Since February is the season of love, I thought I’d write a focused series of posts throughout the month. Don’t worry, they’re not the typical bullshit. I’m thinking self love, romanticizing your life, long term relationships, and “weird” relationships… everything with a bit of a “twist”. 💚 Stay with me here…
Reframing February
The concept of self-love feels lame because it became performative, sanitized, and dishonest – Insta-worthy bubble baths & all that shit. It isn’t lame on its own, but the way it’s portrayed certainly is.
February doesn’t need more aesthetic self-care “advice”.
This post is intended as a humane, grounded, and lived-in reset.
Self love about staying with yourself, not futile attempts toward fixing yourself at the spa.
What “Self-Love” Actually Is (and Isn’t)
Self-love is something I choose when my mind is consumed with perceived chaos.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment – it shows up later as steadiness, clarity, or less self-abandonment.
It lives in the thoughts you repeat about yourself – all of yourself.
Sometimes you have to say “fuck you” to your self depreciating bullshit and choose yourself anyway.
The “Self-Love Is Cringe” Problem
The cringe associated with it is a social survival reflex.
Just as much as we’re pressured by the media to indulge in often frivolous acts of self care, we’re also pressured to “hustle, grind, rewind” – push through & ignore anything that gets in the way.
Growing up, caring openly often wasn’t “safe” for me. Especially considering all of the grief my mother’s family has dealt with (ALS, Grief, and Growing Up Too Fast) – I was raised (as I know most of us are) to ignore my feelings & push through tough situations. Which, at times, can be beneficial. But it catches up to us all eventually.
“Softness” wasn’t modeled for most of us – for better and worse.
Self-love isn’t about erasing our shadows – It’s about integrating them so that they stop running the show from the background.
I try hard to let myself work with what I usually keep hidden, through my writing, my artwork & crafts, and journaling. When something is making me feel uncomfortable, I often ask myself why, and what positive & productive things can I do with this?
Self-love is choosing presence over avoidance.
Journaling as a Nervous System Practice
Journaling can be a great way to practice presence and soothe your nervous system – It’s a place to contain & converse with your demons when needed, and stay with yourself while you figure everything out.
There’s something about handwriting such that I personally I would suggest using an analog journal over digital – it forces you to slow down & examine your thoughts completely. Whatever method you choose is up to you of course, for the sake of privacy if nothing else. It doesn’t need to be seen by anyone but you.
It isn’t about writing well, it’s about maintaining presence. A sentence or two is enough if that’s all you have the time or energy for on any given day.
The 7-Day Self-Love Journaling Experiment Overview
On the topic of journaling, I’d like to invite you to try a quick little experiment!
The purpose of this experiment is to slow your nervous system, build trust with yourself, and create a place to land your chaos.
Day one will contain the whole practice, while the following days are optional expansions – so even one day counts!
If you miss a day: Nothing is ruined. Come back when you’re ready.
And remember – Self-love isn’t about consistency, it’s about returning to who the fuck you are.
Day 1: The Self-Love Letter
Write a letter to you as though you’re an outside observer who knows your personal history. No positivity performing, no shaming, no fixing.
Start by naming your current emotional state without judgment, just as a basis to understand the tone of the letter if you were to read it months from now.
Then reflect on the challenging situations you’ve dealt with in your life, being sure to acknowledge your resilience and any lessons you’ve learned or personality strengths you’ve gained through those experiences.
Express gratitude for your growth where it feels appropriate – Gratitude is acknowledgment, not unfounded praise.
Develop some affirmations if you’d like – Affirmations are for orientation, they’re not always hype. (Some fun examples – “I am a badass”, “Be yourself, fuck all”, “Live vibrantly”, or “Alchemize the fire within”.)
Skip anything that feels forced.
Days 2–7: Optional Expansions
Day 2: Naming Without Fixing
(Presence & containment)
Today is about noticing, not solving. Naming something doesn’t make it bigger — it makes it clearer.
What emotions keep resurfacing lately, even when you try to ignore them?
If you weren’t required to “do anything” about them, what would they want you to know?
What are you already doing to survive this season of life, even if it doesn’t look impressive?
Day 3: The Parts You Keep Private
(Shadow integration, gently)
This is for the things you don’t usually say out loud. You don’t need to like these parts. Just let them exist on the page.
What part of yourself do you tend to hide because it feels inconvenient, messy, or “too much”?
When did you first learn that this part wasn’t welcome?
How might this part be trying to protect you, even imperfectly?
Day 4: Slowing the Nervous System
Write slowly today. Let your body lead. This can be a list. Or a single sentence. Or a deep breath and a word.
How does your body feel right now — not metaphorically, literally?
What helps you feel even 5% more settled?
What does “good enough” look like today?
Day 5: Identity, Mood, and Self-Trust
(Who you are when you’re not performing)
Who are you when no one is watching?
What do you do, like, or need that doesn’t make sense to anyone else?
What parts of your identity feel most stable right now?
Day 6: Boundaries as Care
(Self-love in action)
Think structure, not restriction – Boundaries aren’t punishment; they’re containment.
Where do you feel most drained lately?
What boundary (time, space, energy, emotional) would support you right now?
What’s one small way you already protect yourself — even if it’s imperfect?
Day 7: Staying With Yourself
(Integration & closure)
Let’s close the loop without pressure. You don’t have to carry this perfectly – just honestly.
What did you learn about yourself this week?
Where did you show up for yourself, even quietly?
What would it look like to continue “staying” with yourself moving forward?
Lived Authority
As much as I love my family, I protect my morning routine ruthlessly. It’s become a very firm boundary that I maintain in my daily life. Otherwise, I find myself buried under other people in my ears, demanding my attention, all day long.
My morning routine is forced space for other things that are important to me such as reading, writing, movement, & meditation.
Self-love often looks like structured self care – Not indulgence, but an intentional nervous system reset.
Ultimately, for me, it’s a boundary for my family and for me.
Utilizing self-love and practicing self-care during genuinely challenging seasons taught me something important: I can endure chaos. And I can come out prouder, steadier, and more confident on the other side.
It’s about staying with myself.
