining area at Wegman’s. I love my family, & I do plenty of fun stuff with them.

But presence includes choosing to honor yourself & your needs, not disappearing into obligation.

Tools That Support the Perspective

Even amidst times of chaos, these are tools that have supported my passion for living my life. Of course, these are ideas, not requirements.

Journaling – (If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite a fan.) Even when I’m tired or have had a boring day, I’ll at least write a simple word in my monthly log to summarize the day. Even if that word is “BLEH!”

Planning – (Also a fan.) Planners are fun because they can be used for a lot of things beyond tracking dreadful appointments. Because I homeschool my kids, I abuse my planner, but it definitely helps me figure out where & when I can fit in adventures to local hiking spots or museums (with or without the fam). However, planners can also be used as memory keepers – I make one for my husband every year, using a “Hobonichi Weeks” style planner, where I write a highlight of the day every day & add photos weekly. Just an idea. 😊

Weekly / Monthly Reflections – I make sure that I browse through my daily notes once a week to reflect on what I’ve done & contemplated, and compile the useful stuff onto its own page; sometimes I’ll expand on those notes, sometimes I don’t. Monthly, I review my weekly reflections & do the same thing. This process gives me a lot of valuable perspective over time.

Who This Is For

You. If you’ve read this far, this is definitely for you.

You crave beauty & fulfillment but hate bullshit
Maybe you feel bored, stuck, or numb
You want more meaning without blowing up your life
You feel something missing but don’t want a fantasy fix

Romanticize your life by paying attention & living each moment with intention.

You don’t need a better life — you need to be present in the one you have.

Document one ordinary moment today. Get sensual about it, if you want – “that sip of coffee was perfectly warm on this frigid day, and slapped me to attention like a sumo wrestler warming up for a match”.

And plan one small, meaningful thing – just for you. (Even it’s just grocery store sushi.)

If this resonated, share it with someone who’s tired of numb scrolling — or bookmark it for the next time time feels slippery.

Rock on! 💚

Self-Love Without the Cringe: A 7-Day Journaling Reset

zen

Since February is the season of love, I thought I’d write a focused series of posts throughout the month. Don’t worry, they’re not the typical bullshit. I’m thinking self love, romanticizing your life, long term relationships, and “weird” relationships… everything with a bit of a “twist”. 💚 Stay with me here…

Reframing February

The concept of self-love feels lame because it became performative, sanitized, and dishonest – Insta-worthy bubble baths & all that shit. It isn’t lame on its own, but the way it’s portrayed certainly is.

February doesn’t need more aesthetic self-care “advice”.

This post is intended as a humane, grounded, and lived-in reset.

Self love about staying with yourself, not futile attempts toward fixing yourself at the spa.

What “Self-Love” Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Self-love is something I choose when my mind is consumed with perceived chaos.

Self-care is something I do. It’s an act of self love (When Life Gets Chaotic, Practice Self Care).

Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment – it shows up later as steadiness, clarity, or less self-abandonment.

It lives in the thoughts you repeat about yourself – all of yourself.

Sometimes you have to say “fuck you” to your self depreciating bullshit and choose yourself anyway.

The “Self-Love Is Cringe” Problem

The cringe associated with it is a social survival reflex.

Just as much as we’re pressured by the media to indulge in often frivolous acts of self care, we’re also pressured to “hustle, grind, rewind” – push through & ignore anything that gets in the way.

Growing up, caring openly often wasn’t “safe” for me. Especially considering all of the grief my mother’s family has dealt with (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast) – I was raised (as I know most of us are) to ignore my feelings & push through tough situations. Which, at times, can be beneficial. But it catches up to us all eventually.

“Softness” wasn’t modeled for most of us – for better and worse.

Avoiding self-love isn’t laziness – it’s conditioning.

Shadow Integration: The Part We Avoid Naming

Self-love isn’t about erasing our shadows – It’s about integrating them so that they stop running the show from the background.

I try hard to let myself work with what I usually keep hidden, through my writing, my artwork & crafts, and journaling. When something is making me feel uncomfortable, I often ask myself why, and what positive & productive things can I do with this?

Self-love is choosing presence over avoidance.

