Why did I think I’d escape the good ol cliche “mid life crisis”? Oh yeah, because I was sure I already went through one like ten years ago. Yet here we are.
I keep coming across reminders that I need to “Reclaim a part of myself”. The random stale Camel from the pack I’ve had for 3 years because I quit smoking 6 years ago. A renewed passion for music and concerts (since I was the local ska princess 20+ years ago lol). And craving urbex, deep conversations, and fun parties.
Or at least an occasional break from homeschooling, making dinners, & attempting to clean the house (always a futile goal).
Is it a mid life crisis though? Or emotional burnout from all the bullshit I’ve been through the past few years (caregiving, stress, the world melting down)?
I feel the need to revisit a topic I wrote about a couple months ago, because I’ve since had a lot of thoughts floating around my head.
I wrote then about my friend who felt that he was in love with me; and as much as I absolutely loved the shit out of him, I never wanted more than a friendship.
We haven’t seen or talked to each other in over a decade.
But he’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. To the point where I’m going alone to a concert he’ll probably be at (if he even still lives around here) – not just to see if I can pull anything from the ashes, but also so I can get the fuck away from screaming children & feel like a human for a few hours LOL. (I’m literally trying to write this right now with screaming children running around because I haven’t had time to work on anything. I can practically feel the smoke coming out of my ears.)
The Past
Over the last couple months, a ton of old memories have been flooding back. And there was a lot of love there. Like, a LOT. I never even realized a lot of the things I do now because I was so young (in my 20’s), and always so scared of losing him.
I always worried so much about him cuz he was always dealing with so much stress, and I wanted to be there for him as much as I possibly could. I still do.
He had such an adorable smile, and he gave great hugs. I loved talking to him because he was so different from me, yet still so similar. He was encouraging, flattering, and really really sweet. Not to mention resilient as fuck, and I admired the hell out of that. He’s always been one of my absolute favorite people I’ve ever known.
He was also pretty brutal at times. (Though, isn’t everyone?) I loved him too much for that to scare me off…until he blatantly told me to fuck off. So…that sucked.
The Present
I’ve moved on with my life. I hardly thought about him for a long time – Just fleeting thoughts, wondering how he’s doing, wishing he were around to share bits of my life with. Overall, I was too busy living.
I don’t know what sparked him back in my mind. I really don’t.
I’ve noticed that grief works in cycles, at least for me. Part of me thinks this might just be my brain still grieving the relationship we had. Especially since I never fully understood why we don’t still have that.
Little random things keep happening too, that remind me of him. Which makes me wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. Which might be silly. But it also might not.
The Future
So, I’m going to see Reverend Horton Heat. He introduced me to them a million years ago, and they’ve since become my favorite driving tunes.
I won’t get my hopes up about him being there. But they kinda are, I’m not gonna lie. lol
I won’t get my hopes up about him being happy to see me. But I don’t really care (not gonna lie). If he’s not, I’ll still enjoy the show. And a couple beers. And no screaming children.
I just don’t want to waste any more time. I hate wasting time, cuz tomorrow is never promised and the “ALS gene time bomb” ticks louder in my ear every year.
If there’s ever anything I can do about anything, I always want to do it now.
And it’s so hard to connect with people these days, especially since COVID – I’d rather hold onto those I know I love, while I can.
Life’s too damn short to wonder what if forever.
If you’ve got someone on your mind lately — a friend, a flame, or even a ghost — maybe this is your nudge to reach out.
✨ Drop a comment if you’ve ever chased closure, connection, or just needed a night to feel alive again. I’m listening.
Lately, I just want to crawl under a pile of pillows & blankets & disappear. After pushing through an intense amount of drama for over two years…I’m exhausted! I feel like a bounce house with a hole in it – no matter how much air I put in, it just won’t fill up.
To add to the stress, my past trauma has been slapping me in the face recently too. Because, as everyone who’s dealt with any sort of trauma knows (which is everyone, eventually) – healing is cyclical. You never fully heal, you cycle through periods of it being in your face, then growing through the pain, then carrying on with your life, and back around over the course of years. The goal is just to not let it consume your life.
(This is my warning for my posts this month – I am super behind, because I’m really struggling to find my own peace right now. It is what it is.)
Truth is, I didn’t fail at self-care (& neither are you if you’re feeling a similar way). We’re all human – occasionally stressed, foggy, & worn out from life’s latest plot twist. This article definitely isn’t about toxic positivity; it’s about looking for tools that work.
Suffering is like whack a mole – “Every time you knock down one kind of pain, another one pops up. And the faster you whack them, the faster they come back.” “Everything is fucked. It always has been and always will be… it’s time we stop running from that and, instead, embrace it.” (Mark Manson, Everything is Fucked)
Name Your Nemesis
In my experience, depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin – while one may be “face up”, the other is still…there.
Sadness / Apathy = depression = fixation on the past
Fear = anxiety = fixation on the future
Different beasts require different weapons…
Choose Your Battle : Acceptance or Rebellion
Write it out : What’s bothering you? Could it be trying to tell you something useful? Can you control any aspect of it? If yes, what can you do to improve the situation? If no, how can you work to accept the situation without letting it consume you?
10 Rebel Approved Rituals to Recharge Your Soul
Midnight hikes. An endorphin boost from the peace & quiet of solitude. Plus, everything looks different at night. (Just please be safe!)
Messy art sessions. No rules, no judgment. The messier the better!
Silent 24-hour retreat. Stare down & battle your inner monologue.
Cold plunge shock. Jolt your nervous system awake.
Face down pillow burial. Embrace the collapse…& then rise from the ashes.
Journal as a witness. Be an active observer of your life
Identity cigarette moment. Reclaim a bit of yourself…mindfully. (Not a health tip, just some raw honesty. – I quit smoking 6 years ago. But I’ve had a pack of Camels for over 3 years now lol – & I only smoke maybe once or twice a year. It was such a strong part of my identity, so I enjoy indulging once in a while. And the “7th grade body buzz” is a trip too LOL iykyk)
Stoic love swap. Replace anger or fear with acts or thoughts of love.
Micro hobby project. Crochet, blogging, coding, whatever. Bonus points if you can make some money off it.
X detox. Get off your phone / distract yourself from picking fights on X (why are you even on X anymore? Nevermind, I’m not here to judge lol)
Self-Acceptance and Self Love Reminders
Core creed : Do whatever you want in life, just don’t hurt anyone (including yourself)
Happiness formula (Rita Mae Brown) : someone to love + something to do + something to look forward to
When your brain literally won’t cooperate, focus on the basics – exercise, sleep, journaling, learning, & progress. Progress isn’t linear, & simplicity always wins.
Build Your Own “Emotional First Aid Kit”
Mix & match from the suggestions above – see what works for you at different times & for different situations. Keep track of tried & true ideas in your journal for future reference.
The Ever-Unfinished Experiment
Self improvement & personal growth isn’t a chore – it’s your rebellion.
💬 What’s in your personal emotional first aid kit?
I’d love to hear what weird, wild, or wonderful tools help you climb out of the fog. Drop a comment below, share this with a friend who needs it, or subscribe if you haven’t yet — more rebel resources are on the way.
zen BLITZ 