This isn’t a prescription. It’s an invitation.
You’re the only person you’ll live with your entire life, so you’re allowed to honor yourself.
Self-love doesn’t need to be cringe.
And journaling is a real, usable resource.
If this resonated, you might try one sentence in a notebook tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Returning counts.
If you want more grounded practices like this, feel free to subscribe to my blog – no hype, no fixing, just honest tools for staying with yourself.
Stay tuned for more “offbeat” love related topics this February!
And if you share this post, make sure to pass it to someone who hates ‘self-love’ content. 😉
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : I’m pretty excited, actually 🫠 I’m hoping to get back into planning parties this year, starting with our annual Crockpot & Retro Video Games party this month. I think it’ll be fun. Homeschool planning & meal planning are done for the month, so…yippie. And we gotta pick a day to go bowling!
self : Doing…pretty good, lol. Winter has my whole body, especially my sinuses, pretty cranky – no humidifier is powerful enough for this shit! But I’m been maintaining my mindful diet (for the most part) & my exercise routines (which I altered to allow for daily yoga, tai chi, & meditation). I’m not really losing much weight, but I’m not gaining any either! So that’s good. And despite occasional brain fog (cuz I sleep like absolute shit), I’m getting a bit more clear headed. I think. And I’ve been making more time for creative pursuits, which is pretty fulfilling.
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re always trying to find ways to adjust & keep ourselves (& each other) entertained, hehe
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Again, no injuries to report, so…yay 😅 They’re both having a lot of fun with the kid’s makeup kit I got Bubby for her birthday. Oh, we went to Rainforest Cafe for Bubby’s bday, per her request. She loves that place!
I can’t believe my Bubby’s 5!!! 😭
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s really enjoying the “Playing Preschool” curriculum, & she’s learning a lot, but she does miss doing computer work heh. BooBoo loves math (she even wrote up some math facts for Bubby on her birthday card, to “help her out for next year” lol!), and she also loves learning to play the “piano” (the keyboard we got for Xmas), especially the YouTube tutorials for K Pop Demon Hunters songs 🤪
zenBLITZ : Doing pretty good here. I’m ahead enough on my blog posts, and I created a “quote board” to post favorite quotes on my Facebook page. No progress on my novella, though – I haven’t had much time (or urge) to work on it lately, but that’s fine. I’ve been doing quite a bit of leather crafting & crochet, when I have time.
She’s more enthused than she looks, I swear 😂
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Yeah. Whatever. LOL. So help me god, we will being taking a trip this year!!!
witch : Daily yoga & meditation has been plenty fulfilling for me lately, hehe
Currently
eating – Soup. I love me some soup. 😋
drinking – Tea, wine, Skrewball peanut butter whiskey in my coffee sometimes
watching – The Traitors, Doom Patrol, leathercraft videos on YouTube
reading – Tao Te Ching, The History of Love by Nicole Krauss, & I just finished Show Your Work by Austin Kleon. I also finished “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve, don’t know if I mentioned that – holy fuck what a slap in the face!
playing – Coin Master, Roblox
buying – Stuff I might need next month because I need a “no buy” month 😅
listening to – Saviors (album) by Green Day – Goodnight Adeline 💚
celebrating – Valentine’s Day? Candlemas! (Being halfway through this very wintery winter is definitely worth celebrating!)
I’m certainly not one to share product recommendations. And I’m definitely not cool enough to be sponsored by any of the companies I’m about to mention.
I just wanted to share some products & services I’ve used for long enough to confidently say… this shit’s pretty sweet, and maybe you’ll think so too!
No joke… I looked in the mirror one day after my youngest was born & just about screamed when I realized how much of my hair had gone white. Not grey…white. With how wildly frizzy my hair is, I said to myself, “I look like a haggard old mom! I gotta do something about this!!”
I figured that any hair dye would make my hair look unnatural, so…might as well make it look fun!!
Teal is my favey
I did some research on Amazon for hair dyes, and decided it would be most convenient for me to get conditioner with dye in it – that way, I could just dye it every other day or whatever & work with it that way. And that’s what I’ve been doing for at least a couple years now, with Keracolor Clenditioner.
I’ve tried their teal, purple, red, & merlot dyes. Every six months, I switch between teal & purple (just to keep myself entertained).
I don’t color treat my hair at all (no bleach or anything), so everything you see dyed in the picture above is otherwise white (😭😝).
I didn’t like the merlot or red very much – they didn’t “pop” enough for me.
The teal sticks in my hair like it belongs there. Which is lovely because it’s my favorite 😊.
The purple mixes with the teal & sticks to my white hair such that, during the months I use it, my hair has a bit of an ombre effect. It almost looks intentional, and I’m not mad about it. In darker lighting, you don’t really notice it at all (it looks dark brown like the rest of my hair), but in bright & natural light, it really “pops”.
When I switch colors, I just don’t use the dye conditioner for a month. As I said, the teal sticks like it’s supposed to be there, but the purple doesn’t. For me.
I’ve even dyed my daughters’ hair with it (the length of their ponytails) – the older one has teal & she gets quite a kick out of it, the younger one has purple & it hasn’t quite shown up much yet. Both of them have straight auburn hair (they didn’t get that from me, obviously.)
So, if you’re looking to dye your hair, I definitely recommend giving this product a shot. I’ve had a lot of fun with it!
Short video ads started popping up on my Facebook & Instagram for Pair Eyewear a year or so ago, and I was intrigued by the idea that I could just slap a sun shade on top of my regular glasses when I needed sunglasses.
Why does this intrigue me so? Let me tell you! 😆
Throughout the summer, I tend to wear my contacts so that I can easily wear sunglasses. However, allergy hell hits me at the very end of summer every year, leaving me unable to wear contacts with how much my eyes tend to itch. Constantly. Every day. For weeks.
Do I want to spend money on prescription sunglasses that I’ll only really need to use for a month out of the year? Hell no.
Enter Pair Eyewear.
So, what it is…
You buy a “base frame” pair of glasses for about $70 (you do need to share your prescription with them, obviously, but they’re very helpful with that) – they have all kinds of options to choose from as far as style, size, color, etc. They even have sizes & styles for men & children!
