“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeahhh. Mostly planning to not lose my shit as warmer weather approaches & life gets busy. 🤪 I gotta figure out a tea party for April, & then BooBoo’s birthday is at the beginning of May (she wants to invite her cute gymnastics coach, which I’m almost not opposed to LOL). And we’re late on bowling.
self (body & mind) : Well, the household got a second (though less intense) round of sickness, so…that sucked. Still working on getting back into my diet & exercise routines. Had my annual PCP visit, & she commended me on my 20lb weight loss since last year, so that’s cool hehe. My mind’s been a bit chaotic, but… I’m trying. I realized the other day that I’ve been confusing the word nihilism with hedonism (I knew nihilism wasn’t the right word, I just couldn’t think of the right one lol), so now I’m doing some research & formulating a possible future blog post lol – that might be fun 😆
marriage : Doing pretty good. We’re both sick of being sick. We’ve been enjoying Panera dates lately hehe 😋 Green Goddess salad & pomegranate hibiscus tea are personal faves right now!
No serious injuries…yet
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. I actually am taking BooBoo out alone for a mini date today, to get her hair trimmed & I think she wants to go to Five Below & then get a Happy Meal. We’ll see lol. These kids are obsessed with Roblox (I would be too if I were their age lol) & roller skating around the house. We’ve been having fun playing with dolls & makeup – I taught them how to put lipstick kisses on paper hehe. Oh, BooBoo’s got glasses now; she says they make her smart lol 😊
She’s adorable & she knows it
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Bubby’s starting to get better with writing & letter recognition, & she can even “sight read” some words, which is great! BooBoo hates reading for no apparent reason, but her reading comprehension is definitely improving!
zenBLITZ : I’ve gotten SO behind on my posts, UGH! I haven’t had the time or energy to create much of anything lately, to be honest. Blargh. I’ll get back ahead of things pretty soon here. I hope.
(step) gramma : Chiquita Banana’s doing great! She’s such a happy, inquisitive little booger – it’s always a pleasure to see babies evolve, especially when you’re not seeing it all day every day because it’s easier to acknowledge from some perspective. She’s got 2 teeth now, she stands beautifully with minimal assistance, and she still loves the gingerbread man toy I got for her lol. She gets elated to see her Aunties BooBoo & Bubby, and they both love playing with her & feeding her. Too cute.
Currently
eating – Blueberry yogurt, at the moment lol. It’s officially salad season, now that it’s spring – so I think mushroom salad is in the plan for the week (pan fried mushrooms with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette)
drinking – Lotsa lime water. I quit drinking coffee & wine when I was sick, so now when I do drink them, they actually do their jobs LOL (kinda)
watching – Doom Patrol. Masked Singer. Suddenly Amish. I dunno…I can’t hardly pay attention to TV (so movies are definitely not my thing) – I always find myself too tired to be able to focus on shows. OH! The Scrubs reboot has really been rocking my socks though!! 🤩
reading – When You Read This by Mary Adkins – very interesting format, kind of enjoyable story so far
playing – The Sims Freeplay, mostly. I don’t know why I get so sucked in to this game, but it’s been an obsession on & off for like 15 years lol
buying – Too much, apparently. Well…I’ve behaved fairly well. Hubby, on the other hand, insisted we get a full size bounce house – he’s always wanted one, & we can afford to get it so…fuck it lol. He’s also trying to buy back “the Roger Rabbit car” he tried to buy when we were first together, but his friend ended up buying it (it’s a Bugatti-style golf cart that was actually used in the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”) Funny.
listening to – The Interrupters, at the moment
celebrating – SPRING! I can’t wait to be able to open & doors & windows & get some fresh air in the house, OMFG
I have quite the database of ideas I’ve thought up to write about. And after sharing my ALS post last week (The Family Curse: Growing Up in the Shadow of ALS), I thought I’d continue with more “health” related topics.
Traumatic brain injuries have been on my mind for a while because of some personal, but secondhand, experiences.
TBIs affect more people than many realize. Their effects can be subtle, confusing, and sometimes misunderstood.
And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that brain injuries definitely don’t follow a rulebook…
There Is No “One Size Fits All”
Brain injuries vary widely, and the symptoms can vary just as widely depending on the location & severity of the damage. Even still, two people with similar injuries may have very different experiences.
Symptoms may seem nonexistent for a time & then appear years later. For some, symptoms can be intermittent.
I think part of the reason for this is one of the most beautiful things about our brains – neuroplasticity. See, the neurons themselves don’t re-generate; once they’re damaged, they’re damaged. However, other neurons can gradually branch out & compensate for the damaged neurons, though sometimes this adaption can cause some problems while fixing others.
The Brain Is Just an Organ (But an Important One)
No different than your liver or heart, your brain is technically nothing more than chemicals and electricity. Personality, memory, and knowledge ultimately boil down to chemistry and electrical activity inside brain tissue. When that tissue is damaged, the effects can ripple through every aspect of life.
The most famous example is that of Phineas Gage (to the point that he’s often covered in basic Psych 101 classes) – working as a construction foreman in the mid 1800’s, a tamping iron shot through his skull, which annihilated a huge chunk of his brain’s frontal lobe. His survival after such an extreme injury is remarkable, but it was due to the fact that nothing that controlled his autonomic nervous system sustained damage – the frontal lobe is largely responsible for an individual’s personality, emotion, and social behavior. Despite his survival, his personality changed. Drastically. He went from being a meticulous leader, to being…well, by most accounts, kind of an asshole. Interestingly enough however, he hated animals before the accident; after the accident, he loved animals so much he became a stagecoach driver.