Journaling as a Nervous System Practice

Journaling can be a great way to practice presence and soothe your nervous system – It’s a place to contain & converse with your demons when needed, and stay with yourself while you figure everything out.

There’s something about handwriting such that I personally I would suggest using an analog journal over digital – it forces you to slow down & examine your thoughts completely. Whatever method you choose is up to you of course, for the sake of privacy if nothing else. It doesn’t need to be seen by anyone but you.

It isn’t about writing well, it’s about maintaining presence. A sentence or two is enough if that’s all you have the time or energy for on any given day.

The 7-Day Self-Love Journaling Experiment Overview

On the topic of journaling, I’d like to invite you to try a quick little experiment!

The purpose of this experiment is to slow your nervous system, build trust with yourself, and create a place to land your chaos.

Day one will contain the whole practice, while the following days are optional expansions – so even one day counts!

If you miss a day: Nothing is ruined. Come back when you’re ready.

And remember – Self-love isn’t about consistency, it’s about returning to who the fuck you are.

Day 1: The Self-Love Letter

Write a letter to you as though you’re an outside observer who knows your personal history. No positivity performing, no shaming, no fixing.

Start by naming your current emotional state without judgment, just as a basis to understand the tone of the letter if you were to read it months from now.

Then reflect on the challenging situations you’ve dealt with in your life, being sure to acknowledge your resilience and any lessons you’ve learned or personality strengths you’ve gained through those experiences.

Express gratitude for your growth where it feels appropriate – Gratitude is acknowledgment, not unfounded praise.

Develop some affirmations if you’d like – Affirmations are for orientation, they’re not always hype. (Some fun examples – “I am a badass”, “Be yourself, fuck all”, “Live vibrantly”, or “Alchemize the fire within”.)

Skip anything that feels forced.

Days 2–7: Optional Expansions

Day 2: Naming Without Fixing

(Presence & containment)

Today is about noticing, not solving. Naming something doesn’t make it bigger — it makes it clearer.

What emotions keep resurfacing lately, even when you try to ignore them?
If you weren’t required to “do anything” about them, what would they want you to know?
What are you already doing to survive this season of life, even if it doesn’t look impressive?

Day 3: The Parts You Keep Private

(Shadow integration, gently)

This is for the things you don’t usually say out loud. You don’t need to like these parts. Just let them exist on the page.

What part of yourself do you tend to hide because it feels inconvenient, messy, or “too much”?
When did you first learn that this part wasn’t welcome?
How might this part be trying to protect you, even imperfectly?

Day 4: Slowing the Nervous System

Write slowly today. Let your body lead. This can be a list. Or a single sentence. Or a deep breath and a word.

How does your body feel right now — not metaphorically, literally?
What helps you feel even 5% more settled?
What does “good enough” look like today?

Day 5: Identity, Mood, and Self-Trust

(Who you are when you’re not performing)

Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do, like, or need that doesn’t make sense to anyone else?
What parts of your identity feel most stable right now?

Day 6: Boundaries as Care

(Self-love in action)

Think structure, not restriction – Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re containment.

Where do you feel most drained lately?
What boundary (time, space, energy, emotional) would support you right now?
What’s one small way you already protect yourself — even if it’s imperfect?

Day 7: Staying With Yourself

(Integration & closure)

Let’s close the loop without pressure. You don’t have to carry this perfectly – just honestly.

What did you learn about yourself this week?
Where did you show up for yourself, even quietly?
What would it look like to continue “staying” with yourself moving forward?

Lived Authority

As much as I love my family, I protect my morning routine ruthlessly. It’s become a very firm boundary that I maintain in my daily life. Otherwise, I find myself buried under other people in my ears, demanding my attention, all day long.

My morning routine is forced space for other things that are important to me such as reading, writing, movement, & meditation.

Self-love often looks like structured self care – Not indulgence, but an intentional nervous system reset.

Ultimately, for me, it’s a boundary for my family and for me.

Utilizing self-love and practicing self-care during genuinely challenging seasons taught me something important: I can endure chaos. And I can come out prouder, steadier, and more confident on the other side.

It’s about staying with myself.

This isn’t a prescription. It’s an invitation.