These “base frames” have small magnets in the corners so that you can buy “top frames” that match your base frame’s style, but cover the front. So, they have a constantly updated stock of top frame styles (Halloween’s my favorite), and they even have “sun shades” and “tinted lenses”.
Why did I get “silver sparkle” sun shades? I have no clue. I thought they were fun at the time, but…they’re a little much sometimes 😅 Luckily, I can just layer whatever top frames I want on top of them, & make them match whatever I’m wearing!
Why did I get “blue tint” lenses? Dude! They’re fucking awesome! They are super nerdy, but…! When it’s bright out, but not bright enough to warrant sun shades, the blue tint is perfect! Especially when I have a headache!
So if any of this resonates with you, or if you just like the idea of being able to easily switch up your glasses, definitely check out Pair Eyewear – it’s super fun, convenient, and, at times, practical as hell!
However, a ton of things you can find on Amazon (and at other retailers) can be found cheaper on Temu – They’re just cutting out “middle men” who are trying to make a profit on the resale of these products. I was a reseller & I’ve worked in enough retail to know how businesses operate.
So anyways…
I love Temu. I try not to go too crazy – I mostly buy things you can’t really find anywhere else.
Clothes? I’m not one for “fast fashion” – I like my clothes to last at least 5 years 😅 Literally every piece of clothing I’ve gotten from Temu has held up pretty well (except for the iron-on applique on one shirt). I’ve bought shirts, jackets (with a shitty zipper, but it’s warm as hell!), boots (super warm, & sufficient in the snow!), and I wear nothing but their sherpa lined pants all winter.
Warm & cozy Temu boots…& my ass kickin’ boots
I’m getting into leatherworking, & I’ve bought some cheap tools from Temu, including the “famous” $100 manual sewing machine. All this stuff has been awesome to experiment with, without my credit card bursting into flames.
And Xmas gifts galore! I’ve found so many unique gifts for people, I don’t even know where to begin!! One time I did get a metal sign that was bent to hell in transit & I couldn’t straighten it out for the life of me, but they’re really good about refunds (I’ve never had a single problem, especially with things that disappeared during delivery).
Overall, I have not been disappointed by anything I’ve bought off this app – it’s made trying fun new things extremely affordable, which is ideal before you start spending money on quality.
Walmart Spinach & Snack Peppers
Kinda random to mention, I know, but they’re a staple in my diet.
I rarely buy produce (or protein, for that matter) from Walmart. But they have beautifully priced, quality snacking peppers & bags of spinach at my local store! I buy some every time I’m in there.
My kids are even obsessed with the peppers, & they’re food snobs!
Wegmans Onion Hummus
Yummy in my tummy!!!
On the diet note, Wegmans’ Caramelized Onion Hummus is the best hummus on the planet.
I’ve tried a lot of hummus. I do not care for most hummus.
This hummus is the bees knees! 😅
I have to buy two small buckets of it every time I go in to Wegmans because my food snob children will eat it straight out of the container. (I prefer it with my snack peppers, or carrots or celery.)
Seriously, even if you don’t like hummus, try this shit – it’s amazing!
Don’t get excited – most of that cash stack is singles
Apps are great. Cash works better for me. My husband agrees.
It’s a lot easier to know how much money you have to work with when it’s staring you in the face as opposed to being numbers on a screen.
It’s also a lot easier to second guess your purchases while you’re pulling that cash out of your wallet, as opposed to swiping a card real quick.
Not preaching; that’s just my lived experience.
A couple years ago, I was watching videos on YouTube about cash budgeting systems, and trying to figure out how I could make that work for my family.
Then I saw a video with this cash budget wallet, got all excited & bought it, and I’ve been using it ever since – I can’t even imagine how much money it’s actually saved me over the years!
None of these products or services are about optimization – they’re about making life just a little easier & more enjoyable. It’s stuff I like enough to share because maybe you’d like it too!
Small comforts count – you don’t need the “best” or most expensive version of anything. You’re allowed to like whatever works for you.
If you like this kind of real-life sharing, I post more of it on Facebook — random finds, routines, and whatever’s actually working lately.
If you’ve found something that genuinely made your life a little better, I want to hear about it – share it with me in the comments below!
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Why is this even in my prompts anymore?!? 😅 Well, right now, I’m trying to plan for Hubby’s bday, but he won’t tell me what he wants to do, so… we’ll see where I can drag his ass out to (probably shopping & Olive Garden, we’ll see). I also have to plan Bubby’s bday, which is in a couple weeks – she’s no help either 😂
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Doing pretty good, though my diet’s been a bit of a challenge with the holidays – Life’s short, so I’ve been enjoying the hearty foods without going too overboard (nevermind the half bottle of Gerstacker spiced holiday wine I much too thoroughly enjoyed on Xmas Eve! 😜) I’ve kept up with my workouts, though I think I pulled muscle in my shoulder & my hip at some point, but they’re starting to feel better. I’ve been in a pretty good mood, despite the holiday stress. And I’ve found time to work on lots of crafts, both by myself and with the kids, so that’s been good.
marriage : We’re good. Nothing new. He’s excited that I’m excited to get into leatherworking because he’s done a bit of it in the past, mostly with upholstery though – He even got me a cheap manual leather sewing machine & spiffed it all up…now he’s just gotta show me how to use it lol! I’m hoping he gets inspired to work on some projects alongside me.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good; they had a nice Xmas. BooBoo was obsessed with singing “Feliz Navidad” for a few days there, which was a little much 😅 She was like Nancy fuckin’ Drew with these Shelf Elves all month! (We have 5 elves at this point.) Bubby’s excited over all her new dolls. No notable injuries to report this month, so that’s good 🤣
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : We’re doing good! Before winter break, I’d just started Bubby in Playing Preschool year 2 (and she was really enjoying it!) Because we homeschool year round, and because of all the holidays & birthdays this time of year, our winter break runs from halfway through December to halfway through January; so, we’ve been enjoying the break (all of us!)