What Brain Injuries Can Affect
Again, symptoms vary widely depending on the severity & location of the injury, and many symptoms aren’t always obvious.
For example – the magnitude of cognitive and memory changes can be surprising.
Common physiological symptoms
migraines
neck pain
dizziness
exhaustion
coordination issues
Common psychological / cognitive symptoms
anxiety
anger
depression
memory loss
confusion
rumination
paranoia
irritability
The Night My Husband Hit His Head
A couple months before we met, my husband had a barn party at his place – lots of people, lots of stuff going on.
Probably a dozen shots in (I wasn’t there, but I know he was a party monster), he decided to use the porta potty in the barn. When he came out, he tripped on a rug & fell back, whacking his head on the concrete & effectively knocking himself out cold for a few minutes.
His friends thought he was dead. Yet they didn’t bother calling for an ambulance for some insane reason. (After working in an ER, I know that the standard operating procedure for such an injury is an ambulance ride with a neck brace on, & an immediate CT scan to check for internal bleeding.)
He was significantly concussed for nearly a week – throwing up, massive headache, dizzy, couldn’t hardly stay awake.
Eventually (as in after we met & I yelled at him), he went to a doctor and had MRIs done on his head & neck. Come to find out he’d slipped two discs in his neck. He also retrospectively remembers being told he has “black spots” on his brain, though I just recently found the imaging discs they’d given him & I’d like to review them myself (not that I think I’m a doctor, but I do have enough medical education & experience to be able to tell if that was a false memory of his, or if there’s some truth to it).
When Symptoms Show Up Years Later
For a few years after, he was “normal” – well, he’s always been a little weird, & that’s why everyone loves him, but he was normal for him.
Then things changed. To me at the time it seemed to be out of nowhere, but now I know it was because of the stress of trying to sell his barns to someone he shouldn’t have been selling them to, combined with working too much and not getting enough sleep.
It seemed to me like he was having a nervous breakdown – extreme paranoia, anxiety, rumination and memory confusion. After a couple years, things settled down for a few months.
Then they started back up, though less extreme. The second time around I realized what was happening — he was confusing dreams with real events.
He’s always slept like shit. He’s always been an “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” kind of guy. Unfortunately, that’s making his life hell these days because it’s just exacerbating other symptoms.
These days, he’s often very irritable, struggles with wanting to try new things, and sometimes he even gets lost when he’s driving around the neighborhood (luckily he was a truck driver & knows not to panic when he doesn’t recognize where he is). He also says that he feels like he “never fully came back into his body” after the concussion, which kind of sounds like a sense of perpetual brain fog.
A lot of these symptoms tend to come & go. But they’re there.
A Scary Moment
One night a few months ago, he was irritable for no apparent reason and we ended up getting into an argument. He eventually got so upset after ruminating for hours, he seemed like he was having a stroke – slurred speech, a little droopy on one side. I insisted I call 911 because it really freaked me out – I’d never seen that happen to him before. He insisted I wait (which is always a terrible idea if someone is actually having a stroke, by the way!!!) But once he calmed down, he was fine.
I’m not trying to diagnose anything here – just sharing what I’ve observed. And that incident showed me that brain injuries can sometimes manifest as stroke-like symptoms.
We’re currently awaiting further testing at a local neurological institute (the one I always envisioned myself working at, actually).
A Similar Story
My “old friend” that I mention occasionally told me back when we were friends that he’d suffered a TBI at some point – I don’t remember much of the story, but then again, neither did he.
I can’t recall the circumstances under which he said it happened, but I know he said he had no clue what the fuck happened. He had no recollection of it actually happening.
He also said that he’d sometimes experience symptoms of a stroke. He’d had an MRI done, which showed nothing at the time, so doctors were having trouble giving him any answers as to why this was happening.
Sometimes he’d get really irritable, and withdrawn, and then sometimes be super apologetic afterward.
In retrospect, after seeing what my husband’s been dealing with, I can’t help but wonder if this old friend is on my mind lately because I feel like I can understand him even better now than I did then. I mean, I don’t know if all of his symptoms (or my husband’s) are from their concussions, which I’m sure they’re not all, but… I guess it helps some things make more sense.
How Brain Injuries Can Affect Relationships
Brain injuries don’t only affect the injured person.
They can influence:
communication
emotional regulation
conflict
memory of events
I realized a while ago that sometimes the best response to these reactions is to just breathe, let us both cool down, and approach the situation with quiet compassion.
I struggle with that sometimes, I’m not gonna lie. When certain buttons of mine get pushed, I can get very defensive.
But that really is the only way to deal with it – quiet compassion, on both our sides.
Aging and Brain Health
My husband & I were recently talking about Bruce Willis, who is currently suffering from advanced frontotemporal dementia.
Granted, dementia is very different than a TBI – it’s a progressive neurodegenerative disorder which causes significant declines in language, memory, and behavior.
My husband was upset & said he didn’t understand why Bruce Willis’ family put him under someone else’s care.
As a caregiver for most of my life, and as someone who’s worked in an ER with more than my share of dementia patients… I explained that the decision could’ve been made as a result of caregiver burnout, arrangements due to his wishes before this point, or his current condition (don’t know if he’s violent or wandering out to the streets naked in the middle of the night, etc).