You’re the only person you’ll live with your entire life, so you’re allowed to honor yourself.

Self-love doesn’t need to be cringe.

And journaling is a real, usable resource.

If this resonated, you might try one sentence in a notebook tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Returning counts.

If you want more grounded practices like this, feel free to subscribe to my blog – no hype, no fixing, just honest tools for staying with yourself.

Stay tuned for more “offbeat” love related topics this February!

And if you share this post, make sure to pass it to someone who hates ‘self-love’ content. 😉

Rock on! 💚🤘

Where I’m At #17

Where I'm At

*BooBoo loves this AI altered photo of her hehe*

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : I’m pretty excited, actually 🫠 I’m hoping to get back into planning parties this year, starting with our annual Crockpot & Retro Video Games party this month. I think it’ll be fun. Homeschool planning & meal planning are done for the month, so…yippie. And we gotta pick a day to go bowling!
self : Doing…pretty good, lol. Winter has my whole body, especially my sinuses, pretty cranky – no humidifier is powerful enough for this shit! But I’m been maintaining my mindful diet (for the most part) & my exercise routines (which I altered to allow for daily yoga, tai chi, & meditation). I’m not really losing much weight, but I’m not gaining any either! So that’s good. And despite occasional brain fog (cuz I sleep like absolute shit), I’m getting a bit more clear headed. I think. And I’ve been making more time for creative pursuits, which is pretty fulfilling.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re always trying to find ways to adjust & keep ourselves (& each other) entertained, hehe
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Again, no injuries to report, so…yay 😅 They’re both having a lot of fun with the kid’s makeup kit I got Bubby for her birthday. Oh, we went to Rainforest Cafe for Bubby’s bday, per her request. She loves that place!

homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s really enjoying the “Playing Preschool” curriculum, & she’s learning a lot, but she does miss doing computer work heh. BooBoo loves math (she even wrote up some math facts for Bubby on her birthday card, to “help her out for next year” lol!), and she also loves learning to play the “piano” (the keyboard we got for Xmas), especially the YouTube tutorials for K Pop Demon Hunters songs 🤪
zenBLITZ : Doing pretty good here. I’m ahead enough on my blog posts, and I created a “quote board” to post favorite quotes on my Facebook page. No progress on my novella, though – I haven’t had much time (or urge) to work on it lately, but that’s fine. I’ve been doing quite a bit of leather crafting & crochet, when I have time.

*She’s more enthused than she looks, I swear 😂*

homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Whatever. LOL. So help me god, we will being taking a trip this year!!!
witch : Daily yoga & meditation has been plenty fulfilling for me lately, hehe

Currently

eating – Soup. I love me some soup. 😋

drinking – Tea, wine, Skrewball peanut butter whiskey in my coffee sometimes

watching – The Traitors, Doom Patrol, leathercraft videos on YouTube

reading – Tao Te Ching, The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, & I just finished Show Your Work by Austin Kleon. I also finished “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve, don’t know if I mentioned that – holy fuck what a slap in the face!

playing – Coin Master, Roblox

buying – Stuff I might need next month because I need a “no buy” month 😅

listening to – Saviors (album) by Green Day – Goodnight Adeline 💚

celebrating – Valentine’s Day? Candlemas! (Being halfway through this very wintery winter is definitely worth celebrating!)

pinning – self care, leatherworking, cigar box alterations, sewing tips, & traveler’s notebooks

planning – To try to have some fun next month!

