personal development

The Turning Point Between Awareness and Action

The past several weeks, I’ve been naming a bunch of the harder things we sometimes have to deal with :

If You Feel Stuck in Life, Start Here…

Functional Depression & Anxiety: Why You Feel Off But Keep Going

No Such Thing as Resolved Grief

Bored, Lonely, & Looking for Something to Be Pissed Off About

How We Cope (And Sometimes Make It Worse)

All our shadows & demons.

We see each other. Whatever we’re going through at any point in time, we’re really not alone in dealing with it.

Now that the light has been cast…

Where Do We Go From Here?

Awareness is just the beginning.

My next series of posts will explore various means to enjoy the journey without all the typical fluffy self-help bullshit.

Changing the patterns a bit so that we don’t get stuck in them.

Reminding the demons who’s boss.

Life is About the Choices We Make

It’s good to acknowledge your shadows, whatever may plague you. But what to do with that knowledge?

It’s good to have some direction, however imperfect & fluid that direction may be.

We can choose to be stuck in unhelpful patterns, ideas, ways of thinking, ways of doing things.

We can also choose our own adventure.

“Life without design is erratic.” – Seneca

A very smart guy I once knew & will always adore posted this on Facebook a million years ago, & I wrote it down because it really hit me :

“We, as people, need to be who we are, not what we have been made into. We need to open our eyes and realize where we are and where we should be. Destructive behaviors lead to self destruction and not enlightenment. Life is about the choices we make…good, bad or indifferent. We have the power to change anything.”

Personally, that blurb hit me right in my indifference, but it speaks to a lot of things we all deal with.

“Life is about the choices we make”, and the perspectives we choose to take.

Stop Feeding the Demons

A pot of tea when they come to visit isn’t indulgent…it’s essential.

But at some point, you have to walk away from the table & get on with life.

There are no easy answers. Really, there are no concrete answers.

But ideas to contemplate.

All of the pathways in the brain are like trails in the woods.

If you follow the same trail constantly, the path stays clear & easy to follow, right?

But if the trail gets neglected, it becomes overgrown. It’s still there, but harder to find.

That’s how our minds work, in regards to a lot of things – memories, lessons, ideas, emotions, and so on. Helpful or painful.

Sometimes we find ourselves on a long neglected trail,

and we have to decide whether or not it’s worth it to clear the path,

and if so…whether or not it’s worth it to continue clearing that path.

That “very smart guy I once knew & will always adore”? Every pathway he ever made got overgrown for years – I was quite busy following other trails.

And while I still am quite busy, I’ve found myself on his trail quite a bit since it was illuminated a couple years ago.

Is it foolish to meander that trail like I do? I don’t think so. I’m very consciously on it in search of lessons. And I’ve learned a lot, and grown a lot, in the clearing.

The point is that not every path is important.

Emotions arise, exist, and pass.

Stories & rumination feed emotions – Clearing a trail that may be better off overgrown.

Practicing mindfulness is a means of choosing which trails to run down, and which to turn back from.

Whose Trail Are You Even On?

Are you following your own paths, or a map you knew would be easy to follow?

You have to get honest about who you are and what you actually want out of your life – if anyone does it for you, you’re not going to enjoy the outcome. Or the journey.

You can be labeled (or label yourself) as an addict, a depressive, an angry person, or whatever – labels can explain challenges we all face without becoming excuses.

Be mindful of your limitations, but mindful of your excuses just the same.

Gold In The Cracks

The goal is to learn how to grow from it.

How to become whole amidst it.

Integrating it instead of chasing the illusion of “perfection”. Or “normal”.

Taking the broken pieces & kintsugi-ing them back together – proudly displaying the gold in the cracks.

Build Your Own Damn Meaning

The idea that “if you can find meaning in life, you’ll be happy” is vague & unhelpful.

Build your own damn meaning. Now, that’s agency at its finest.

That’s human kintsugi.

Often, meaning can be found in helping others in some way,

and in the process you can pry yourself out of your own head.

Relationships matter, even if they’re minor or fleeting.

And often, if you look hard enough,

meaning can be found in all the little experiences you share with others.

Not in the hedonic pleasure of all the escape routes I’ve mentioned (though they can be a welcome temporary relief),

but in the eudaimonic, fulfilling sense of making the world a better place, even if ever so slightly.

Anger, sadness, anxiety…all those things can be a signal for action, if you let them.

Get out of the soul sucking relationship. Call the friend you haven’t talked to in decades. Fight against the injustices in the world.

Build your own damn meaning.

Blazing New Trails

This isn’t about hustle culture or toxic positivity.

This isn’t about shaming your demons, escape routes, or pain points.

This is about growth through experimentation, curiosity, & gentle iteration.

There are practices that help us map a different path in the woods.

Our own paths.

The following posts are the practices that have helped me create a more enjoyable trail.

Some of them may seem like “fluffy” bullshit, but they work for me.

No one can tell you what path to check out, because not everything works for everyone.