zenBLITZ : I’ve been rocking my blog posts this past month! I managed to schedule quite a few, which I’m happy about. I started a Facebook page, where I’ve enjoyed sharing all kinds of things (including some fun songs on Xmas 🤣). No progress on my novella, which is fine, I just work on it when I feel like it. I managed to finish crocheting my step granddaughter’s baby blanket & my step daughter’s matching scarf in time for Xmas, though I apparently don’t know how to double crochet properly 😬 (it’s ok, the blanket didn’t turn out to be too much of a disaster lol sigh). I’m going to be working on a scarf for myself next, which I might share in a future blog post because it has a whole story associated with it. I’m also waiting on some materials to start leatherworking, which is super exciting! Most importantly – my blog hit 100 subscribers, & I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am to all of you who have liked, commented, & subscribed to my little blog over the past year – You fill my heart with such love, and I appreciate the hell out of every one of you!!! Thank you 💚
homemaker (finance, cleaning, travel, etc) : My credit card has just about melted, the house is a mess, and I don’t have the energy to leave the house let alone travel… 😅 All good, though!
Currently
eating – Santa’s cookies 😜
drinking – Spiced wine
watching – Celebrity Game Face
reading – Just finishing “The Last Time They Met” by Anita Shreve; got a couple books in the mail, including one that ChatGPT suggested I read next
playing – Coin Master, & Roblox with the girls (we got into a “super slap” match last night, & I don’t even know what the purpose of the game was LOL)
buying – bday gifts for Bubby, leatherworking supplies, books
I felt like it was as good a time as any to share chapter 2, so here goes… Happy Holidays!! 💚🎄
Imaged created with ChatGPT
Chapter 2 : 2012 : Smell of Gasoline
Days before my 26th birthday, an interesting post popped up on my Facebook feed : “We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything”
“How strikingly articulate. And contemplative,” I thought to myself. “Looks like he made it home safe!”
I gave it a “thumbs up”.
I’d almost forgot he existed. Occasionally I’d see coverage of the war on TV at the hospital, & quietly send out some loving & protective vibes to the universe for him. But that was about it.
Then I got pissed off over changes in management at the hospital & found myself back at The Apple. My zen.
As I organized the cash in my register one afternoon, I heard a, “Hey! Long time no see!”
I looked up & did a quadruple take. “Holy shit, how are you?!?”
“Umm..I had another kid!” he laughed as he held up the toddler in his arms. “Yeah, that’s a whole story…” he trailed off with a tone of regret.
I chuckled. “I’m sure it is! Well, it’s good to see you!!”
“It’s good to see you too,” he said with a breath of relief. “I’m in a rush. 20 on pump 5. Do you think I could get your number yet?”
A surprised pause and a flattered smirk, before I wrote my number down on a piece of receipt paper.
“Cool! I’ll talk to you soon, ok?!” he said as he put it in his pocket.
“Looking forward to it. Take care sweetie.”
We texted back & forth quite a bit, just getting to know each other.
I told him my favorite band was Green Day, though American Idiot was too “emo” for me (undeniably well written & orchestrated, however).
He said his favorite band was Reverend Horton Heat; he goes to see them every time they come to town. I thought I’d never heard of them until I looked them up on YouTube & came across a performance of “Big Red Rocket of Love” that I saw on Late Night With Conan O’Brien when I was a kid. How funny. I liked them enough then to remember the performance, & I found that I liked them even more now! “Maybe we’ll go to a show together sometime,” I told him. “That’d be fun!”
I told him I used to be fairly well known among the local ska scene when I was a teenager. My first love, my high school sweetheart…he seemed to be the only trombone player in the area who liked ska, so he was in probably five different bands at any given time. And he would always pull me up on stage to help him get the crowd dancing. Everybody knew us because they had no choice.
He said he was a punk kid from Detroit who liked to skateboard and flirt with all the cute girls.
I wasn’t surprised.
His toddler was an “oopsie”, but we’ll call her a surprise. He was lonely one night, went to a bar & hooked up with a chick who probably looked halfway decent in the bar lighting after a couple shots. Nine months later, she started doing everything she could to make his life a living hell. Paternity test be damned, it was his.
He said he liked chicken Caesar salads. And baseball.
I didn’t know what a chicken Caesar salad was. And I hate baseball.
I was standing outside the store one sunny afternoon, taking a cigarette break. Along came Jack, walking toward me from his car which was parked at a gas pump. He kept wiping his face off.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked, half laughing.
“Well, I ran out of gas. So I had to siphon it out of my lawn mower so I could come here. And get gas.” He then explained how siphoning worked because I didn’t know you could do such a thing. “I can’t get the taste of gasoline out of my mouth now! Can you taste it? Just…”
I laughed out loud as I took a couple steps back from him. “I’m smoking a cigarette – I probably shouldn’t get too close to any gasoline fumes.”
“Just… Just see if you can smell it. I don’t wanna walk around smelling like gas all day!”
I leaned in, and…we kissed for a split second, I’m not gonna lie. That sneaky bastard. His lips were soft, and more kissable than I ever realized. I guess I felt like we’d both been patient for long enough, and so I didn’t really think too hard before taking him up on his offer. His very strange offer.
For the record, he did not smell or taste like gas. I almost thought he was full of shit about the whole siphoning thing, but I know he wasn’t. Cuz…that’s Jack.
“Nope, you’re good.”
With the slight smile of a kid who just surprised himself by winning a prize at a carnival & was all proud, he said “Oh good… Thanks!” And then he went in to pay for his gas.
Meanwhile, guilt set in. Hard, like a sharp stab in my chest. I was still in a relationship, after all, and I wasn’t trying to mess with anyone’s heart or mind. Why did I just do that?!?
Because I wanted to. Obviously. I’m not one to let an opportunity pass me by.
“I gotta run. I’m sorry. I’ll text you later?” he said as he rushed back to his car.
“Ok…” And I went back to work.
A couple hours later, I got a text message.
“I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have encouraged that. I know you’re in a relationship. And I’m not trying to complicate things between us, or fuck anything up for you. Honestly. Forgive me?”
“Yeah, I forgive you.” But I’ll never forget.