feeling – Excited about journaling & leatherworking 😊

Where I’m at #16

Where I'm At

*My Bubby is such a lil bundle of sunshine* 😆

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Why is this even in my prompts anymore?!? 😅 Well, right now, I’m trying to plan for Hubby’s bday, but he won’t tell me what he wants to do, so… we’ll see where I can drag his ass out to (probably shopping & Olive Garden, we’ll see). I also have to plan Bubby’s bday, which is in a couple weeks – she’s no help either 😂
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Doing pretty good, though my diet’s been a bit of a challenge with the holidays – Life’s short, so I’ve been enjoying the hearty foods without going too overboard (nevermind the half bottle of Gerstacker spiced holiday wine I much too thoroughly enjoyed on Xmas Eve! 😜) I’ve kept up with my workouts, though I think I pulled muscle in my shoulder & my hip at some point, but they’re starting to feel better. I’ve been in a pretty good mood, despite the holiday stress. And I’ve found time to work on lots of crafts, both by myself and with the kids, so that’s been good.
marriage : We’re good. Nothing new. He’s excited that I’m excited to get into leatherworking because he’s done a bit of it in the past, mostly with upholstery though – He even got me a cheap manual leather sewing machine & spiffed it all up…now he’s just gotta show me how to use it lol! I’m hoping he gets inspired to work on some projects alongside me.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good; they had a nice Xmas. BooBoo was obsessed with singing “Feliz Navidad” for a few days there, which was a little much 😅 She was like Nancy fuckin’ Drew with these Shelf Elves all month! (We have 5 elves at this point.) Bubby’s excited over all her new dolls. No notable injuries to report this month, so that’s good 🤣
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : We’re doing good! Before winter break, I’d just started Bubby in Playing Preschool year 2 (and she was really enjoying it!) Because we homeschool year round, and because of all the holidays & birthdays this time of year, our winter break runs from halfway through December to halfway through January; so, we’ve been enjoying the break (all of us!)
zenBLITZ : I’ve been rocking my blog posts this past month! I managed to schedule quite a few, which I’m happy about. I started a Facebook page, where I’ve enjoyed sharing all kinds of things (including some fun songs on Xmas 🤣). No progress on my novella, which is fine, I just work on it when I feel like it. I managed to finish crocheting my step granddaughter’s baby blanket & my step daughter’s matching scarf in time for Xmas, though I apparently don’t know how to double crochet properly 😬 (it’s ok, the blanket didn’t turn out to be too much of a disaster lol sigh). I’m going to be working on a scarf for myself next, which I might share in a future blog post because it has a whole story associated with it. I’m also waiting on some materials to start leatherworking, which is super exciting! Most importantly – my blog hit 100 subscribers, & I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am to all of you who have liked, commented, & subscribed to my little blog over the past year – You fill my heart with such love, and I appreciate the hell out of every one of you!!! Thank you 💚
homemaker (finance, cleaning, travel, etc) : My credit card has just about melted, the house is a mess, and I don’t have the energy to leave the house let alone travel… 😅 All good, though!

Currently

eating – Santa’s cookies 😜

drinking – Spiced wine

watching – Celebrity Game Face

reading – Just finishing “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve; got a couple books in the mail, including one that ChatGPT suggested I read next

playing – Coin Master, & Roblox with the girls (we got into a “super slap” match last night, & I don’t even know what the purpose of the game was LOL)

buying – bday gifts for Bubby, leatherworking supplies, books

listening to – Rancid, at the moment

celebrating – birthdays, a new year

pinning – leatherworking tips & inspiration, seasonal backgrounds, crochet, cigar box alterations, recipes

planning – birthdays, blog posts, crafts

feeling – festive 😂

Til next time, friends – Rock the fuck on! 🤘💚

Goal Setting Without the Bullshit: A Flexible 6-Step Guide (Any Time of Year)

blitz, zen

“New year, new you!” You know that’s bullshit, on so many levels.

For one thing, pushing the reset button on the calendar year doesn’t change anything other than a number. People change over time — often quietly, unevenly, and without clean timelines – the dates don’t matter at all.

For another thing, there’s nothing wrong with you such that you need to completely “reinvent yourself” or whatever – Goals are intended for self respect, not self shaming or punishment for not being “good enough”. Everyone could benefit from improving their lives in certain ways, at certain times.

So, while I am writing this post for the new year, I’m going to share some reflections, practical steps, and a loving nudge for all of us to get our proverbial shits together whenever we need it, throughout the year.

Let’s be intentional about how we design our lives, shall we?

Step 1: Reflect Like You Mean It

(You might want to spread these reflection prompts out over a few days. Or weeks, whatever you need to do. 😉)

A. Role Review

Make a list of all of your roles in your life – whatever applies to you.

For example, mine are : myself, wife, mom, homeschool teacher, creator, & household manager.