Brain conditions in general can become pretty complex.
So can anything that affects your body’s hormones & neurotransmitters in general (stay tuned for a thyroid story in next week’s post!)
Staying Proactive
There are definitely some activities that can support neuroplasticity & mental regulation, for everyone.
For example:
Yoga helps ground me in the present moment. It helps me to focus on what’s going on within & around me while I pull apart all the physical tension in my body.
Tai chi I’ve found to be especially helpful when my brain is extra busy because of the constant movement involved.
Any exercise you enjoy, that keeps your attention is great for your brain!
Meditation trains your brain to let go of fleeting thoughts – it’s helped me get through many a dental procedure, as well as just stay calm in chaotic moments.
Journaling. I can’t recommend journaling enough (brace yourself for a series coming soon lol!) It can help you work through tough situations & feelings, make plans for a brighter future, remember things as they happened, and so on. Especially analog journaling – the brain loves novelty & tactile sensations!
The “Thinking Notebook”
I’ve been journaling for about 30 years now, and I’m definitely an advocate for analog over digital.
Handwriting forces you to slow down & focus on what you’re actually thinking – The tactile experience literally engages your brain differently than typing.
I often think of my journal as a “thinking notebook” – a place to let my brain vent onto paper, so that it can all be easier to manage.
Closing Thoughts
The brain is resilient in amazing ways. But it’s also fragile – and sometimes the effects of injury don’t show up until years later. The more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring to ourselves and each other.
If someone suspects they may have experienced a head injury in the past, please –
talk with healthcare professionals
seek medical imaging
stay proactive about your brain’s health
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Quick note : Hi there! I do have another post I’m trying to write to go along with the “unusual” love posts I’ve shared this past month, but I have been sick as fuck. Like…fuuuck! And so has everyone else in my home. So, I’ve fallen a bit behind. I’ll try to get that out next week, pinky swear 😉
In the meantime….
It’s a sandwich.
“Where I’m At” posts are just random updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Yeah, I don’t know. I’m so thrown off right now, its not even funny. I’ll get back on track soon though. I’d like to plan some sort of family fun next month, be it bowling or a hotel visit, but we’ll see how everyone’s health goes, I suppose.
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Bleh! I’m…less sick; but I have some surprising health concerns since I started getting sick, which I’m looking further into. And since getting sick, my diet & exercise…didn’t get put on the back burner, it got thrown right off the stove 🤪 So, I’m slowly working my way back into routines. My brain’s doing pretty good though, considering and despite almost crippling anxiety over said health surprises. Workin’ on it…lol
marriage : Things are good. We take good care of each other and the kiddos, so I’m perpetually grateful for that.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. Bubby kicked BooBoo in the face & now one of her teeth are a tiny bit loose, but I’m hoping it’ll resituate itself (omg please!!!!!) (Dentist visit coming ASAP, FML!) (Is this what it’s like having siblings? Cuz I didn’t have any. LOL UGH). Just found out both girls have astigmatism, & BooBoo’s been complaining of headaches lately – so, assuming they’re not just from her sister kicking her in the face, we’re working on getting her glasses this week. And both girls keep getting crazy tummy sickness randomly – they’ll be fine for a couple days, & then in hell for a day (I’m glad whatever this bug is affects me & hubby differently than them, geez!) Otherwise…the girls are doing great!!! 😅
Yes, there’s a bounce house in my living room occasionally.That blur is BooBoo.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Due to sickness, school has been a little inconsistent. Still plowing through as best we can. BooBoo loves geography lately, and math. And Bubby’s gymnastics coaches are ready to throw her into the next level of classes because her skills are way too far beyond the level she’s forced into right now. She’s still enjoying it though 😊 Oh, AND she made a FRIEND!!! YAY!!!
zenBLITZ : As with diet & exercise, creativity has pretty much been thrown right off the stove the past couple weeks. I haven’t felt enough clarity to write, even when I try; and I haven’t had the energy to work on much else, though I did complete a couple of cool projects earlier this month (& I love them!!!) :
Completely handmade veg tan leather A6 “Traveler’s Notebook” cover (…I always fuck up the “B”! Ugh!)
Crochet spiral coaster
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : Pfft! Everything’s fine, but… 😝 I had to cancel our annual crockpot party due to everyone feeling like death was upon them, so… Next month I’m planning to host an “Asian” themed dinner potluck – I’m thinking I’m gonna get some saki, sushi, order some unique snacks from Amazon, bust out all my cool chopsticks & nifty dinnerware from Wegmans, and bribe someone to pick up a couple meals from Taste of China (the best damn Chinese food I’ve ever had in my life!) So help me god, I don’t even care who’s sick, we’re having that party! 😆
(step) gramma : A new feature that I figured I’d add, because it’s proving to be a pretty important part of my life 🥰 – my step granddaughter!! We babysit her fairly often, & we love every second of it! She’s just over 6 months old now, & she’s very smiley & giggly & precious hehe. Both girls absolutely adore her, and BooBoo gets quite the kick out of making her giggle & feeding her her bottle.