A couple months passed. Autumn was setting in, and the air had a slight chill.
I hadn’t seen him much since the “kiss”, so I sent him a text message – “Miss you, stranger.”
Moments later, I got a reply – “Miss you too 😦 Sorry I’m a shitty friend. I haven’t had the best couple months and really have become quite the hermit. I’m surprised I still have ANYTHING. Are you at work?”
“Unfortunately. Everyone’s an asshole today LOL”
“I’m sorry. Can I stop by & hang out for a bit?”
“Of course, anytime!”
“Ok, I’ll see you in a little bit.”
Nighttime blanketed the sky by the time he made his way to the store.
“Mind if I go take a break?” I asked my coworker. He told me to take my time. So I did.
We went out beside the store where we could chat without being interrupted by regular customers excited to see me or old people looking to complain to a shirt that matches the store.
“How’s it going??” I asked. “What have you been up to?”
“Not much,” he said with a bit of sadness in his voice. “Just ruminating a lot. A lot of shit hit the fan for me. No motivation. Sad? Depressed? I don’t fucking know anymore. Just trying to survive.”
“Why, what’s going on?”
He took a deep breath. I even think he started shaking a little. Looking down at the ground, he started venting like I’d never experienced in my life (and lots of people like venting to gas station attendants for some reason).
His ex wife was trying to turn their kids on him. Doubling down in court with the new baby’s mama, for custody and for child support; she was obsessed with turning everyone on the planet against him (no surprise she buddied up with the ex wife). There was an incident at work with an inmate falsely accusing him of something, so he was arrested in front of one of his kids and now he had to go to criminal court for that too. His kids were acting out – stealing, lying, all the stuff kids do when they’re overwhelmed. And understandably so.
“Jesus christ…” I gasped. My problems seemed petty as fuck in comparison. I couldn’t imagine all this drama – it seemed like everyone was out to get him. No wonder he felt so drained. “I’m sorry you’ve got all that weight on your soul. I wish there was something I could do… I could go to court with you if you want, for moral support? We could go out to lunch after!”
“No, that’s ok.” A slight smile of relief. “It’s early in the morning. I’m sure you’re fast asleep.”
“I can wake up early if I really want to, you know!” I laughed.
What else could I do besides be there to listen to him when it gets to be too much? Nothing, unfortunately.
With hesitation, he went on.
“I had a cold a few days ago, and I took a little too much cough medicine, and…I wondered how much I would have to take to end all this. You know?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “No amount of cold medicine is likely to end anything. You’ll just trip balls if you’re lucky. Not that I know or anything.” (My trombone wielding ex was a self proclaimed addict, & he was pretty fond of “Robo Trippin’” on cold meds right before we met – I knew quite a bit about the effects of various street & OTC drugs, though mostly not from personal experience.)
“I’m sorry to drop all this on you… really. I have no one else.”
I just wanted to wrap my arms around him & let him hide for a little while. I also didn’t want to fuck with his heart, especially when he seemed to be feeling so vulnerable. “You’ll get through this. It’s the yin & yang of life, right? Ebb & flow? This is a pretty strong ebb, but it’s not quite a tsunami. Close, yeah, but not quite. It’ll settle in time. And I’m here, no matter what, for whatever that’s worth. I wish I could fix things for you though, I really really do.”
“Thanks. You’re a good friend. I’m sorry I’m really not myself right now.”
“We all have versions of ourselves. I’m here for it all, ok?” I said.
I could see the line growing in the store, which meant my break time had to come to an end.
“I really don’t wanna go back in there right now, but I kinda have to. I’m sorry. Can I give you a hug?”
“Of course. Anytime.”
We wrapped our arms around each other. Tight. I didn’t think he’d ever let go. I kind of hoped he wouldn’t. Once I settled into it, everything melted away. I couldn’t hear any customers; I didn’t care if the line went out the door & down the block to the next gas station. It was like time stopped for a few moments, fully engulfed in his…everything – body, mind, heart, & soul. I’d loved and been loved a lot in my life, but I’d never experienced anything quite like that. I felt safe, warm, genuinely loved. More than ever before.
I could feel his breathing start to slow, and his heartbeat. I could feel his tension melting away. I think he felt the same as I did.
“I don’t want to let go, but I probably should,” I muttered.
“Just one more second,” he replied. “Y’know, they say that if a hug lasts long enough, the oxytocin will leave you bonded for life.”
“Sounds like witchcraft to me,” I laughed. I would know- I’d studied witchcraft most of my life.
“It’s psychology,” he said.
“Same thing!” I’d studied both pretty extensively.
He squeezed me tight before slowly letting go, and quietly he said, “I love you, Sally. Thanks for being a good friend. Sorry I’m such a shitty one.”
“I love you too. Just, please, try to take care of yourself. You matter too much to let anything dim those sparklers in your eyes.” I gave him a hopeful grin as I stepped back toward the store.
“Go on, before you get fired. I’ll text you later.”
As I cashed out the 436 customers that magically appeared over the past few minutes, my mind was trying to process everything that had just happened – it was a lot to take in. “Holy shit, did he just tell me he’d thought about killing himself? Or was he just saying he wanted to get fucked up enough to escape the shit on his mind?”, hit me pretty hard all of sudden. Either way, I realized I wasn’t just the cute gas station attendant anymore – I was someone he trusted with a depth of emotions that most people aren’t invited to see.
But what could I do, really?!? I can be here; I can always be here as long as he’ll let me. That’s about it.
Then some shit hit the fan for me.
I stopped by to visit my father as I did every Sunday, and he was sitting in the kitchen with a walker.
I said hi, and kept looking down at the walker, thinking he’d indulge me on why he dragged it out.
Stubborn old Marine he was, he did not clue me in until I asked.
“Oh, I think I had a stroke.”
“WHAT?!? Why aren’t you in a hospital?!?”
He chuckled and said, “yeah, I probably should, huh? Let me finish this beer, & then I’ll call for an ambulance.”
“Oh what the fuck…” I called the ambulance. While he finished his beer.