But everything’s worth a shot, eh? Challenge yourself to try something new, even if it sounds silly.

Awareness is just the beginning – now we learn how to blaze trails.

If you’re up for it: pick one trail – old or new – and just notice where it leads this week. No pressure to fix anything. Just notice.

And if you want to follow along as I share my experiences with some of these ‘fluffy bullshit’ practices, hit subscribe – the next few posts are going to get weird, and I’d love the company.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

On maladaptive daydreaming, emotional avoidance, overstimulation, and modern survival.

Most people aren’t afraid of being alone.

Or bored.

They’re afraid of what shows up when things get quiet.

All kinds of shit can come to the surface – unresolved emotions, grief, shame, unmet needs, existential discomfort.

Let’s talk about coping.

The good, bad, & ugly.

Escape Routes (And Why We Need Them)

Ideally, you could design a life you don’t feel the need to escape from.

But even then…we sometimes still need to escape our own minds.

People don’t escape because they’re lazy or weak.

They escape because something inside them feels unbearable, empty, overstimulated, or unresolved.

There are so many routes, especially in our current climate :

doomscrolling
binge watching mindless bullshit
maladaptive daydreaming
constant stimulation
porn
alcohol
gaming
obsessive crushes
fantasy lives
shopping
productivity obsession

Some things are even viewed as socially acceptable on the surface :

“functional” escapism
overworking
endless podcasts/videos
compulsive self-help
obsessive planning
internet rabbit holes

None of these things are inherently bad, in moderation. Some even seem productive.

Distraction can be emotional anesthesia. And modern life offers infinite ways to stay distracted.

Everyone has a vice.

Some coping mechanisms soothe us. Others consume us.

Fantasy as Survival

There’s a difference between adaptive & maladaptive daydreaming, & there’s nothing wrong with daydreaming in general.

Adaptive daydreaming can reinforce creativity, inspire you to follow your dreams, help you develop character traits you admire, or help you escape the mundane or unpleasantness of your reality.

It can be used to replay scenarios, imagine what a relationship with someone would be like, ruminate on positive experiences, or imagine future scenarios.

It can be used to manage emotions such as loneliness, unmet needs, grief, boredom, & restlessness because it can provide a sense of control, stimulation, comfort, emotional intensity, or meaning.

Maladaptive daydreaming is when someone gets mentally stuck in that fantasy state. It can be addictive.

The first time I’d heard anyone mention “maladaptive daydreaming” randomly was in a YouTube video I watched about a year ago, by Alwyn Oak (she starts talking about it about 15 minutes into the video, if you’re interested : **Sharing my biggest secret.. & Healing the Inner Child 💚)**

The whole idea of it reminds me of what I read in “The Red Book” by Carl Jung – Toward the end of the book, it definitely seemed that he’d taken his personal experiments beyond the psychological philosophies of the archetypes & the collective unconscious to a more “maladaptive” mental state.

I could be wrong though, & I’m not judging.

Because I do this. This is my biggest “escape route”, personally.

I started doing it when I was a kid – I didn’t have any siblings, so I’d do what most kids do & entertain myself with my imagination. I had numerous scenarios, environments, & characters to play with.

It became a bit maladaptive when I was a pre-teen – My classmates were less than friendly, & my anxiety got so bad that I preferred to stay in my own little world as much as possible.

I grew out of it, for the most part. But I definitely do still drift into it for various reasons – mostly boredom or self soothing during times of chaos. Sometimes to remind myself of who the fuck I am, sometimes for the sake of developing insights into my life.

Dopamine, Numbing & Nervous System Junk Food

I’ve never had a chemical addiction outside of nicotine, so I can’t personally speak to the intense struggles involved, & I wouldn’t dare try.

In reality, you can be addicted to anything.

My high school sweetheart explained to me that he considered himself an addict by nature, saying that he’d immerse himself in anything that would distract him – that could be “alcohol, drugs, sex, attention, politics, activism…”

Anything that hits those dopamine receptors just right can become addictive.

Sometimes, the brain just wants relief. It’s like junk food for the nervous system.

But that temporary soothing can lead to loops – the high wears off & you’re left feeling lost, seeking the next hit of dopamine.

Addictions, chronic avoidance, emotional dependence on fantasy or distraction, rage addiction, internet outrage, parasocial attachment…..

Sometimes we don’t even numb with pleasure – we numb with self-improvement. Constant optimization can become another way to avoid ourselves.

Some coping mechanisms slowly become identities or prisons.

Stopping Long Enough to See What’s Chasing You

Some coping mechanisms protect us.

Some slowly disconnect us from ourselves.

The point isn’t to shame yourself for surviving however you had to survive.

The point is awareness.

Because once you notice the pattern, you get to decide whether it still belongs in your life.

What’s your biggest escape route? Tell me in the comments if you’d like. 💚

If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it. Subscribe for more real talk on grief, creativity, and building a life that doesn’t require constant escape.

Stay real. Live vibrantly. And rock the fuck on. 💚🤘🏻

Tag: personal development

Choosing a Different Path