Chiquita Banana
Currently
eating – Not much cuz FML I’m so sick of being sick…wah wah wah… 😂
drinking – Water. And tea. That’s about it. I haven’t even been drinking coffee (am I dying?!? LOL)
watching – YouTube. Lots & lots of YouTube.
reading – Still working on “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss
playing – The Sims. Bubby got me back into The Sims Freeplay on my phone. I don’t know why I get so obsessed.
buying – Oh boy. Hubby’s been on a bit of a spree this month. (I’ve been behaving, for the most part.) First, he made me buy a 6 foot bouncey ball from Vat19.com. Now he wants me to finally get him a pirate ship bounce house / water slide thing (which I’m not opposed to because he’s wanted one since before we even met, plus it’ll be fun in the summer, especially at parties.) And NOW he also wants to buy back the Roger Rabbit golf cart car his friend bought out from under him when we first got engaged. So, brace yourself for some interesting pictures this summer 🤣
listening to – Heaters. I’ve very much been enjoying as much peace & quiet as I can possibly get lately lol
celebrating – Life. That’s the best thing to celebrate. Especially despite the chaos of the world.
pinning – leatherworking, steampunk aesthetics, self care, & crochet
planning – Asian dinner party, potential adventure
I know I’ve vaguely mentioned some family chaos that’s occurred over the past few years – It settled down a bit earlier this year, & burnout from the whole situation set in for me.
I’m still burned out. And the chaos has reignited, in (not so) fun new ways.
So, what to do?!?
Focus on self care while plowing through the chaos- that’s all I can do.
Why Self Care Is Non-Negotiable
When you’re dealing with a bunch of shit in life, burnout is inevitable. You can push through all you want, but eventually you’re going to crash & burn.
It might not stop burnout, but it cushions the crash. In my experience, at least. (And I have more than my share of experience in this department, unfortunately.)
Of course, in the midst of true chaos, you probably don’t want to do anything. We all tend toward distraction in the forms of media or comfort foods, or whatever your unhelpful coping mechanism of choice may be.
That’s precisely when you need to shift your focus to self care – Make it just as much of a priority as the bullshit you’re dealing with. You need to maintain focus on your responsibilities, of course, but you also need to focus on your responsibilities to yourself.
Doing so will probably help with whatever emotional fuel is ruminating and adding to the dumpster fire of stress in your head.
When to Practice (Even When You’re Burned Out)
This depends on your situation, of course.
Mornings or evenings (or, ideally, both) seem to work for most people – Whenever you can find some peace to focus on your own wellbeing, if even just for short periods of time.
Figure out what times work best for you, and make an appointment with yourself – if not daily, as often as realistically possible. Even a weekly Do Nothing Day can go a long way!
What Self Care Can Look Like
It depends on you – what would fill your proverbial cup?
A pretty popular method recently has been the idea of a “dopamine menu”, where you list activities you can enjoy for various periods of time (5 minute “appetizers”, hour long “main dishes”, etc). Then when you find yourself with some free time, you choose something off your “menu” instead of doom scrolling or binging TV.
I don’t find myself with very much free time, to be honest.
But I do take time daily to focus on the core necessities of wellness : body, mind, heart, & soul.
Body : intentional physical movement
Mind : reading, learning, creating
Heart : socializing (if even just a quick text to someone I haven’t heard from in a while)
Soul : meditation, spending time outside
And this is where the Excitement Map also comes in handy – If you’re having trouble deciding which activities would soothe your soul in each of those categories, you may find some inspiration from yourself in the map (or “fuck yeah list”, whatever you’d like to call it. 😊)
When You Just Can’t Even
Some days, you’re not gonna meditate or stretch or write affirmations — you’re just trying to exist. And that’s fine. You’re not lazy; you’re overloaded. On those “ugh” days, just show yourself some grace and lower the bar. Drink some water. Get outside and take a few breaths of fresh air. Blast a song that reminds you you’re still alive. Do one tiny thing that says, “I’m still trying.” That’s enough.
I’d love to hear what your go-to self care habits are when life gets messy. Drop them in the comments — I’m sure we could all use some ideas!
If you liked this post, please give it a “like”, share it with friends, and subscribe if you’re new.
“Where I’m at” posts are just random updates about what’s going on, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Trying not to plan too much this month lol! I do need to figure out what we’re doing for Turkey Day though – not sure if my step daughter wants to come over or if she wants us to go over there…or if she wants us to piss off for that matter LOL. I always do ham, sausage stuffing, green bean casserole, & homemade mashed potatoes with homemade gravy…that’s all I care about 😜 (well, she does the casserole, & certainly better than I ever could! hehe)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Ugh. Struggling a bit – “Chaos” has returned, & I’m certainly not recovered from the last round of it. Weight loss has slowed a bit because it’s hearty meal season and we’ve been too busy for me to stick to my exercise routine as strictly as I’ve been – I’ll figure it out though. When all else fails, prioritize self care! Oh, and we’ve all caught a cold. Shocker. 🤪
marriage : This is the “chaos”; nobody’s fault though, just a bit of a struggle. We’re working on figuring it out.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are doing well! Except Bubby threw Booboo’s tablet at her the other night & cut a little gash in her forehead (for someone who worked in an ER, I have an extremely low tolerance for blood…especially if it’s seeping from one of my precious little spawn LOL) – It bled quite a little bit, but it wasn’t anything that would require stitches. Bubby still feels really bad & has been catering to Booboo’s every whim LOL
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : School’s going well. Booboo’s progressing on pace; she gets super frustrated sometimes, but she understands everything just fine. She’s just…me, LOL. I’ve still gotta figure out how to fit in Playing Preschool year 2 for Bubby, especially since we’re nearing the end of Easy Peasy PreK, & she’s still a little “behind”. Which is fine! She actually understands Booboo’s level of math quite a bit, which is impressive!! 😊
zenBLITZ : Hopefully I can get my head straight enough to write up some good posts soon! And work on my novella! The past month though, I crocheted a Barbie blanket for a practice project, & started a massive baby blanket for my step granddaughter hehehe ❤️
watching – Game shows. I love me some 1% Club & The Floor hehe
reading – The Last Time They Met by Anita Shreve. Have I mentioned this yet? It was on the library “discard” shelf, & it sounded kind of interesting, so I thought I’d save it from the recycling bin. I’ve enjoyed it so far (I’m only about 1/4 the way through), though it is a bit slow & dry…LOL.