Long story short, he’d had a relatively mild stroke, and tests showed a small, cancerous tumor in his left lung. The stroke left him needing physical therapy for a couple months; the only long lasting effects were numbness in some of his left fingers and enough trouble walking to need a walker. Once that was situated well enough, he was miraculously approved for surgery to remove the tumor, and it went without a hitch!
His stroke ended up being a blessing in disguise for him because it led him to better health & self care than he’d bothered with since before my mom died. Because it led to me taking over his health care, home care, and, well, everything care. Because he just wouldn’t anymore.
It was the beginning of the biggest sacrifice of my life.
Yet I still felt my problems were minor in comparison to Jack’s.
It was a bright sunny day at the store. He stopped in, and I went out for a break with him.
“I love you,” he said sweetly.
“I love you too,” I smiled.
“No, like, I really love you. I think I’m in love with you.” He looked shyly at the ground.
“Oh!” I could feel my cheeks getting red and the vein in my forehead starting to throb. “Uh, I don’t think you’re in love with me…”
“Oh yeah? Why do you say that?” He seemed a bit perturbed.
“You’ve never lived with me,” I laughed. “There’s a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them. And, in my opinion, you can’t know until you’ve lived with someone. Whether or not you’d end up resenting them and all that crap. Y’know?”
“Hm.” He seemed even more perturbed. “Well, I still think I’m in love with you, but whatever.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be mean or anything,” I said quickly. “I love you a lot, and I know you feel the same. I just don’t think you’d be able to stand me if we were actually together, y’know? I don’t know.”
“Ok.”
And that was that.
“How’s you?” I texted him a few days later.
“Hanging in there. You?”
“Just had one of my molars pulled. I don’t know why my teeth are so fucked up,” I shrugged to myself.
“Maybe you just have soft enamel,” he said. “I do. Unfortunately.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing, though I can see how that could be possible,” I replied. “No, they’re not fucked up like that. I don’t know. What have you been up to?”
“Well, I started trying to eat better. Lots of salads. And spinach. And I started running again!”
“Running from what?” I laughed. I sent him that meme that says “if you ever see me running, please kill whatever is chasing me “.
“Ha ha. (Not amused.) I started doing tai chi, too. I know you do yoga- have you ever tried tai chi?”
“No, not yet. I’ll have to look into that!” (It’s too slow for me. I’m too used to the more grandiose movements of hatha. Though it does have its appropriate situations.)
“Oh, I got a girlfriend!”
“Oh cool! Where’d you meet her?!?” I was genuinely excited for him! He needed a positive distraction from the chaos. Besides me.
“We dated a while ago. I saw her at the grocery store with her kiddo and decided to see how she was doing. One thing led to another, and we’re back together! You’ll like her, she’s really cool. Her name’s Desiree.”
“Awesome, I can’t wait to meet her!!”
Another couple weeks passed. I didn’t hear from him much. I assumed he was busy with his new girlfriend, which is totally understandable.
A girl came into the store, smiling at me. She seemed…cute. Friendly. A little odd.
She stopped after looking at me for a moment.
“Are you Sally?!” She seemed a little hesitant.
“Yup! You must be Desiree? Nice to meet you!”
“Yup! Nice to meet you too! Jack’s sick, and I thought I’d just come pick up some comfort stuff for him, y’know?”
“Aww!” I smiled. “I’m glad he has someone so sweet in his life, he really deserves it.” I was trying to be nice, but I just had a weird feeling about her. Not because of her, or him; I just worried it wouldn’t last as long as it should, for whatever reason. I tend to have pretty good intuition.
So, while I was trying to be nice because I genuinely thought she seemed like a sweet girl, I was also trying to give the vibe that I’ll kick her ass if she doesn’t treat him right.
She bought him some snacks and drinks.
“Tell him I hope he feels better!” I mentioned as she left.
Weeks passed. And then a couple months.
I didn’t hear from him, or see him for that matter, hardly at all.
We’d text briefly, occasionally. Tell each other we missed each other. He’d stop in for a couple minutes to get gas. But that’s about it.
After a very abrupt visit to the store, I finally texted him, “I miss you. I don’t feel like we’re friends anymore…cuz I never hear from you anymore.”
“Oh. Ok.”
And then I didn’t hear from him at all…
He’d once posted about “being who we really are, not what we’ve been made into”. But now, with the silence between us, I wasn’t sure we even knew who we were in the first place.
“Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent.” Seems he chose to leave me behind.
I guess he didn’t love me as much as he said he did.
If this chapter resonated with you — especially if you’ve loved someone at the wrong time — you’re not alone.
Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t keep?
You don’t have to answer out loud — but you’re welcome to.
Just about finished the biggest baby blanket ever made xD
Starting leathercrafting – Shouldn’t be too difficult, right? LOL
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Gotta figure out what I’m giving everyone for Xmas, that’s for sure! 😆😵💫 I have some stuff ready, but I never feel like it’s “good enough” (I’m sure you know how that is…and it’s stupid).
self : Doing pretty good! I’ve kept up with my workouts, and I switched to a “mindful diet”, though I still use the schedule I mentioned a while ago. I haven’t been terribly cranky lately either, so that’s always good LOL! 😂 – I’ve been sticking to my routines & creating a lot of stuff, so I guess that’s keeping my mind occupied.
marriage : We’re doing well, thanks for asking 😂 We managed to get a couple date days in over the past month, which has been refreshing! 😁
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good, though their tempers aren’t. Heh 😑. Bubby got mad at BooBoo & threw her tablet at her, hit her smack dab in the middle of the forehead, & she’s probably gonna have a scar from it; BooBoo threw a chair for some reason the other day. So, I gotta figure out how to teach them better ways to deal with their big emotions…
BooBoo’s got a booboo 😬
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well! Now that we’re in full swing, I switched our routine up a bit & it’s been going pretty well. We’ve added some yoga & meditation into our routine, and while I work on one of them individually with the curriculum, hubby’s been working with the other on various things. Bubby’s really catching up with letter & number identification, so now I’m not sure if she’s dyslexic or not (I should just get her tested within the next year or so, I suppose).
