How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)

zen

On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.

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Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.

Or bored.

They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.

All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.

Let’s talk about coping.

The good, bad, & ugly.

Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)

Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.

But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.

People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.

They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.

There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :

  • doomscrolling
  • binge watching mindless bullshit
  • maladaptive daydreaming
  • constant stimulation
  • porn
  • alcohol
  • gaming
  • obsessive crushes
  • fantasy lives
  • shopping
  • productivity obsession

Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :

  • “functional” escapism
  • overworking
  • endless podcasts/videos
  • compulsive self-help
  • obsessive planning
  • internet rabbit holes

None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.

Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.

Everyone has a vice.

Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.

Fantasy as Survival

There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.

Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.

It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.

It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.

Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.

The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**

The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.

I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.

Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.

I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.

It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.

I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.

Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food

I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.

In reality, you can be addicted to anything.

My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”

Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.

Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.

But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.

Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..

Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.

Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.

Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You

Some coping mechanisms protect us.

Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.

The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.

The point is awareness.

Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.

What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

16 thoughts on “How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)”

  2. Gaming and sleeping in late are my 2 vices that take up the majority of my life. The games I play are nothing special but are grindy, so I will spend hundreds of hours playing them. My current games are Infinity Nikki (I’ve gotten bored of it so I don’t play it much) and megastore simulator (making some decent progress with it). The game in my queue is Paralives which I haven’t played yet, but we have it.

    Sleeping in late is due to staying up late gaming. I often stay up until 2am or 3am, go to bed, wake up at 6:30am to get the kids ready for school, and then go back to bed around 7:30-8:30am until noon or 1pm. And the cycle repeats itself.

    You’re right that everyone has vices, whether it’s watching too much TV, drinking, spending too much time on social media, etc. The worst part about these vices is that the thing you focus on the most becomes the center of your universe so you’ll end up manifesting more of it even though that wasn’t your intention. I’m fully aware of my bad habits, yet I continue to do them because I’m putting energy into them. Not sure if I’m making sense.

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    1. Makes perfect sense! I’ve never been much of a gamer myself, per se, but I’ve indulged similar rabbit holes, & had a blast doing it! And somehow managed to learn a lot of interesting things in the process!

      Sometimes we need something to get us through the day, & sometimes we need to evaluate what’s getting us through & pivot if needed – does that make sense? 💚

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      1. Yeah, that makes sense. I think awareness alone is curative if we’re aware enough to pivot and make a change. If it’s subconscious, bad habits are often missed.

        When it’s time well spent, I see nothing wrong with going down rabbit holes and learning something new as long as it doesn’t completely consume you and take over your life.

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  3. As I have much discussed, I was an alcoholic for a good while. And it took a long time to become a huge problem, that’s what is so insidious about booze. People can be developing a problem and not even realize it when they are in the beginning stages of it. Before that, I smoked a ton of weed for the first half of my 20’s. Then I got into HR and became a work-aholic before booze started becoming a problem. On the healthier side of the equation, from teens and well into my 30’s music was a big form of escape. I guess you could say I’m a born addict & escapist. I suppose an argument could be made that activism is a little escapist for me currently.

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    1. Honestly, everyone’s an addict & escapist in their own special ways – such is our human lives. It’s inevitable.

      I’ve known plenty of people who were in deep with alcohol, & still don’t realize it’s a problem – that’s a good chunk of my family, thus why I never indulged too much with any sort of known addictive substances.

      Weed, on the other hand…! 🤣 I was a proud stoner from about age 15-34. I even had an absolutely lovely pot leaf tattooed on my hip for my 20th bday. I started smoking right after my mom passed away, and honestly, I used it to help me shift my perspectives when I was grieving hopelessly. And it helped me be a little less murderous when I worked in retail LOL. I haven’t quit completely, but I definitely slammed the brakes when I got pregnant the first time lol!

      Music & activism are the other side of the coin – music & concerts soothe the soul & encourage connection with strangers. Same with activism if you don’t let it drain the life out of ya & become cynical in the process, in my opinion (from watching high school sweetie’s involvement).

      💚

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  4. Overworking is a big one. I personally know people who do it, and when you ask them, their responses are telling. For example, one guy told me, “I need to escape from family commitments.” Crazy!

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      5. I have to tell you that what really helped me was learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and later participating in Cognitive Processing Therapy. One of the challenges for people suffering from PTSD is dealing with distorted or intrusive thoughts. Working through those specific thoughts, finding the real answer (rather than what we imagine), and reframing them in light of reality has helped me break free from that.
        The good thing is that once you learn these skills, you can use them anytime those thoughts come and reframe your thinking. It never completely goes away, but the rumination stops almost immediately, well, at least until the next episode. These types of therapies were born out of Stoicism, so I’m really digging into that philosophy to find a more permanent way out of this cycle. That’s my hope, at least. 🤞

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