playing – Nothing, really. Though I ordered the original Tomb Raider for hubby, & it should be coming today. So maybe I’ll be playing that a little bit. I’d probably rather play Fable though heh
buying – Xmas gifts. And bday gifts for hubby & Bubby. Never too early to stock up!
“Where I’m at” posts are just updates about what’s going on in my life, based on the areas / roles in my life.
planner : Halloween fun is coming up! Trunk or Treat, pumpkin farm, and so on. Hopefully. My birthday’s coming up too – I’d really like to get some tattoos (hubby’s not too pleased about it, but I don’t care lol.) (My goal as a kid was to get a tattoo every year for my birthday. I went poor before I even hit 21, so I’ve got some making up to do lol!)
self (body & mind, emotion & education) : Egh… I’ve lost almost 20 pounds so far, so I’m pretty excited about that!!! I look & feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the year, so that’s something to be proud of! Allergy season has been pretty hellish, as usual. Mentally, I’m still struggling a bit. Lots going on in my life, and in my mind in general. But I’m doing ok. I noticed that, for me, generalized depression & anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin, meaning that while one side is facing up, the other is still there – as a kid, depression was face up; in my 20’s and 30’s, it was anxiety (which I find easier to deal with most of the time); and starting this year, I’m finding it’s flipped to depression again. It’s ok though – lots of self care & I’ll manage just fine.
marriage : Things are ok. Little bit of a rough patch this month due to stress getting the best of us, but “endure, and keep yourselves for times of happiness”, and we’re gradually doing better.
mom (BooBoo & Bubby) : The girls are good. We’ll be switching BooBoo back to gymnastics, per her request; I think she’ll benefit a lot more from it than she was doing at the dojo she’d been attending for karate. Bubby’s excited that she’ll be able to practice techniques with her more, since they’ll be learning similar things.
homeschool teacher (1st grade & PK) : Well, my original IHIP for BooBoo wasn’t accepted because it apparently wasn’t detailed enough, but the revised version was all good, so…yay! She’s loving school (even though she inevitably gives me a hard time during classes heh!) Bubby’s getting more interested in learning to read, and she’s picking up on a lot of new things, so that’s awesome. She was even working on subtraction problems in a Kindergarten workbook we have, which is super awesome!!! 🥲
zenBLITZ : Still loving my blog. I’m enjoying writing about whatever’s been on my mind, and I’m enjoying working on my fiction (ish) novella when I can. Social media sucks balls though!!! 😂
homemaker (finance, cleaning, gardening, prepping, travel) : All good. Well enough, I should say. I’m already thoroughly enjoying soup season hehehe!
Currently
eating – SOUP!! 😋
drinking – Barefoot Zinfandel, warm lemon water
watching – I haven’t really been into too many shows lately. Twisted Metal & You are still favorites. I like Joel McHale as the host of the 1% Club, and I absolutely loathe Martin Short as host of Match Game (come back, Alec!! 😭)
reading – “The Last Time They Met”, by Anita Shreve (it’s a little dry so far). Finished “One Italian Summer” last month – it was good, kinda interesting premise, but a bit too drawn out for me to ever want to read it again lol
playing – Nothing, really
buying – Everything in Spirit Halloween LOL
listening to – At this particular second, “21 Guns” by Green Day
celebrating – My birthday, I guess 😅, Halloween
pinning – “Free Spirit”, “Funny Shit”, & “Food”
planning – On getting some tattoos and maybe going to the casino buffet for my birthday
I’ve really been struggling with what to write on here lately. My brain has been clouded with a bit of a shitstorm, & I’ve needed some time to see if the chaos settles.
It’s been months. I’m lucky I had a backlog of posts to ride on, but that well is just about dry. So… now what?!
Brainstorming
If you’re in a similar boat, let’s ask ourselves some questions :
Thinking : What’s been on your mind lately? What have you been thinking about a lot?
Feeling : How have you been feeling? That could be channeled into a “topic” post or a “how to deal with” article.
Knowing : What do you know in your soul during this chapter of your life? Or…what have you been learning about recently that you could share with others?
Ramble
Just roll with it. That’s what I’m doing right now, LOL! Roll with it until you hit the bottom — or better yet, a breakthrough. Set a timer if you want. Clean it up tomorrow, or next week. Just get something going.
Ask AI
Just about everyone does it these days. AI bots like ChatGPT & Claude are great at not only cleaning up fragmented thoughts, but even at prompting you to expand on your ideas. It’s not cheating if you don’t copy & paste AI-generated content.