Mini Yogis 😊
zenBLITZ : I’m really having fun! I’ve got a bunch of blog posts ready, & I’ve started chapter 4 of my novella! Also, I’m working on crocheting a blanket for my step granddaughter, and I’ve started experimenting with leatherworking! Now I just gotta figure out how to monetize something. Anything. 😅
homemaker : Yup. Still just…yep. I’ve finally started on my “dark half of the year” house cleaning projects! So that’s good 😊👍
witch : Yoga has been fulfilling enough for me lately; I don’t really want or need anything more spiritually at the moment. 🕉️
Currently
eating – Thanksgiving ham (cuz turkey is boring lol)
drinking – mint & fruity teas
watching – antenna TV cuz my Internet is down for no good reason
reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve
playing – Roblox with my kids, when our Internet is working
buying – Xmas & bday gifts!
listening to – lofi chillhop on Pandora, at the moment
I recently came across a selfie from about 15 years ago — same hairstyle, same vibe as a selfie I took this summer. Around the same time, I heard the phrase “this is who I am now.” And it got me thinking – who the fuck am I now? Turns out, I’m a lot of things…..
I am punk rock.
I do things my way, but humbly, without arrogance. I try not to judge, I try to approach difficult situations with loving kindness, and I revel in finding calm amidst chaos.
I am a wife.
I married the single coolest and most loving human being I’ve ever met, and we’ve been together for 8 years now. Through thick & thin. We’ve literally jumped through hell for each other.
I am a mom.
Of 2 beautiful, unique, intelligent, loving, creative, independent as hell little girls. They love climbing rocks, foraging for snacks in the yard, and catching toads all while wearing princess dresses & sparkly pink nail polish.
I am a homeschooler.
I love being able to cuddle my kids while helping them learn. I love figuring out their unique nuances, and interests, and seeing where these things take us on a daily basis. And I love creating space for adventures in our everyday life, to show them there’s always lessons to learn wherever you’re willing to look.
I am a creator.
A writer, a crocheter, a digital designer. A “Jill of many trades”. I just wish I could find time to make money off this shit lol!
I am the household manager.
I handle meal planning, groceries, budgeting, bills, cleaning, travel plans, party plans…just about everything.
I am a “chaos witch”.
I mostly practice hearthcraft, and protection & healing magick. My practice is…very much on the back burner to everything else in my life, but I do sneak in little bits of magick here & there.
I was a reseller for a few years.
I enjoyed the whole process, and I enjoyed providing fun things to people who got excited over the often silly things I’d offered. I just didn’t have the time or space to let it grow, and that’s fine.
I was a student a couple times.
I’ve studied psychology, neurology, business, and education. I even tutored psychology one semester (and my student did awesome!), and I was a “peer advisor” a couple times! Never followed through for a degree though, and that’s fine.
I was a patient care assistant in an emergency department for a bit.
I loved the autonomy, the diversity of situations, and the sheer volume of unique patient interactions. And the patients & visitors loved me…because I’m patient, smart, & I genuinely give a fuck. I just couldn’t stand 96% of my coworkers, and that’s fine.
I’ve been a caregiver for most of my life.
For grandparents, parents, friends, and loved ones; throughout illnesses, injuries, and psychological chaos. It’s part of how I was raised, and part of just who the fuck I am.
So that’s me — messy, evolving, and unapologetically real.
Now it’s your turn: Who the fuck are you today? Drop a comment or share this post with someone finding themselves again.
If my words made you smile, nod, or roll your eyes in recognition — hit “like,” share it, or subscribe for more real talk on life, growth, and chaos.
Keep it raw, keep it real. And rock the fuck on. 🤘💚
Everyone has a story worth telling. Even if you think yours is boring, messy, or not original – it is yours, and that makes it powerful.
The world’s drowning in noise, but human honesty still cuts through like feedback at a punk show – AI can’t create real emotion or lived experience, try as it might.
Nothing Is New — But You Are
Literally everything that can be said & done, has been. Nothing’s truly “original” anymore. And that’s ok!
What is unique is your lens — your collection of scars, triumphs, and weird little details. Nobody has ever experienced all the details put together that make up your story, which is a beautiful thing.
And every time you share one of your many truths, someone else out in the world feels a little less alone.
The Healing Power of Sharing
On my second day working the floor as a patient care assistant in an ER, I came across a patient who had ALS & his wife. He was nearing the end, and my job for the moment was to hold his hand & try to keep him calm while he was intubated. It was heartbreaking, knowing a little bit about what he’d been though, & was about to go through, and the same for his wife, because of my own experiences in a caregiver’s role with the disease.
His wife was devastated; she knew what was coming in the days ahead. So, I sat beside her and talked – I introduced myself, mentioned a little bit about my family history with ALS & the caregiver role I’d found myself in, and offered a friendly soul to help her with whatever she needed while in my department (”a warm blanket? Coffee? A hug? I’m not far; I’ve got you!”)
I was asked to help escort him to the ICU when he was deemed stable enough for transport. At the entrance, I was told I could go back to the ER & his wife was told to stay at the door until he was successfully transferred. Overwhelming grief consumed her, and understandably so. So I held her while she cried, gave her a compassionate little pep talk based on what I’d gone through, and stayed until she was invited in with her husband.
Point is, telling your stories can heal you and someone else. That day I saw that stories aren’t just meant to be told — they’re meant to be handed off like torches, sharing some light in moments of darkness.
Finding Your People
The ones who don’t get it will judge — they always have, always will. But honesty attracts the right people, the ones who’ve been waiting for someone like you to speak up.
“Your people” aren’t found through perfection — they’re found through realness. And the more you share your stories, the more your people will find you.
Boundaries and Bravery
All that said, here’s a quick note on discernment — not everything needs to be public, and oversharing can sometimes hurt more than help. It’s always best practice to keep your private information away from the internet altogether as much as possible, and you should never say anything that would hurt yourself or anyone else in any way. Of course, there are exceptions to these “rules”. Thus, discernment.
But don’t let the simple fear of judgment silence you. Everything you say could go either way — and that’s okay.