It might seem like some of those things overlap, and they do because they’re collectively my life, but they’re also separate responsibilities.

What roles in your life carry their own responsibilities – are you a student? A volunteer? And even if your kids are adults, they still count, now just as much as ever.

Once you have your list, go through each role individually & ask yourself the following :

How do I feel about this area, as far as the associated responsibilities & the general vibe?
Why?
What, if anything, would I like to improve here?

No self judgment, just be honest.

If a role feels heavy or resentful, that’s information — not failure.

B. Define Your Ideal Life

Perfection isn’t reality.

Without that in mind, get wild with this one!

What, ideally, would make your life feel peak vibrant, authentic, & exhilarating? Spend a few minutes writing it out.

Make this personal: values-based, vision-based, aesthetic, emotional, or messy.

Dream big!

C. Optional Reflection Prompts

A few more things to ask yourself, if you’d like :

Where in my life am I proud of myself?
Where am I drained?
What’s one thing I’d change immediately if I could?

Step 2: Choose a Word of the Year

This doesn’t need to be too drawn out, and it doesn’t need to be for a whole calendar year.

Pick an anchor word to help you focus your efforts on for now – if it changes, change is good. Just pick one at a time, a truth to lean into for a while to serve as a compass & a reminder of the direction you’re going (which is forward 😉).

Examples I’ve used in the past : simplify, intent, & embody.

Write it somewhere you’ll see it regularly. Make a Canva design & hang it on your wall. Tattoo it on your arm if that’s your thing. Just don’t forget your reminder.

Step 3: The Brain Dump

Set a timer for at least five minutes and free write a list of anything on your mind. And, while you’re at it, everything.

No filtering, no performing as though it’s intended for anyone but you. Just get it all out of your head & onto paper.

Some loose categories to consider : Life + Work + Health + Wealth + Relationships. Maybe even consider some things from your “Fuck Yeah list” or childhood hobbies.

If your brain dump feels overwhelming, that’s the point — you’re emptying the clutter.

Step 4: Prioritize Intentionally

Go back through your brain dump and sort through it :

Hell Yes (non-negotiables or deeply aligned)
Maybe (park for later)
Hell No (things you’re carrying out of guilt or habit) – cross these right out

Then sort through the “Hell Yes” again, as well as your previous reflections – what things take priority for you, right now? What’s important to your wellbeing & sense of self? You really want to minimize this list as much as possible (no more than 2 or 3 things).

Step 5 : Identify the Why

For these priorities, ask yourself why those things matter to you.

Dig deep — the root motivation, the thing that will keep you going during slumps. Does it relate to your values, your identity, your direction in life?

Ask yourself – “If I lose motivation, what truth about this goal will get my ass in gear?”

Step 6: Build the Plan (Projects + Systems)

There are two main ways to execute on most goals – systems & projects.

Projects are time bound, outcome based goals with a definitive ending point. For example, planning a vacation or launching a product.

Systems are repeated behaviors, such as habits, routines, & processes. For example, I have my morning & evening routines, and our homeschool routine – all of these things include habits that better my life (& my kids), which is always the goal.

Pick no more than 1–3 major projects to work on or systems to develop to focus on this quarter.

An Optional Perspective : Experiments

If you have a bit more of a scientific mind, it may be helpful to view these new projects & systems as experiments.

Include:
- Hypothesis
- Test (action)
- Evaluate
- Implement or Pivot

“Experiments” remove failure-shame, because they’re just experiments. Try a thing, and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Keep Yourself Accountable (Gently)

Some people like to tell their loved ones or an online community about their goals to help keep them accountable – they can keep those people updated on their progress.

While I kind of do that here on my blog a little bit, I prefer the visuals of habit tracking in my planners and reflecting regularly in my journals.

Whatever you do, choose something that feels supportive, not punishing if you don’t (or can’t) follow through.

Reflection + Adjustment

Reflection is key, especially if that’s your main accountability protocol.

Even if it’s not, you should definitely ask yourself regularly what’s working with your progress, what’s not working, and how you can make things better or easier for yourself.

For myself, I check off my habit tracker daily. Weekly, I review & see how the week went. And then monthly, I review my weekly reflections & see what I need to adjust.