Share
The most important part. Even if it sucks, even if you’re scared. Everyone’s got an audience & a community, and sharing helps us all find each other.
Writer’s block sucks, but you’re not alone — and you don’t have to be perfect to be heard. So hit publish, and let it out. Your people will get it.
🔥 Drop your favorite writer’s block hacks in the comments. Or just tell me what you’ve been avoiding writing. Let’s unblock together.
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Lately, I just want to crawl under a pile of pillows & blankets & disappear. After pushing through an intense amount of drama for over two years…I’m exhausted! I feel like a bounce house with a hole in it – no matter how much air I put in, it just won’t fill up.
To add to the stress, my past trauma has been slapping me in the face recently too. Because, as everyone who’s dealt with any sort of trauma knows (which is everyone, eventually) – healing is cyclical. You never fully heal, you cycle through periods of it being in your face, then growing through the pain, then carrying on with your life, and back around over the course of years. The goal is just to not let it consume your life.
(This is my warning for my posts this month – I am super behind, because I’m really struggling to find my own peace right now. It is what it is.)
Truth is, I didn’t fail at self-care (& neither are you if you’re feeling a similar way). We’re all human – occasionally stressed, foggy, & worn out from life’s latest plot twist. This article definitely isn’t about toxic positivity; it’s about looking for tools that work.
Suffering is like whack a mole – “Every time you knock down one kind of pain, another one pops up. And the faster you whack them, the faster they come back.” “Everything is fucked. It always has been and always will be… it’s time we stop running from that and, instead, embrace it.” (Mark Manson, Everything is Fucked)
Name Your Nemesis
In my experience, depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin – while one may be “face up”, the other is still…there.
Sadness / Apathy = depression = fixation on the past
Fear = anxiety = fixation on the future
Different beasts require different weapons…
Choose Your Battle : Acceptance or Rebellion
Write it out : What’s bothering you? Could it be trying to tell you something useful? Can you control any aspect of it? If yes, what can you do to improve the situation? If no, how can you work to accept the situation without letting it consume you?
10 Rebel Approved Rituals to Recharge Your Soul
Midnight hikes. An endorphin boost from the peace & quiet of solitude. Plus, everything looks different at night. (Just please be safe!)
Messy art sessions. No rules, no judgment. The messier the better!
Silent 24-hour retreat. Stare down & battle your inner monologue.
Cold plunge shock. Jolt your nervous system awake.
Face down pillow burial. Embrace the collapse…& then rise from the ashes.
Journal as a witness. Be an active observer of your life
Identity cigarette moment. Reclaim a bit of yourself…mindfully. (Not a health tip, just some raw honesty. – I quit smoking 6 years ago. But I’ve had a pack of Camels for over 3 years now lol – & I only smoke maybe once or twice a year. It was such a strong part of my identity, so I enjoy indulging once in a while. And the “7th grade body buzz” is a trip too LOL iykyk)
Stoic love swap. Replace anger or fear with acts or thoughts of love.
Micro hobby project. Crochet, blogging, coding, whatever. Bonus points if you can make some money off it.
X detox. Get off your phone / distract yourself from picking fights on X (why are you even on X anymore? Nevermind, I’m not here to judge lol)
Self-Acceptance and Self Love Reminders
Core creed : Do whatever you want in life, just don’t hurt anyone (including yourself)
Happiness formula (Rita Mae Brown) : someone to love + something to do + something to look forward to
When your brain literally won’t cooperate, focus on the basics – exercise, sleep, journaling, learning, & progress. Progress isn’t linear, & simplicity always wins.
Build Your Own “Emotional First Aid Kit”
Mix & match from the suggestions above – see what works for you at different times & for different situations. Keep track of tried & true ideas in your journal for future reference.
The Ever-Unfinished Experiment
Self improvement & personal growth isn’t a chore – it’s your rebellion.
💬 What’s in your personal emotional first aid kit?
I’d love to hear what weird, wild, or wonderful tools help you climb out of the fog. Drop a comment below, share this with a friend who needs it, or subscribe if you haven’t yet — more rebel resources are on the way.
It seems like everyone’s always chasing happiness, as though it’s the ultimate goal of life. Romanticizing happiness like that, however, can really just set us up for failure, especially when we feel like we’re just struggling to survive.
Here’s a little truth bomb for thought, from Mark Manson – “Comfort with your core misery is a form of happiness.” I suppose accepting, understanding, and approaching with compassion your underlying (angst, sadness, or whatever) is the key to freedom from its control.
Even Stoic philosopher king Marcus Aurelius was dealt a super shitty hand throughout his life, yet he showed up for it. Every. Damn. Day.
How to Deal When It All Feels Pointless
“We continue to rise because it’s the only way forward.” – Ryan Holiday
Start with the basics (especially if you’re at rock bottom) :
Eat something that didn’t come out of a crinkly wrapper. Your mind, just like your body, needs actual nutrients to feel good.
Move your ass, even if it’s just a casual stroll.
Sleep, hydrate, repeat.
2. Don’t numb out. You’ll only cause yourself more problems.
No drugs. No binges. No “maybe if I just…” decisions.
That one night stand? Definitely not the solution!
Therapy & medication are tools, not weaknesses. If your brain is sick, help it heal – no one worth a shit is judging you.
What to Do Instead of Spiraling
Journal. And get ugly about it. Be honest, even if it’s petty & especially if it’s dark. Then flip the script – What would you say to someone you love if they were feeling the way you do?