Bravery isn’t about ignoring fear; it’s about telling the truth anyway. If someone doesn’t like it & decides to troll? – FUCK ‘EM! They’re not you, and oftentimes those who lash out do so out of fear or the inability to understand. And that’s fine – you do you.
The Punk Rock of Humanity & Humility
In a world that’s increasingly artificial (AI, social media perfection, etc.), your realness is your rebellion.
Every time you tell your story honestly, you’re flipping off the illusion of perfection. (And all perfection is illusion!)
Celebrate your chaos, your cringe, your truth by sharing it with the world — it’s what makes you irreplaceable.
Write it, paint it, sing it, whisper it into the void. Someone out there needs to hear it — maybe even you.
If this spoke to you, share it with someone who’s been holding their story back – The world needs more real voices!
And if you want more unapologetic inspiration like this, hit “like,” subscribe, and keep telling your truth.
I know I’ve vaguely mentioned some family chaos that’s occurred over the past few years – It settled down a bit earlier this year, & burnout from the whole situation set in for me.
I’m still burned out. And the chaos has reignited, in (not so) fun new ways.
So, what to do?!?
Focus on self care while plowing through the chaos- that’s all I can do.
Why Self Care Is Non-Negotiable
When you’re dealing with a bunch of shit in life, burnout is inevitable. You can push through all you want, but eventually you’re going to crash & burn.
It might not stop burnout, but it cushions the crash. In my experience, at least. (And I have more than my share of experience in this department, unfortunately.)
Of course, in the midst of true chaos, you probably don’t want to do anything. We all tend toward distraction in the forms of media or comfort foods, or whatever your unhelpful coping mechanism of choice may be.
That’s precisely when you need to shift your focus to self care – Make it just as much of a priority as the bullshit you’re dealing with. You need to maintain focus on your responsibilities, of course, but you also need to focus on your responsibilities to yourself.
Doing so will probably help with whatever emotional fuel is ruminating and adding to the dumpster fire of stress in your head.
When to Practice (Even When You’re Burned Out)
This depends on your situation, of course.
Mornings or evenings (or, ideally, both) seem to work for most people – Whenever you can find some peace to focus on your own wellbeing, if even just for short periods of time.
Figure out what times work best for you, and make an appointment with yourself – if not daily, as often as realistically possible. Even a weekly Do Nothing Day can go a long way!
What Self Care Can Look Like
It depends on you – what would fill your proverbial cup?
A pretty popular method recently has been the idea of a “dopamine menu”, where you list activities you can enjoy for various periods of time (5 minute “appetizers”, hour long “main dishes”, etc). Then when you find yourself with some free time, you choose something off your “menu” instead of doom scrolling or binging TV.
I don’t find myself with very much free time, to be honest.
But I do take time daily to focus on the core necessities of wellness : body, mind, heart, & soul.
Body : intentional physical movement
Mind : reading, learning, creating
Heart : socializing (if even just a quick text to someone I haven’t heard from in a while)
Soul : meditation, spending time outside
And this is where the Excitement Map also comes in handy – If you’re having trouble deciding which activities would soothe your soul in each of those categories, you may find some inspiration from yourself in the map (or “fuck yeah list”, whatever you’d like to call it. 😊)
When You Just Can’t Even
Some days, you’re not gonna meditate or stretch or write affirmations — you’re just trying to exist. And that’s fine. You’re not lazy; you’re overloaded. On those “ugh” days, just show yourself some grace and lower the bar. Drink some water. Get outside and take a few breaths of fresh air. Blast a song that reminds you you’re still alive. Do one tiny thing that says, “I’m still trying.” That’s enough.
I’d love to hear what your go-to self care habits are when life gets messy. Drop them in the comments — I’m sure we could all use some ideas!
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“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Trying not to plan too much this month lol! I do need to figure out what we’re doing for Turkey Day though – not sure if my step daughter wants to come over or if she wants us to go over there…or if she wants us to piss off for that matter LOL. I always do ham, sausage stuffing, green bean casserole, & homemade mashed potatoes with homemade gravy…that’s all I care about 😜 (well, she does the casserole, & certainly better than I ever could! hehe)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Ugh. Struggling a bit – “Chaos” has returned, & I’m certainly not recovered from the last round of it. Weight loss has slowed a bit because it’s hearty meal season and we’ve been too busy for me to stick to my exercise routine as strictly as I’ve been – I’ll figure it out though. When all else fails, prioritize self care! Oh, and we’ve all caught a cold. Shocker. 🤪
marriage : This is the “chaos”; nobody’s fault though, just a bit of a struggle. We’re working on figuring it out.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are doing well! Except Bubby threw Booboo’s tablet at her the other night & cut a little gash in her forehead (for someone who worked in an ER, I have an extremely low tolerance for blood…especially if it’s seeping from one of my precious little spawn LOL) – It bled quite a little bit, but it wasn’t anything that would require stitches. Bubby still feels really bad & has been catering to Booboo’s every whim LOL
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Booboo’s progressing on pace; she gets super frustrated sometimes, but she understands everything just fine. She’s just…me, LOL. I’ve still gotta figure out how to fit in Playing Preschool year 2 for Bubby, especially since we’re nearing the end of Easy Peasy PreK, & she’s still a little “behind”. Which is fine! She actually understands Booboo’s level of math quite a bit, which is impressive!! 😊
zenBLITZ : Hopefully I can get my head straight enough to write up some good posts soon! And work on my novella! The past month though, I crocheted a Barbie blanket for a practice project, & started a massive baby blanket for my step granddaughter hehehe ❤️
watching – Game shows. I love me some 1% Club & The Floor hehe
reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve. Have I mentioned this yet? It was on the library “discard” shelf, & it sounded kind of interesting, so I thought I’d save it from the recycling bin. I’ve enjoyed it so far (I’m only about 1/4 the way through), though it is a bit slow & dry…LOL.
playing – Nothing, really. Though I ordered the original Tomb Raider for hubby, & it should be coming today. So maybe I’ll be playing that a little bit. I’d probably rather play Fable though heh
buying – Xmas gifts. And bday gifts for hubby & Bubby. Never too early to stock up!
zen BLITZ 