Your timeframes & means of reflection may be different, but it’s essential to do if you want to see continuous improvements in life.

Real-Life Examples From My Current Goals

For nearly a year now, I’ve been focusing on a few things – my physical health, my writing & creativity, homeschooling, & my marriage. All of these things are major priorities for me for their own reasons, and that hasn’t changed.

For my health goals, I have a daily health log on Notion where I keep myself accountable for the food I eat throughout the days (I can be a bit of an “emo eater” sometimes). I keep a separate analog journal to log my weights & what exercise I do on a daily basis. Weekly, I review these logs & reflect on how I did in my analog journal. (And it’s been pretty neat seeing how my weights have changed over the course of months!)

I track what writing I get done daily in another analog notebook, and reflect on that each week as well. I never feel like I’m getting anything done, but my notebook reminds me that I do get stuff done & encourages me to keep at it!

We follow curricula for most of the girls’ homeschooling, and I’m constantly asking myself if we’re moving along at a reasonable pace. I adjust accordingly, and I keep track of progress on Notion, which makes it super easy when it comes to writing up quarterly reports!

Closing

You certainly don’t need a perfect plan to start, you just need to know where you want to go and what first steps to take on the journey.

One honest step is more powerful than a polished vision board.

Treat the coming year as an experiment in becoming more you, & let’s see where it takes us!

If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.

If you’re comfortable, share your word of the season or one priority in the comments — I love seeing how people design their lives differently!

And if you’d like to watch a video I enjoyed that kind of plays in to what this article was about, check this out 👇

Rock on! 🤘💚

Where I’m at #15

Where I'm At

*Just about finished the biggest baby blanket ever made xD*

*Starting leathercrafting – Shouldn’t be too difficult, right? LOL*

“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.

planner : Gotta figure out what I’m giving everyone for Xmas, that’s for sure! 😆😵‍💫 I have some stuff ready, but I never feel like it’s “good enough” (I’m sure you know how that is…and it’s stupid).

self : Doing pretty good! I’ve kept up with my workouts, and I switched to a “mindful diet”, though I still use the schedule I mentioned a while ago. I haven’t been terribly cranky lately either, so that’s always good LOL! 😂 – I’ve been sticking to my routines & creating a lot of stuff, so I guess that’s keeping my mind occupied.

marriage : We’re doing well, thanks for asking 😂 We managed to get a couple date days in over the past month, which has been refreshing! 😁

mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good, though their tempers aren’t. Heh 😑. Bubby got mad at BooBoo & threw her tablet at her, hit her smack dab in the middle of the forehead, & she’s probably gonna have a scar from it; BooBoo threw a chair for some reason the other day. So, I gotta figure out how to teach them better ways to deal with their big emotions…

homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well! Now that we’re in full swing, I switched our routine up a bit & it’s been going pretty well. We’ve added some yoga & meditation into our routine, and while I work on one of them individually with the curriculum, hubby’s been working with the other on various things. Bubby’s really catching up with letter & number identification, so now I’m not sure if she’s dyslexic or not (I should just get her tested within the next year or so, I suppose).

zenBLITZ : I’m really having fun! I’ve got a bunch of blog posts ready, & I’ve started chapter 4 of my novella! Also, I’m working on crocheting a blanket for my step granddaughter, and I’ve started experimenting with leatherworking! Now I just gotta figure out how to monetize something. Anything. 😅
homemaker : Yup. Still just…yep. I’ve finally started on my “dark half of the year” house cleaning projects! So that’s good 😊👍
witch : Yoga has been fulfilling enough for me lately; I don’t really want or need anything more spiritually at the moment. 🕉️

Currently

eating – Thanksgiving ham (cuz turkey is boring lol)

drinking – mint & fruity teas

watching – antenna TV cuz my Internet is down for no good reason

reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve

playing – Roblox with my kids, when our Internet is working

buying – Xmas & bday gifts!

listening to – lofi chillhop on Pandora, at the moment

celebrating – Xmas & birthdays coming up!

pinning – sewing (leatherwork), Green Day, Xmas, jewelry (mala & Kandi bracelets)

planning – holidays & holiday homeschooling

feeling – pretty good! 😊