Lean on your people, even if it feels awkward or vulnerable. Any decent human will want to lift another up.
Do one tiny thing to look forward to. A creative project, a cheap vacation, plan a local hike, or learn something weird on YouTube.
Volunteer. Sometimes, giving a shit about someone else helps us give a shit about ourselves again.
Quick sad story – My mom died at home of complications from ALS four days after my 15th birthday. (Worst. Birthday. Ever.) I remember sitting on the couch in front of her while my aunt called the coroner & distant family members in the other room, and my father did shots & smoked cigarettes with my uncle outside. I asked myself, “now what do I do? How do I grieve? How do I move forward from this?” And then I realized I was left alone with the empty shell of my mom. And I screamed in agony, feeling like I didn’t matter.
This just magnified my tendency to shut down and disappear when I’m in pain. As an adult, I try hard to consciously choose not to revert to that – I try to make sure I reach out to others just to say “hi, how are ya?!?” (even though I feel like no one does that in turn).
A little reminder (for myself, & you)…
If you ever feel like no one gives a fuck – you’re not alone, or broken, or anything like that. That pain has a root. But isolation isn’t really going to make anything better. Reach out anyway – you’ll never know if some light will reach back otherwise.
Selective Apathy : A Survival Skill in a Loud World
“Let the chaos settle, & clarity will follow”
From there, we need to focus on caring deeply about things that matter to us, & not at all about things that drain us. Mindfulness is a matter of noticing where your energy goes unattended, & rerouting it with intention.
According to the Dalai Lama (& a million philosophers before him), the only constant in life is change. Suffering occurs as a natural response when we are resistant to change. When we are capable, we need to let go – accept it, so we can address it & turn it around by finding any possible meanings & lessons hidden beneath the pain.
You Don’t Have to Be Happy to Live Well
You’re not broken because you’re not blissed out. You’re still here. Still trying. And that definitely matters. You are not alone, and the world is better with you in it. Feel & live loud, even if it gets a bit ugly at times. The golden rule in life, in my opinion, is to do whatever you want so long as you don’t hurt anyone, including yourself.
If you’re in the thick of it right now — I see you. Keep doing the next right thing, even if it’s tiny. Leave a comment, message me, or just save this for later. You’re not alone in the mess.
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(Retrospective note : I may have gotten a little carried away with this post because I LOVE JOURNALING SO MUCH. You’ve been warned. 😘 Though there is a little TL;DR at the end.)
Forget the fluffy prompts about your favorite ice cream flavor – journaling isn’t just for Pinterest vibes. It’s a weapon for clarity, self discovery, and flipping the script on life’s chaos.
I’ve been journaling pretty consistently for over 30 years, and I’d love to share some unique ideas with you!
Why Journaling is the Ultimate Rebel Move
It’s yours; no rules. You do what you want with it. Write messy, angry, sarcastic – Whatever feels real in any given moment.
Supercharged memory keeping. Personally, I have to write everything down or it gets lost in the abyss of chaos in my brain. It’s fun to add pictures, drawings, ephemera, etc to help you reexperience momentous events!
Empowerment through reflection. Your journal can be a safe space to contemplate unconventional ideas, or take control of your thoughts and emotions rather than letting them control you.
Self reflection in a noisy world. Journaling helps you tune out the noise and focus on your voice. Reduce stress, discover yourself, embrace your imperfections, boost your creativity, and gain insight into who you truly are.
How to Journal Like a Rockstar
Step 1 : Forget the aesthetics. Or don’t. Make it yours!
It doesn’t need to be pretty. A beat up notebook and a pen that barely works will suffice. You don’t even need to write full sentences – bullet points, doodles, or rants are all fair game.
Or… Get creative if you want! Use bold colors, write diagonally across the page, tear shit up and paste it in with gum if you like.
Better yet, do both!
Step 2 : Don’t overthink it (unless you want to).
Set a timer for 5 minutes and spew your thoughts out, raw and unfiltered. Being brutally honest promotes personal growth.
Inspiring Creative Weapons to Consider
Analog anarchy. Different sizes and different paper thicknesses are good for different purposes.
Digital nomadic. Apps like Notion and Daybook are good options.
Prompts. The analog Daily Stoic Journal is insightful, the Five Minute Journal has both analog and digital options, and the Rosebud app uses AI to provide prompts and insights twice daily!
Creative and Unconventional Journaling Approaches
I’ve compiled more ideas than anyone could ever want…lol :
write angry letter you probably shouldn’t send
burn the rulebook : What would you do differently if society didn’t dictate your choices?
collage your emotions or aspirations when words feel limiting
essence journaling : a one sentence summary or highlight of your day, or just give each day a song or TV show title
daily log, like Austin Kleon’s logbook : just the facts (who, what, where)
gratitude (I know, not unconventional, but it promotes a positive mindset and mindful appreciation of “the little things”)
anti gratitude : acknowledge and accept your personal imperfections and flaws – how can you use them to your advantage?
stream of consciousness chaos / morning pages : 3 pages, 5 minutes, whatever constraint you want to use, just braindump everything on your mind and don’t stop writing (even if you’re just saying “I don’t know what to write” repeatedly like Bart Simpson on a chalkboard)
private vlogs and be considered journaling, and can even get you comfortable in front of a camera, which can actually be a valuable skill these days
note peoples’ names, and use them (your barista might eventually gift you a freebie!)
Bullet Journaling didn’t really start as a planning method or creative outlet, y’know?!?
argue with yourself – challenge your negative self talk
write about the same event from multiple perspectives (your own, the other person’s, and an objective observer’s) to gain insight and compassion
mind maps can go in all sorts of directions
track your habits, or moods
commonplacing (link PKM post) : write down quotes or paragraphs that get you thinking, and reflect on them
poems, dreams, sketches, sticker bombs
periodic reflections, like my “Where I’m At” posts
daily check in : “What went well? What sucked? What can I do better tomorrow?”
shadowwork prompts, like “What are my biggest fears?” or “What are my darkest secrets?”
A List of Lists to Make When You’re Bored
(Because I’m into lists right now lol)
Things I’ve Been Told I Can’t Do (But Will Anyway)
Lies Society Told Me (and the Truths I’m Replacing Them With)
Ways I Can Rebel Against My Own Expectations
Traditions I Don’t Care About (and Why That’s Okay)
Reasons I’m a Total Badass
Things I Love About Myself That Others Might Find “Weird”
Compliments I’ve Always Wanted to Hear (and Can Give Myself)
Wins I Don’t Celebrate Enough
Things That Make Me Unique (and Why That’s Awesome)
Things I’ve Been Afraid to Admit (Until Now)
Habits That Are Holding Me Back (and What to Replace Them With)
Moments When I Felt Powerful
People, Places, or Things That Drain My Energy
What I’d Do If Failure Wasn’t a Concern
Rebel Mantras I Want to Live By
Songs That Feel Like an Anthem for My Life
People I’d Love to Have a Conversation With (Dead or Alive)
Things That Inspire Me to Dream Big
Tattoos I’d Get (Even If Just for Fun)
Things I Want to Learn This Year That Have Nothing to Do with Work
Ways I Can Simplify My Life Without Losing What Matters
Goals That Feel Impossible (But Aren’t)
People or Things I Need to Let Go Of
Times I Trusted My Gut and It Paid Off
Risks I Took That Changed Everything
Mistakes I Don’t Regret
Dreams I Let Go Of and Why They Don’t Fit Me Anymore
Winter Activities That Bring Me Joy
Ways I Can “Hibernate” to Recharge This Month
Goals I Want to Bloom This Spring
Small Luxuries That Feel Like Self-Love
Times I Took a Stand: List moments where you stood up for yourself or others.
People Who Inspire Me: Write about people who have had a positive impact on your life.
Unapologetic Desires: Things you want in life without feeling the need to justify them to anyone.
Moments of Pure Joy: Instances that brought you immense happiness.
Random Acts of Kindness: Acts of kindness you’ve done or received.
Unexplored Places: Destinations you’ve always wanted to visit.
“Mini Adventures for My Soul”
Boundaries I Refuse to Compromise
Toxic Patterns I’m Consciously Dismantling
My Personal “Fuck It” Manifesto
Ways I’ve Outgrown Past Versions of Myself
Personal Definitions of Success (That Don’t Involve Money)
My Non-Negotiable Personal Values
“Things I’d Tell My Younger Self” (But wouldn’t listen to)
What I Do (For Now)
I use a combination of digital and analog.
Digital :
Notion : I have a database for journaling that includes some templates with prompts, but I mostly just use a daily template for habit and mood tracking and daily “interstitial journaling”. I use my daily logs for weekly (etc) reviews, and for long form journaling in my analog notebook when I have time.
Rosebud AI : It’s a pretty fascinating free app that provides prompts and insights, which I’ve found pretty useful at times!
Analog :
A6 pocket notebook : Kind of a commonplace book and an on the go journal for those rare times when I can take myself out to lunch. I usually just note interesting things I’ve heard or read and would like to write more about when I have time.
B6 Stalogy : I fell in love with this size in my Bullet Journal phase. Now I use it as my “zenBLITZ BuJo”, and write all of my posts by hand in it!
A5 Stalogy : My long form journal. Where I do all kinds of stuff. Nothing is off limits.
Why Journaling Matters for Us “Rebels”
It’s a tool for liberation from overthinking and self doubt
It’s a way to recharge by reflecting on where you’re at and where you want to go, without anyone else’s input
It builds self awareness by helping you find your truth so that you can fight for it
Things to Keep in Mind
Try to keep things mostly positive or light hearted. Like 80/20. It’s good to vent, and a journal can be a cathartic place for that, but it’s not good to ruminate. Draw the line somewhere.
Switch up methods as needed. It’s yours, so do you!
Review and reflect! It’s essential to browse through what you’ve written and created from time to time so you can gain some insight and perspective from your experiences. You might just be surprised.
Conclusion / TL;DR
Rockstar journaling is about breaking away from expectations (even your own) and writing your way to clarity, confidence, and self love. The key is to make it fun and personally meaningful. There’s no shortage of ideas to inspire your creativity, but just using a pen and paper to vent your mind is a beautiful creation in its own right! It’s yours – do as you please.
So grab a notebook, ditch the rules, and start journaling your way to a life that’s unapologetically yours. Your story deserves to be heard – even if it’s just by you.
If you enjoyed this post, please give it a “like”, share it with someone you think would enjoy it, and be sure to share your own unconventional journaling techniques in the comments below!
And if you’d like to watch a couple of quick videos about journaling that I’ve recently enjoyed, check these out :
zen BLITZ 